loneroc Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Hello All. My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years. We are both in our first marriages. Prior to me, she had a very long and intense relationship with her high-school sweetheart, which ended rather abruptly. We met four months after they had broken up. We feel in love rather quickly and she moved with me after 3 months we were dating. We got married within a year from when we started dating. We have always had a wonderful and stress free relationship. Sex was good in the first 5 years and them started to decrease and become more more like a choir than instinctive. I was the weak link of our sex life. She would almost always initiate. About 2 years ago, we decided to have a baby. She got pregnant within 6 months but had 2 miscarriages in a row. Having sex at this point was really mechanical and I began having performance anxiety. Since then, our sex life became inexistent. She is a beautiful woman, she was a model in her early years. On talking with her, she stated that same thing everyone always says: that she loves me, but she is not in love with me. It broke my heart and made me rethink all I could have done differently to keep her happy. I had plenty warning from her. So, now I am left with this dilemma, I wanted to try a Trial Separation with her, but I don't know if in this situation, I am making a mistake on giving her more space. I think at this point she is extremely sex-starved and I am not in (mental) condition to correct the situation. We still love each other and care for each other more than anyone in this world. I still have sexual desire for her, but on her end, she is withholding it from me. I also like the idea of having my own space and have more time to do things on my own, but cannot even consider being even a minute away from her. I know we will both suffer through this and would like to know from LS members if I am doing the correct decision and what are my chances of correcting this issue?
Author loneroc Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 (edited) My wife will not have sex with another man until we legally get divorced. She has extremely good family values. She also lost about 10-15 lbs due to the stress she is going through with her feelings. I love her so much, that the last thing I want is for her to get sick Edited July 30, 2010 by loneroc add info
GorillaTheater Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 My wife will not have sex with another man until we legally get divorced. She has extremely good family values. She also lost about 10-15 lbs due to the stress she is going through with her feelings. I love her so much, that the last thing I want is for her to get sick I hope you're right, because if you google "I love you but I'm not in love with you" you may be quite dismayed at what you find. Generally speaking, and this may or may not be true in your case, it means that she is either actively looking for or has found another man. Take some time and wrap your mind around this strong possibility, and understand that I don't want to hurt you, I want you to protect yourself. I recommend some hard core snooping: keyloggers, a thorough review of phone records, and maybe a VAR under her car seat. Why? So you know exactly what you're dealing with and can act accordingly.
carhill Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 There's a high school sweetheart somewhere in all of this. Welcome to LS. As our psychologist correctly (IMO) stated, people separate to get divorced, not to work on their marriage. If your wife isn't willing to go to MC *concurrent* with your separation, file for divorce tomorrow.
Author loneroc Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Highschool sweatheart leaves overseas and there basically no chances of them getting back together. They have not talked to each other in more than 10 years.
carhill Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 TBH, I have no real way of knowing who my wife talked to during our ten year marriage. I did meet one ex-husband and one ex-boyfriend. You just never really know. Regardless, the clear signal is lack of willingness to work on the M, or so it seems. I'd go with that, unless you like playing PI and doing the GPS locators, keyloggers, phone taps, etc, etc.. You could do all of that, catch her in blatant lies and all she would do is laugh at you and take her sexy self (your description) down the road to the next offramp. That's what women do. Accept it.
Author loneroc Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 I don't know if she is the average "Jane" out there. She has endured years of subpar sexual satisfaction from me and has not even come late from work once in all our married love. I kissed her yesterday and asked if she felt anything from it and she said yes. In 10 years, she has never lied to me. I understand that feelings or lack of thereof can change that, but she is extremely down to earth with me.
Iconoclast Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I love you, but i'm not in love with you. You don't realize yet how frightening those words are. Time to raise all the antenna's. Full alert. Check everything. Don't say a word to her if you find anything, gather your evidence, then come back for advice, 'cause you WILL screw it up. I've read this story 1000 times, from 1000 people. 95% of the time, it's bad.
cookie2 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I heard the same phrase a week ago. Also she wanted to get away for a few days to "clear her head". She was screwing someone else. Sorry dude.
cavedweller Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 loneroc, Pal, it is over.. She is spreading her legs for some other dude... You need to wake up and smell the coffee..
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