spellcatcher Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Hey guys, I've been reading alot of your posts and comments and the recurring theme is your ex breaking NC with something like "I miss you" or "how have you been" or anything else of the sort. Your reaction is usually hope... and then bitter disappointment that she doesn't pursue the reconciliation path and then some comment or other on her need to keep a connection or stroke her own ego. As a girl who is almost always the one to BREAK... and break the NC ... I feel the need to explain a bit what happens on our side... Even though im sure sometimes the reason is what you think it is... There are others: - Sometimes we really do just miss the guy, and as NC goes longer, you forget the bad things and remember the good, so you miss it. But sometimes the urge is there... only once you get a response you feel lost... you get the same jolt and shock because you didn't expect one, or a positive one anyway. - Sometimes you want to prove to your ex that you have changed. you have "fixed" the things that were an issue... you realized it and worked on yourself and the ex is naturally the first person you wanna share it with. - Sometimes, and this is an odd thing that I get... and not sure if other women do as well... but sometimes another guy asks you out... or is interested in you... and (whether you like him or not) you get this urge to return to what is familiar - the last guy you were with. Or you just wish he was the ex. It's a hard thing to explain. Those are some of the reasons... and bear in mind alot of women are much more practical in partner selection than men are. When an emotion is usually the driving force for a man... sometimes a woman's mental dialogue goes something like this: "I love him, I really care about him... I miss him... but I know things about him now that I know will not be right in a husband/father of my children" That's probably the worst spot to be in - at war with yourself. So there it is... I hope that explains it a bit... because it's not always done with bad or selfish intentions.
usagi Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 (edited) Hey guys, I've been reading alot of your posts and comments and the recurring theme is your ex breaking NC with something like "I miss you" or "how have you been" or anything else of the sort. Your reaction is usually hope... and then bitter disappointment that she doesn't pursue the reconciliation path and then some comment or other on her need to keep a connection or stroke her own ego. As a girl who is almost always the one to BREAK... and break the NC ... I feel the need to explain a bit what happens on our side... Even though im sure sometimes the reason is what you think it is... There are others: - Sometimes we really do just miss the guy, and as NC goes longer, you forget the bad things and remember the good, so you miss it. But sometimes the urge is there... only once you get a response you feel lost... you get the same jolt and shock because you didn't expect one, or a positive one anyway. - Sometimes you want to prove to your ex that you have changed. you have "fixed" the things that were an issue... you realized it and worked on yourself and the ex is naturally the first person you wanna share it with. - Sometimes, and this is an odd thing that I get... and not sure if other women do as well... but sometimes another guy asks you out... or is interested in you... and (whether you like him or not) you get this urge to return to what is familiar - the last guy you were with. Or you just wish he was the ex. It's a hard thing to explain. Those are some of the reasons... and bear in mind alot of women are much more practical in partner selection than men are. When an emotion is usually the driving force for a man... sometimes a woman's mental dialogue goes something like this: "I love him, I really care about him... I miss him... but I know things about him now that I know will not be right in a husband/father of my children" That's probably the worst spot to be in - at war with yourself. So there it is... I hope that explains it a bit... because it's not always done with bad or selfish intentions. It may not be done with selfish intentions but in my opinion the action itself is selfish. If your ex; who you broke up with and you no longer want to be with, has clearly tried to avoid contact then it is inconsiderate to try and contact him regardless of your intentions. Your responsibility as the person who ended the relationship is to make it as easy for them as possible if you still care for them. Allow that ex the space to heal and learn to live with the fact that sometimes whether you care for them or not, you no longer have the access privileges to his life that you once held as a gf. Edited July 30, 2010 by usagi
Author spellcatcher Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Well... the thing here is it's never this clear cut and so black and white. When you break up with someone (or they with you) it's not always a matter of not wanting them in your life or not wanting to be with them. The reason I say this is because many couples get back together... and most, if not all, want to shortly after the fact. The reason for the break up, most of the time I think, is the person you like and want to be with acting in a way that doesn't work. It could be a trait... a betrayal, a pattern of behavior, a bad habit. Sometimes the break up is a way of saying... "if you still don't get the message... I can't deal with this any more and you will lose me". You don't necessarily want to cut them out of your life or don't like them as an individual... you may just no longer be able to tolerate things as they are and feel like you have no choice... or no other way to make them listen and take you seriously. My observation...
linwood Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Well... the thing here is it's never this clear cut and so black and white. Actually yes it is that clear cut. That`s why we call it a "break"-up. A clean break is alway..ALWAYS far less painful than the pain inflicting fickleness you`re speaking about.
Author spellcatcher Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Hmm... fickleness... =\ Actually... I have been the one to cut contact only once... and it was with a guy I am still friend with to this day. We got back in touch 2 or 3 months later. Other than that... I was never one to break up or be fickle with a guy because I always stick it out and try to work it out... so what I speak of is far from fickleness... its actually a pretty steady emotion. I actually do not have the gift of cutting a person out of my life if I once cared for them... I always do (regardless of how they feel)
Author spellcatcher Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Actually... I think part of the reason for this post was my general reaction to the whole concept of NC... I disagree with it alltogether... I think it's callous and I find nothing more painful than silence. I believe in honesty and open communication and I'm incapable of NC myself regardless the circumstances.
usagi Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) Actually... I think part of the reason for this post was my general reaction to the whole concept of NC... I disagree with it alltogether... I think it's callous and I find nothing more painful than silence. I believe in honesty and open communication and I'm incapable of NC myself regardless the circumstances. I also believe in honest and open communication within a relationship. Isn't this a little contradictory with your previous statement... When you break up with someone (or they with you) it's not always a matter of not wanting them in your life or not wanting to be with them. The reason I say this is because many couples get back together... and most, if not all, want to shortly after the fact. The reason for the break up, most of the time I think, is the person you like and want to be with acting in a way that doesn't work. It could be a trait... a betrayal, a pattern of behavior, a bad habit. Sometimes the break up is a way of saying... :mad::mad:"if you still don't get the message... I can't deal with this any more and you will lose me".:mad: You don't necessarily want to cut them out of your life or don't like them as an individual... you may just no longer be able to tolerate things as they are and feel like you have no choice... or no other way to make them listen and take you seriously. ...but then I personally don't believe breaking up should be used as a form of communication unless the message you're trying to communicate is: I don't want to be within a relationship with you anymore. (sorry for the emoticons; I didn't know how to 'bold' this part of your text) Edited July 31, 2010 by usagi
0hpenelope Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) Spell, I'll start off my response to you with by saying thank you for expressing your opinion. I'm pro-NC and I do believe that your kind of ex - the ones who do the breaking up and initiate contact eventually - aren't all heartless and callous. You do what's good for yourself and if what you want isn't something that your partner wants, then you're doing them a long-term favor by walking away. I will now argue for why we are pro-NC. Because the kind of ex you classify yourself as is not the kind of ex that the majority of users here are 'blessed' with. Well... the thing here is it's never this clear cut and so black and white. When you break up with someone (or they with you) it's not always a matter of not wanting them in your life or not wanting to be with them. The reason I say this is because many couples get back together... and most, if not all, want to shortly after the fact. The reason for the break up, most of the time I think, is the person you like and want to be with acting in a way that doesn't work. It could be a trait... a betrayal, a pattern of behavior, a bad habit. Sometimes the break up is a way of saying... "if you still don't get the message... I can't deal with this any more and you will lose me". You don't necessarily want to cut them out of your life or don't like them as an individual... you may just no longer be able to tolerate things as they are and feel like you have no choice... or no other way to make them listen and take you seriously. My observation... If you're the one who broke up with your ex, you are the last person they want to hear from for a while. I trust that there are people on this board that are aware enough through their pain that their exes aren't selfish with his/her intentions by breaking NC. But if they're in that limbo of wanting/not wanting to hear from their ex that broke up with them, having that ex get in touch makes moving on harder. People (this isn't reserved for just the fairer gender) who break NC and who did the breaking up, when they're specifically told "I do not want to hear from you," are selfish. No, the one who was left behind doesn't want to hear from you. No, the one who was left behind doesn't want to know that you've fixed whatever your issues are. No, the one who was left behind doesn't want to know how you're doing and no, they definitely do not want to know that you're dating someone else, was reminded of something that made you miss them, and just wanted to call to say hi. That's callous. We got back in touch 2 or 3 months later. So you gave it time. You, the ex who ended the relationship, did something considerate, which is something that not everyone on this forum has. I actually do not have the gift of cutting a person out of my life if I once cared for them... I always do (regardless of how they feel) Why is that a gift? It's not a talent or an ability. I'm going to remind you that the people you're preaching to don't want to cut people that they cared about out of their lives. But most of them here, they need to cut contact: for a while, forever, whatever they need. Most of them have tried staying friends or in casual contact, yet don't understand why they're still hurting. Actually... I think part of the reason for this post was my general reaction to the whole concept of NC... I disagree with it alltogether... I think it's callous and I find nothing more painful than silence. I believe in honesty and open communication and I'm incapable of NC myself regardless the circumstances. Honesty and open communication works when both parties are in agreement with what they want for each other. If the person who did the break up is the one who wants it, but the person he/she left behind doesn't want it, it's moot. Breaking up with them doesn't mean you want to cut them out of your life. I agree with that, it's reasonable. What I can't agree with is discounting the other's pain for the sake of 'honesty and open communication' for the benefit of the one who walks from the relationship. People who do the breaking up seek peace of mind and want to find a better match, but they don't want to extend the need for healing to the person they leave behind? For 'honesty and open communication?' Even though the person doesn't want to hear from them? That's nuts! And that's disrespectful! The ones who were left behind want to heal - and having the one who inflicted that pain following them around isn't something that most people can handle. Which is why most on this board are pro-NC. Edited July 31, 2010 by 0hpenelope
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