Who failed whom? I needed respect, she needed d**k.

[IsItMeOrHer]

"I just want to be f***ed!!!" she opined into the phone two nights ago."

 

We'd been dating only 3 months after knowing each other as fantastic friends for two years.

 

When we finally got together, it was a dream for both of us. Same industry, same colleagues(!), same passions, same nerdy humor, compatible music, compatible hobbies, same life goals, same personal communication styles... never had this many boxes checked with anyone in my life before and I really, really wanted to go the distance. For life.

 

Background: I'm in my mid 30s. She's in her late 20s. I've got my career well in motion, own my house and car. I'm in good financial shape. She however has never had any real responsibilities placed on her. She's life guarded, but never had to take care of a sibling, never been expected to show up to a job or a class or dinner at her parents’ house on time... or even pay her own speeding tickets. She finished college late, has tremendous debt, and is really just beginning her career... she barely keeps her head above water, financially, and frequently relied upon me to supplement our mutual activities while she awaits her first pay checks (delayed 6 weeks!!!) from her first “real” job.

 

But that's not quite the problem. The problem is the "dream" started to lose it's fanciful charm for me something over a month ago (after a couple of years’ friendship and a 2 month dating relationship) ... lots of face time and phone time between us between 9am and 5pm, lots of work-discussions-as-pillow-talk, and lots and lots of overnight co-habitation during the week. It was a bit of a strain. Over-exposure.

And I started having difficulty "performing."

Yes. THAt performing, as man and woman. It’s something that happens easily to me when I don’t feel ‘secure’ with a partner, be that a one night stand or a brand *new* girlfriend.

 

And that’s the crux of this story.

Despite saying “I love you” four times a day to me, for months on end, a woman whom I respected tremendously as a good, intelligent human being, an endearing friend, and whose professional development I’d played no small hand in, whom I thought would some day be my dream girl/wife – because of the zillion things in common – last week began to dramatically increase her unreliability (ie. ‘acting out’ by showing up well after agreed times, taking bizarre safety risks) til I finally exploded… then she dumped me a few nights ago because a) my expectations were “too intense,” too early between us, and b) our weeks of failing intimacy was a “devastating” affront to her femininity. -- No matter that we’d been f*ing like rabbits in the best relationship she’d ever had, just a month before. And mind you, her immediately previous boyfriend had NEVER gotten her off during the two years she stuck it out with him, a selfish, manipulative, volatile *******. She concedes I’ve always treated her well, even when I disagreed with something – until last week when I couldn’t take her oblivious attitude and behaviors any more and found myself screaming at her.

 

I guess we both had ridiculous expectations. And of course, I’m anal. She’s bohemian.

Still, where a man is not a man unless he can do his duty with each willing participant, and my assumption that my lack of passion/acceptance was part of a common “3 months, then detach” relationship pattern of mine … I took almost all of the responsibility for failing her.

 

In the end… I just feel like complete and utter ****.

[Ronni_W]

If there was any "failure", more than likely that it was mutual...just like most other relationships that end.

 

Is it possible that she started to perceive your negative judgments/sense of superiority/criticisms of how she's been doing her life? Those may have been things that you did not think and feel while you were "just friends" but decided was your role or right once you got into a romantic relationship with her.

[xpaperxcutx]

Somewhere along the way, the both of you just lost it.

 

You were right expectations were set high, and things that are placed high always falls fast and hard.

 

Somehow I doubt it was the common traits and hobbies you guys share that really catapulted this ex relationship but more of the fact you chose someone was who never quite caught up with you.

 

You soundd secure enough to want to settle but she's still miss princess I want to be pampered.

 

It was just too much too fast.

[Ilovecake]

Yes I agree you sound extremely critical of her. Not only that but three months is way too soon to be thinking about marriage. It seems like you had her whole life mapped out for her according to your plans not hers. I can see how she felt completely overwhelmed and wanted to distance herself from you. I would run for the hills. You will never be happy in a relationship where you make the other person a project, a fixer upper if you will. You take them as they are or you let them go.

[carhill]

Great life lesson. 'Pick' people whom are more compatible at elemental levels important to you.

 

Neither of you were/are 'wrong', merely wrong for each other in a romantic, interpersonal relationship. That said, holding a mirror up, examining the reflection, and perhaps making fundamental changes in *you*, based on what this relationship taught you, can be a positive move for future relationships. Take some time to reflect upon that. Sounds like you have the other stuff sorted. Good luck

[IsItMeOrHer]

After additional discussion between us last night, I can characterize things this way.

 

We are at different life stages.

She idolizes me.

I idealized her.

 

I wanted something serious, though my initial dreams were no more wild than hers -- she consistently brought up 'marriage' from the earliest points we found ourselves shifting from friends to lovers. It was infatuation, I felt it to. I simply thought I could absorb our differences as part of the compromise of relationship activity.

 

Unfortunately, she has had some SUPER sh*tty relationships, one of which a few years ago nailed a mental coffin shut, the one by which your self-esteem continues to grow, and you feel able to challenge life on it's own terms -- rather than your own, or subverting those terms through acting out, escapism (e.g. partying too hard) or simple lack-of-accountability.

 

In a LONG talk last night, it came out that she'd found a million ways to assume I didn't accept or approve of her, none of which did I express, any of which I would have been willing talk about freely... but the last straw, that which really burned her from the inside out... was her feeling that by not demonstrating attraction, I was confirming her self-image.

 

So... what the ****, folks? I'm not asking what to do, I'm just saying to folks like "Ilovecake" that while I had high expectations for our grand future (no more grand than her dreams), as well as expectations of two adults treating one-another as equals, remaining being accountable for our actions and promises.... she was not ready for this level of accountability.

 

And fundamentally, she didn't feel worthy of being in the relationship, so she built up a laundry list of unexpressed failures between us, using the sex as a (terribly punishing) excuse to vilify me for undermining her self-worth.

 

Need it be said, a healthy person does not attain fulfillment solely based upon others' willingness to f*ck them.

 

It's so interesting now to consider how twisted her immediately-prior relationship was in which her boyfriend was the only one who ever got off, and otherwise kept her his emotional prisoner.

 

And he wasn't the first to do it.

 

And here I came in, as mentor/sugar daddy, and she couldn't stand to live up to adult responsibilities: to love and support someone, confronting *change* and early challenges with any sense of self-confidence, when she just can't love herself.

 

... it's all so %^&* Heart Wrenching.

[lunita]

While you may have set high expectations for her, I also think she had it pretty good with you. Problem is she seems to be used to not being treated the way you treated her so it's almost like she was doomed to sabotage the good that she had with you. Her reactions seemed to be more of an emotional freak out in not knowing how to deal with things. She is clearly not on the same emotional level nor same place in her life as you.

[Ronni_W]

In a LONG talk last night, it came out that she'd found a million ways to assume I didn't accept or approve of her, none of which did I express,

You may not have verbally expressed it, but she did not just dream it up or make assumptions about it, either. Your lack of approval and acceptance of her is CLEARLY evident in your first post. She obviously is intelligent, aware and in-tune enough to have picked up on the hundreds of non-verbal cues and clues that you would have been laying down all over the place.

 

Your attitude towards her was not that of an equal when you were dating (your mind was doing superior/inferior comparisons), and it is not that of an equal now that you've broken up: You're coming across as now seeing yourself as the mature, supportive, loving noble martyr and poor victim...leaving, for her, the role of immature, unloving oppressor and perpetrator.

 

Which, ALL the roles that you did assign to her and are still assigning to her DO lead to low self-esteem and a sense of not being accepted, approved of and loved -- so she actually got all of that right. That is exactly how you were and still are perceiving and treating her (now only in your own mind), and it was all clearly communicated by you...just not through spoken word.

 

I don't suspect that you'll want to get it. But thought I'd give it a shot, anyway.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Yes, you don't get it.

 

She's entitled to be confused by your inability/unwillingness to make love to her. It's natural for anyone to feel hurt by that and feel a sense of rejection. Yet, you label those natural feelings as "unhealthy." You're taking cheap shots at a woman you claim to love.

[spiderowl]

I think if that happened to me, that I was in a relationship with someone who was keen and enthusiastic and then, for no apparent reason, suddenly stopped 'perfoming', I'd be concerned. I'd wonder why (as no doubt you did). I'd be understanding because I'm sure he wouldn't be doing it deliberately, but eventually I'd get frustrated and, if I'm honest, feel upset and maybe even angry that it was winding me up.

 

As to what's going on, who knows? It seems, from what you said, that your insecurity with her came out in this way. That's fair enough. You wanted more and she was obviously not reassuring you that she did. You must have felt you were giving more to this relationship and didn't feel she was as committed. I guess this is a very symbolic way of 'going on strike' until the terms and conditions of the situation are right for you too.

 

I'm sorry but it sounds like a simple case of you wanting more than her at this point. Things may have developed into a stronger relationship - it's hard to tell - but at some level you didn't want to invest any more and literally came to a halt. I can only suggest that in your anger that she isn't being understanding, you think about how you felt beforehand and what led to this. You weren't happy with the way things were! This was a warning sign that your basic needs weren't being met.

 

I'm usually quite negative about relationships that seem to be falling apart. Once people's feelings change, then it is unlikely they'll change back, but I'm not at all sure about this situation. It has forced both of you to take a step backwards. I suspect she'll do that and maybe try other relationships but feel baffled and frustrated that things weren't working with you. She may at some point want a reconciliation, if the problem was sexual and not that you just didn't get on with each other, but she's bound to wonder if this will happen again. If you do end up talking to each other again, I'd suggest counselling. Women are similar to men in that respect - if the sex stops they feel hurt and rejected. Whatever is behind this temporary problem, it is a powerful statement to a woman and one she won't forget unless she understands the feelings that triggered it.

 

I would add that you seem very judgemental about her. I'm sure she'd prefer someone loving and accepting. The problem with someone throwing themselves into a relationship when the other doesn't feel quite so sure is that it can feel suffocating to have someone attempting to involve themselves in your life and affairs when you are not ready for that. If they are also judgemental, it can seem oppressive. I'm sure this would not be what you intended and I'm giving an extreme case here, but it sounds like there was tension in this relationship beforehand with you not being happy with the way she led her life. I think you have a lot to think about whether you can really accept this woman and love her for her 'faullts' too. I don't think she's the only one who had mixed feelings. You may well both love each other, I think, but this is a state where you have to decide whether you accept each other - if it is to continue and she hasn't given up.

Edited August 1, 2010 by spiderowl

[IsItMeOrHer]

Thanks, everyone.

 

I have to admit, I was irritated at first by the responses of Ronnie and SilkySmoothe. Yes, I was disappointed by what I considered to be her lack of maturity. But I didn't enter this relationship to belittle or 'correct' her. Well, I *did* hope to see her graduate and grow out of some of this behavior: this unaccountability... this compartmentalized view of how her actions have no consequences upon those around her (or ought not) and the world may save her and/or forgive her lack of accountability.

(Fundamentally, if your partner has a request, a sensitivity, a major *issue*, then why avoid it and act out? Why not just deal with it head on?)

 

But indeed, I tried to ignore the maturity gap. To simply allow it. Live with it. But. As I wound up being the one who worried about consequences, whereabouts, schedules, accounting... I started to feel parental. Again, I was not looking to diminish the stature of someone I loved, I simply found myself yearning for a magic solution by which I could feel my partner and I were contributing equally to one another's sense of stability. She started to feel like my kid sister.

 

And you can't **** your kid sister.

I can't.

 

Yeah, I just couldn't. We talked about this in as detached/oblique/compassionate a manner as two people might. And I took pains in not wanting to sound judgemental... but it was what it was. A difference of maturity that made me feel unsafe having all of my emotional eggs in the basket of someone who had difficulty remembering where she'd left the basket... and once she found it, I had to worry if she'd accidentally sit on it, time and again, inadvertently. Until she started to do it deliberately.

Because of the sex thing.

 

So, Spiderowl, I think you really nailed it. To everyone, I will say: I *was* loving. I *was* compassionate. I didn't involve myself in judging her passtimes, I merely felt concerned when they demonstrated a mindset that says: anything I do is okay -- it may hurt others, it may hurt myself, but people will forgive me.

 

Try as I might.

Cry as I might.

 

I can't make her change. She is who she is; no matter whether I think she'll have to change, eventually.

 

Nonetheless, she still asserts she loves me unconditionally.

How bizarre. She doesn't love herself enough to have confronted me with the problems between us that scared her... she thinks that men can become monsters, and she simultaneously loved and resented me.

But now, she won't stick with me since her Cinderella dream began to crack.... and especially now she thinks I have a devastating *problem* which will forever disturb the relationship (though, as I said, there was a while that the sex was really, absolutely fantastic) for which she can't see any relationship to her own behavior.

 

She remains unaccountable, and now she would prefer to run.

Let me just say; if I sound judgemental, it's because if I don't, I'm "sympathetic" to her issues with me... if I'm sympathetic, than I can only drop a ton of judgement upon me for "failing" her, on her terms, no?

 

Perhaps they are famous last words, but:

I didn't do anything wrong.

[Ronni_W]

if I'm sympathetic, than I can only drop a ton of judgement upon me for "failing" her, on her terms, no?

No. That is reflecting inaccurate/misguided beliefs about being sympathetic, about judgment and about "failing" ourselves and others.

In any case, you opted to drop a ton of judgment on her...what makes you so much more special that you ought to be spared what you've no problem dumping on others?

I didn't do anything wrong.

Not that you did anything "wrong" -- that you BOTH can stand to learn and use more effective life, relationship, communication and coping skills.

 

But yes, "I didn't do anything wrong" is just words. To be more precise, the words of someone who is not holding himself responsible and accountable for all the consequences and outcomes of his own attitudes, words, actions and non-actions.

 

Most likely you've heard your ex repeat other versions of that same sentiment: "It's not my fault; I didn't know; It's not my job; Nobody told me; That's just the way I am." (And likely you've used one or two of those, as well -- we ALL do, from time to time.)

 

It's that you BOTH proved lacking emotional maturity and basic relationship skills. No harm, no foul -- still lots of time for you to improve (like the rest of us are trying to do.)

[IsItMeOrHer]

It's that you BOTH proved lacking emotional maturity and basic relationship skills. No harm, no foul -- still lots of time for you to improve (like the rest of us are trying to do.)

 

Ronni, let's not over-dramatize here.

I don't have to like everything my partner does.

 

I can accept that I have some work to do vis a vis emotional maturity; everyone does in different areas, and I'll give you this: my own Achilles heel is that I tended to take her self-interested behaviors personally. I assumed that because we had incredible empathy, we also had incredible sympathy. However, she simply refuses to take stock of how some of her choices/behaviors impact the people around her. That's the attitude of a teenager. As a 20-something, she's 10+ years too old to be so oblivious. Maybe you don't see it, or get it... my friends and family with whom I've shared this adventure, do!

 

But if you're going to sling this kind of accusation, be specific. What *skills* do you have or recommend that did not come into play, here? What do you assume was not offered to my darling love, by me, when I felt my emotional well-being threatened? I cared for her personal and professional well-being. I avoided lectures and/or even tense arguments at all costs - up until near the very end. I am very communicative. I am very conscientious, and it sounds ridiculous to say here but I am generous to a fault -- don't make me a poster boy for your own ghosts of a**holes past.

 

The only thing I did to her was fail to make love to her in a manner that would restore her own delicate self-esteem. I simply could not as I was starting to feel betrayed by her lack of self-awareness. Need it be said here at Loveshack again, when a man ties sex and intimacy together -- as healthy, non-sociopathic individual should, a LOT of things can affect his performance. It. Is. Normal. A man who detaches emotion from sex is NOT a guy you should want to date if you're looking for a fulfilling relationship outside of the bedroom.

 

Anyway, rather than working through our issues as a challenge to us, the couple, she ran, claiming I hadn't validated her with my penis.

 

How's that for maturity? What was I supposed to do; or what is it you think remains for me to do, were I to try to get her back? Yes, notwithstanding the awful struggle I've described here, I remain haunted by the fact that she's got more compatibilities with me -- in terms of interests, intellect, hobbies, humor, artistic taste, academic training, communication style, and life *direction* and expectations than any other woman I've ever met in my life.

[Ronni_W]

IIMOH,

It has become clear that I have nothing useful to offer you...which is as I suspected, if you will recall.

I do, however, wish you the best.

[GrayClouds]

 

I can accept that I have some work to do vis a vis emotional maturity; everyone does in different areas, and I'll give you this: my own Achilles heel is that I tended to take her self-interested behaviors personally. I assumed that because we had incredible empathy, we also had incredible sympathy. However, she simply refuses to take stock of how some of her choices/behaviors impact the people around her. That's the attitude of a teenager. As a 20-something, she's 10+ years too old to be so oblivious. Maybe you don't see it, or get it... my friends and family with whom I've shared this adventure, do!

 

What you are not acknowledging is in fact you CHOOSE this person with whom be in a relationships. You choose someone who behaved like a teenager, who did not have the courage to communicate issue she had with the relationship, who you could take care of like a little sister.

 

Yes her behavior says a great deal about the person she is but your choice say just as much about you. A healthy relationship is based on shared values. A unhealthy one is based about shared fears.

 

Unhealthy relationships will reflect our fears expressed by the other in the opposite behavior. When we choose someone who is emotionally distant we are saying we have issues of commitment. When we choose someone who does not behave like an equal we are communication fear of giving up control. When we choose someone who defines intimacy most through physical intensity we ourselves are afraid of emotional intimacy.

 

The great opportunity of a failed relationship is to take a look at where your choose was lead by fear and where is was guided by love. Hold on to the love and start addressing the fear.

 

IsItMeOrHer, and just in your name you miss the duality of your choice. In your own words rather then picking someone who was right for you, you pick someone who, if would only change in the manner you wanted, would be right for you. I choose the person you wanted in your life. Yes she had capabilities you shared and also was immature, selfish, emotionally distant, and an inability to do communicate her needs. As you judge those negative trait of her harshly you are also expressing your anger in yourself for being unconsciously wanting them in your life too. But it is time to forgive both of you.

 

The relationship is over so now it is all about you. So what does the type of person you choose say about you, say about what issues in you the lead to this choice, and way can you address these issue in you that will keep you from repeating the same mistakes?

 

 

.

[IsItMeOrHer]

Unhealthy relationships will reflect our fears expressed by the other in the opposite behavior. When we choose someone who is emotionally distant we are saying we have issues of commitment. When we choose someone who does not behave like an equal we are communication fear of giving up control. When we choose someone who defines intimacy most through physical intensity we ourselves are afraid of emotional intimacy.

.

 

Oh my. That's heavy. And certainly appreciated. If I may, I wish I knew the origin of this - or your pedigree. I need to sit with this a while.

 

The relationship is over so now it is all about you. So what does the type of person you choose say about you, say about what issues in you the lead to this choice, and way can you address these issue in you that will keep you from repeating the same mistakes?

.

 

Actually, it's my intention to dig into this via therapy because I do want to know wherefore my choices seem to have a pattern.

 

But to be clear, the relationship is not over. The romantic end is... for now. Maybe it's just a "stage of grief", but while I can intellectualize the incompatibility, and clearly recall the distress I felt while we were "together" as I wondered consciously at the sources of my anxieties with her...

Emotionally, I have not accepted our circumstances. I find myself in that odd binary struggle of "when I'm in, I can't take it" and "now I'm out, I'm miserable without her and searching for a solution."

 

Anyway, we will still be communicating via collaborative work projects between our organizations. Now that I've trained her (professionally), I've come to rely on her for some things. D*** it.

[GrayClouds]

Oh my. That's heavy. And certainly appreciated. If I may, I wish I knew the origin of this - or your pedigree. I need to sit with this a while.

 

 

 

Actually, it's my intention to dig into this via therapy because I do want to know wherefore my choices seem to have a pattern.

 

But to be clear, the relationship is not over. The romantic end is... for now. Maybe it's just a "stage of grief", but while I can intellectualize the incompatibility, and clearly recall the distress I felt while we were "together" as I wondered consciously at the sources of my anxieties with her...

Emotionally, I have not accepted our circumstances. I find myself in that odd binary struggle of "when I'm in, I can't take it" and "now I'm out, I'm miserable without her and searching for a solution."

 

Anyway, we will still be communicating via collaborative work projects between our organizations. Now that I've trained her (professionally), I've come to rely on her for some things. D*** it.

 

I am pleasant surprised my your response, I had greater suspicion you would unilateral reject the post.

 

Remember relationships do not happen in a vacuum. Your behaviors was a reaction to hers and hers yours. ( a good book that talks about it is called Dance of Intimacy - it it written for women but do not let that keep you from it). While we look back at them we do not like them but sadly those are the behavior we have been practicing for years. Likely they were very helpful at early in our lives or patterned after those early important people in our lives. They become the pattern we are comfortable with, they are the ones we feel safe with. You suggest you never really felt secure in the relationship which is likely a similar feeling with some of you very early relationship.

 

As a result we go out and find people who allows us to continue to live the pattern. By while they may have been helpful at one point in our lives, they soon get in our way. It like learning to be really good with a hammer so then we start to use it to try to fix every problem, often with bad result.

 

Same with our patterns. We all come to a time in our lives when we need to learn to use different tools if we want different results, learn use different behaviors if we expect different outcomes. As we do this work and gain this knowledge, we then start to attract those who are looking to do the same. It allows us to choose someone not because they compliment your old safe pattern but want to grow with you learning healthier patterns.

 

Congratulation you are seeing a pattern and that is a first step. It is something that no everyone are able or willing to, consider yourself on of the lucky ones. That the good news now the bad new is this is where the hard work begins but if your willing it will be worth it.

 

Keep up the good work, and keep the focus on you.

Edited August 5, 2010 by GrayClouds

[IsItMeOrHer]

Dear Gray Clouds,

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

So, as I mentioned, I'm in therapy now... just at the beginning, with the deliberate and expressed intent of digging into the origins of my "discontent" and the patterns it manifests.

 

I'm also reading two books: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, and He's Scared, She's Scared by Carter and Sokol. While the latter is merely appropriate, the former is fantastic so far. Hendrix, IMHO, is really onto something when he focuses on unanswered needs from childhood and the many ways that we run to/from these circumstances. Everyone has heard echoes of these ideas, but Hendrix really does an admirable -- and very accessible -- job of explaining and exploring our truer motivations for our choices and habits.

 

So, where am I? In a funny place, actually. In working late with my girl yesterday, we re-affirmed our continuing chemistry and mutual interest. So, part of my pain is alleviated. For now. She stayed on my couch last night, with the two of us cuddling for a while, til I went upstairs to my own bed.

 

I run a gamut of emotions, none of which do I attempt to dwell on nor scrutinize ad nauseum with the usual friends at this moment. My main issue is trying to get enough sense of myself that I can "handle business on my end" ... and hopefully find a way to draw her into continued development on her end before our next blow-out. I acknowledge this: ultimately, we may well be together for the wrong reasons, and I may be wandering right down the exact same path. Maybe.

 

Maybe not. I really do value her and I remain guarded-but-optimistic that by learning enough about ourselves (can we do it fast enough?) we can get ahead of some of the behavioral cul-de-sacs we were so ready to invoke recently.

 

Bottom line: I enthusiastically acknowledge I need to do work, and I feel committed and sharp enough to take on the challenge. Based on discussion last night, I further believe that she is aware and able to acknowledge some part of her own issues and responsibilities, and it simply remains to be seen how much work she is capable of doing on her own end to meet me half way.

[GrayClouds]

Dear Gray Clouds,

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

So, as I mentioned, I'm in therapy now... just at the beginning, with the deliberate and expressed intent of digging into the origins of my "discontent" and the patterns it manifests.

 

I'm also reading two books: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, and He's Scared, She's Scared by Carter and Sokol. While the latter is merely appropriate, the former is fantastic so far. Hendrix, IMHO, is really onto something when he focuses on unanswered needs from childhood and the many ways that we run to/from these circumstances. Everyone has heard echoes of these ideas, but Hendrix really does an admirable -- and very accessible -- job of explaining and exploring our truer motivations for our choices and habits.

 

So, where am I? In a funny place, actually. In working late with my girl yesterday, we re-affirmed our continuing chemistry and mutual interest. So, part of my pain is alleviated. For now. She stayed on my couch last night, with the two of us cuddling for a while, til I went upstairs to my own bed.

 

I run a gamut of emotions, none of which do I attempt to dwell on nor scrutinize ad nauseum with the usual friends at this moment. My main issue is trying to get enough sense of myself that I can "handle business on my end" ... and hopefully find a way to draw her into continued development on her end before our next blow-out. I acknowledge this: ultimately, we may well be together for the wrong reasons, and I may be wandering right down the exact same path. Maybe.

 

Maybe not. I really do value her and I remain guarded-but-optimistic that by learning enough about ourselves (can we do it fast enough?) we can get ahead of some of the behavioral cul-de-sacs we were so ready to invoke recently.

 

Bottom line: I enthusiastically acknowledge I need to do work, and I feel committed and sharp enough to take on the challenge. Based on discussion last night, I further believe that she is aware and able to acknowledge some part of her own issues and responsibilities, and it simply remains to be seen how much work she is capable of doing on her own end to meet me half way.

Just remember it will be her actions that follow her words that will show how serious she is about doing her work. More importantly do not let her words distract you from your work.

 

Good luck.

[IsItMeOrHer]

Just remember it will be her actions that follow her words that will show how serious she is about doing her work. More importantly do not let her words distract you from your work.

 

Good luck.

 

Oye vey, how prescient you are!!

 

Well, she f*cked up.

How dumb do I feel?

 

Thursday - lovey-dovey romantic reunion. Decided to work together on major project, come Sunday.

Friday - worked together, said she'd call me after work. Didn't.

Saturday - reached her at her 2nd job via phone to verify Sunday business appointment. She balked, acted irritated, relented.

Sunday - called me to renegotiate. Said she had a chore to do, said she would withdraw from evening schedule at 2nd job and come over asap (expectation within ~2hrs). 4.5 hours go by, ... I almost become late for other existing evening appointments... reach her at 2nd job! She never managed to withdraw! "Sort of a last minute thing," she suggested, excusing herself.

 

"Wrong. The whole weekend was choreographed. Nothing was last-minute, you simply chose to do things your way. Now you've f***ed up everything between us."

 

So that's where we are at.

I'm sorry if it seems more juvenile than cathartic. I was in shock however.

 

I feel like an intruder has come into my life. Brilliant, Beautiful, completely undependable, she's now involved soooo much that I do (I gave her everything she has, career-wise), but she somehow reserves the right to be completely unreliable.

 

I'm falling asleep here... I'll quit while I'm ahead.

[GrayClouds]

She wanting to make you her bitch. Time to walk, move on, focus on yourself, you already grown more the last few days then she will in a month. Do not let her get in your way of what you deserve.