Planning Life with Serious Relationship

[0hpenelope]

I'm having trouble thinking of how to strike a balance.

 

Snuggie and I talk about ~*the future*~ a lot and after just having moved back home after getting my Bio degree, I was struck by how slowly my happiness is becoming intertwined with this special person.

 

I'm scared of this. I responded in a thread long ago that I do believe in relationships being an enhancement to a complete life and that my happiness shouldn't be dependent on the presence of another in my life. Pretty sure LucreziaBorgia was someone who reacted in that thread with me, too, and I remember I liked what she said, even though I forgot what it was.

 

I have plans post-graduation & I have to take him into consideration now: he's progressively becoming an important part of my life. I'm not the kind of girlfriend who'll just take his presence for granted, as like "Well, I know he'll always be there anyways. I'll just plan my life at full-throttle w/o even thinking of him." But at the same time, I don't want to make life plans that completely revolve around us being together. If it doesn't work out, what will I have left for me? I've been in such a relationship before and it took such a long time to recover. I will never compromise myself to such an extent ever again.

 

Am I even making sense?

[spookie]

Yah, you're making sense. I think you're very sensible for thinking this way. I, too, once compromised everything for a relationship. The way I saw it, being with him was the most important thing in the world.

 

And maybe it really was. But when we broke up, I had nothing left of myself. It took soooo long to become a whole person again, not to mention get my life back on track.

 

When you're so young, I think going after your goals is most important. If it's a healthy relationship, it will allow you to grow within its context.

 

Can you be more specific about your post-grad plans? Are you considering moving away from your boyfriend?

[zengirl]

I'm having trouble thinking of how to strike a balance.

 

Snuggie and I talk about ~*the future*~ a lot and after just having moved back home after getting my Bio degree, I was struck by how slowly my happiness is becoming intertwined with this special person.

 

I'm scared of this. I responded in a thread long ago that I do believe in relationships being an enhancement to a complete life and that my happiness shouldn't be dependent on the presence of another in my life. Pretty sure LucreziaBorgia was someone who reacted in that thread with me, too, and I remember I liked what she said, even though I forgot what it was.

 

I have plans post-graduation & I have to take him into consideration now: he's progressively becoming an important part of my life. I'm not the kind of girlfriend who'll just take his presence for granted, as like "Well, I know he'll always be there anyways. I'll just plan my life at full-throttle w/o even thinking of him." But at the same time, I don't want to make life plans that completely revolve around us being together. If it doesn't work out, what will I have left for me? I've been in such a relationship before and it took such a long time to recover. I will never compromise myself to such an extent ever again.

 

Am I even making sense?

 

Ah, to be 22 again. . .

 

Well, when I was 22, I wasn't ready to get married at that point in my mind-life, with where my experiences had led me. By that, I wasn't ready to even be in a relationship that, if good, could lead to marriage. I didn't think of such things consciously, but I definitely realized it later, after I finally thought, "You know what? I could get married" to myself (just in general). I think this thought develops in different people at different times, and some people never have to have the conscious thoughts.

 

My point with all this rambling is: If you do get married to somebody (someday), they aren't just an addition. You are dependent upon them for some of your happiness (not all of it, IMO, as that's not healthy either). So, that notion you've mentioned you had is going to change as you get more serious with someone or in general. I think both are happening now, at your age.

 

I think you have to find the balance between your dreams. Decide if this man could, in fact, be one of your dreams. What kind of life do you dream of? Some people dream of being single and successful in their twenties, some dream of starting to settle down. Everyone has their own dreams. Nobody can tell you yours but you. And it doesn't have to be one or the other---you find your own balance.

Edited July 31, 2010 by zengirl

[0hpenelope]

Yah, you're making sense. I think you're very sensible for thinking this way.

 

Thanks, spookie. I was thinking "overanalyzing" rather than sensible.

 

I, too, once compromised everything for a relationship. The way I saw it, being with him was the most important thing in the world.

 

And maybe it really was. But when we broke up, I had nothing left of myself. It took soooo long to become a whole person again, not to mention get my life back on track.

 

Such foolishness, huh? I really don't recognize that Penny when I look back. That azzhole brought out the worst in me and I let him, when relationships are supposed to bring out mostly the best. I'm so happy that I took the time to heal - and even be cynical about relationships and boys, yes - before giving Snuggie a chance.

 

When you're so young, I think going after your goals is most important. If it's a healthy relationship, it will allow you to grow within its context.

 

Can you be more specific about your post-grad plans? Are you considering moving away from your boyfriend?

 

I don't mind being specific, spookie. My response assumes that you live in the U.S. as I do, so here we go!

 

I'm already in a long-distance relationship with him; he calls Hawaii home and he's there right now for vacation. He has 1 year left in our uni as he got into the master's program there and for myself, home from uni is 3 hours south. So we have some time... but it's going to get a little complicated as I don't have a job yet, I refuse to ask my parents to bankroll all of my dates (it just feels wrong to me to ask), and I definitely do not want to keep asking of him to be the one to come out all the time. Post-grad will take him to wherever a job is available, but he hopes to stay in this state or WA or HI.

 

As for myself, I am planning to go to pharmacy school. It's no med school, but because of the challenges I faced, it definitely affected my academics and my grades will take a while to fix. On top of that, I definitely am applying to a pharmacy tech program and while I've been told that taking the test for the permit is sufficient, I just feel that going through a program is much better as it will teach me aspects of being a tech that I can't read from a practice book. Plus, programs can hook me up with externships. Unless of course, I can get an externship now w/o having to go through a program... I've been a pharmacy clerk before, but anyway... I'm digressing. All of this is for boosting my applications to pharmacy schools and to show them "Look, my undergrad grades are mediocre, but I want to be here. I want to do this." I've wanted to be a pharmacist for such a long time and at the risk of sounding dramatic, I will get into a pharmacy school even if it kills me.

 

I knew there was something more when I talked about applying to East Coast schools and he said "I never really thought about going there. I don't really have friends or I don't know anyone, but I can't be picky with starting jobs after I get out. I should consider looking into the East Coast." I just wanted to clarify that I never hinted that I wanted him to come with me. I'm not a coy girlfriend - I don't play coy, not when it comes to a person's heart at this point. That's something during high school times when 'games' were 'more fun.'

 

I've always valued your input to other LS-ers, spookie. You're one of the senior members (well, senior to the time when I first joined, anyway) whose advice I take into consideration because it's so sensible and thought-out. Thanks for responding.

[0hpenelope]

Ah, to be 22 again. . .

 

Well, when I was 22, I wasn't ready to get married at that point in my mind-life, with where my experiences had led me. By that, I wasn't ready to even be in a relationship that, if good, could lead to marriage. I didn't think of such things consciously, but I definitely realized it later, after I finally thought, "You know what? I could get married" to myself (just in general). I think this thought develops in different people at different times, and some people never have to have the conscious thoughts.

 

My point with all this rambling is: If you do get married to somebody (someday), they aren't just an addition. You are dependent upon them for some of your happiness (not all of it, IMO, as that's not healthy either). So, that notion you've mentioned you had is going to change as you get more serious with someone or in general. I think both are happening now, at your age.

 

I think you have to find the balance between your dreams. Decide if this man could, in fact, be one of your dreams. What kind of life do you dream of? Some people dream of being single and successful in their twenties, some dream of starting to settle down. Everyone has their own dreams. Nobody can tell you yours but you. And it doesn't have to be one or the other---you find your own balance.

 

zenny (mind if I gave you that moniker? ), I appreciate your post. Thanks so much. I want to give a more thought-out response, but my break time's drawing to a close. I'm taking summer school online, so I gotta get back on the grind. I like what I do, but it's both and at the same time.

 

If you have time, please read my fleshed-out response to spookie just above this post. I'd like to hear from you w/ regards to the additional information. Also, I said I got my Bio degree, but I sort of fibbed. I have 2 more electives missing before I can claim it: this is one of the 2, and the other I can get from a junior college. I am unwilling to shell out $2K just for an art class at a private uni, alright? We don't poop money like Paris Hilton's family.

Thank you again.

Edited July 31, 2010 by 0hpenelope

[zengirl]

Are you currently working in a pharmacy? Regardless of the BF, I'd get the pharmacy tech job (I don't even think you need a college degree to get the lowest tier jobs in a pharmacy; I recall some folks in college doing them at Walgreens or whatnot) somewhere local, save up some money, and maybe work for a year or so. This will give you both time together, but it will also help your career in your circumstances (assuming you can find such a job; I don't know your area, but lower tier healthcare jobs are in demand right now in a lot of places, and it's one of the less-blah job markets) since you have to prove you really have a passion for it, rather than the great grades. It'll also give you some great references (working with an actual pharmacist), an income, and a little bit of a school-break. Most of the people I know who were most successful in using their graduate schooling to best advantage didn't go right after college, but that's just me.

[Knittress]

You just wanted to ask a random collection of strangers if your feelings made any sense? Yeah. You do.

 

I've also made a lot of compromises for a relationship that didn't work out - so now I refuse to have anything to do with romance lest it throw my life out of whack once again. I admire you for being willing to even face this.

[spookie]

Thanks, spookie. I was thinking "overanalyzing" rather than sensible.

 

 

 

Such foolishness, huh? I really don't recognize that Penny when I look back. That azzhole brought out the worst in me and I let him, when relationships are supposed to bring out mostly the best. I'm so happy that I took the time to heal - and even be cynical about relationships and boys, yes - before giving Snuggie a chance.

 

 

 

I don't mind being specific, spookie. My response assumes that you live in the U.S. as I do, so here we go!

 

I'm already in a long-distance relationship with him; he calls Hawaii home and he's there right now for vacation. He has 1 year left in our uni as he got into the master's program there and for myself, home from uni is 3 hours south. So we have some time... but it's going to get a little complicated as I don't have a job yet, I refuse to ask my parents to bankroll all of my dates (it just feels wrong to me to ask), and I definitely do not want to keep asking of him to be the one to come out all the time. Post-grad will take him to wherever a job is available, but he hopes to stay in this state or WA or HI.

 

As for myself, I am planning to go to pharmacy school. It's no med school, but because of the challenges I faced, it definitely affected my academics and my grades will take a while to fix. On top of that, I definitely am applying to a pharmacy tech program and while I've been told that taking the test for the permit is sufficient, I just feel that going through a program is much better as it will teach me aspects of being a tech that I can't read from a practice book. Plus, programs can hook me up with externships. Unless of course, I can get an externship now w/o having to go through a program... I've been a pharmacy clerk before, but anyway... I'm digressing. All of this is for boosting my applications to pharmacy schools and to show them "Look, my undergrad grades are mediocre, but I want to be here. I want to do this." I've wanted to be a pharmacist for such a long time and at the risk of sounding dramatic, I will get into a pharmacy school even if it kills me.

 

I knew there was something more when I talked about applying to East Coast schools and he said "I never really thought about going there. I don't really have friends or I don't know anyone, but I can't be picky with starting jobs after I get out. I should consider looking into the East Coast." I just wanted to clarify that I never hinted that I wanted him to come with me. I'm not a coy girlfriend - I don't play coy, not when it comes to a person's heart at this point. That's something during high school times when 'games' were 'more fun.'

 

I've always valued your input to other LS-ers, spookie. You're one of the senior members (well, senior to the time when I first joined, anyway) whose advice I take into consideration because it's so sensible and thought-out. Thanks for responding.

 

Aw, thanks! I've never viewed myself as a "senior member" but I guess I have been here for a while.

 

Are you applying to pharmacy or tech schools on the east coast? More specifically, how soon do you expect your semi-distance relationship to turn long-distance?

 

I've never been in an LDR, so I understand your concerns about moving, but I've seen countless examples where a (temporary but pretty long) separation like that, with both parties doing what they have to as far as the other aspects of their lives are concerned, made the couple stronger. Even if you wind up in an LDR as you pursue your careers, I don't think it needs to mean your relationship ends.

 

That said, if you really like this guy... is it possible to compromise a little? Not on accomplishing your goals, but on the specifics of how you get there?

[0hpenelope]

You just wanted to ask a random collection of strangers if your feelings made any sense? Yeah. You do.

 

:D Yeah, well... I've found that sometimes, the people w/ the best answers are the ones that are strangers to me. I wondered if my thoughts were reasonable enough and not on the overanalytical side, so it's nice to see that I wasn't making a big deal out of nothing.

 

I've also made a lot of compromises for a relationship that didn't work out - so now I refuse to have anything to do with romance lest it throw my life out of whack once again. I admire you for being willing to even face this.

 

Knit, I just wanted to let you know that I've been there. My mother absolutely hated it when I would say "I don't want to get married mom. I don't want a romantic relationship - it messes up my idea of a simple, uncomplicated, drama-free life. It's the kind of life I want." Looks like you and I got duds there, too, and I'm happy for the both of us - though you are a stranger to me - that these poisonous people are out of our lives.

 

I don't deserve the admiration. Sometimes I even wonder why I decided to get into this, knowing that I have so much more to think about. For instance, I told him that I don't want to get married soon after pharmacy school even and he asked why. I said "I'm in the negatives, man. I don't want to ruin my potential husband's good credit history w/ mine that's rife with student loans. I gotta get that sh*t out of the way first!" I'm certain at this point that it's not a question of our feelings for each other.

 

It's the waiting. It's the in-between that will be the source of problems. I had given up on finding anyone, then moved to "If I'm single for life, I'm okay. If I find someone I could get married to, I'm okay," to "Uh... mom? I have a boyfriend." Could he wait for me? I don't want him to put his life on hold, but I can't and won't make that decision for him. It doesn't mean I'll feel less guilty for influencing or being the choice. I have a choice to walk away - I always have that choice as he does, too - but for as long as we have this something, I want to stay. He wants to stay with me, so I trust him, too.

 

I wish you well. Whatever will make you happy, short of harming yourself or others, I hope you find it (or you're already there.) Thank you.

[GordonDarkfoot]

How long have you been dating this guy?

 

Is this by any chance a "rebound" relationship that just kept on going?

 

After six months of being with someone exclusively, most people would consider that "serious." (If you've actually moved in prior to that or close to moving in, i.e. spending several nights a week together, that's "serious" too).

 

The six month point is when a light bulb should go off in both peoples' brains, "O.K. we're pretty serious. Which way are we going with this?" If the direction is even more serious, i.e. potentially marriage, then you give it another six months to see where things go.

 

At the one year point, that's when you both need to seriously sit down and "plan your future together" if you haven't already done so--that is, if there's going to be a future together. Relationships either grow and progress, or they stagnate or regress. The stagnation can last for years sometimes.

 

You seemed shocked when your bf talked about moving out to the East Coast to be with you should you decide to re-locate. You shouldn't be shocked; that's how serious people look at a serious relationship. If they want it to continue, someone is going to have to accommodate the other. Hopefully over the course of the relationship a reasonable balance occurs so there is no resentment.

 

From reading all your posts in this thread, it just sounds like you're not very much into this bf. He may be a nice enough guy but it sounds like he is just holding a place in your life as "the bf" until you move onto the "next phase." It's kind of unfair to the bf not to make it very clear to him that you're not really planning on a "future" with him, since he's too in love with you to have gotten the message yet.

 

I'm not suggesting that you break up with the guy, but from the tone of your posts, that sounds inevitable at some point. You're beginning to detach and he's not grasping that. Why not just have an adult talk with him and tell him the truth? There is no place for him in your future. Then let him decide whether he wants the relationship to continue with that knowledge under his belt.

[NeoGen85]

How long have you been dating this guy?

 

Is this by any chance a "rebound" relationship that just kept on going?

 

After six months of being with someone exclusively, most people would consider that "serious." (If you've actually moved in prior to that or close to moving in, i.e. spending several nights a week together, that's "serious" too).

 

The six month point is when a light bulb should go off in both peoples' brains, "O.K. we're pretty serious. Which way are we going with this?" If the direction is even more serious, i.e. potentially marriage, then you give it another six months to see where things go.

 

At the one year point, that's when you both need to seriously sit down and "plan your future together" if you haven't already done so--that is, if there's going to be a future together. Relationships either grow and progress, or they stagnate or regress. The stagnation can last for years sometimes.

 

You seemed shocked when your bf talked about moving out to the East Coast to be with you should you decide to re-locate. You shouldn't be shocked; that's how serious people look at a serious relationship. If they want it to continue, someone is going to have to accommodate the other. Hopefully over the course of the relationship a reasonable balance occurs so there is no resentment.

 

From reading all your posts in this thread, it just sounds like you're not very much into this bf. He may be a nice enough guy but it sounds like he is just holding a place in your life as "the bf" until you move onto the "next phase." It's kind of unfair to the bf not to make it very clear to him that you're not really planning on a "future" with him, since he's too in love with you to have gotten the message yet.

 

I'm not suggesting that you break up with the guy, but from the tone of your posts, that sounds inevitable at some point. You're beginning to detach and he's not grasping that. Why not just have an adult talk with him and tell him the truth? There is no place for him in your future. Then let him decide whether he wants the relationship to continue with that knowledge under his belt.

 

This is what I was exactly thinking. You sound more worried about finishing school, starting your career, and being financially stable. You almost sound like there's no possible way to make it work. There's always a "way". The question is are you willing to sacrifice?

 

But we can't blame you for wanting those things; you want everything straight before anything else correct? A lot of people your age are enjoying life and want to see what's out there before they get married. They want to know how independent they can be.

 

It's about what "you" want right now. The truth is you aren't married to him. But are serious about your relationship to the point where you're willing to follow a different path to get where you want to be at. The alternative path will involve him, and it might not be entirely what you set out to do.

 

I had a friend who had the opportunity to go to grad school in California after college which could have lead him to better things as a graphic designer. Now him and his girlfriend are from NC(both graduated from college in state and never really been anywhere else). He was considering California and leaving her. She wanted to go but couldn't afford it. he decided to stay in North Carolina and enter the work force with his BA. His excuse was, "I can still go see the Carolina Hurricanes play". But I knew he had been planning his future with her while still pursuing what he wanted. The next year he was married to her, and now at 24 he has a bad ass job in Charlotte, NC as a graphic designer with plans to still go get his masters.

[0hpenelope]

You know, a lot of this was hard to ponder, Gordie. But I thought about them and I can address them now.

 

How long have you been dating this guy?

 

Is this by any chance a "rebound" relationship that just kept on going?

 

We'll be on our 3rd month soon. It's a little embarrassing to open up like this, but he & I are on the same page.

 

He is definitely not a rebound. I've been single for four years after a bad break-up (which led me to LS in the first place) and he walked away from a FWB relationship 3 years ago after a bad break-up with his ex. We're really against jerking around people's hearts just for our fancy at this point.

 

After six months of being with someone exclusively, most people would consider that "serious." (If you've actually moved in prior to that or close to moving in, i.e. spending several nights a week together, that's "serious" too).

 

The six month point is when a light bulb should go off in both peoples' brains, "O.K. we're pretty serious. Which way are we going with this?" If the direction is even more serious, i.e. potentially marriage, then you give it another six months to see where things go.

 

:nod: Got it. I considered this knowing that this isn't how everyone does it. It's a general guideline.

 

At the one year point, that's when you both need to seriously sit down and "plan your future together" if you haven't already done so--that is, if there's going to be a future together. Relationships either grow and progress, or they stagnate or regress. The stagnation can last for years sometimes.

 

Is the stagnation sometimes the reason why people leave? Is this the part of a relationship that people refer to as "We're really not going anywhere"?

 

You seemed shocked when your bf talked about moving out to the East Coast to be with you should you decide to re-locate. You shouldn't be shocked; that's how serious people look at a serious relationship. If they want it to continue, someone is going to have to accommodate the other. Hopefully over the course of the relationship a reasonable balance occurs so there is no resentment.

 

I am shocked... I'm really having a hard time digesting that someone can like me as much as he does. I noticed you responded to SassyKitten's thread and I was on the same page as her. I was thinking that the person who I could end up with won't like me/love me as I do and... that's just how it's going to be. So I'd rather be single than settle for that. I don't want to have someone just for the sake of having someone.

 

He really is my first serious relationship in spite of the ones that I had prior to him. He's my first in a lot of things and yes, even in bed. He asked me about "Haven't you gone on any dates?" then I'd look back on my past relationship w/ an azzhole and say "No. They weren't dates. I'd think they are, but he'd acknowledge that they're not, even though I felt they were, etc. I mean, romantic candles in outdoor dining? Really? He held my hand and he'll still say 'No, that wasn't a date.'"

 

 

From reading all your posts in this thread, it just sounds like you're not very much into this bf. He may be a nice enough guy but it sounds like he is just holding a place in your life as "the bf" until you move onto the "next phase." It's kind of unfair to the bf not to make it very clear to him that you're not really planning on a "future" with him, since he's too in love with you to have gotten the message yet.

 

I think this was the hardest part to digest in your post, Gordie. I don't know if he's in love with me, but I'm falling really hard for him and I have to emphasize how scared I am. I really like him, but it took me so long to get over the last one. I don't want to learn how to live my life beside him if he were going to leave me anyway.

 

At this point, I understand that I'm still shackled by my memories of the bad break-up. C'mon, Penny! It's been four f***ing years! But that kind of pain... I'm shaking my head, it's indescribable. So many of us know what I'm talking about. I'd rather have a tooth pulled while awake and non-anesthetized than go through that again; if I hated anyone (I don't, not even azzhole), I wouldn't even wish that kind of pain on them. I gave up on finding anyone, especially at that sh*t uni. I just wanted to leave. And then he came along and I didn't even realize the potency of someone who says "Penny, give me a chance. We're not all like him, you know this, and I'll prove it to you," until he did.

 

I don't want to be left behind again. He's saying these things that he's not going anywhere, he's not leaving, and I'm planning all of these things and I'm falling for him hard and he says he won't leave and I just don't want him to leave. I'm so, so scared.

 

I'm not suggesting that you break up with the guy, but from the tone of your posts, that sounds inevitable at some point. You're beginning to detach and he's not grasping that. Why not just have an adult talk with him and tell him the truth? There is no place for him in your future. Then let him decide whether he wants the relationship to continue with that knowledge under his belt.

 

You're right. I want to just give into my fears and not even try. If I'm going to be left behind, I'll just do the leaving instead. It's much easier to break up and live my life how I want it. He'll get over it eventually and move on, finding someone else who's less afraid and worthier of his attentions and what he can give.

 

I don't want to break up with him. I don't want to leave him. I tell him I'm not leaving him and he believes me, so why can't I when he says he isn't going anywhere and he really cares about me? My worst enemy in this is myself. Communication is difficult with him sometimes because of all of my perceived worries and fears and my insecurities. I'd get tired of keeping up with that if I were him and I don't blame him when he gets frustrated with me. I don't think I'm worthy of his affections and yet somehow, I want to be. I want to see who he sees when he looks at me.

 

It's scary when he - someone who isn't my parents or my closest cousins - asks me to trust him. Saying "I love you" really isn't as scary as telling him "I trust you."

 

I want to get there. Somewhere in thinking about all of this, I realized that the one who's most likely to walk isn't him - it's me. That's very eye-opening and now, I'd like to take the steps to change my heart and my mind and not be afraid. He doesn't deserve this. He's done nothing to merit my fear of him. I've had much of his friends say to me "Penn, just please take care of him." I know I'm not doing a good enough job of doing that.

 

Thank you for the frank input, Gordie. I appreciate it.

Edited July 31, 2010 by 0hpenelope

[0hpenelope]

This is what I was exactly thinking. You sound more worried about finishing school, starting your career, and being financially stable. You almost sound like there's no possible way to make it work. There's always a "way". The question is are you willing to sacrifice?

 

I'm willing to sacrifice, yes. I just don't want to go through all of that and then later on, find out he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

 

Nothing can protect me from that possibility though, huh? He'll go if he wants to. At this rate, if I keep thinking the way I'm thinking, he will leave and I'd have pulled off another self-fulfilling prophecy. One more tally for the record, Penn! You were 'right', this guy wasn't a keeper! Woohooo!

 

...Except it's not something to be happy about.

 

But we can't blame you for wanting those things; you want everything straight before anything else correct?

 

YES. You hit the nail on the head, made a home-run, etc.

 

It's about what "you" want right now. The truth is you aren't married to him. But are serious about your relationship to the point where you're willing to follow a different path to get where you want to be at. The alternative path will involve him, and it might not be entirely what you set out to do.

 

I'm okay with the alternative path. I promised him my full support in his future plans after his master's and he's done the same with me. I know I won't renege on my promise, but I don't know if he won't.

 

I don't want to give in to my fears. I like him so much, and he knows I'm falling in love with him. I've told him "Snuggie, I'm falling for you but I'm scared."

 

 

I had a friend who had the opportunity to go to grad school in California after college which could have lead him to better things as a graphic designer. Now him and his girlfriend are from NC(both graduated from college in state and never really been anywhere else). He was considering California and leaving her. She wanted to go but couldn't afford it. he decided to stay in North Carolina and enter the work force with his BA. His excuse was, "I can still go see the Carolina Hurricanes play". But I knew he had been planning his future with her while still pursuing what he wanted. The next year he was married to her, and now at 24 he has a bad ass job in Charlotte, NC as a graphic designer with plans to still go get his masters.

 

I really like that, Neo. I smiled when I read that and not just because the plan for his master's is still in place, but because he still has the girl. She stayed with him and didn't go anywhere.

 

How did he know she will? Wasn't he afraid she was going to change her mind and leave? At what point did he decide that whatever fears he had, they're all in his head and he's the one perpetuating that? Was he never afraid at all that he was going to give up CA for someone who can leave him?

 

Thanks for your input, Neo. Everyone in this thread's been great and I'm not done addressing all of the replies yet.

[NeoGen85]

They were together since their junior year in college, and after they graduated both of them had dreams to do so much more. But they reached a point in their relationship where both of them began to think about a future with one another.

 

I don't think he had a fear of loosing her until someone gave him the chance to live in California and study there. His girlfriend who was supportive was telling him to go, but deep in her mind she didn't want him to. He realized that being across America was too much distance for their relationship. He had a great opportunity but chose his relationship instead.

 

Now, was he worried that after making the decision her feelings might change for him? I was on the phone with him last night after you asked me how he felt. As a young man straight out of college he said that there were so many questions that needed answering. But the one question that didn't was her love for him.

 

Even after 4 or 5 months in a relationship you might not actually think about getting married, but you're still thinking about your future with that person. What you need to do is sit down a talk about the direction you two are going in. And be up front because if you don't get a clear answer it'll be just as bad as not getting one at all.

[spookie]

I don't know, personally I think at 3 months in, you don't know each other well enough to be planning your lives around each other yet. Just my 0.02.

[xpaperxcutx]

Balance and priorities.

 

That's the only way you can make a relationship work.

 

I've seen people get attached at the hips too fast and too soon, and normally that's the flame that burns out quickly.

 

OhPenelope, I'm sure as much as you love your boyfriend you have to consider your personal priorities such as schooling and your future. The way you question how to fit your bf into that life makes it seem that you can't have one over the other. While it may be in the coming future, it is absolutely important you stay positive about things. It isn't give or take all. Of course, schooling will always have to come first, but in between those you can also have the support and comfort of a boyfriend. It's just that if fights do evolve out of you taking priority of one over the other, then you have to voice your concerns and communicate with your boyfriend about how you want to handle things and hope that he can understand that education and your future has to come first.

 

A person who can accept it and still love you for it is a keeper.

[0hpenelope]

 

Now, was he worried that after making the decision her feelings might change for him? I was on the phone with him last night after you asked me how he felt. As a young man straight out of college he said that there were so many questions that needed answering. But the one question that didn't was her love for him.

 

You know, LS is rife with a lot of relationship problems and usually they all end up asking about how to get an ex back or whatever, but somehow this... this made my heart happy. I'm very happy for your friend and that his story found its way on the board.

 

Even after 4 or 5 months in a relationship you might not actually think about getting married, but you're still thinking about your future with that person. What you need to do is sit down a talk about the direction you two are going in. And be up front because if you don't get a clear answer it'll be just as bad as not getting one at all.

 

That's what it's about, Neo... I can't really not include him in my future because while some people date "to see where it goes," I'm the kind of girl who, at this point, refuses to date someone who I can't see as a husband candidate for me. A lot of my cousins who found how have said that they're impressed with him on the mere basis that he got me to say yes.

 

There's a bunch of context too and I wasn't forthright, I'm sorry to say. I made a thread in the Friendships subforum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t240171/, asking for advice because Snuggie admits to being close to his first love/first girl he slept with. The rest of the story is up there in a nutshell. papercut was involved in my haze of sadness and I doused it with good ol' Potters whiskey. I'm not a whiskey kind of girl, would have preferred to down a whole bottle of Gewürztraminer, but it's what we have in the house. I was super, super sad...

 

I didn't know how to reconcile myself with him being still close with his first love, but I made it clear to him today that as a single guy, it's okay that he is. Untouchable Fire was so spot on with his/her advice to me last night: Snuggie made his commitment to me. It's not okay anymore - I'm his priority, not her, not his past attachment to her. I'm not being demanding, am I? It's frustrating for him when I ask because while he's the one who knows what he's feeling, I can only abide by what he says and does. And what he's saying is that he's committed to me, but what he's doing is he's still close with the ex-girlfriend? I didn't really know how much clearer I could make that... I was in tears in that 14-minute long message, it hurt so much to say all of those things.

 

It was good. It was uncomfortable, but it was good. I said that if I'm asking too much from him - that he can't not be close to her while staying with me - then I'm sorry, I'm not the girl for him. It made me sad, but you know... I was thinking that if there comes a time in the future where he has to choose between me and her, I would think that he will choose her and not me because he's close to her. I told him that, too. What the heck is the point of dating me then?

 

I heard from him and he chose me. I haven't asked him yet how he's going to go about disconnecting himself from being close to her I was so tired from crying, but I made it clear that he doesn't have to forfeit a friendship with her and all of his girl friends, it's just that he can't be as close with them anymore. He's not single. He said he wants me. And for as long as he does, he should honor his decision to commit to me.

 

I feel like there are so many members on LS who are like my big brothers and sisters, even though some of their advice weren't directed to me. You're one of them now. Thank you for sharing.

[0hpenelope]

I said I'd get back to you zennie and I'm grateful that you took the time to respond to me, so here we go.

 

Ah, to be 22 again. . .

 

Well, when I was 22, I wasn't ready to get married at that point in my mind-life, with where my experiences had led me. By that, I wasn't ready to even be in a relationship that, if good, could lead to marriage. I didn't think of such things consciously, but I definitely realized it later, after I finally thought, "You know what? I could get married" to myself (just in general). I think this thought develops in different people at different times, and some people never have to have the conscious thoughts.

 

I agree. As I mentioned to Knit earlier, I didn't want to get married either. I just gave up, thinking that I was going to become one of those girls that's always going to have to strive for a guy's affections. I didn't want to settle for that. Waste of time. But then there were things that I wanted and at the same time, I wouldn't feel incomplete if I didn't have them in my life? I realized that marriage was one of them: I'm okay if I'm single for life (I've lots of excellent female role models in my family who are single, are happy, and who aren't the stereotypical 'old woman with 50 cats and 20 dogs' since they don't have a family of their own), I'm okay if I'm married.

 

I was told once that as soon as I'm comfortable with myself, someone will notice me. Snuggie was that someone.

 

My point with all this rambling is: If you do get married to somebody (someday), they aren't just an addition. You are dependent upon them for some of your happiness (not all of it, IMO, as that's not healthy either). So, that notion you've mentioned you had is going to change as you get more serious with someone or in general. I think both are happening now, at your age.

 

I guess so. I feel less like an inexperienced girl the further this goes along. I guess that's why a married couple is also referred to as the "two become one." I'm... I'm overwhelmed. That's normal, isn't it? I was planning these things for myself, comfortable with the idea that I was going to be alone for the rest of my natural life but not lonely (never lonely, I'm very close to my family, extended family, and family friends who I recognize as bloodkin as well - I will never want for company), and then he came along.

 

I think you have to find the balance between your dreams. Decide if this man could, in fact, be one of your dreams. What kind of life do you dream of? Some people dream of being single and successful in their twenties, some dream of starting to settle down. Everyone has their own dreams. Nobody can tell you yours but you. And it doesn't have to be one or the other---you find your own balance.

 

I want it all? Just kidding: I want to get into a pharmacy school and I want Snuggie with me. I told him that today and he told me he's not going anywhere and he wants to stay with me, so I'll believe him. I can only keep asking so many times until it starts to get trite and exhausting, and I do need to start feeding my trust for him instead of my fears and doubts. I want him with me - we want each other. I want him to pursue his desires too, I want that for him since I want him to be happy.

 

It feels a little weird to speak in twos now and not just one. But I think I just have to get used to it.

 

Are you currently working in a pharmacy? Regardless of the BF, I'd get the pharmacy tech job (I don't even think you need a college degree to get the lowest tier jobs in a pharmacy; I recall some folks in college doing them at Walgreens or whatnot) somewhere local, save up some money, and maybe work for a year or so. This will give you both time together, but it will also help your career in your circumstances (assuming you can find such a job; I don't know your area, but lower tier healthcare jobs are in demand right now in a lot of places, and it's one of the less-blah job markets) since you have to prove you really have a passion for it, rather than the great grades. It'll also give you some great references (working with an actual pharmacist), an income, and a little bit of a school-break. Most of the people I know who were most successful in using their graduate schooling to best advantage didn't go right after college, but that's just me.

 

Not yet. I'm still finishing up electives and I do know that we have a vocational school that teaches pharmacy technician courses. After looking up alternatives because that course was in the ~$2000 range, I found one that's $500 or so but it's online. I don't mind it, it's one of those self-paced courses and if the majority is a bunch of Algebra, I'm pretty good at that (saying that without conceit). At the same time, it'll give me time to review for my PCATs and save up for those tests too, that's expensive.

 

I'll definitely need to save up money. Application fees, testing fees, flying out to interviews (going out of state, peace out competitive CA!!! ), meeting up with Snuggie... all expensive. While I'm not ashamed to admit that I will most likely ask my parents for help with the first 3 things, I will most definitely not ask them to bankroll my "trysts" with my boyfriend, it's not right to me.

 

Passion? Hoooo boy, talk to me about passion for the field! I love Pharmacy. Worked as a clerk and what I learned, I liked. I learned so much from the job... It's stressful, but my approach to work is "grace under pressure." I don't know anyone in their right mind who looks forward to duking it out with "legalized robbers" aka insurance companies. Just the other day I went to Trader Joe's and somehow, my chosen field resonated with the cashier we had. Health care is definitely something close to everyone and I didn't ask her for more information, she asked what the difference is between a pharmacist and a doctor since doctors are supposed to be the "authority." I explained it to her but I don't know if she believes me. :shrug:

 

That's okay. I can change her mind - and those who feel a lot like she does. I think patients should start utilizing pharmacists more; their services are great resources. If they have a cranky pharmacist, they should take their business elsewhere - the good ones are the ones who care about patients and aren't just focused on pill dispensing. As Snuggie said to me in an unrelated topic, "People should 'speak' with their money." Good pharmacists that are cranky are like that because they stand up all day, their backs hurt, they could never have as much time as they want with patient consultations because they are needed to do more tasks, insurance companies are Satan's spawns, and it's a largely thankless job. But the good ones found ways: my pharmacist co-workers showed me that. A smile and a sincere thank you does go a long way.

 

Do you have experience in the health care field? It sounds like you do and I'm interested in hearing more about it when you have the time. Thanks again, zennie!

Edited August 2, 2010 by 0hpenelope