LostinTokyo Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 So I came to Tokyo to discover myself and travel a little bit. A friend of mind said he knew of someone who was looking for a roommate and is willing to let me stay with her. "Great!" I thought, this works out perfectly. That was when I met her. A beautiful, funny, intelligent, person that matched me in every way. 2 months of living together, we decided we really like each other. We started dating and almost immediately became very serious. The beginning was amazing. I've never been so happy.. ever. We talked long into the night every night and texted each other constantly. A year went by, we had our ups and down, but over all I was still very happy. Then we started bickering over nothing. "Fine" I thought. Nothing new, couples go through this. Then she drops the bomb on me.. the attraction is gone. She wants a break. I plead and beg (I know...) and it works. We'll take a little time apart, but we'll still be in a relationship. More time goes by, it happens again. I was more rational this time. Told her that the last time we didn't really know what we were doing that we should really give this thing a break. We do. She tells me "I already see the change in you" and wouldn't let the break happen. Everything was ok for a week. Then it happens a 3rd time. "I don't see the point in being in a relationship, the attraction is gone. I don't see a future with you." I was completely confused. Where is this all coming from??? Whatever. We talked about it that night and slept together because she's going to Hawaii to meet her family the next day. I get a text from her before she leaves "I love you, I'll try harder when I get back." I didn't believe it. How can I? When she came back, I put little surprise gifts all around the house with notes attached to them. She loved it. We started spending more time together. Even sleeping together which we haven't done in a while. Then I felt her drifting again. So I told her.. let's sit down, define our relationship, and write it down. "I don't see the point. I think it's best for us to just end things." This is where I am right now. Broken up. confused. Hurt like hell. Worse of all? Completely alone in Tokyo. I spent the last 15 months seeing this person everyday. Not only do I miss her, but I didn't take the time to meet anyone else. I found a small room away from her and have been staying here ever since. If you think a broken heart sucks, trying being broken hearted in another country, with no friends or family, with little money, and not knowing the language. I try to play it cool. Went out with random people I meet and post pictures on facebook to show her that "hey, I'm ok. The man you chose to be with is strong. He can take care of himself." I knew that I was too needy before so I thought this was critical. I also thought that giving her time to miss me is important too. Nothing was wrong.. Yeah we argued, but who doesn't? She says it's hard for her too, but at least "the passion" is gone. I on the other hand still have tons of passion. I wanted to marry this girl. I still do. She's been making excuses to hate me. I started smoking again the night we broke up. "I don't know you AT ALL!!!" I told her I might need to move away, this is too hard. "You're a coward! I'm so ashamed that I ever liked you!!" Why is she making it as hard for me as possible? I'm so confused, but I'm hopeful. I hope that over time she'll miss me and realize that we had more than just arguements. But from those "I don't know you" comments.. I feel insecure. She's very very stubborn. hands down the most stubborn person I know.. I'm afraid she's convinced herself that my moment of complete heartbreak defines me. Should I be hopeful and let time heal? Or should I just really let this one go?
xpaperxcutx Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Oh, you poor guy, of all places, you had to get a heartbreak in Tokyo. I would die to switch places with you just to get to live in Japan. Seriously all sarcasms aside, she played you hard with the push and pull. Either she's attracted to someone else, or she just likes playing around for the attention. If anything, I get rid of anything and everything that will remind me of her. I'd delete her from FB ( it's childish to think that posting you're " okay" is going to make her think you're doing any better) and lose all contact that will make me want to drunk dial her. Go to the osen or travel to Hokkaido or something. Visit shibuya, honestly there are more hot girls around that area than you count. Quit smoking ( it's bad for your lungs) and seriously, find a hobby that will completely overwhelm your thoughts of her. Yes, time heals, it all comes down to how badly you want it. Also, do check out Cali_Guy's No Contact (NC) Guide to getting of the ex. Welcome to L_S, we'll make you feel better.
DenverBachelor Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Or should I just really let this one go? Yes, let it go. It sounds like you had a good time for much of your relationship with her. Unfortunately, she's most likely not the one for you (as great as she may have seemed). There are other women out there who are mature and understand the stages of love because they've been through them. Move on with your life and close this chapter. Years from now, you'll look back and appreciate the experiences for what they were. However, every chapter has an end and you've reached this one. Good luck.
smk Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Move on with your life and close this chapter. Years from now, you'll look back and appreciate the experiences for what they were. However, every chapter has an end and you've reached this one. Good luck. Lostintokyo - i couldnt agree more with DB - close the chapter, turn the page and move on - as hard as it maybe especially seeing as you are in a strange land... Go find your scarlet johansson, drink some santori whiskey and make the most of it... It wont be easy but we all have the power within us.... and if all else fails go to the red light district - i hear they have some pretty strange things to distract your mind... I think sometimes as much as we want something to work it just isnt meant to be, i had and sometimes still have a nightmare accepting this, but you know what in life we win some we lose some, the most important thing is to learn a lesson.. Try learning some japanese, do karaoke, go running, see the sites, make the most of it... you not being with her could be a blessing in disguise... Good luck buddy and we are all here for you because we have all been through the heartbreak and some of us have moved on other are still going through it...
SilkRose Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 (edited) Learn Japanese, that is your priority. By not learning it, going out and meeting people, visiting the sights and exploring the city you are depriving yourself of the cultural and social expereince that being in Tokyo and Japan full stop provides you, it is an expensive places for most people to travel to let alone live in and you are there, right now. Yes you're hurting, but do yourself a favour and embrace the place and the experience. You could end up learning a language that can give you so many career opportunities in the future and it will allow you to meet so many more people and enjoy where you are. Everyone else on this thread has provided you with plenty of great advice about how to cope and move forward emotionally but please learn Japanese, distract and enrich yourself at the same time. Oh and like xpaperxcutx said, quit smoking, lung cancer, no heartbreaker is worth that. Take up jogging, something but not smoking. All the best OP! Edited July 30, 2010 by SilkRose
bonpaw2008 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Tokyo - I agree with all my friends. This is not the girl for you. You guys tried and it didn't work out. She is done with you, but the getting mad at you **** is just her way of trying to keep you on the line. Cut ties, NC, move if you can. Best of luck you will be much better off without her.
Author LostinTokyo Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Thanks, guys. I've been trying to go out, even talking to women that speak English. Sure it's distracting, but when my energy wears off and the high of the night dies down, all that's left is this empty feeling that something's missing. Surprisingly, though, I'm not devastated like the first few days. That's a good sign, huh? I've thought through this a lot. Is it just the suddenness of the break up, or do I really see great qualities in this woman that's making me hold on? Maybe both, but I gotta learn towards the qualities. I've met and dated, (or was even just friends) with many people, but I tend to.. um.. get bored? Harsh, but it's true. Many people are just uninteresting, that's why I came to Tokyo in the first place. I didn't want to get caught in the mundane (you know.. "what do you wanna do? Let's go clubbing"). She came like a tornado. Everyday was exciting. Every conversation was in-dept. She turned an ordinary walk through the park into an adventure. She was full of life. Funny.. genuinely funny. I've rarely met a girl that can genuinely make me laugh. And everyday for a year?? I can't even imagine. It's very easy to look at every break-up and say.. they broke your heart, screw them. There are better girls out there. But to the person in it... it's a little more complicated. This is the first person I've told I "love." I'm 26. You can imagine how seriously I take that word. I really saw, and still see something amazing in this person. She's just trapped in her own stubborn, stubborn head. Making and believing lies she tells herself. The break up I understand. The attraction's gone. It's that simple. The "Who are you??!! I hate myself for falling for you!!!" part is beyond me. What the hell did I do...? On a positive note, I am moving on. Moving on, though, could either be part of the getting her back, or just simply moving on. It's on the same road. The only difference is.. in 1 month when I'm better (hopefully). Should I call her up, ask her out for coffee.. and try to start over as two new people meeting and being friends? Or go back, get the rest of my stuff and say goodbye to the woman I always imagined myself marrying? sighhh... PS I've been learning Japanese to meet her family. It's not necessary, but I thought it'd make me look smart. So studying it reminds me of how dedicated I was to her... I'll have to get over this. I spent too much time studying PPS. Thanks again, guys! I've been annoying everyone that'll listen with this and I'm driving my friends away by the dozen. Gotta stop that right now. Posting here, at least, people can chose to ignore me instead of me cornering them and whining like a teenage school girl. Sighh..
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