newtattoo Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 the short version of our relationship: It has gone on 15 yrs (married 12). Spouse came from a previous marriage (long story in itself). We come from different backgrounds, upbringing, religions, etc. We are complete opposites of one another in every aspect of life..... When I look back on how we met, our time together - i realize how different i have become (not thrilled with that) and all that I have missed out on life. I married young; my spouse and I have some years between us (9yrs) - I am the younger of us. I never felt that i had a strong passion or intense emotional connection. I never felt my spouse understood or valued what I was missing. Because of my integrity, i am fearful of making a disasterous decision. I truly have no desire to save the marriage after all this time. In part because of critical events, which we had different viewpoints, that should have destroyed the family (multiple kids involved). The only reason family wasnt destroyed because i felt it wasnt the appropriate time or place. There have people that have come and gone in my life that made me realize all of these missed joys of life. It has always made me sad, made me think what could have been. I am a bit resentful because of that as well eventhough i admit i am the one who made this decision. Now that I threatened to leave due to my unhappiness (revolving around all the negatives i kept inside for 10yrs), the spouse within 2days did a complete 180, which clouds my logic since I dont think that is possible (that this is a short-lived change). Kids have been brought up to sway my decision, as has other topics. I agreed to counseling eventhough i dont believe it will change my mind or how i feel. Basically i have checked out, i have no desire to make this work. Can anyone offer insight to what the heck is on in my head?? My heart is in one place, my mind is in 2 others. I cant see the forest through the trees.....
quankanne Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 go. to. counseling. marriage counseling, ideally; individual counseling as needed. Because you're going to need a different perspective to make a fully-formed decision. it might not necessarily save your relationship, but it's going to give you a whole new perspective on reassessing what you have, and what you want. Because even if y'all do end up divorcing, you will know that you've done everything within your power to help the marriage. That said, you need to go into it with an open mind, and open heart, understanding that the possibilities are endless. meanwhile, I hope that neither you nor she are tangled in an extramarital relationship, because that only adds to the problem.
Author newtattoo Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 we are going to marriage counseling -- that was adivce I received from multiple support people in my life. Those same people echoed your sentiment, which is it may not save the relationship, but will definitely allow me to be sure and confirm what it is i think and feel as far as EMR -- I do not have one. Cant speak for spouse, but they have said no one is in picture. I have people of the opposite sex I talk to about this relationship and the problems over the years and they confirm and agree with my complaints and issues -- is there influence there? there is some.... and that has added a bit to my dilemma. I know, though, that they are not the reason i feel the way I do. I have already come to terms of being alone; have had these complaints for years... etc
hopesndreams Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 we are going to marriage counseling -- that was adivce I received from multiple support people in my life. Those same people echoed your sentiment, which is it may not save the relationship, but will definitely allow me to be sure and confirm what it is i think and feel as far as EMR -- I do not have one. Cant speak for spouse, but they have said no one is in picture. I have people of the opposite sex I talk to about this relationship and the problems over the years and they confirm and agree with my complaints and issues -- is there influence there? there is some.... and that has added a bit to my dilemma. I know, though, that they are not the reason i feel the way I do. I have already come to terms of being alone; have had these complaints for years... etc You have GIGS. You seriously want to throw away 15 years and break up a family for that? Quit talking to other guys about your M. Spend the time and energy, working on YOUR happiness that you can find WITHIN you. Therapy, MC, do whatever it takes to get yourself back on track.
quankanne Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 GIGS? not sure what this is ... however, I do know that 15 years is an incredible amount of time to invest in a relationship that is static. I'm the first to say fight for the marriage, but there are obvious situations in which best thing to do is to dissolve it (in cases of abuse or when there is no life left in it). it's never easy admitting when it's quitting time in a relationship, but how fair or kind is it to either part to be in a marriage that's dead, like OP's? It's obvious he's gone out of his way to do what he can to make sure that this is the route he wants to take, because he's spoken about already being in counselling ... someone who is raring to go "just because" doesn't take those measures, they just act on selfish impulse.
carhill Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 My heart is in one place, my mind is in 2 others. I cant see the forest through the trees..... Sounds pretty normal. MC will help. Clarity is what you seek, whether the M ends or recovers. With either path, a healthy perspective is paramount. Another positive aspect of MC is that you talk about your relationship to a psychologist and to *each other* instead of outside parties, thus preserving the sanctity of the M. For decades women have been bringing me their problems and it was only after MC I saw the health in directing them to speak with their spouse or a counselor about them. Their marriages were/are none of my business, not that I wanted them to be anyway. I just had poor boundaries. Make an appointment with a counselor next week. Check back with us after six months of regular counseling. You should have things pretty clear by then. Best wishes
scatterd Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I would not talk to other people about your marriage they will influence you to do what you should not.OPs do not really care they say they do but this has no effect on their lives.Marriage takes work and you can fall in and out of love through it.What concerns me is you have not experienced her totally out of your life so you do not know how much you will miss her if it does happen you cant just come back.Like they say you don't know what you've got until its gone.Right now you could be feeling something temporary and you have what most people look for all their lives you will end up wanting what you already had.Spice up your marriage take her places bring the romance back in your life she is trying.You could end up with someone else worse then what you think you have.So many people have problems in their marriage then when they work on it they are glad they did.Talk to your wife and the counselor your wife loves you not all the others you talk to.You are going though a faze and I think you will regret not working it out.Think how it would be for her to be in someone else's arms if you don't work this out. Good luck I hope you stay!
spriggig Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) You're a woman, approximately 38 years old. You blame your husband for how you feel, more than you've admitted here--on a deep level you resent that he has made you feel this way, even though on a more intellectual level you know that's not what is happening--in spite of the fact that you've haven't clearly told your husband just how unhappy you've been and for how long. If you've confronted him with this, he claims he had no idea how bad it's been for you. But, you think he should know--he should be able to tell. After all, shouldn't someone who really loves you and cares about you be able to pick up on the clues--the OBVIOUS clues? Why should you have to confront him, when he knows you have a problem with confrontation? Years ago, you tried to tell him in different ways, but he just didn't get it. Then you just gave up and started drifting away. Fewer hugs, fewer kisses, you refused to hold his hand, the sex became routine and either he or you began to deny sex to the other. Little by little you convinced yourself that you two just weren't right for each other--in fact, looking back on the whole thing it was a mistake to ever get married. You should have seen that then or you think you did but ignored it. Please, let me know how close I am. Edited July 31, 2010 by spriggig
Author newtattoo Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 thx for the responses folks. just so yas know: we both admit our faults and issues in all that is going on - positive sign. my problem is I cant get over some events that transpired, and when I think about those events, i start adding up all the negatives -- not a good thing! spriggig: wrong sex... other then that, you pretty much nailed it. We have had our hills and valleys. I dont blame or resent her for me being this way -- but i do blame and resent things that have occurred in the in the past that have brought me to this level. There has been some deep wounds inflicted that can be forgiven, but never forgotten scatterd: I have thought long and hard about the alone aspect of my decision and I can honestly say that there is such an albatross lifted from my shoulders whenever I think about what life would be like without. I have had no emotions as we discussed finalities of our M. I did, however, decide for counseling because I am seeking as much help and information as possible before embarking on this road. I need to be sure. carhill: counselor is on the books for next week. Not sure if I will last as long as you suggest - time will tell I guess hopesndreams/quankanne: GIGS is definitely a part of my clouded perspective, however, i am also definitely exhausting all possibilities because of the ramifications of this decision. While the relationship has been static, we have had our fair share of adventures which has led me to this point. I am not looking at any of this as throwing away 15yrs of marriage - I am looking at this as a way to become myself, to come home.
2.50 a gallon Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 NT Could you flesh in some details, you say a lot, but most of it is vague. Multiple kids - How many, ages? Your wife is 9 years older than you? Does she work? What life goals do you think that you are missing out of?
Woggle Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Wait a minute. This is a man? I was almost sure this was a walkway wife.
spriggig Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Wait a minute. This is a man? I was almost sure this was a walkway wife. Right there with ya! LOL
2sunny Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 we are going to marriage counseling -- that was adivce I received from multiple support people in my life. Those same people echoed your sentiment, which is it may not save the relationship, but will definitely allow me to be sure and confirm what it is i think and feel as far as EMR -- I do not have one. Cant speak for spouse, but they have said no one is in picture. I have people of the opposite sex I talk to about this relationship and the problems over the years and they confirm and agree with my complaints and issues -- is there influence there? there is some.... and that has added a bit to my dilemma. I know, though, that they are not the reason i feel the way I do. I have already come to terms of being alone; have had these complaints for years... etc stop talking to the opposite sex. start talking to your spouse! stop playing the victim role too... YOU have choices in YOUR life and how you wish to live it. start making choices for YOU. YOU are the only one that can determine YOUR happiness.
Author newtattoo Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 yeah, not quite the walk away wife - but pretty close. Its a side that doesnt get shown often. I am all about others, never about me. In any event... we have 2 children: 10 and 2. They are my life and would do anything for them. The age difference is due to circumstances that I cant get into here. But some of those circumstances are what is at the source of our problems. I have been dealt some major stress, which prompted me to finally speak up (i realize it took 5-6yrs to get here); i just felt it wasnt appropriate back then. My wife is 9yrs older and works full-time. to me, i am not missing out on any life goals. What I am missing out on is someone who knows me, understands me, gets me and wants to GENUINELY share in my joys. Family is a big part of my life, as is many other things.I have a unique personality and perspective; I need someone to understand that. The spouse is the complete opposite and just does not seem to know who to work it with me. I have friends that do, so that is where the GIGS comes in from... but i have no doubt in my mind that i cant find someone with similar traits - that I know, would make me happier! Its kinda like building a house. Would you want to build it on sand or a rock? I chose to build my foundation on sand -- and quite frankly, i am tired of maintaining and upkeeping the foundation. I want to build it on rock We have shared in some good times and some really bad times. We work well together and do what needs to be done. I no longer share in the joy, or desire because of our differences in the things that are most important to me. I kinda grew up and out -- spouse didnt grow with...
Author newtattoo Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 so counseling session got completed. This is what i learned so far: 1. I have the GIGS and am a WAW (being the male) - weird i know 2. My attitude and approach to what i am doing to this relationship: i am doing the 180-step thing i keep seeing posted. Again, weird considering i am not trying to salvage anything, i am trying to confirm whether or not i have true happiness in this M. So i am no closer to the end, or the beginning.... i have way too much information and care way too much about all involved in this mess. I am not making it easy on myself, the spouse, or the kids. Starting to think a separation might be good, could also backfire. who knows but i do know i will need to make a decision soon before it kills us all
2.50 a gallon Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 NT My gut reaction is if she is 9 years older than you, that would be a 30 year old woman attracting and marrying a 20 year old man, that she must have something special going for her. With that thought comes the next as to how long will it take for her to find a replacement for you? I have said it before in other posts, you don't realize how strongly those wedding vows have engrained themselves in your soul, And about the most devastating thing a man can experience in life is to see his wife, the mother of his children in the arms of another man. And unfortunately for most of us we have no clue until it happens, and there is nothing you can read that will give you an adequate description. Have you considered how much grass is going to be greener when a large chunk of each pay check will be going to her and Child support, don't forget you will also most likely have to keep up payments for their health insurance and possible her car insurance. You most likely at the best will be able to have visitation rights with you children, they will come over to your place maybe half of the time, but still live in you old home. Wait until after the D she brings in her new M into the home, and he becomes their step father. Now how green is the grass? Something to think about
Author newtattoo Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 She did have something special going, but now that I can look back on things, i can sit here and say we were never a good match. We started with a good foundation: communication. Problem is our communication went sour the minute the physical aspect of life started. And the physical aspect was suspect at best, despite it growing over the years. we are just different those vows are in my blood. That is part in why i am struggling with what is transpiring. Its a failure on my part. I am not allowed to fail! The thought of seeing her in someone elses arms, to be honest, isnt making me feel any different. I, deep down, feel like she too would be happier with someone else. Someone who can appreciate her for who she is and what she offers. Finances are not of a concern for me. Not in any way shape or form. Not that I have loads of it, i just dont need it. I just need family and friends who are genuine w/ care and love (what i feel is lacking in my current M). As far as kids... i look at it this way. I would be a better man/dad to them in the 40%-50% of quality time that i would get then the 100% time and being unhappy. It will make me appreciate them so much more and that would make me happier. However.... i do not like the thought of someone else raising them -- because that is not what I am about.
hopesndreams Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Its a failure on my part. Yes, it is. It truly is. I, deep down, feel like she too would be happier with someone else. Why exactly do you feel that way? Does it lessen the guilt you feel? i do not like the thought of someone else raising them -- because that is not what I am about. You would be happier and your kids would be happier if you only had them 50% of the time. What a load of cobblers!! Your kids will have a stepfather. He will be a BIG influence in their lives. Get used to it.
Author newtattoo Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 hopesndreams: i feel that way not because of the guilt, but because i am not giving her my everything. noone deserves that. there are alot of things i will get used to whether i like it or not... thats the way its been for the last little while anyways.
hopesndreams Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 You sound like a quitter. The easy way out. Enjoy.
Confused_in_canada Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 New Tattoo, Your not alone! I was reading your post and almost word for word I felt like I was reading about my situation. People say, "oh you shouldn't talk to other people, you should talk to your spouse" Truly yes, however, it is always good to vent, otherwise I think you will explode. I have a guy friend that has always been there for me and it's nice to have him to talk about what's going on and when others see the problems in your marriage before you even mention it, you know something isn't right. And talking with your Spouse doesn't always get the desired results. Take mine for example, I've requested her to change/do things over the years that have just never got done. Ever! So finally after so many years of never getting done I threatened Divorce, then she realized how f*cking seriously pissed off I was. Now she's started to change but, I don't think it will last as she isn't a very motivated person and once the novelty of trying to keep me with her wears off I don't think she'll stay on top of it. However, Time will tell and I digress... Everybody always says in a scenario like this that your taking the easy way out, your running away, or Grass is always greener but, in the end you can't change how you feel and once the Heart checks out it's hard for it to come back... I too am headed off to MC next week and am interested to see what the Counselor has to say...
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