LizS Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 In short, its been about 7 weeks since he broke up with me. After the breakup he acted conflicted and confused and either treated me basically as his girlfriend and wanted alot of physical affection or he was unusually cold and acted like he didnt know me. He stressed that he wanted to be friends and keep me around, although he couldnt tell me why when I asked. He's been dating another girl for almost 3 weeks. The last time I had contact with him was July 7th on gmail chat. I told him I would be out for a few months. The last thing he sent was "good luck sorting me out." He stayed signed off chat for a couple weeks. When he signed back on, I knew it was only to talk to me or for me to see that he was online. He doesnt talk to anyone else on chat, it was always our way of talking during the day. I know he isnt talking to anyone else because he is idle almost all the time. The last time I physically saw him, but did not speak to him was July 12th, at a social event. This past Tuesday, he sent me "hey, good luck at your show tomorrow night." I was expecting him to reach out soon, but I was a little surprised that he knew when my show was. I deleted him from my facebook, so he must have found out from a mutual friend or someone elses facebook. Five hours later I sent him a simple "thanks." He immediately responded with "no problem, so are you really eating meat?" For the past 10 years Ive been a strict vegetarian, and within the past two weeks, Ive been eating meat again, Im trying to gain weight and muscle, as I am auditioning for some dance companies in January. Again, he must have found out from a friends facebook or a mutual friend. I didnt respond to him, and he signed off 10 minutes later. He has signed back on chat since then, but hasnt tried to talk to me again. Do I keep no contact? It hasnt been very long at all. Or since he has a girlfriend is it more beneficial to do low contact? I dont want to come across as bitter and petty by totally ignoring him. I will absolutely not be his friend, though. I still want him back, and am scared he'll get attached to this other girl and it will be too late for me to make a move after a few months of no contact. But I also feel like after a few months, he'll have seen her flaws and Ill have had more of a chance to work on myself. Its a predicament for me. I dont know whether to go for him now or wait. I know he'll reach out to me again, Im just not sure what to do when he does.
DustySaltus Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Or since he has a girlfriend is it more beneficial to do low contact? NO CONTACT. By contacting him, you're letting him know that you are ok with his behavior. But I also feel like after a few months, he'll have seen her flaws and Ill have had more of a chance to work on myself. By then, you'll see his flaws and be focused on what makes you happy. You'll be in a better place trust me, stick to nc. Read the links in my signature.
Author LizS Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 Thanks for the advice. I just have so much conflicting advice and routes to go. If I fall off the planet for a few months and come back and we reconnect great after having our respective space and lives, I think it will at least make him think twice. In this case I would break no contact. Not anytime soon, but winter or spring if he even manages to leave me alone that long. BUT if hes still with the new girl by that time, it will be harder for him to split up with her. Maybe I would make the mistake of waiting too long. If I only respond when he initiates contact, I feel I wont come across as bitter or angry. I know Ill always be in the back of his mind. But I also wont be reaching out and contacting him, so I wont be the one chasing him. He wasnt ready to totally let go of me when we broke up, and insisted we be friends. I feel he wants to keep me around as a backup plan. If I decided to do this, I would not constantly answer him or be available to him. If I completely and totally ignore all contact and drop off the face of the earth and never come back, I have a hard time imagining he'd come back to me on his own even if he wanted to, because he would almost certainly think that I hate him. When I actually don't. Ive also been told I should spill my guts to him right now and then go no contact. Like, be honest and tell him I think we could be great together and that we can easily work out our issues. But honestly, I feel that would have no effect on him. Hes in the honeymoon stage with the new girl, is probably having a good time with her, and doing that would make me look desperate, I feel. But also, maybe an advantage of doing something like that would be that it would sway him from this other girl right now since he isnt that involved or invested in her yet. But that is highly unlikely right now. Im not sure which route to go. The things I am certain of are that I will not be buddies with him, I will not reach out to him for a very long time, and he has to express serious interest in working things out with me for it to work. I also know that he will contact me again, and that I do have a good shot at working things out with him in the future if I play my cards right. I'm also aware that things may very well never work out with us, too. We had minor problems that came down to me taking him for granted and my general laziness in the relationship. We have awesome chemistry and have similar personalities and interests. Before I let him go for good, I've got to know I gave it all I have. Yes, its a shame I didnt do that in the relationship to begin with, and to me, it would be even more of a shame to give up now. Im moving on great, and am ok with the fact that we may never get another chance. I'm not overly emotional at this point and life is good. I've gotten an ex back before with a year of no contact, but every person and circumstance is different. I'm realizing I really don't want to mess this up.
spriggig Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Ive also been told I should spill my guts to him right now and then go no contact. Like, be honest and tell him I think we could be great together and that we can easily work out our issues. But honestly, I feel that would have no effect on him. Hes in the honeymoon stage with the new girl, is probably having a good time with her, and doing that would make me look desperate, I feel. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You're exactly right, it doesn't work. Don't do this.
feelinggood Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Lizs, my situation is somewhat similar to yours. I broke up with him and he got together with another girl. After 2 months they broke up and he regretted breaking up with me. He's kinda coming back to me now but he didn't really show his enthusiasm of getting back together. Anyway I have stayed in contact with him after we broke up. We chat like normal friends. It's sufferring... But I was thinking we might have a second chance in the future so I just continue chatting. Oh, most of the time he initiated the conversation. I have only contacted him for like, 2 times, if I'm not mistaken. And yea, I thought that if I stopped chatting with him totally he'd think I hate him and we will never have any chance at all. Now, since he's kinda coming back and not doing anything, I'm going to have a talk with him tonight. If he's not planning to get back together, I will just disappear until he wants another chance (and he will be the one begging for it). And if he's sincere about getting back again, then we'll have to sort out everything before starting again. And in your situation, I'm not sure which type of guy your ex is. So basically you have to decide on your own. No contact might be the best in your situation, I don't know. It all depends on your situation. But since he's having another girl now, just keep minimum contact with him. They might work out well, or not. Just follow with the flow, I always tell this myself. If he comes back, he comes back. If he's not, I will have my life going on still. Love is just part of life, don't waste all your time and energy on it. Good luck!
Author LizS Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 And in your situation, I'm not sure which type of guy your ex is. So basically you have to decide on your own. No contact might be the best in your situation, I don't know. It all depends on your situation. But since he's having another girl now, just keep minimum contact with him. They might work out well, or not. Just follow with the flow, I always tell this myself. If he comes back, he comes back. If he's not, I will have my life going on still. Love is just part of life, don't waste all your time and energy on it. Good luck! Thank you! Good luck as well, I hope you're both able to have a great conversation. We were in contact all the time when we broke up too, then I decided to go no contact. I do know that my ex had a hard time breaking up with me. He broke up with me, changed his mind immediately and said we could give it a few weeks, then changed his mind again 5 minutes later and was totally adamant that we stay friends. A week and a half after we broke up, he tried to cuddle me and have me stay the night at his place. I didn't, and went home. It was way too soon for that stuff. He also texted me that he missed me and gave me offhanded comments whenever I saw him about how beautiful I am/sexy/whatever. Then 3 weeks later, he began dating the girl. She is very similar to me in hobbies and lifestyle, although she is 6 years older than me. Its like he tried to find as close as a replacement for me as possible. Our mutual friends call her the "cheap Liz" because she seems like a watered down, much less accomplished, less attractive version of me. It's strange and makes me feel threatened, to be honest. The thing is, I don't see them breaking up anytime soon. Unless she breaks it off with him, which also seems unlikely, but I don't know her very well at all, maybe she would break it off. Complete no contact scares me because I feel like every day that goes by, he gets closer to her and forgets about me more. Like this weekend, they're both on a cabin trip with our mutual friends, and I was supposed to be there. They probably had a great time together, and it will further solidify his decision to split up with me. I guess I really do just have to go with the flow. My ex is a very "go with the flow" type guy. I just really don't want to mess this up. Just not sure if I should disappear for a long time and come back and shock the hell out of him with my confidence, or stay in some contact with him now. I do know that eventually, when I feel the timing is right, I will have "the talk" with him and explain that I can't be just friends with him. Just not sure when that should happen. I feel like waiting awhile is definitely best, I'm just not sure how to act until then. At the moment, I know he still has feelings for me and isn't ready to throw me out of his life completely. I just don't know how to play off of that information. I feel like he's just keeping me around as a backup and testing my waters to see if I've changed my ways.... He has a hard time explaining exactly how he feels. He has no problem saying "I miss you", but can't, or has a hard time telling me exactly how he feels about the situation. All I've managed to get out of him was that he wants me around as a friend and to not smother him. Thats all he's been able to explain to me about how he feels about the breakup. But his physical actions range from "stay away from me, I'm uncomfortable" to "I miss you, please don't leave me." It's been a confusing couple months full of mixed messages.... Help. Let me know how your talk goes, feelinggood. I'm sure it's very nerve-wracking, but it has to be done. All the best!
Author LizS Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 Yep, theres now pictures up online on him and the new girl all over each other. Help. What the hell is he thinking? How can he not realize that he made a huge mistake?
Don Ho Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Sorry Liz, but I think you have to move on from this one. You are wrong about no contact; it's your only chance to let him discover if he misses you, he may get closer to her. If he does, there is nothing you can do about it anyway so you have to go NC. You should not give him the "I can't be friends" talk. It shows him you care and makes you appear weak. Don't talk about it or say you can't be friends right now just go NC. Ahhhh. So he likes to keep you on the hook so he feels less guilty and for his own emotional support. Unfortunately, that is about HIM and not about him caring about you. Keep your dignity and don't let him have his cake and eat it too. Yes, you should go no contact, start dating some other guys and maybe in 6 weeks you'll feel better so you don't want to or have to shock the hell out of him. There's lots of fish in the sea..... go catch one!!
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