caru Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Wasn't sure which forum this belonged in but i'm trying to cope with it all so what the hell, into coping it goes!! My male best friend has been very flirty with me, since we met 5 years ago. However he had a girlfriend- who is now one of my best friends. So I would always push him away. Anyway, they broke up in January 2008. He was devastated and I helped him to get through it. His flirting got more and more intense. By December 2008 we were sleeping together. He honestly made me feel like he really really liked me.. although he never actually said it. We couldn't become boyfriend and girlfriend due to his ex being a close friend to us. I was on top of the world early 2009. He would ring me and text me all through the day and shower me with compliments. However, one day I found out from a mutual friend he was sleeping with 2 other girls in Uni. I was devastated But at the same time I didn't want to confront him because I thought 'well, he thinks im just a f/buddy and i've been used'. So i pretended as if I didn't care- he obviously didn't. I promised myself to not give into him again. But every time we saw each other I got weak again and gave into him, and we'd just end up in bed together, talk on the phone every day, hang out a lot, etc. He used to tell me so many things like 'i can't stop thinking about you' bla bla. No-one had ever treated me like he did. Even though we had a friends with benefits kind of thing going on he always lead me on acting like it was more.. he used to say he felt like we made love when we slept together.. along with all the intimacy and compliments it was a situation full of mixed signals for me. More recently, I was playing about in his phone and a conversation popped up with a girl from uni. I could see further up the convo and that he said he couldnt stop thinking about her. All the other compliments he'd said to me (personal ones, about me/my appearance etc), he'd said to her also. I mentioned it to a mutual friend who said 'i've seen him say those things to about 20 girls now, he just does it for attention, he doesn't even fancy any of them'. Moreover, I'm now pretty sure he's sleeping with one of my friends And he's forever having a girl from uni stay at his house. I am RIDDEN with jealousy, absolutely ridden. This situation has been tearing me apart for 2 years now. When we're together I feel on top of the world but when I hear what he's been up too with other girls I can't help but cry. When he hears i've kissed someone else (rarely happens..) he goes crazy. So loveshack, i've decided to stop this 'arrangement' right this second. He is an attention-seeking machiene that is trying to get as many girls to fall in love with him as possible- and it's working. Firstly, how do I stop thinking about him all day? It's got so bad, i keep my phone glued to me hoping he'll contact me. I nap throughout the day because it's the only thing I can do that will keep my mind off him . Secondly, do I tell him how I feel about him? I REALLY don't want too because it looks like he has no feelings for me at all and i'd feel very silly, also we have the same friendship circle and that might make things awkward. Do I just wait until he initiates something sexual and tell him i'm not interested anymore, without reason? We're meant to be going to the cinema monday, do I cancel this so I can avoid him? I think maybe I should. We hung out 2 nights ago and the whole time he was texting his new love interest, don't think I could put myself through that again- having to pretend I don't care. I'm going to turn this into a kind of coping log so I can post here every day with my feelings, but advice from you guys would be fantastic. I know he's not an ex husband, or even an ex, but I still fell deeply in love (not just lust) with this guy and I need help badly. Thankyou to anyone who read all of this.
bonpaw2008 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Hey Car- sorry about your situation. It is so hard for girls to not get attached even when we try our hardest not to. This guy sounds like a predator to me, someone that just chews girls up and spits them out, bet he has some serious issues underneath all that. Anyway, so glad that you found us, you need to start NC right away. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ He doesn't deserve to know what you feel for him, he deserves to be without you and see what he is missing. This guy is a creep, using and abusing hearts in his wake. Sooner you get away the better! Best wishes, I know this is going to be hard because you spent so much time together and he weaseled his way into your whole life. Go NC, don't cave, keep yourself busy.
jsa100100 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 a very messy messy situation indeed. Best but hardest in my opinion? Split up your friends and start NC. Tell them whats been going on if you need to, but just come out into the open. Being secretive is making things very unhealthy and you're getting used constantly, lowering your self-esteem and worth. Oh, and one other thing, please don't look to another guy for comfort or support in any way...it'll only get messier. The best way to cope is to rely only on yourself and your close friends (preferrably girls). Rebound is the easy way out and don't cheapen yourself for instant gratification or you'll just be in for more heartache in the future.
Author caru Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Hey Car- sorry about your situation. It is so hard for girls to not get attached even when we try our hardest not to. This guy sounds like a predator to me, someone that just chews girls up and spits them out, bet he has some serious issues underneath all that. Anyway, so glad that you found us, you need to start NC right away. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ He doesn't deserve to know what you feel for him, he deserves to be without you and see what he is missing. This guy is a creep, using and abusing hearts in his wake. Sooner you get away the better! Best wishes, I know this is going to be hard because you spent so much time together and he weaseled his way into your whole life. Go NC, don't cave, keep yourself busy. Thankyou so much for your advice!! I'm glad I found you all too. I really want to do NC.. but there's one problem- his ex is one of our best friends, and she doesn't know whats been going on. She's aware we've kissed before but nothing else. So going NC would involve having to tell her wouldn't it? She's fully over him and has a new boyfriend, but I didn't tell her at risk of loosing her
Author caru Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 a very messy messy situation indeed. Best but hardest in my opinion? Split up your friends and start NC. Tell them whats been going on if you need to, but just come out into the open. Being secretive is making things very unhealthy and you're getting used constantly, lowering your self-esteem and worth. Oh, and one other thing, please don't look to another guy for comfort or support in any way...it'll only get messier. The best way to cope is to rely only on yourself and your close friends (preferrably girls). Rebound is the easy way out and don't cheapen yourself for instant gratification or you'll just be in for more heartache in the future. Thanks so much for your sound advice. Being secretive honestly eats me up inside.. but I know coming out in the open now would tear my friendship circle into pieces, and they really are my world And then he truly has won.. but you're right, secrets are unhealthy. I'm not the sort of girl to rebound. Whilst he must have issues deep down to make him use so many girls, I don't, but what you said will enforce that even more Do you guys think he has been in the wrong at all? I spoke to a friend at uni about all this who said he's not my boyfriend, therefore he has done nothing wrong, and that I should have expected him to sleep with other people. However he's sent out very mixed messages to me, as explained in my first post.. hrrmm. Thanks again
TaraMaiden Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I don't mean to sound harsh, but you played into this, and really, should have been more upfront and honest from the beginning... So now you've had your fingers burnt. There's no question he's a flake. But there again, he doesn't feel officially attached to anyone, and is of the opinion that he can sleep around without reproach... However, I get the impression he's like a Sheik with a harem.. They're all his to hump, but woe betide you if you find another camel ride....!! I think in this case NC would be difficult, but I do think you have to call a halt to his using you as a FWB, because you obviously have far more emotion invested in this than he has. Break it off, tell him you're not prepared to do this any more, because you want to date other guys and find a SO who can be everything to you, and to you alone. you want to be free to go your own way, so thanks for everything, but as you get the impression that he's a free-spirited kinda guy with his eye on the merchandise, you're happy to let him do that....that's his prerogative. yours is to go your way and live your life.... But you have to mean this. You have to be sincere and true to yourself. You have to walk the talk, and do it 100%. Or else your credibility and reputation will fizzle to something worthless..... Does this seem a good idea? More importantly - can you do it??
Author caru Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 I don't mean to sound harsh, but you played into this, and really, should have been more upfront and honest from the beginning... So now you've had your fingers burnt. There's no question he's a flake. But there again, he doesn't feel officially attached to anyone, and is of the opinion that he can sleep around without reproach... However, I get the impression he's like a Sheik with a harem.. They're all his to hump, but woe betide you if you find another camel ride....!! I think in this case NC would be difficult, but I do think you have to call a halt to his using you as a FWB, because you obviously have far more emotion invested in this than he has. Break it off, tell him you're not prepared to do this any more, because you want to date other guys and find a SO who can be everything to you, and to you alone. you want to be free to go your own way, so thanks for everything, but as you get the impression that he's a free-spirited kinda guy with his eye on the merchandise, you're happy to let him do that....that's his prerogative. yours is to go your way and live your life.... But you have to mean this. You have to be sincere and true to yourself. You have to walk the talk, and do it 100%. Or else your credibility and reputation will fizzle to something worthless..... Does this seem a good idea? More importantly - can you do it?? Nono I agree with you, i'm definitely partly to blame for all this. I'm going to have to break it off. I'll wait until he initiates something next and tell him, rather than do it out of the blue. I'm not even sure he will initiate anything anymore seeing as he's currently preoccupied with other people, but at least then i'll have no other choice but to move on. I'm talking the talk, I just hope to god I can walk the walk. I've tried to do this so many times, I just hope I can finally finally muster up the courage this time. To keep me going I just need to focus on how much better our friendship was before this whole mess, and maybe that can be restored one day... and also all the bad things he's done to me these past 2 years, and that he doesn't care about me nearly half as much as I care about him. Thankyou very much for your advice- very grateful! I'll let you know how this all goes, i'll be kicking myself so so hard if I don't stick to this.
LoveTruthChaos Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 This guy sounds like a predator to me, someone that just chews girls up and spits them out, bet he has some serious issues underneath all that. I needed this put in writing in front of me. Thank you
Author caru Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 Well, as I said i'm kind of going to be logging here. I don't expect anyone to reply but a few more words of encouragement are always welcomed There was pure NC yesterday, he didn't contact me either. If he doesn't contact me today then it will be quite a long time since he's contacted me first.. which suggests he's moved on I know deep down it's good for me, but I really want him to contact me so I can tell him that our arrangement is over, as I feel like i'll have more closure then! So i'm kind of hoping he'll contact me, but I doubt it. I still scramble for my phone whenever it goes off and find out it's not him. It's a friends birthday tonight so will be inevitabley seeing him at the pub tonight, will be civil of course- nothing more.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I needed this put in writing in front of me. Thank you Glad this helped you Love, we all know these men that can say the exact same thing to multiple girls, I bet they even mean it. It is pretty easy to keep a bunch on a string when they are telling the same lie...
bonpaw2008 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Well, as I said i'm kind of going to be logging here. I don't expect anyone to reply but a few more words of encouragement are always welcomed There was pure NC yesterday, he didn't contact me either. If he doesn't contact me today then it will be quite a long time since he's contacted me first.. which suggests he's moved on I know deep down it's good for me, but I really want him to contact me so I can tell him that our arrangement is over, as I feel like i'll have more closure then! So i'm kind of hoping he'll contact me, but I doubt it. I still scramble for my phone whenever it goes off and find out it's not him. It's a friends birthday tonight so will be inevitabley seeing him at the pub tonight, will be civil of course- nothing more. Caru - the best thing for you to do is nothing. If he can see this is not affecting you, that your relationship was exactly what it was to him (a booty call) then you win! He doesn't.... If he does contact you - be friends! I know it is hard because you want him so bad, but this guy is such bad news. If he wants to talk about it or tries to make a move on you just remember how many other girls he does this to on a daily basis. He is a user, he is just using you to stroke his own ego, to see how many girls he can get to fall in love with him so he can break them. He has the issues....don't let him drag you into them. Seriously, look spectacular, laugh, joke, kid, have a great time at the party. Limit your contact with him, DON"T BE ALONE WITH HIM, think about how awesome you will feel when he goes home alone (or to one of the other skanks in his phone) and you get your self-esteem back. GOOD LUCK GIRL! You got this.....
Author caru Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 Caru - the best thing for you to do is nothing. If he can see this is not affecting you, that your relationship was exactly what it was to him (a booty call) then you win! He doesn't.... If he does contact you - be friends! I know it is hard because you want him so bad, but this guy is such bad news. If he wants to talk about it or tries to make a move on you just remember how many other girls he does this to on a daily basis. He is a user, he is just using you to stroke his own ego, to see how many girls he can get to fall in love with him so he can break them. He has the issues....don't let him drag you into them. Seriously, look spectacular, laugh, joke, kid, have a great time at the party. Limit your contact with him, DON"T BE ALONE WITH HIM, think about how awesome you will feel when he goes home alone (or to one of the other skanks in his phone) and you get your self-esteem back. GOOD LUCK GIRL! You got this..... You honestly hit the nail on the head there.. on every possible level! I need to keep reminding myself how many girls he does this too, i'm not special.. i'm just one of them. He has issues, I don't, and never have done, so I need to stop being dragged down. I don't need to be dependent on anyone! It's still slightly bittersweet that the time I find the courage to stop all this it doesn't look like he's bothered anyway, I would have found it much more fulfilling for him to get dropped before he had a chance to drop me- maybe then he would have learnt a lesson Oh well.. thankyou bonpaw, you have no idea how much your words mean to me!
bonpaw2008 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 You honestly hit the nail on the head there.. on every possible level! I need to keep reminding myself how many girls he does this too, i'm not special.. i'm just one of them. He has issues, I don't, and never have done, so I need to stop being dragged down. I don't need to be dependent on anyone! It's still slightly bittersweet that the time I find the courage to stop all this it doesn't look like he's bothered anyway, I would have found it much more fulfilling for him to get dropped before he had a chance to drop me- maybe then he would have learnt a lesson Oh well.. thankyou bonpaw, you have no idea how much your words mean to me! Oh honey trust me, it is and will bother him!!! He is a narsassitic fool that needs the attention that all these girls bring, as you break away he will chase you....be strong girl, beat him at his own game. And don't be fooled, even if he does profess his undying love to you, he doesn't mean it. I don't think he is capable and you are just going to get stomped on all over again. Go find someone available and healthy to give yourself to, this guy is all washed up!!!
Author caru Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 Oh honey trust me, it is and will bother him!!! He is a narsassitic fool that needs the attention that all these girls bring, as you break away he will chase you....be strong girl, beat him at his own game. And don't be fooled, even if he does profess his undying love to you, he doesn't mean it. I don't think he is capable and you are just going to get stomped on all over again. Go find someone available and healthy to give yourself to, this guy is all washed up!!! I guess you're right, he's so narcassistic i don't know if he'd be able to cope with one of his sources being cut off! I really really hope it is bothering him, although at the moment i'm not getting that impression at all.. maybe give it time, its only been 5 days since i gave him attention! Ohh bp I would LOVE for him to profess his love to me, just so I can shoot him down and tell him what I really think!! I just that oppurtunity so much so I can get closure. If I don't get a chance to say it I feel like i'll be left hanging, and potentially he could come back further into the future when i'm less mad, and he'll do it all over again. Looking at it objectively, this has been going on for so long, I can't really believe that he's just decided to end everything with me just like that. He'll be back.. right? Just a matter of time. Just want him to chase me! I broke NC just now.. :/ I kind of had to though.. well, I could have avoided it I suppose. A mutual friend explicitly asked me to get in contact with him because he couldn't (about lifts for tonight), so I had to text with a question on behalf of this friend. Got a very short reply, (which i didnt reply too of course!) but quite surprised there was nothing else. So, to resist texting again, i've turned my phone off for the day. Sorry for rambling on... i'm sure no-one cares but this is beyond theraputic! Thankyou BP, so much!
bonpaw2008 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I guess you're right, he's so narcassistic i don't know if he'd be able to cope with one of his sources being cut off! I really really hope it is bothering him, although at the moment i'm not getting that impression at all.. maybe give it time, its only been 5 days since i gave him attention! Ohh bp I would LOVE for him to profess his love to me, just so I can shoot him down and tell him what I really think!! I just that oppurtunity so much so I can get closure. If I don't get a chance to say it I feel like i'll be left hanging, and potentially he could come back further into the future when i'm less mad, and he'll do it all over again. Looking at it objectively, this has been going on for so long, I can't really believe that he's just decided to end everything with me just like that. He'll be back.. right? Just a matter of time. Just want him to chase me! I broke NC just now.. :/ I kind of had to though.. well, I could have avoided it I suppose. A mutual friend explicitly asked me to get in contact with him because he couldn't (about lifts for tonight), so I had to text with a question on behalf of this friend. Got a very short reply, (which i didnt reply too of course!) but quite surprised there was nothing else. So, to resist texting again, i've turned my phone off for the day. Sorry for rambling on... i'm sure no-one cares but this is beyond theraputic! Thankyou BP, so much! You are welcome, and of course we care!! I think that was great communication, just about a lift, not about anything personal. KEEP IT THAT WAY! You don't need to talk about the relationship, just let it be gone.... And if it doesn't work and he doesn't come back more the better. You can create your own closure by remembering that unfortunately you were just one of many, and you are no longer going to be used by someone like that.
Author caru Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 You are welcome, and of course we care!! I think that was great communication, just about a lift, not about anything personal. KEEP IT THAT WAY! You don't need to talk about the relationship, just let it be gone.... And if it doesn't work and he doesn't come back more the better. You can create your own closure by remembering that unfortunately you were just one of many, and you are no longer going to be used by someone like that. Thankyou for your inspirational words Keeping communication like I did back then fell to pieces. My group of friends have spent so much time together this summer that it's been very difficult not to get close again with him. Ive been on a rollercoaster of emotions this month so far.. sometimes I feel like the pleasure really is worth the pain, sometimes I don't. I am just ridiculously obsessed with this person and I can't seem to stop it! Bonpaw, earlier you mentioned 'narcissist', which has helped me a LOT with understanding why he acts the way he does. He has so many other girls like me on a string and it's so frustrating to feel used We were meant to hang out today until I got the distinct impression he didn't want too, so I cancelled. When he got shirty with me I stopped responding to him and ignored him. I know he hates that, thus normally by now he would have contacted me again until he can have the last word, but he hasn't I can't tell you how difficult its been not to text him back. It was only 3 hours ago unyet i'm an absolute mess, having to find ridiculous things to do to distract myself. Sometimes I turn off my phone for half hour expecting a text when I turn it back on, but there never is one. Why am I torturting myself? This is on my mind constantly and nothing I can do can shake it off I am just so obsessed with someone who uses me and treats me bad but I just can't help myself from going back to him! This has been going on for so so long, I just wish he'd move millions of miles away and never speak to me again so I can get over this.
Author caru Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 oh my god, i broke it! i just text him! and he didnt reply! why cant i help myself!?!? help me! im breaking down!
gfunknown Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Caru, I know too well how you are feeling and it is brutal. I have turned off my ringer on the phone and cell phone to do the NC. But as soon as I turn it them all back on and look to see if he had called ... I see that he didn't...I was upset. Then the rush feeling of needing to text him or call him was so intense. I take a big breathe and think is it worth the aggravation/embarrassment and holding onto the thought - what am I going to say and is he going to answer? Most likely he will not answer since he has call display...if he is home. If he isn't then he will know that I called. I project that he sees that I called and probably laugh a bit and enjoy the thrill of knowing that I still need him. Like tonight I was out and looked at my phone to see...well nope he did not call. So here I am to get it off my chest that yes I am still holding onto the burnt out candle. The last words we spoke of he said that we need to take a break - well I sort of am holding onto that but deep down I believe it is the final ending. I keep hearing the words in my head re[repeatedly and it is not getting me know where. My ex is a fake a shell of a man who has no empathy for anyone. Not even his own Mother. Who I have spoken to almost every day the last 2 weeks. He doesn't need love he needs someone to cater to his needs - forget about mine. I need attention and affection too...it is 50/50 not take take take. I did so much for him and I didn't get anything in return. I AM NOT A PUPPET! I know my ex is a narcissist and I truly believe it 1000%. They thrive on how we are feeling. He doesn't care about me at all. I could be bleeding in a ditch and would probably just walk on by. My birthday is coming up and I wondering if he will text me happy birthday to me or am I totally discarded. I broke up with him prior to his birthday and texted him on his birthday. Now that he turned everything around to make it look like we are not broken up just on a break. Hmmmm I believe I am on the fence just in case the new girl/supply for him will work out or not. He may be back...or not. I would love to see that he does contact me. I wonder how long it will take? weeks, months....i am giving him one month and after that NO MORE thinking of him!! I hope I can get that far. I hope you are doing well....please respond with any comments or questions...I am sure I can so relate.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I agree with Bi, try that book or any one about women, sex, and addiction. This is all about ego and self-esteem girls. You can't stay away from these ******* men because you feel so little for yourself the only thing that gives you happiness is the scraps of attention they provide. Also you know how absolutely great you are, how can't they???? Ego and self-worth can drive you crazy.... SAY NO TO CONTACT! It will make you crazy for a minute, hour, day but you will finally say "wow that felt really good! I didn't give in, he didn't use me this time" and it will get easier time after time... I speak from experience, it would be so easy to fall into the same situation with the person that used me and only thought of himself. But I am worth so much more than that. He pushes friendship to soothe his own guilt and to keep me on a string, but NC is for me. He doesn't deserve my friendship, time or energy, and neither does yours.
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