I'm so pissed. Older guy at work won't leave me alone

[shadowplay]

When I said I wanted attention from men, I didn't mean guys almost twice my age. There's a 40-year-old Spanish cook where I work who started relentlessly asking me out today, to the point that I felt really uncomfortable just being in the restaurant at all. I had noticed he was flirting with me before today, and maybe I was too nice.

 

Once about a week ago he asked me if I would go dancing with him, and by his tone of voice I thought he was just kidding around. So I said "sure" in a joking voice to humor him.

 

Then today he cornered me when we were alone in the basement and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I stupidly told him the truth (that I don't), and he asked me if I'd go out with him. I was taken off guard and didn't know what to say so I looked away and grumbled "uhhh...I'll think about it." Anybody with half a brain could have told I was politely rejecting him, but then he added "let me know when" as I walked away. Then he cornered me again later and asked me if I like dancing or drinking and I said "no" and I walked away again. Finally, as I was leaving work he whispered in my ear "I'll call you."

 

I made zero eye contact with him all day and was very brusque, but apparently he didn't get the message. He kept calling me "mi amour" or "mamasita" or "bonita"

 

How do I make this stop??? I have no clue what to say the next time he corners me and it's extremely awkward since I see him every day.

 

I have to say the whole thing also made me feel ****ty. Why is it that guys my age don't flirt with me but middle-aged, unattractive men do? Am I really that bad? I'm actually insulted that he would think he even has a chance with me. I don't get it.

 

Also, there's an even older Spanish cook there who was giving me flirtatious, heavy eye contact and smiles all day. He's been a bit flirty with me in the past, but never this heavy. I got the sense the other cook had told him I was going out with him, and now he thinks I'm easy or something. :sick:

 

To make matters worse as I was leaving the restaurant I noticed that the young (American) guy who works there was hanging out with that other waitress who I mentioned in my other thread, which confirmed my suspicion that he had asked her out. This guy kind of ignored me when we shifted together. This guy isn't even cute, but it tweaks me a little. It feels like I'm invisible to young guys, while lecherous middle aged men find me attractive.

 

Seriously, if this guy continues to bother me I may actually quit. It's making me extremely uncomfortable.

Edited July 29, 2010 by shadowplay

[that girl]

You have to make your boundries clear.

 

If he asks you to do something, say no. Not maybe, no. If you have to lie and say you have a boyfriend, fine. But say no.

 

When he says "Mi amour" or "Mi bonita" say, "Save it for your girlfriend, I'm just a co-worker."

[kalikula]

You really have just said you had a boyfriend....

 

Next time corners you and asks you out somewhere, tell him "NO thank you" !! The word no is very important here. "I'm not interested", but not "maybe!!"

 

There are many creepy older guys and they pretty much go after everyone.

[shadowplay]

 

There are many creepy older guys and they pretty much go after everyone.

 

Yeah, and this is why I feel ****ty.

[phineas]

You need to kick him in the nuts the next time he corners you.

seriously, guys like this give other guys a bad name.

[Serenitynow]

So I said "sure" in a joking voice to humor him.

 

Mistake # 1

 

didn't know what to say so I looked away and grumbled "uhhh...I'll think about it."

 

Mistake # 2

 

Grow some balls and tell them to shove it.

[threebyfate]

I have to say the whole thing also made me feel ****ty. Why is it that guys my age don't flirt with me but middle-aged, unattractive men do? Am I really that bad? I'm actually insulted that he would think he even has a chance with me. I don't get it.

Internal dialogue again:

 

Gross, go away!

 

Rather than the above reflection of self. You're internalising way too much.

 

Next time someone you're not interested in, asks you out, just say:

 

While I'm flattered that you've asked me out, I don't think of you this way.

[shadowplay]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I'm awful at rejecting guys who seem nice or whom I have to see all the time. If they're players, and especially if they're just some random dude, I don't care. It's going to be really awkward once I totally turn him down, because I literally work in a 1-5 ft radius of him all day.

 

This job is starting to get to me. Maybe I should quit, at least once I find a better job.

[spookie]

Seriously shadow, how do you come up with your conclusions?

 

Why do you feel s!htty about yourself and insulted that you got creeped on? It happens to everyone.

 

Also, especially because this is happening with people you work with, why on earth didn't you just say no???

 

And the guy who's flirting with the other waitress..... so what? How is that a personal reflection on you? Are people not allowed to find anyone but you attractive??

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really think you need to step back and evaluate why your reactions to these common everyday occurrences are so "off".

[SassyKitten]

I do know a bit about how you feel, I'm 28 and 90% of the guys who try to hit on me are 45+, it's so gross!

 

Sarcasm doesn't really work if someone is being pushy, you just have to tell them "no". One other thing I do if I'm not interested in someone is give them 1-word answers to their questions. Examples: "How are you today?" "Fine" "What are you doing tonight?" "Stuff."

[silverfish]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I'm awful at rejecting guys who seem nice or whom I have to see all the time. If they're players, and especially if they're just some random dude, I don't care. It's going to be really awkward once I totally turn him down, because I literally work in a 1-5 ft radius of him all day.

 

This job is starting to get to me. Maybe I should quit, at least once I find a better job.

 

Are you sure he's not just joking? If not, have a word with your manager about it, it's sexual harrasment. Most chefs flirt with waitresses, and they tend to have some sarcastic come-backs that are a little bit cruel but funny. Most men take this quite well...watch a few episodes of 'Cheers' and see how Carla deals with it.

 

Don't leave though! This job could be good for you. I was incredibly shy with men til I got a job in a restaurant, and it was dealing with the banter and low level innuendos every day that made me much more confident in myself.

[TuesGirl]

ehhh, no biggie. Look him in the eye, say, "in your dreams mother****er" and smile like a beauty queen as you sayshay off. Just OWN the situation instead of being the victim... There are lots of creepy guys out there, regardless of age, learn how to deal with them, bc you WILL encounter more.

[TuesGirl]

man, I agree, but she CLEARLY didn'y kill it in the first stages, so I was just telling how to kill it now, and that's what she needs to say...and then learn from her experiences. I have no idea if the guy is creepy...only going off the vibe from the OP

[alphamale]

these latino guys can be quite aggressive

[Phateless]

When I said I wanted attention from men, I didn't mean guys almost twice my age. There's a 40-year-old Spanish cook where I work who started relentlessly asking me out today, to the point that I felt really uncomfortable just being in the restaurant at all. I had noticed he was flirting with me before today, and maybe I was too nice.

 

Once about a week ago he asked me if I would go dancing with him, and by his tone of voice I thought he was just kidding around. So I said "sure" in a joking voice to humor him.

 

Then today he cornered me when we were alone in the basement and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I stupidly told him the truth (that I don't), and he asked me if I'd go out with him. I was taken off guard and didn't know what to say so I looked away and grumbled "uhhh...I'll think about it." Anybody with half a brain could have told I was politely rejecting him, but then he added "let me know when" as I walked away. Then he cornered me again later and asked me if I like dancing or drinking and I said "no" and I walked away again. Finally, as I was leaving work he whispered in my ear "I'll call you."

 

I made zero eye contact with him all day and was very brusque, but apparently he didn't get the message. He kept calling me "mi amour" or "mamasita" or "bonita"

 

How do I make this stop??? I have no clue what to say the next time he corners me and it's extremely awkward since I see him every day.

 

I have to say the whole thing also made me feel ****ty. Why is it that guys my age don't flirt with me but middle-aged, unattractive men do? Am I really that bad? I'm actually insulted that he would think he even has a chance with me. I don't get it.

 

Also, there's an even older Spanish cook there who was giving me flirtatious, heavy eye contact and smiles all day. He's been a bit flirty with me in the past, but never this heavy. I got the sense the other cook had told him I was going out with him, and now he thinks I'm easy or something. :sick:

 

To make matters worse as I was leaving the restaurant I noticed that the young (American) guy who works there was hanging out with that other waitress who I mentioned in my other thread, which confirmed my suspicion that he had asked her out. This guy kind of ignored me when we shifted together. This guy isn't even cute, but it tweaks me a little. It feels like I'm invisible to young guys, while lecherous middle aged men find me attractive.

 

Seriously, if this guy continues to bother me I may actually quit. It's making me extremely uncomfortable.

 

STOP HINTING.

 

START COMMUNICATING.

 

All you have to do is say "I apologize if I gave you the wrong idea, but I'm not interested in you. I hope we can still have a working relationship." Then walk away.

 

This isn't about his inability to take a hint - this is about your squeamishness with confrontation.

 

Does that make sense?

[alphamale]

STOP HINTING.

 

START COMMUNICATING.

 

All you have to do is say "I apologize if I gave you the wrong idea, but I'm not interested in you. I hope we can still have a working relationship." Then walk away.

 

This isn't about his inability to take a hint - this is about your squeamishness with confrontation.

 

Does that make sense?

you know girls can't do that Phateless

[Phateless]

you know girls can't do that Phateless

 

That's why, as men, it's our job to learn some social and emotional intelligence.

[O'Malley]

Unfortunately, avoidance doesn't work with some of the more persistent, obtuse minded individuals. You have to shut it down.

 

Tell this guy that you are not romantically interested in him, and that you only will discuss work related subjects with him from now on. If he disregards your request, make it crystal clear that you are going report him to your supervisor. And if he ever corners you again, go directly to management.

[alphamale]

If he disregards your request' date=' make it crystal clear that you are going report him to your supervisor. And if he ever corners you again, go directly to management.[/quote']

hopefully this clown isn't her supervisor or management....if he is an undocumented illegal you could threaten to report him to the INS

[txsilkysmoothe]

Am I the only one seeing the RACIST tone in this thread???

[shadowplay]

Am I the only one seeing the RACIST tone in this thread???

 

Care to explain?

[WintersNightTraveler]

Am I the only one seeing the RACIST tone in this thread???

 

You're not, but it's hard to see behind all the gender and age stereotypes.

 

Care to explain?

 

The undocumented illegal bit, everyone's attitudes about the mexican restaurant worker, etc.

 

I don't doubt you're in an uncomfortable situation but this thread overall, with replies and such, is like a cross section of all the weird little biases in everyday life in the US.

Edited July 30, 2010 by WintersNightTraveler

[txsilkysmoothe]

Care to explain?

 

You felt the need to describe the men in your story as either "Spanish" or "American."

 

You painted the "Spanish" as lesser human beings than the fine "American" white man.

[florence of suburbia]

I think racist is way overstating it, but there is definitely a culture clash factor.

 

I'm also curious about the term "Spanish" to refer to Latinos. I've heard it a lot in the last few years and it strikes me as strange. Is it used when country of origin is unknown, because it would be a misnomer in most cases. Are these guys from El Salvador or Mexico, or Puerto Rico, or what?

 

Anyway, to build on what Spookie said about your "off" perspective, maybe if you saw these guys as people you'd be able to relate better and find a simple but effective way to deflect the unwanted advances. I agree that it's annoying, but you seem to be taking it too seriously.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I think racist is way overstating it, but there is definitely a culture clash factor.

 

Racist TONE is what I wrote...........

 

When is it acceptable to use a person's race to describe them, their actions, and personality? Since the thread was suppose to be about AGE, I'm having a hard time understanding the OP's repeated reference to race.