I'm so pissed. Older guy at work won't leave me alone

[Phateless]

Wow, this thread has turned really ugly. I don't appreciate being personally attacked and downright insulted by a few users. (see the post by Bobsacramento on the previous page). I agree that I could have communicated better, but many of the responses cross the line in making this point. I'm not very experienced with this kind of thing, so I didn't know. OK? I also think, still, in light of my bad communication, his repeated pestering crossed the line. I did tell him very clearly "no" when he asked me about dancing and drinking and he kept bothering me. In the past when I've politely rejected a guy without a flat out "no" he's always stopped bothering me, so I had no reason to believe he'd be any different. I think most people get the hint, but apparently some don't. I'd like to add that my body language was also very I'm not interested. I practically ran away from him every time he cornered me and didn't make eye contact once when he was talking to me or at any other point. Next time with a guy I'll give him a flat "no" from the start.

 

Totally agree with you, I hate that about this place.

 

Shadowplay, I think you'd be surprised at how bad many men are at reading body language. Up until I was about 26 I had NO idea about body language at all. Completely dense.

[donnamaybe]

I did tell him very clearly "no" when he asked me about dancing and drinking and he kept bothering me.

Okay, and I'm not trying to nitpick, but what you answered "no" to was "do you like dancing or drinking?" not "will you go dancing or drinking with me?"

 

There's no need to be leery of the guy. Just tell him you'd rather keep things on a professional level only with him, and be nice about it. You have the right to not be interested.

[Ariadne]

porque?

 

But I doubt he's naive.

 

Well, let's leave it at "no me moleste" (as in usted) if he insists after she declines.

 

But I'm sure if she says that he won't bother her again.

[DenverBachelor]

I don't think a 40 year old hitting on a 25 year old woman is "creepy" just from the age difference. Let's just go with the tried and proven formula -- the Seinfeld formula.

 

(Guy's age / 2) + 7 years.

 

Guy is 20 -- should be dating a 17 year old.

 

Guy is 30 -- should be dating a 22 year old.

 

Guy is 40 -- should be dating a 27 year old.

 

Yep, looks good to me.

[Trimmer]

I think most people get the hint, but apparently some don't. I'd like to add that my body language was also very I'm not interested. I practically ran away from him every time he cornered me and didn't make eye contact once when he was talking to me or at any other point.

As you can see, coming after a couple of playful "yes" and "I'll think about it" answers, this can create confusion, at best.

 

Next time with a guy I'll give him a flat "no" from the start.

I think this is very sensible, and will be in your own best interest. Best of luck.

[PJKino]

This is why i dont even approach women,if u arent attratcive[which im not] women dont want you beign in the same airspace as them..God forbid u hit on them and find thme attratcive instead of being flattered and rejecting you politely they get annoyed that you even think you have a shot at them and take it as a slight on their looks..

 

Not saying this guy wasnt a creep as well but u come off as quite narcisistic saying you cant beleive this guy had a chance and complaining that guys actually find somebdy else attractive aside from you...

 

Get over yourself..

[shadowplay]

I don't think a 40 year old hitting on a 25 year old woman is "creepy" just from the age difference. Let's just go with the tried and proven formula -- the Seinfeld formula.

 

(Guy's age / 2) + 7 years.

 

Guy is 20 -- should be dating a 17 year old.

 

Guy is 30 -- should be dating a 22 year old.

 

Guy is 40 -- should be dating a 27 year old.

 

Yep, looks good to me.

 

As I recall it, the "rule" defines the lower limit of what I guy can acceptably date without being considered creepy. It's not the average age he should be going after. Big age differences may be more common in other cultures, but in American culture most people date around their age. As people grow older, the age gap widens some. Like it's common to see a a ten year age difference for people over the age of 50.

[Ariadne]

It's not the average age he should be going after. Big age differences may be more common in other cultures, but in American culture..

 

And I'd bet that this guy is married. I can't imagine a middle aged Mexican cook not married.

[donnamaybe]

And I'd bet that this guy is married. I can't imagine a middle aged Mexican cook not married.

 

This must be new math: Hispanic(40) + Cook = Marriage

[Ariadne]

This must be new math: Hispanic(40) + Cook = Marriage

 

Yes, hard working older Latin guys like that by the norm they always have families. Didn't notice that?

[shadowplay]

Have to disagree with that. I work with the over 50 crowd, and I can't think of one client who has a 10+ year age difference with their significant other.

 

I can think of a bunch of couples I know through family over 50 with a 10 year gap.

 

If anything, the age gap is probably more common in today's 30 and 40 somethings

 

Why would that be? Doesn't make sense to me.

[shadowplay]

And I'd bet that this guy is married. I can't imagine a middle aged Mexican cook not married.

 

A customer came in yesterday who clearly was a regular and asked him, "como esta la familia." I was right nearby, and he looked very uncomfortable. She didn't mention a wife, though, so who knows.

Edited July 30, 2010 by shadowplay

[Ariadne]

A customer came in yesterday who clearly was a regular and asked him, "como esta la familia." I was right nearby, and he looked very uncomfortable. She didn't mention a wife, though, so who knows.

 

Of course.

 

I've worked in restaurants too and it's common that they have two wives even, a family in Mexico (with children etc), and a partner here.

 

But they are almost never alone.

[Kamille]

 

 

Why would that be? Doesn't make sense to me.

 

Because you're interpreting the age gap preference as a biological rule when, really, it's a social tendency. Social tendencies are always context specific . Change the context, change the rule. Men and women aren't biologically designed to prefer a certain age gap. That preference is generally linked to social organization. A lot has changed in the last 20 years alone. For example, the internet celebrates it's 20th birthday next year, as does the emergence of the knowlege economy.

 

Which brings me to respond to this thread.

 

As you know, I deeply admire you, your perceptiveness, your intelligence and your sensibility. I know being liked is important to you, so I'm not surprised it proves difficult for you to set boundaries with people. Wanting to be liked might lead you to passive.

 

I'm not surprised to find out that you have internalized some for of "dating-acceptability-scale". That scale, as you're finding out, is incredibly subjective. Just because you think older men who do not share the same cultural, educational, generational backgroung as you shouldn't even consider hitting on you, it doesn't mean that other people have to agree, including older men who are from a different class and cultural background as you.

 

You revealed in your last thread that one of your biggest fears is to be deemed unattractive. Feeling unattractive or, even "only" moderately attractive, can lead you to feel like life isn't worth living. I can't help but link this to BDD. You have incredibly high standards when it comes to beauty. I base this on the links that you post to famous people whenever a conversation on the subject of beauty and hotness comes up. Beauty is incredibly important to you. In this thread, you showed that you link beauty to social status. Do you have any idea why you would do that?

[shadowplay]

In this thread, you showed that you link beauty to social status. Do you have any idea why you would do that?

 

I don't think I did that, and if I did it wasn't intentional. If I made any link it was between age and attractiveness.

[Stockalone]

I have to say the whole thing also made me feel ****ty. Why is it that guys my age don't flirt with me but middle-aged, unattractive men do? Am I really that bad? I'm actually insulted that he would think he even has a chance with me. I don't get it.

 

Do you feel that way because of your current lack of interest from men you'd like to be approached by (meaning you wouldn't feel insulted by this if you had other, better options) or do you always feel that way about men you don't consider attractive.

 

 

Next time with a guy I'll give him a flat "no" from the start.

 

Being clear and direct is always a good idea if you want to avoid misunderstandings.

 

As was already mentioned, many men are bad at reading body language or picking up on (subtle) hints that you think are easy to understand.

 

Personally, I don't even try to decode it anymore. The women I met were rather inconsistent about those things anyway. So I simply asked out the women I was interested in. Agonizing over what she might or might not be signaling was rather pointless IMO.

[shadowplay]

you wouldn't feel insulted by this if you had other, better options

 

exactly.

 

 

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[melodymatters]

I usually simply stay off threads that I find offensive, and have on this one for three days....but.....

 

The original post is classist, ageist and racist. If Javier Bardem asked her out this would be a brag post.

 

Most telling of all, is being " insulted" instead of flattered. I have been hit on by many types, ages, etc, and NEVER have I felt insulted that a man found me attractive and or interesting enough to want to spend more time with me ! Never !!!!!!

[AD1980]

Could u imagine a Man making a thread and making comments this vain and shallow?

 

Hed be roasted,its a women so shes comforted and told she deserves really attractive Men

[shadowplay]

I usually simply stay off threads that I find offensive, and have on this one for three days....but.....

 

The original post is classist, ageist and racist. If Javier Bardem asked her out this would be a brag post.

 

Most telling of all, is being " insulted" instead of flattered. I have been hit on by many types, ages, etc, and NEVER have I felt insulted that a man found me attractive and or interesting enough to want to spend more time with me ! Never !!!!!!

 

This thread is only one day old...

 

No, I'd probably be insulted if Javier Bardem asked me out since he's Spanish and I'm racist, right?

 

I think my being insulted says more about my low self esteem and negative cognitions than anything. This is something I'm working on, but I often internalize stuff that I shouldn't. Historically, I could twist almost any scenario into more evidence that I'm not worthy.

[Feelin Frisky]

He's not old if he's 40, you're just too young to have a perspective as to what 40 means. The problem doesn't seem to be ages differences, it's just that you don't dig him, haven't made that clear enough and he is from another culture where men don't give a shi+ how old you are or it's typical for men to nudge, nudge wink wink about rules against sexual harrassment--they think "if there's grass on the pitch let's play". I personally feel it is typically American to start passing all this excess repression-based revulsion and characterization of creepiness etc. instead of developing some ways to take it a flattery but give the guy unmistakeable signals that it ain't happenin'.

 

It's time to just raise your voice and say hey look, I'm not interested in you, and I won't become interested in you. You need to back the eff off and speak to me only when the job calls for it--no sweetie, no bonita, no nothing. Don't make me have to have you cited for sexual harassment. This is a job and there are rules about being treated in ways I make clear I don't want. Get it straight. No mas! Got me? Not one more word out of line or you'll be in big trouble. Si?

 

If he still harasses you, if he's only an employess you can complin to the owner and even mention sexual harrassment because it is possible he can be sued if he knows it goes on and does not make the job a safe place for you. If the offender is the owner, why just quit when you have him over a barrel legally? Try to get some documentaton like video or audio that clearly illustrates the guy's sexual harassment and file suit. You can walk away fro the job with some cash.

[shadowplay]

Could u imagine a Man making a thread and making comments this vain and shallow?

 

Hed be roasted,its a women so shes comforted and told she deserves really attractive Men

 

In fact, I have seen men post threads that they were insulted and frustrated only unattractive women approached them, and they did get the occasional offended response, but they weren't "roasted."

[shadowplay]

I havent seen it..

 

Maybe these Men who hit on you[ maybe not this new guy] are acutally *gasp* on your level and u need to accept that and try to find one attractive or be lonely..

 

Gee thanks. So you're basically offended that I would see who hits on me as some reflection on my attractiveness, and yet you're reinforcing that idea. You're offended that you think I'm judging people based on "levels" yet you're affirming that idea. Wow.

 

No, I'm not going to settle for somebody who is twice my age, unattractive and has nothing in common with me in terms of cultural background and education because I don't think I can do any better. I'm young, thin, in shape, educated and decent looking.

 

"If you only judge yourself on your beauty then nobody is gonna want you because to sustain a relationship it takes more then just your looks." Of course I don't only judge myself on that. I have a lot of great qualities, and I've always recognized them. I just know that most men are looks-focused.

Edited July 30, 2010 by shadowplay

[AD1980]

Gee thanks. So you're basically offended that I would see who hits on me as some reflection on my attractiveness, and yet you're reinforcing that idea. Wow.

 

 

It was offensive becasue you were being judgemental and coming off as a snob quite frankly..

 

My point is even hypothetically if you are on a lower level of attractivenes then u think who cares?

 

Does it make u less of a person?

 

If thats all u judge yourself on then you arent gonna be very sucessful in relationships..

[shadowplay]

 

My point is even hypothetically if you are on a lower level of attractivenes then u think who cares?

 

Does it make u less of a person?

 

If thats all u judge yourself on then you arent gonna be very sucessful in relationships..

 

And why are you assuming that this means I am? Aren't you being pretty judgmental in making that assumption about my "level" based on the information I've given?

 

I never indicated it was all I judge myself on. I know that I have a lot of great qualities. It's just frustrating when I rarely get approached by a guy who has the same stuff to offer as I do. Excuse me for thinking I'd be settling for a guy who is a lot older than I am, not in shape, uneducated, barely speaks English and comes from a vastly different cultural background.

 

It's not unreasonable to expect from a mate what you bring to the table. If you're young, decent looking, in shape and educated you're probably going to want somebody who has similar qualities and that's no unreasonable. Not to mention somebody who can speak your language with some fluency.