charasbb Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 So my last relationship ended 5 and a half months ago because my boyfriend of 2 years was cheating on me. I got over the ex pretty quickly because I think the end of the relationship was a long time coming and started fooling around with someone 2 weeks later. He was supposed to be just a friends with benefit situation, but surprise surprise we both developed feelings for one another and decided to be girlfriend/boyfriend. He's been nothing short of amazing, I can't help but have this looking fear that I'm going to get screwed over again and feel very guarded. My question is, how does one learn to feel safe in a relationship again after being cheated on? It's not like i'm paranoid about him cheating and acting all controlling , I just feel kind of anxious and vulnerable and I don't know how to get over this feeling and I've never felt like this in a relationship before.
jsa100100 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 *warning!! warning!* Trust me, you're in the honeymoon stage. I dated a girl like you who JUST got out of a serious relationship...like a week or two after. We ended up being bf/gf even though that wasn't our intention. We enjoyed every minute of it, but eventually we broke up after 2.5 years because she was never happy that she never got to spend some alone time and be single for a while (after her last relationship) I suggest you re-evaluate the situation, try to separate your feelings for him and your feelings for yourself, and decide whats best.
zengirl Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 So my last relationship ended 5 and a half months ago because my boyfriend of 2 years was cheating on me. I got over the ex pretty quickly because I think the end of the relationship was a long time coming and started fooling around with someone 2 weeks later. He was supposed to be just a friends with benefit situation, but surprise surprise we both developed feelings for one another and decided to be girlfriend/boyfriend. He's been nothing short of amazing, I can't help but have this looking fear that I'm going to get screwed over again and feel very guarded. My question is, how does one learn to feel safe in a relationship again after being cheated on? It's not like i'm paranoid about him cheating and acting all controlling , I just feel kind of anxious and vulnerable and I don't know how to get over this feeling and I've never felt like this in a relationship before. I'm not a big believer in the "You must wait to date again" philosophy (I usually have, but it was more because I had to deal with stuff and that's just how it happened). I get why it makes sense -- because it gives you the time/space to deal with yourself. But it's not like you can't deal with yourself while you're in a relationship----it's just that being in a relationship makes it easier not to deal with yourself, so you're not as forced to. So, you have to do extra work to make sure you deal with yourself and your trust issues, which in this case means (a) figuring out how to address them and making sure you own them constantly, rather than putting them off on your new partner (way easier said than done) and (b) being somewhat honest with your new partner about these feelings. I mean, that doesn't mean you have to talk about every little doubt till it's like he's your therapist, but don't bottle it up. Just my thoughts.
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