Thinking like a couple, not an individual

[shlee]

Another question (going back to the invitation thing in my bickering thread):

 

Yesterday we both received an email from a (girl) friend of his inviting us to an event (that she knew he would be interested in as he's mentioned it a few times) tonight.

 

I saw the email before he did and didn't respond because we hadn't discussed our Friday plans yet.

 

He checked his email when he got home from work, and said to me "Girl invited us to Event tomorrow." I said that yes, I had seen the email. I was busy wrapping up some work myself and wasn't focusing on him, and so didn't follow up by asking if he wanted to go...but then, neither did he. He didn't say anything else about it.

 

This morning I check my email and see that he replied to it "I'll go!"

 

And all I could think was WTF?!

 

I'm seriously considering telling him that he should go without me, because not only am I not especially interested in going (could go either way), but I'm so pissed that he responded "I'll go" instead of asking me if we had plans, did I want to go, and replying "We will go".

 

I've discussed with him before that I would like for him to talk to me before making plans for both of us (he had a terrible habit of accepting for both of us whenever his mother invited us to dinner, which was very frequently). This isn't quite the same issue, but I have discussed something very similar with him before.

 

How do I get him thinking like a couple in EVERY situation? I'm so sick of this. (Been living together for a couple years, have a dog together, talking about engagement rings.)

 

And also, how should I handle this specific instance? Should I go?

Edited July 30, 2010 by shlee

[shlee]

And also, how should I handle this specific instance? Should I go?

 

I just made other plans and replied all on the email (to the girl and to BF) that I made plans already.

 

I'm so angry. Am I being unreasonable about this?

 

When a guy friend invites him to do something I do not expect to be included. But, when we are both invited as a couple to something I expect him to act like we are a couple, talk to me, and respond as a "we", not as an individual.

[Els]

From what I've read, I figure he just assumed that you don't wanna go. He evidently brought it up with you as a 'question' (if someone tells you, "xxx invited us to xxx tomorrow", what does that sound like to you?), and assumed based on your extremely uncommittal response that you weren't interested, that he shouldn't 'pressure' you into going, but that he'd just like to go anyway, thus him accepting on his own behalf. Since you guys have been living together for 2 years, is this necessarily a bad thing? Do you really need to go to every event together? I'd understand if you guys only meet up 3-4 times a week or something and he took your 'together' time without consulting you... but I don't understand why he has to necessarily go with you (and thus consult you, as you seem to be implying) in your case.

 

Edit: Sorry, started typing before your update. I understand more of where you're coming from, but frankly, if this is the way he's always been, 'changing' him will be rather difficult. Guys hate nothing more than when their girl tries to change them, and if I were you I'd save such gruelling procedures for something absolutely integral to the well-being of your relationship, not a minor issue like this. But that's my opinion.

Edited July 30, 2010 by Elswyth

[shlee]

Thanks for the response.

 

WHere I am coming from is that I have always assumed (as well as expected) that eventually, in every long term relationship, the two people in the relationship at some point become a "we", rather than an "I".

 

Of course we are both still individuals, however, that does not change the fact that we are an "us" in many aspects of our lives.

 

I'm not at all concerned if he goes alone (to this or to anything else). It's the fact that he's not thinking of us as a couple (when clearly others are).

 

Also, have you ever lived with someone before? Eventually it becomes even more important, in my experience, to plan these things together, and make an effort to go out together. Sure we see each other every day, but it's the same way as you see your roommates every day, not as a romantic couple.

[carhill]

If he's always been like this, it's his personality. Some people are not 'couple-centric', rather always will think of themselves as separate and autonomous. My marriage taught me it's not gender-specific. It's a natural setpoint. The key, IMO, is compatibility (or not) and acceptance of that dynamic.

 

Can you accept that he may never think of you two as a 'couple' in the same way you do? Can you accept that there are aspects of your relationship which, overall, makes it healthy and viable, if this dynamic never changes?

 

Can you proactively communicate what you *want* in a positive way....?

 

'I feel loved and secure when you think of us as a *couple* and respond to others from that perspective.'

 

At some point, if this frustration is a sign of something deeper, you'll have to ask a difficult question of him, whether he can give you what you need in a relationship in this regard. You'll need to ask him clearly and directly and accept his response as his truth. What you do with that is up to you.

[Curmudgeon]

WHere I am coming from is that I have always assumed (as well as expected) that eventually, in every long term relationship, the two people in the relationship at some point become a "we", rather than an "I".

 

Perhaps that's true but living together is often seen as a "relationship" without commitment and a convenience rather than a long-term, lasting situation.

 

Also, have you ever lived with someone before? Eventually it becomes even more important, in my experience, to plan these things together, and make an effort to go out together. Sure we see each other every day, but it's the same way as you see your roommates every day, not as a romantic couple.

 

Again, you've been living together for several years and the fruit of that is, you share a dog. Perhaps he's commitment-phobic so it suits him well, especially without having to commit for the long-term and formally. Talking about engagement is easy. Reaching that point can be a stretch for some. Apparently he feels free to do things without you which to me shows a lack of respect and consideration.

 

But admittedly, I'm old and old-fashioned.

[shlee]

Thanks for all the responses.

 

Also Elswyth, I didn't make this clear in this post, but this is a specific instance that is a larger "issue" for me.

 

Another example is that when he and I are BOTH invited to an event, but we already have other plans (together) and can't attend, he RSVPs "I cannot attend because I am going to the beach that weekend." In my opinion (and what EVERY OTHER COUPLE DOES) he should respond "We won't be able to attend as we are going to the beach that weekend." It makes me feel as though he wants to appear single when he does this on FB and Evite invitations where everyone gets to see the RSVP and message.

 

When someone asks him about OUR dog he should say "OUR dog, WE crate trained the dog, WE took OUR dog to the dog park yesterday" instead of it always being "MY dog, I crate trained MY dog, I took MY dog to the dog park yesterday." I'm not running the dog, feeding the dog, taking the dog out several times a day, buying toys, treats, food and accessories for the dog, or helping pay the vet bills for HIS dog, I'm spending all that time, money and effort for OUR dog. He and I do almost everything together, and I don't understand why he would say "I took the dog to the park" or "I went to the beach" when in fact "We took the dog to the park" and "We went to the beach" - I was there, why is he cutting that fact out?

 

He has no problem being a "couple" and using that kind of language when it suits his purposes, such as when it involves his family. Then everything is "we" "us" and "our" - our dog, we did this, we are going to do that, our bed, our house, we will attend, we will not attend"...

 

And I suppose I'm starting to think about all these things because we went to look at rings and I'm starting to question his commitment and seriousness.

Edited July 30, 2010 by shlee

[WalkInThePark]

Another example is that when he and I are BOTH invited to an event, but we already have other plans (together) and can't attend, he RSVPs "I cannot attend because I am going to the beach that weekend." In my opinion (and what EVERY OTHER COUPLE DOES) he should respond "We won't be able to attend as we are going to the beach that weekend." It makes me feel as though he wants to appear single when he does this on FB and Evite invitations where everyone gets to see the RSVP and message.

 

Maybe he could answer: "I cannot attend because I am going to the beach with X (your name)."

I don't think you should push the symbiosis in a couple so hard that you only talk in "we" terms. I think it is important to remain an individual in a relationship.

 

I do see why it bothers you and suggest that you talk about it. Not in a blaming way but trying to find out how he perceives the fact of being your partner.

[You Go Girl]

This is a quirk of his personality.

You have two avenues to deal with it--get angry, make other plans purposely as you did, and work yourself up into a frenzy, or...

 

a much easier on the heart and mind approach would be to be ready for his usual style. When he mentioned the email, you could have, and should have said, yes, how should WE reply?

Then you could have had a decent conversation, nipped the issue in the bud, and formulated an email response to the event that included the WE word. He probably wouldn't even have noticed your manuevers. He seems oblivious to your outlook on this.

He simply needs WE training. You can aid him in that process by nipping these situations in the bud instead of getting worked up over them.