I dont want him to stay friends with his ex..

[starshiiinebby]

Hello all, I'm new here and my first post is rather long, but I'd be forever thankful if you'd take the time to read and see if you could help me with this matter.

 

My boyfriend (20) and I (18) have been together for five months now and everything has been great; we get along perfectly and can barely stand being apart for more than a day at a time. I can be my complete self around him and the same can be said for him. I am sure I have found the one and cannot picture my future without him. We never fight or argue, and the only problem we have is with him wanting to remain friends with his ex (19).

 

They were together for four years but after spending the last two years fighting with her, which drove him into a deep depression, he left her for me. I love this man with all my heart, but it hurts that he still wants to remain friends with someone that hurt him like she did.

 

The first few months we were together she tried getting him back but now that he's made it clear he isn't going back to her this time and she's leaving back to college in a few days, she's been wanting to spend more time hanging out with him. I'm not completely against him having a friendship with her, but she is his ex so there's a fear of something happening. And she completely hates me and that kind of hurts the chances of me being okay with it. That and she sends him hundreds of texts and just in general is in denial about him breaking up with her. He knows that him having all this contact with her is hurting me, but he wants to keep her around as a friend and I'm not going to be controlling and simply forbid him from doing that. It's my insecurity that keeps me from being okay with this, and every time she does something with her I have to leave and it just feels like I'm being pushed aside or hidden away.

 

And as a side note that goes along with the whole ordeal, I'm not allowed to have my own boyfriend as a friend on facebook. I know it's childish to be upset over this, but his ex gets to so why can't I? He claims its to protect me from being harassed by her and her friends, but it doesn't seem like a good enough answer for me. Especially when after hanging out with her he writes how it makes him miss when they were together. Kind makes me feel worthless and like ****.. Again, it feels like he's keeping me a secret from his friends.

 

So basically my questions are:

- How do I get him to let her go? It seems as though he's hanging on to her for some reason I'm not aware of.

- What sort of guidelines do I need to put in place to keep his ex just an ex? I have a feeling this won't be the last I hear from her and I have no intention of letting her have him.

- Am I over reacting about him not wanting me to be friends with him on any of the social networking sites we may be apart of? Again, not really a big deal, but it just seemed natural for me to add him like I do everyone else I know and for him to say it wasn't a good idea because of his ex.

 

And any other helpful answers to my situation would be much loved.

 

- starshine

[cookie2]

You're not over-reacting at all. He seems to be treating you quite badly. You mention he's not going to take her back this time; did they split up before, for how long and for what reason? Did he get with anyone else, as he has done with you?

 

You should be his number one priority. If he is doing something that hurts you, then he should stop. If she is hassling him all the time about getting back together, he should NOT be talking to her or encouraging it. Seems to me that he is either using you to hurt her, or keeping her as a backup plan.

 

She is hating you, that is definitely not a good thing. Her hate should be directed at him. You can bet she is slagging you off to him every chance she gets, and he shouldn't accept that. Seems he doesn't want you on facebook because he doesn't want you to see what others are saying about you... why is HE accepting others bad-mouthing you?

 

Seems to me that you should dump him. I just don't see any evidence that he likes you very much. You are worth more than that.

Edited July 30, 2010 by cookie2

[starshiiinebby]

They had a brief break during their third year of being together, but no, he didn't go out with anyone else and neither did she. The reason was they started fighting more with her being away at college. The long distant relationship began to take a toll on him, just one of the laundry list of reasons he broke up with her.

 

He's completely done with her relationship wise, I'm the one he wants. He fought for me, literally and figuratively, there's no doubt that he loves me and I love him. I'm not worried about that at all. But you are right, he should stop doing something if it's hurting me.

 

I think it's easier for her to hate me than him. She wants him, she wouldn't hate him. And yeah, I agree about the facebook issue. I'm sure she has plenty to say about me. But I don't see why anyone else would as he doesn't hang out with many people so the friends he's had from high school don't know me and have nothing to say about me. Unless it's in her defense, which it wouldn't be as I've come to hear she wasn't very liked for the way she would act towards him and such.

 

Thank you for your opinion, but I simply can't and won't dump him over this. It's just something that's been bothering me. Plus even if I were to dump him, it would just be what she'd want to happen and I am sure as hell not letting that happen.

[stace79]

You're not over-reacting at all. He seems to be treating you quite badly. You mention he's not going to take her back this time; did they split up before, for how long and for what reason? Did he get with anyone else, as he has done with you?

 

You should be his number one priority. If he is doing something that hurts you, then he should stop. If she is hassling him all the time about getting back together, he should NOT be talking to her or encouraging it. Seems to me that he is either using you to hurt her, or keeping her as a backup plan.

 

She is hating you, that is definitely not a good thing. Her hate should be directed at him. You can bet she is slagging you off to him every chance she gets, and he shouldn't accept that. Seems he doesn't want you on facebook because he doesn't want you to see what others are saying about you... why is HE accepting others bad-mouthing you?

 

Seems to me that you should dump him. I just don't see any evidence that he likes you very much. You are worth more than that.

 

10,000% agree. I have been in EXACTLY your shoes. My bf DID break up with me to go back to his ex, actually about five months after we started dating exclusively.

 

This will not improve. I fought with him off and on for almost three years about his "friendship" with his ex-girlfriend. I finally broke up with him. I said to him "You are free to befriend whomever you choose, but I know that I cannot be happy in this relationship if you are still communicating with your ex in any way. Since you have made it clear that you are not willing to stop being her friend, I have to break up with you."

 

In my situation, my bf realized he loved me and I was way more important than staying friends with her, but it may not work out that way for you.

 

You should not sacrifice your happiness for someone who is hurting you knowingly. When you meet "The One", if such a thing exists, he will have no problem cutting communication with an ex-girlfriend, b/c he will realize that he wants to spend his life with YOU, and that trumps every other girl.

 

I would really strongly encourage you to end this relationship, before you truly fall in love as I did, and REALLY get hurt.

[stace79]

Plus even if I were to dump him, it would just be what she'd want to happen and I am sure as hell not letting that happen.

 

This is certainly no reason to stay with him. I felt that way, too, but it's wrong.

 

I would bet money that you will end up getting dumped for her at some point. He told me he cared about me and that I was who he wanted, too.... until his ex said she couldn't talk to him anymore b/c he was with me, and he panicked at the idea of losing someone he'd been in love with for almost five years.

[starshiiinebby]

I don't think I should break up with him. Honestly, you all are making him sound horrible, which he is not. Breaking up with him would certainly be over reacting as everything else with us is perfectly fine. I'm the type of girlfriend that most guys I know would be happy to be with since I have a firm no drama thing and rarely even hang out with many girls. (Never stopped being a tomboy, girls just kind of annoy me with how they are) He won't go back to her. The long distant relationship is something he just won't deal with again, along with the abuse and years of stress she put him through. When I met him he was barely hanging on this girl screwed with him so bad suicide looked like the better option. But now that we're together he's completely turned around. Even his family was glad to get rid and be done with his ex, and I certainly get along with them a lot more than she did.

 

All the factors in our relationship point to me staying with him for a very long time. He's not going to leave me for her, but he feels obligated to keep a friendship going because of the dog they got together, which is basically his son. (Beautiful pit and boxer mix, sorry, I love bragging about Kaiden) and after reading these replies I think I have over reacted a bit. I know he loves me, and I know he doesn't want to loose me and wants me to stay with him as long as possible. I'm the only happiness he's had in a long time, and I know he wouldn't throw away everything we have together to go back to the crap he's had to go through with his ex.

[stace79]

You are obviously entitled to do what you want. But I have been in your situation. My bf (who stopped all contact with his ex when I insisted on it) admitted to me just this year that the reason he didn't want to end the "friendship" is because he really didn't want to close the door on that relationship. He still loved her, and knew that if he ended the friendship he would never have the possibility of going back.

 

You think you know that he wouldn't leave you. But you don't know that. If you were the be-all, end-all for him, he wouldn't see any need to keep up this "friendship" if it hurt you.

 

Again, I know you will do what you want, but I am speaking with more than a decade more experience and having lived through almost identical circumstances as you.

[starshiiinebby]

I understand completely, but to break up with him now because of this is a very drastic and impulsive move. There's nothing else wrong in our relationship. To leave such a wonderful person for wanting to stay on good terms with his ex seems rather stupid.

[Dexter Morgan]

The first few months we were together she tried getting him back but now that he's made it clear he isn't going back to her this time and she's leaving back to college in a few days, she's been wanting to spend more time hanging out with him.

 

 

 

It's my insecurity that keeps me from being okay with this

 

 

No, its not your insecurities that are keeping you from being ok with it. Its the inappropriate nature of their relationship. They are not JUST friends. You said yourself, she wants him back.

 

He wants to be friends with her, fine, not a problem. But not the kind of friends that hang out together.

 

X's are X's for a reason. No reason to be together.

 

bottom line, she wants him, and whether or not he has made it clear he isn't going back with her, it is inappropriate of him to hang out with her, and very disrespectful to you.

 

You are young, maybe you should be looking for someone that cares about your feelings and doesn't feel the need to hang out with someone he has been intimate with.

[Dexter Morgan]

I understand completely, but to break up with him now because of this is a very drastic and impulsive move. There's nothing else wrong in our relationship. To leave such a wonderful person for wanting to stay on good terms with his ex seems rather stupid.

 

you think?

 

ok then, you are just going to have to put up with him hanging out with a girl that wants him.

[cookie2]

Sorry, we're only going on the information you've given us. We're not making him sound bad... you did!

 

Nobody is suggesting that you leave him for wanting to stay on good terms with his ex. We are suggesting you leave him because he is treating you like **** and refusing to acknowledge your feelings. If you want to stick with him then you need to nip this behaviour in the bud, it will end in disaster down the road. Tell him to respect you and your feelings. If he causes a scene, make a scene back. Don't let him get away with the BS about dog obligations, that's quite ridiculous, if the dog is too much for her and he can't take it then give it to a shelter. You can't just sit by and let him walk all over you, otherwise he will think he can get away with anything.

 

You say you're the perfect girl because you don't have drama. Sorry to burst your bubble but there aren't many guys who like girls that are a pushover. Most prefer a bit of spunk. Those who do like passiveness just use them, get bored and move on.

[Dexter Morgan]

but he feels obligated to keep a friendship going because of the dog they got together

 

please tell me you are joking that you accept this excuse..?

 

 

I know he loves me, and I know he doesn't want to loose me and wants me to stay with him as long as possible.

 

if that were true, then it would be all to easy for him to leave his X where she belongs.....in the past and at a distance.

 

 

I'm the only happiness he's had in a long time, and I know he wouldn't throw away everything we have together to go back to the crap he's had to go through with his ex.

 

then why does he want to hang out with her? And don't say because of the dog again.

[Dexter Morgan]

Nobody is suggesting that you leave him for wanting to stay on good terms with his ex.

 

nothing wrong with being on good terms with an X.

 

its the hanging out part that nobody should have to put up with.

[linwood]

My boyfriend (20) and I (18) have been together for five months now and everything has been great; we get along perfectly and can barely stand being apart for more than a day at a time. I can be my complete self around him and the same can be said for him. I am sure I have found the one and cannot picture my future without him.

 

That`s cute.

Painfully naive but very cute.

 

The rest of your post exemplifies your naivety.

 

It is not acceptable for him to be hanging out with the ex-girlfriend.

 

He stops it or you leave him.

It`s a dealbreaker and he will most probably sleep with her (If he hasn`t already)since she`s willing and there is history.

 

He`s disrespecting you every time he talks to her let alone hangs out with her.

 

It doesn`t have anything to do with you being insecure.

 

Grown ups don`t allow this in their relationships.

 

Give him the choice, her or you. and then follow through.

[starshiiinebby]

Thank you all for your in site on my problem. It has helped me a lot and given me new perspective on the whole situation. I know what I need to do now, so thank you all.

[Mimolicious]

I wouldn't be surprised if Star and Stacy are dating the same douche. Hey, it's a small world after all! I'm just saying...

 

 

Ok back to the subject...

 

Did anyone miss this part?

 

They were together for four years but after spending the last two years fighting with her, which drove him into a deep depression, he left her for me. I love this man with all my heart, but it hurts that he still wants to remain friends with someone that hurt him like she did.

 

So he cheated on his girl of 4yrs, dumped her for you and now you are pet that he may be doing the SAME to you?

 

What starts bad ends bad...

[unsure2010]

When my boyfriend and I started dating he was very close to his ex and they remained very close until we had a massive fight and he put me first.. We did break up because she was too needy and would call him crying he would give her money because she was never any good with her money managment.. This all happened after about 5 months I couldt take it anymore and left.. In my situation it only took a weekend for him to realize what he was doing and came back to me.. Once he really knew how much I didn't like her and when he could see how she would manipulate the situation.. She would throw herself at him any chance she got where I wasn't there.. She even planned birthday celebrations for him and "their" friends and this didn't even show signs to him.. Some ex's are ok they just need to be finished withthe relationship to actually be friends if they still have baggage then they should definatly not be trusted...

[stace79]

I wouldn't be surprised if Star and Stacy are dating the same douche. Hey, it's a small world after all! I'm just saying...

 

That was a little unnecessary, don't you think? In my case, I finally learned a good lesson that I'm trying to share with the OP here. She will continue to put up with this (and secretly seething in anger) until she reaches her breaking point, like I did.

 

I don't know if her bf would choose her over his ex, like mine did. And what someone said about setting boundaries and guys liking a girl with a little spunk is dead on. My bf respected that I set my boundary and stuck to it. He realized I wouldn't just sit back and accept mediocre or bad treatment.

 

But OP will get there eventually -- she will finally realize that no matter how "cool" a gf she is or how "drama free", she's never going to be "okay" with him getting calls and texts from the ex, much less hanging out with her.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

And as a side note that goes along with the whole ordeal, I'm not allowed to have my own boyfriend as a friend on facebook. I know it's childish to be upset over this, but his ex gets to so why can't I? He claims its to protect me from being harassed by her and her friends, but it doesn't seem like a good enough answer for me. Especially when after hanging out with her he writes how it makes him miss when they were together. Kind makes me feel worthless and like ****.. Again, it feels like he's keeping me a secret from his friends.

Umm I'm sorry, but that's not childish at all. And you're right, his answer isn't good enough. Do you really think his ex hasn't already facebook stalked you? Being his friend wouldn't make a difference. It seems like he just doesn't want other people to know you guys are serious (which may be fair, after only 5 months, but extremely dishonest on his part).

[O'Malley]

I understand completely, but to break up with him now because of this is a very drastic and impulsive move. There's nothing else wrong in our relationship. To leave such a wonderful person for wanting to stay on good terms with his ex seems rather stupid.

 

The whole foundation of your relationship is problematic; there's a fundamental lack of trust here. Add to that a whopping dose of hypocrisy on your bf's side (because, as a previous poster stated, there's a very valid reason he does not want you to make your relationship with him public).

 

Especially when after hanging out with her he writes how it makes him miss when they were together.

Frankly, he's using you, in part, for leverage against his ex. He's still focusing on the potential he wanted to have with her; you're focusing on the potential you could have with him if he would stop making his ex the factor of his life. If that's not the anithesis of a healthy relationship, I don't know what is -- hopefully you'll get tired of this enough to walk away.

[Maggotface]

I had this problem with my exboyfriend, refused to get rid of his exwife no matter now much I begged. They texted and called each other all the time, even on our dates. He wanted to stay good friends with her, she would even come over in the middle of the night and I would have to stay in the other room while she was over. She completely hated me and acted like she still was with her and you know what happened? They ended up sleeping together and hiding it from me! It could and probably will happen unless you put your foot down. This whole post is rediculous, you are not over reacting, if you are uncomfortable with what he's doing then there's a problem. If he wants to keep you around and happy he needs to lose her.

[Mimolicious]

That was a little unnecessary, don't you think? In my case, I finally learned a good lesson that I'm trying to share with the OP here. She will continue to put up with this (and secretly seething in anger) until she reaches her breaking point, like I did.

 

I don't know if her bf would choose her over his ex, like mine did. And what someone said about setting boundaries and guys liking a girl with a little spunk is dead on. My bf respected that I set my boundary and stuck to it. He realized I wouldn't just sit back and accept mediocre or bad treatment.

 

But OP will get there eventually -- she will finally realize that no matter how "cool" a gf she is or how "drama free", she's never going to be "okay" with him getting calls and texts from the ex, much less hanging out with her.

 

No I actually find it very inoffensive in comparison to what your BF's have put you and the OP through. so....

 

Back to the subject- again, did anyone miss the part that this guy basically cheated on his ex with the OP? His xGF must have no standards, one or two, she is about to deliver her agenda. I am sorry to say but your BF and his xGF seem to care very litte of your presence in this picture. People are going to do to you what you allow them, if you don't like what is going on and approaching your BF about it is not making a difference... Time to face the music!!!

 

Now a quick question for you: How do you sleep at night, knowing that he is capable of cheating and has someone with a huge comfort level so available?

 

From the whole FB fiasco, I am getting that you are perhaps young in age (no pun intended). Try to see these situations as molding clay. Later on in life you will need to know what you are or not willing to accept from your SO. Otherwise, your R's will all crumble This situation is getting more attention from you than it really deserves, take charge and make a change for once. Your BF and his xGF are not going to do it for you, on the contrary.

[starshiiinebby]

Yes, but too bad he is not anywhere close to what you all are saying. I no longer need help with this. We've talked it out and he's agreed to cut the contact with her. And yes, I will happily be staying with him for a very long time. He's an amazing guy, and though you all say he's not, he's everything I could ask for. We're perfect together. We love each other. And a small problem like this isn't going to break us apart.

[stace79]

Yes, but too bad he is not anywhere close to what you all are saying. I no longer need help with this. We've talked it out and he's agreed to cut the contact with her. And yes, I will happily be staying with him for a very long time. He's an amazing guy, and though you all say he's not, he's everything I could ask for. We're perfect together. We love each other. And a small problem like this isn't going to break us apart.

 

I said exactly what you say now, verbatim. It did tear us apart. HOWEVER, if he has in fact said he will cut contact with her, then you are in a good position, and he may in fact be every bit as wonderful as you say he is. I hope that it works out for you.