lullaby Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Hi all!! So I was coming back home from work and started thinking about this. Maybe it's the flu talking and this isn't logical for you but well... What is your process of coping? Let's share some tips. I know it's all being discussed around LS but I thought it may be cool to put it all in one place. Do you let yourself weep? do you scream? are you flirting with someone else? are you into a new sport? I don't know... It may be boring and pointless for you, but maybe it's helpful for someone out there. I for example do this: If I feel like tears coming to me, I cry my heart out and then laugh because I was so silly for crying over him. I listen to painful music so I can cry, express myself and then laugh about it. I then listen to hard core rock so I get mad at the situation and release tension. And btw, I feel so powerful when I do that! I'm eating more chocolate now and I don't like chocolate that much but it makes me feel good. I'm cooking more and eating grassy food that tastes soooo yummy! I'm flirting with a guy at work and that boosts my confidence. I look in the mirror and compliment myself so I don't feel like crap. And the list goes on but I want to read yours lovely copers!
cookie2 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I find exposure/response useful. It is pretty much the opposite of your natural tendency, to block and distract yourself from disturbing thoughts. I try to visualize her screwing the OM as often as possible. It is horribly painful but it is getting better. At first I could only do it for a few seconds before bursting into tears, but now when I think about it I can control my emotions. If I'd done the usual thing of trying not to think about it, I'm sure I would still be at the bursting into tears stage.
Username37 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I work out so when my ex sees me, she'll be like "holy ****, I dumped him? How can I be so stupid!" haha
cookie2 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I work out so when my ex sees me, she'll be like "holy ****, I dumped him? How can I be so stupid!" haha Damn I wish I hadn't got a sprained foot, else I'd be in the gym 24/7!!
bonpaw2008 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I focus on the good things in my life. My kids my life my health my family. I try to see that this was not my fault and in no way a reflection on me. These were his issues, and he dealt with them badly. I look at the attention that I get and I know that I am a pretty, smart, intelligent girl that just hit a bump in the road. I know that this is his loss, and that he is going to regret it someday.
smk Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 i recall something my ex said to me about a week before she broke up with me. her b'day was coing up and I asked her what she wanted to do on the actual day, her response was: "I am going out with my friends, however you are more than welcome to join us and bring some of your friends along" keeping in my mind i live with her... oh and I had planned a picnic for the day after her birthday - just me and her and she knew about it - however a few nights before we broke up she was on the phone to an ex who dumped her 3 years prior and she made plans to meet with him that same day, when I asked her why she couldnt meet him another day because I had gone through a lot of effort to plan the picnid her response was: "sorry I forgot about the picnic, but since I have already said yes to meeting him - I wont be able to come to picnic with you because he is taking me out for a picnic" again I live with her... oh and another - she once said to me jokingly that she was only with me until someone better came along and that she didnt even know what she saw in me. all of this happened in the 2 weeks preceeding the break up. WTF is wrong with me - even after all of that I am here wanting her back, pining for her...
shadowplay Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Hi all!! So I was coming back home from work and started thinking about this. Maybe it's the flu talking and this isn't logical for you but well... What is your process of coping? Let's share some tips. I know it's all being discussed around LS but I thought it may be cool to put it all in one place. Do you let yourself weep? do you scream? are you flirting with someone else? are you into a new sport? I don't know... It may be boring and pointless for you, but maybe it's helpful for someone out there. I for example do this: If I feel like tears coming to me, I cry my heart out and then laugh because I was so silly for crying over him. I listen to painful music so I can cry, express myself and then laugh about it. I then listen to hard core rock so I get mad at the situation and release tension. And btw, I feel so powerful when I do that! I'm eating more chocolate now and I don't like chocolate that much but it makes me feel good. I'm cooking more and eating grassy food that tastes soooo yummy! I'm flirting with a guy at work and that boosts my confidence. I look in the mirror and compliment myself so I don't feel like crap. And the list goes on but I want to read yours lovely copers! I'm starting to think that it doesn't matter much what you do in dealing with the pain. Whatever you do, it just fades with time. Now whether you recover your self esteem and how quickly is a separate issue. That does take some work. It's basically a behavioral thing -- forcing yourself to improve your life and get out more.
YellowShark Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I'm flirting with a guy at work and that boosts my confidence. Please don't do this one. Never flirt or get involved with anyone at work. When it goes bad, you still have to go to there and see "them" every day. Instead flirt with the billions of guys out there who are not at work.
bonpaw2008 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 WTF is wrong with me - even after all of that I am here wanting her back, pining for her... I really think it is the rejection thing that we are not getting over. How can they treat us like **** after all we did for them? How can you feel so strongly for her, and she just tosses you aside? Still a mystery to me how I did so much, asked for so little, compromised myself, my beliefs etc just to make him feel comfortable and happy, and all I get is rejected. But we didn't get rejected. This has nothing to do with us. They fell out of love, they decided we weren't as important as other things. We need to stop making them the center of everything ...
YellowShark Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I really think it is the rejection thing that we are not getting over. How can they treat us like **** after all we did for them? Because you are looking for validation from them. Give up on that. Once I did I felt 1000 times better! Still a mystery to me how I did so much, asked for so little, compromised myself, my beliefs etc just to make him feel comfortable and happy, and all I get is rejected. Because you were possibly in a co-dependent relationship. I was.. and had no idea that I was until I was told what a "co-dependent relationship" was. "Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others."
Author lullaby Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Please don't do this one. Never flirt or get involved with anyone at work. When it goes bad, you still have to go to there and see "them" every day. Instead flirt with the billions of guys out there who are not at work. Thanks for the advice! He's from work but doesn't work with me. Either way, it's just something silly, nothing is really going on but I put it as an example of something that helped me, at least to boost my confidence. Thanks again!
bonpaw2008 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Because you are looking for validation from them. Give up on that. Once I did I felt 1000 times better! Because you were possibly in a co-dependent relationship. I was.. and had no idea that I was until I was told what a "co-dependent relationship" was. "Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others." Yellow - you rock! I know that I have a co-dependent personality due to childhood issues. He was f-ed up when I met him, down on girls, down on life, in a really dark place. Why I thought it was my one job in life to fix him I don't know. Probably just to take my mind off my own issues. Hey - about validation, what am I looking to be validated for? That the whole relationship and everything that I felt/thought/experienced wasn't a bold-faced lie? That he does love me and that made a mistake? I don't know.....
bonpaw2008 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Thanks for the advice! He's from work but doesn't work with me. Either way, it's just something silly, nothing is really going on but I put it as an example of something that helped me, at least to boost my confidence. Thanks again! I know what you mean Lull, it does help when someone pays attention, wants to talk to you, etc. The little 20 year old at the Verizon store yesterday really made me feel like a Goddess But I need to find that same feeling in myself, I can't always be looking for validation of how special I am from external sources, I need to know it myself...
smk Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Because you were possibly in a co-dependent relationship. I was.. and had no idea that I was until I was told what a "co-dependent relationship" was. "Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others." Wow - ok that explains a lot - here is an overview of me: 1) I have a fear of abandonment 2) I have an addictive personality 3) I am no a co-dependant 4) I am a sexy mofo Hmmm - would I date me??? **** when you put it into perspective like that I am pretty ****ed in the head... Ahh who give a damn.... Life's for living...
bonpaw2008 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Wow - ok that explains a lot - here is an overview of me: 1) I have a fear of abandonment 2) I have an addictive personality 3) I am no a co-dependant 4) I am a sexy mofo Hmmm - would I date me??? **** when you put it into perspective like that I am pretty ****ed in the head... Ahh who give a damn.... Life's for living... LOL! I would date you but I have the same issues, so someone would end up chopped up in the freezer
smk Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 He was f-ed up when I met him, down on girls, down on life, in a really dark place. Why I thought it was my one job in life to fix him I don't know. Probably just to take my mind off my own issues. mine had been through the f-ed up phase and was piecing her life back together, but still had a lot of relationship issues that I thought I could help her deal with - well look how that one panned out...LOL... Just like you I guess was trying not to deal with my own stuff... Bon - since we both have the same issues wouldnt they just get cancelled out??? dont 2 negatives make a positive???lol
bonpaw2008 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 mine had been through the f-ed up phase and was piecing her life back together, but still had a lot of relationship issues that I thought I could help her deal with - well look how that one panned out...LOL... Just like you I guess was trying not to deal with my own stuff... Bon - since we both have the same issues wouldnt they just get cancelled out??? dont 2 negatives make a positive???lol I am just glad I found my male twin
YellowShark Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Hey - about validation, what am I looking to be validated for? I think you want to hear "what a great job you did" and "how much you sacrificed" from the EX's lips, so that you feel validated. But they cannot do that for you... because they are incapable of it. Once I realized that my EX will never be able to say those things to me - even though I did do so many kind things for her - I could let go and move on. I know what I did, and that's good enough for me.
MsSydneyLane Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 So I was coming back home from work and started thinking about this. Maybe it's the flu talking and this isn't logical for you but well... What is your process of coping? Let's share some tips. I know it's all being discussed around LS but I thought it may be cool to put it all in one place. Do you let yourself weep? do you scream? are you flirting with someone else? are you into a new sport? I don't know... It may be boring and pointless for you, but maybe it's helpful for someone out there.1. work out in the gym 2. go overtime in work 3. hang out with friends 4. eat delicious foods 5. write, blog, listen to music.. and if it all fails.. cry my heart out!
smk Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 1. work out in the gym 2. go overtime in work 3. hang out with friends 4. eat delicious foods 5. write, blog, listen to music.. and if it all fails.. cry my heart out! Ooh ooh ooh another person from London.... I am overjoyed that I have now seen 4 ppl from the Uk on LS... Sorry lull I know it's off topic I just couldn't resist saying hello to a fellow Londoner
Author lullaby Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Ooh ooh ooh another person from London.... I am overjoyed that I have now seen 4 ppl from the Uk on LS... Sorry lull I know it's off topic I just couldn't resist saying hello to a fellow Londoner It's fine Smk! I just wish there was someone from Argentina! but oh well... my profession involves me using English so I have it a second language, I don't think I will find someone from my country!
smk Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 It's fine Smk! I just wish there was someone from Argentina! but oh well... my profession involves me using English so I have it a second language, I don't think I will find someone from my country! Argentina sounds cool - I am actually going for a South American Festival tomorrow - apparently so is my ex - lets just hope I dont bump into her...
Author lullaby Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Ok guys. Today is gonna be hard. I've just been informed that my grandpa is at the hospital. He's been having tough times, he's almost 90 and not doing well at all. He's down with pneumonia now and well... there is no much hope left for him. I was doing so well yesterday, watched Shutter Island, had a blast at work and now it all crumbles because I'm alone coping with this. I know I can pick up the phone and call my ex because we've been having LC and we've always been there for each other during tough times after the break up and I don't want to add more pain to me thinking that he's not here with me. I'll try to focus on studying today and let's see how it goes.
smk Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Ok guys. Today is gonna be hard. I've just been informed that my grandpa is at the hospital. He's been having tough times, he's almost 90 and not doing well at all. He's down with pneumonia now and well... there is no much hope left for him. I was doing so well yesterday, watched Shutter Island, had a blast at work and now it all crumbles because I'm alone coping with this. I know I can pick up the phone and call my ex because we've been having LC and we've always been there for each other during tough times after the break up and I don't want to add more pain to me thinking that he's not here with me. I'll try to focus on studying today and let's see how it goes. Lullaby, I am so sorry to hear that. I hope he gets better. We are all here for you.
bonpaw2008 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Ok guys. Today is gonna be hard. I've just been informed that my grandpa is at the hospital. He's been having tough times, he's almost 90 and not doing well at all. He's down with pneumonia now and well... there is no much hope left for him. I was doing so well yesterday, watched Shutter Island, had a blast at work and now it all crumbles because I'm alone coping with this. I know I can pick up the phone and call my ex because we've been having LC and we've always been there for each other during tough times after the break up and I don't want to add more pain to me thinking that he's not here with me. I'll try to focus on studying today and let's see how it goes. Thinking about you and your family, so sorry for what is going on. Hopefully there are a lot more people around you to support you so you don't have to call the ex.
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