Did I do the right thing?

[kellyisme]

My first post; so glad I found you guys!

 

I am a MW having affair with MM. We dated a bit in HS, lost touch for 32yrs and reconnected 6 months ago thru FB. I've always felt a connection with him and I feel we are on the same plane intellectually, mentally, and sexually. We live about 500 miles apart & have managed to steal three weekend visits which only reinforced our feelings for each other.We talk several times a day & text all day long. He claims he is no longer in love with his wife, and has had a sexless marriage for years. He says hee loves me. He wants a divorce but claims selling his house & business will take at least a year. He has 2 adult daughters (20, 25) and says he can not just up and leave them. His wife is financially dependent on him.

 

My marriage of 11 yrs has been soured by financial and in-law problems. I no longer have any romantic feelings towards dh but we do have a 7yo. I have been strategically planning to request divorce, looking forward to living independently with ds. We have tried several runs of counseling to no avail. I don't love him any more & have lost alot of respect for him resulting from financial issues.

 

Relationship with MM has been whirlwind and I've fallen in love with him. Our friendship has deepened as has our romantic feelings. It's so hard for me bcuz of the distance. We spent last weekend together but I am starting to see red flags. He ogled at young women in my presence. He is not very verbal about his feelings, he does say "I love you" but only rarely. He talks alot about himself/his life & I enjoy listening to him but he has tendency to have it be "all about him", kwim? He spends time with his wife and girls, which is fine, but is that normal for a man wanting a divorce? He also told me he had issue with fact that I am on my 3rd marriage (1st - very young, 2nd should have stuck it out but didn't, that was 20 yrs ago).

 

Last night I told him I needed time to think things thru, after he told me he went to dinner with wife & daughters. For some reason it really upset me. This vascillating between trusting & not trusting him may be result of my own issues with trust. I am not sure that this relationship will end with us being together. is he stringing me along for the sex? I received letter this morning that said he loves me and doesn't want things to end but I am worried about self-preservation in that I don't want to get divorced and leave a pseudo-comfortable life style if he isn't going to make same sacrifices for me. Am I being too impatient? Should I overlook the red flags?

 

Thanks to anyone who understands this and replies! I need honest constructive criticism to help me understand.

[BB07]

My first post; so glad I found you guys!

 

I am a MW having affair with MM. We dated a bit in HS, lost touch for 32yrs and reconnected 6 months ago thru FB. I've always felt a connection with him and I feel we are on the same plane intellectually, mentally, and sexually. We live about 500 miles apart & have managed to steal three weekend visits which only reinforced our feelings for each other.We talk several times a day & text all day long. He claims he is no longer in love with his wife, and has had a sexless marriage for years. He says hee loves me. He wants a divorce but claims selling his house & business will take at least a year. He has 2 adult daughters (20, 25) and says he can not just up and leave them. His wife is financially dependent on him.

 

My marriage of 11 yrs has been soured by financial and in-law problems. I no longer have any romantic feelings towards dh but we do have a 7yo. I have been strategically planning to request divorce, looking forward to living independently with ds. We have tried several runs of counseling to no avail. I don't love him any more & have lost alot of respect for him resulting from financial issues.

 

Relationship with MM has been whirlwind and I've fallen in love with him. Our friendship has deepened as has our romantic feelings. It's so hard for me bcuz of the distance. We spent last weekend together but I am starting to see red flags. He ogled at young women in my presence. He is not very verbal about his feelings, he does say "I love you" but only rarely. He talks alot about himself/his life & I enjoy listening to him but he has tendency to have it be "all about him", kwim? He spends time with his wife and girls, which is fine, but is that normal for a man wanting a divorce? He also told me he had issue with fact that I am on my 3rd marriage (1st - very young, 2nd should have stuck it out but didn't, that was 20 yrs ago).

 

Last night I told him I needed time to think things thru, after he told me he went to dinner with wife & daughters. For some reason it really upset me. This vascillating between trusting & not trusting him may be result of my own issues with trust. I am not sure that this relationship will end with us being together. is he stringing me along for the sex? I received letter this morning that said he loves me and doesn't want things to end but I am worried about self-preservation in that I don't want to get divorced and leave a pseudo-comfortable life style if he isn't going to make same sacrifices for me. Am I being too impatient? Should I overlook the red flags?

 

Thanks to anyone who understands this and replies! I need honest constructive criticism to help me understand.

 

NEVER, EVER overlook the flags, they are waving right in your face, pay them heed.

 

It's great that your feet are hitting the ground and you are seeing that the man is maybe not such a wonderful prize after all. He is like everyone else he has issues, flaws and you are already seeing that maybe he isn't so compatible with you after all.

 

If I were you......I would NOT upset your own life for him.......do it for yourself, NOT him.

Edited July 30, 2010 by BB07

[whichwayisup]

Your MM has no intention of leaving his wife and daughters for you. He wants an affair, nothing more, nothing less.

 

but I am worried about self-preservation in that I don't want to get divorced and leave a pseudo-comfortable life style

 

Divorce your husband because you don't love him anymore and can't stand being married to him. REGUARDLESS of what the MM does or doesn't do. You've made this all about the MM, meaning, you will divorce only if MM divorces his wife. So let's say you divorce, he says he will, but doesn't. You want to stay the OW in his life?

 

Have shared custody (why on earth would you take your kid away from him?) because that's what fairs to your child.

 

If you don't love your H anymore, why not tell him the truth NOW, instead of secretly making plans..... I bet he has NO CLUE you're unhappy.

 

How will you feel if your H finds out that you've been having an affair and tells you straight up, get out - I want a divorce? Will you grant him that? Or will you wake up and realize you're chasing a fantasy with some guy you used to like 23+ years ago back in high school. For 6 months you've let yourself fall for a MM whom you do not know at all, only through facebook and have met 3 times (for sex)..

 

Get counseling to help you through this decision. I think when the fog clears, you'll realize what you're throwing away... To give up on your marriage without really trying to reconnect with your husband is crazy. Obviously you loved him enough at some point to get married, have a child, build a life with him..

 

Go read up in this section. See the "lines" your MM has given you and how they match what most MM's tell their OW's.

[cavedweller]

kelly,

 

You can forget about the MM divorcing his wife..(he ain't going to do that)

 

He is only into you for the sex..

[jwi71]

He claims he is no longer in love with his wife, and has had a sexless marriage for years. He says hee loves me. He wants a divorce but claims selling his house & business will take at least a year. He has 2 adult daughters (20, 25) and says he can not just up and leave them. His wife is financially dependent on him.

 

Sigh.

Didn't take him long to toss out some of the MM/MW favorite excuses to leave. Of course, it never really does. Let start debunking.

1) Sell house and business will take at least a year.

--Might be true. Addressing the house, He's making the payment now he can make it divorced until sold. And why does he HAVE to sell the business?

2) Grown daughters. Are you effin' kidding me. Hey, how many 20 yo daughters spend much time with dear old dad? None. They are too busy getting away from their parents. Sheesh. This is BS pure and simple.

3) W is financially dependent. So. Its called alimony. He can STILL support her AFTER the D. She'll be supported.

 

Look. Each of these excuses is just that - an excuse. IF you think about it, HE doesn't want to disrupt HIS life - in essence, he doesn't want to lose his comfy life.

 

And since its a long dead, stay for the adult daughters anyway M , it should be ok for you to pop over and knock on his front door right? The M is dead and done so the W won't care much...right?

 

My marriage of 11 yrs has been soured by financial and in-law problems. I no longer have any romantic feelings towards dh but we do have a 7yo. I have been strategically planning to request divorce, looking forward to living independently with ds. We have tried several runs of counseling to no avail. I don't love him any more & have lost alot of respect for him resulting from financial issues.

No problem. It sounds like you two tried to make the M and it just isn't.

File for divorce. Sure, the qualityu of life takes a SHORT TERM HIT, but you are HAPPIER. Eventually, the quality of life (materially) catches up anyway. Everyone is a winner. Yes, even your daughter. D is not this soul crushing life experience day-time TV makes it out to be. I have a daughter the same age as yours...she's the most popular girl in her class, was accepted into gifted and talented program this year and has adjusted. Yes, did about 1 year of therapy and it really helped. Put her FIRST (don;t use her as a pawn or weapon against your stbxh) and she'll blossom.

We spent last weekend together but I am starting to see red flags

First red flag is he cheats. I know, you don;t want to hear that but its true. Of course, this applies to you as well.

 

. He ogled at young women in my presence.

Well, Im not sure staring at the 20 yo with the mini skirt is a red flag. Unless he does it constantly which would be disrespectful.

Of course, you told him him this right.

 

He is not very verbal about his feelings, he does say "I love you" but only rarely.

I have found that many MM do not do this well. It leads to cheating imo

 

He talks alot about himself/his life & I enjoy listening to him but he has tendency to have it be "all about him", kwim?

I think you are about to get a crash course in "MM are selfish". I touched on it above....this A is ALL about him. Oh I know, you're special. You're not.

He spends time with his wife and girls, which is fine, but is that normal for a man wanting a divorce?

Wait...I thought his M was dead and sexless.

OF course its NOT normal. People who WANT a D get one. People who want an A have one. Which does this guy have?

 

He also told me he had issue with fact that I am on my 3rd marriage (1st - very young, 2nd should have stuck it out but didn't, that was 20 yrs ago)

.

 

Yeah, I'd be a bit nervous about that too tbh. But lets face it, it doesn't stop him from having sex with you. I don't mean that as an attack, I mean to highlight he is positioning his "end the A" excuse. I wonder what would happen if you cut him off?

 

Last night I told him I needed time to think things thru, after he told me he went to dinner with wife & daughters. For some reason it really upset me

Green eyed monster.

 

. This vascillating between trusting & not trusting him may be result of my own issues with trust

Not too mention he is proving that he IS untrustworthy. That applies to you as well - meaning he thinks the same (if she'll cheat on him, she'll cheat on me).

. I am not sure that this relationship will end with us being together.

95% no. Most A's are devastating for all involved.

 

is he stringing me along for the sex?

Probably. But you never know...some, that rare few, do.

His ACTIONS say he isn't.

 

I received letter this morning that said he loves me and doesn't want things to end but I am worried about self-preservation in that I don't want to get divorced and leave a pseudo-comfortable life style if he isn't going to make same sacrifices for me

Wanna know WHY most A's peter out and leave a trail of devastation. Its the above. No TRUST. No REAL ACTION to be together, just talk and false starts. You are already doing it.

 

Look, just end your M regardless and move on. Being a single mom is NO stigma.

 

. Am I being too impatient?

huh? Why don't you file for D and forget about what he is doing. I mean, if you file for D and move out HE WILL GET THE MESSAGE you are serious then. Maybe that's is all he needs. To feel safe enough to take the first step. Hey...that sounds like what you are doing. Welcome to circular logic hell.

 

Should I overlook the red flags?

Never overlook red flags.

[2sure]

Ive been married now three times, my divorce is final in a few weeks.

 

Its not THAT unusual but still...Ive had to recognize that the only common denominator in my relationships is ME.

I think I'm a good partner but I pick bad ones. Or something. I dont really know yet, I will have to take some time ALONE when this is all over to figure that out.

 

With a seven year old, I think you are probably fairly young.

 

You are making bad choices. You dont know why. The only common denominator in these choices has been YOU.

 

Get it?

[lolapalooza]

jwi, this is an excellent post. I agree with everything but this:

Most A's are devastating for all involved.

 

Do you really think the MM is going to be devastated if she ends the A? Most MM are relatively happy in their M. (Or at least not unhappy enough to leave, illustrated by the fact that only 3-5% do leave) The A is just icing. I don't think most MM are that devastated over losing the icing. JMO.

Edited July 30, 2010 by lolapalooza

[Fieldsofgold]

I about choked when I read the part where he can't leave because of his grown daughters!

 

I was a single mom, my daugter and I have always been incredibly close - at 20 years old, me staying for her would not even be a blip on the screen. First of all, when she was 20-25, she was so busy with her own life, it was like, "Hello . . . Mom? Mom Who? Oh, oh yeah, right. Hi, Mom. Listen, I'm really busy. Later!" That's what a 20-25 y/o daughter is doing. (unless they need money. LOL.)

 

All the rest is rubbish, too. The guy has no intentions of leaving. And if he did leave and move in with you, I can guarantee from the red flags he's thrown, you would not want him after you got him. He's just another "Bad Choice" in guys for you. If you married him, it would be divorce #4 in the making.

 

I respectfully submit that IC might help you sort out yourself, your marriage, and your life. I'd encourage you to get yourself sorted out before you make any decisions about your marriage. I know you can't see it, but your marriage may actually have potential. The MM - no potential at all - not a snowball's chance in Hell.

 

Good luck.

[carhill]

File for divorce and establish an equitable co-parenting arrangement. Inform MM of your actions and request no contact until he has a finalized divorce. Establish your own domicile and become accustomed to living alone (with your child). Get IC as appropriate.

 

Since you and MM re-connected after all those years, I'm sure the connection will remain after his divorce. True connections don't die.

 

Get started today. Welcome to LS

[Mimolicious]

Grab the bull by its horns- Why not start evaluating your M? You said you don't love your H and have lost respect for him, then why not set him free? Because you are comfortable? Is this going to hold up as a valid excuse if your A is exposed? Don't be so selfish and have some consideration for your H, his feelings and future.

 

On to the next- Your A and the red flags.... If you see them is because they are waving. The adult daughters- He can't just get up and leave them? I am surprised that they are still home. These are adults not like your 7y/o.

 

Maybe your MM is also not willing to let go of his "pseudo-comfortable life style" for you.

 

Sorry to bring this up but you guys dated at uumm... about 15-17y/o, havent seen each other in 32yrs, puts you in your late 40's (no offense) he has grown children and can soon be a grandpa. You have a 7y/o...

You think he is willing to come into a new relationship, with basically a stranger (32yrs is a long time and he only knew you as a teen) and raise a little one? Red flags go both ways. He maybe sees this and is just not telling you, because if he smacks you with reality there goes his "booty call getaway".

[alexandria35]

Never get seriously involved with a man who places himself above you.

 

This guy is giving you lots of hints that he thinks more highly of himself than he does you. He spends most of the time talking about himself, he leers at other women in your presence, he brings up your history (marriages) in a negative way. He probably already secretly disrespects you for cheating on your husband but he can't say that because he is doing the same thing. This guy ain't leaving his wife but even if he did you wouldn't be getting any great prize. If he's already acting this way with you imagine how insufferable he would become later on.

 

If you really don't have any love for your husband and you don't have any respect (but you respect a cheater?) for him then do him and yourself a big favor and divorice him. Otherwise you or he will just end up having more affairs.

[joey66]

Hi Kelly, and welcome.

 

I do not agree with the implication (or am I just oversensitive?) in some posts in this thread that MMs are selfish pigs who just want to get a little outside the M. Many are, but generalizing isn't helpful. That said, I do agree that it's likely your particular MM will never get a divorce. Sounds like a cake-eater to me. However, only you are in the position to judge. Obviously, none of us know the man.

 

The issue is, what do you want? You need to make decisions that are best for you - not what's best for your M or for your MM or for his W or for their kids. If you aren't happy, then get a D. But that decision, IMHO, should be completely independent from your relationship (or nonrelationship) with the MM. If I'm doing the math correctly (knew him in HS, lost touch for 32 years) then you are a big girl, fully capable of making your own decisions and dealing with the consequences.

 

Good luck.

 

PS. Regarding him looking at other women, it would worry me more if he didn't look. Men - single or married, young or old - are going to look at attractive women. So long as he isn't rubbing your face in it, I don't think it's a problem.

Edited July 30, 2010 by joey66
spelling

[GordonDarkfoot]

Ive been married now three times, my divorce is final in a few weeks.

 

Its not THAT unusual but still...Ive had to recognize that the only common denominator in my relationships is ME.

 

There are lots of people who live with someone or get into serial LTR's without actually getting married....however, if you counted people who've had LTR's w/o formally marrying then I think it's probably quite a few who've had three or more (that is serious LTR's and/or marriages) that haven't worked out.

[blizzard]

welcome! you will get some great advice/experiences from everyone aboard so please heed what they have to say...before long you will see that most of our "stories" are similiar. although i don't think i have really shared my story yet...hm!? gotta do that.

Kelli I will say this...MM that are divorcing DO NOT spend loads of time with their family. The MM that I was seeing did. They went to concerts. They went to parties. They had parties. And it was always her doings, her friends and he was obligated or forced to go against his will. Poor thing right? Better yet, this a good one..."It is going to be the last I see them since we are divorcing so I felt I should go visit with her...or she should visit with me because they may not see her again." She even threw him a freaking birthday party! And he was stupid enough to tell me about it...downplaying it like it was just a "small family friend get together." Her sister (that supposingly knew about the looming divorce and was on his side) baked him a freaking cake! He even took a vacation with her that he "supposingly" canceled b/c they were "divorcing." Yeah, he made it sound as if he had balls and finally stood up to her. Told her he wasn't going with her. Then, last minute he said she talked him into going b/c she had nonrefundable tickets that she had purchased before they had decided divorce. He didn't tell me sooner b/c I would get mad...(or basically not have sex with him is what he was really thinking). I told him that divorcing ppl DO NOT take vacations...unless the kids are under 8 and it's to Disney (maybe). Oh he made a thousand excuses how it wasn't going to be romantic trip...so and so is going too...lots of elaborate lies. He even texted me during the course of the trip to add how miserable he was and that he loved and missed me.

And thank god he rarely tells you he loves you...it's a blessing. Otherwise, your heart gets really involved honey...trust me on this. He chose his wife days after being with me...looking me in the eyes professing to love me and want to spend forever with me and my kids. Kelli run from this man.

Edited July 31, 2010 by blizzard

[blizzard]

btw- MM told me it was essential to take things slow with his divorce in order to remain friends with his wife...otherwise she would financially destroy him. He even slipped once saying "I almost having her believing that she wants the divorce." Wth does that mean?

[carhill]

Well, although our D is going 'slow', it took one step at a time to get there. The first was purchasing an 'alternative' domicile, facilitating separate habitation. This is a 'friendly' financial move which indicates movement towards living separate lives. To me, regardless of what words come out of a WS's mouth, it is actions such as this which define the dynamic in a positive way.

 

I recall taking my 'friend' (the one from my journals and with whom I was supposedly having an affair) and her *boyfriend* by the new digs to show off all my hard work and all the 'stuff' stbx would be getting in the divorce. So, if she and I were 'together', she would have seen the progress towards the end of the marriage.

 

Different examples apply to different people and circumstances but I will say, having seen both ends of the infidelity spectrum, words are cheap. Meaningless, in fact. Watch actions. Actions are good stuff