kayo Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Hi everyone, I'm in quite the situation and I need the sagely advice of the loveshack forums before I do anything i'd regret later on. My gf recently went overseas to study. It was great for awhile, we talked about what we did during the day and just caught up. It's been two months. But lately, she has been distant. I haven't talked to her in awhile and I told her that I missed her and she told me to stop missing her. This raised some red flags for me and so I called her a couple of days later and told her that I felt she was being a little distant. She sorta just said that i'm being paranoid / emo and that nothing was going on. I shot her an email saying that I was sorry and that I was just frustrated that we aren't clicking as well as we used to (this not clicking part has been going on for awhile too!) I said that I was sorry that I mistrusted her and that I wouldn't initiate any more conversations with her. I had initially suspected that she had met someone else. All the signs were there, she became disinterested in me, whenever I call her, she always has a reason to not talk to me on the phone (such as i'm eating or i'm on the train.) I didn't think it would be too difficult to catch up for a couple of minutes so that made me slightly angry. Then when she said to stop missing her, that was the final straw. Although she did also say that she's used to long distance relationship and so she learned to not miss someone. But what bothers me is that she doesn't make an effort to comfort me in the least bit. I basically felt stupid after I called her. I certainly can understand if she did meet someone new. When you go abroad, you are in a whole new environment away from all the drama from family and friends. You are in a tight knit group that's traveling and learning together. I don't doubt that maybe you develop a closer connection with someone. I just wanted her to be honest with me and just tell me what's up. I'm confused, she recently sent me an email saying that I was right and that we needed to talk. She just doesn't want to do it over the phone or while she's abroad. She wants to do it in person, but the problem is... she doesn't get back for another month. I don't like being in limbo. I want to send her an email saying that if she intends to break up with me, then say so that I may use this month productively to get over her, but if she intends to work it out, then i'll stick it through the month. But again, maybe she doesn't want to speak with me now because she's torn between me and maybe this new guy or something and just needs time to think it through. But I want to be in the loop and I want closure. Sometimes i feel like it's just pure speculation, but the evidence is starting to line up. Should I send this email? What should I do?
TaraMaiden Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I answered in your other thread. I'm sorry, I thought you were female. I had a girl friend at school whose name was kayo. Why are you bedridden because of problems with your SO....?
Author kayo Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Hi TaraMaiden, I've just been laying on my bed doing nothing for the past 2 days. That's what I meant. I'm so confused and at lost as to what I could possibly do to remedy this situation. Thanks for replying.
Treasa Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I, personally, would tell her we don't need to have a talk in person, because I was breaking up with her right then and there.
TaraMaiden Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Hi TaraMaiden, I've just been laying on my bed doing nothing for the past 2 days. Ok, I'm sorry, but that's not her fault, that's you. This is self-inflicted. If you choose to mope and be maudlin in your own place and just lie around moping, that's not on her, that's your decision.... Everything you think, say and do, is your decision. Cr*ap is a whole part of life, but we can either try to wipe it off our shoes in disgust or we can put it on the roses. "Pain is part of life. Suffering is optional". Ok, so basically you have a girl you believe is acting like a flake, and whom you suspect has cheated, but you understand that, and she wants to talk, but you have to wait a month??? That's what I meant. I'm so confused and at lost as to what I could possibly do to remedy this situation. well, lying on your bed for a month won't help, will it? here's waht you do. next time you talk to her, tell her that keeping you in limbo like this for another month is both unfair and unstified... ..." So if you have, or ever had any feelings for me, please just answer yes or no. That's all you need to say. 'Yes', or 'No'. One: is there someone else? Two: If there isn't someone else yet, could there be? Three: have your feelings changed for me to the extent that you don't think we can be together any more? Just be honest and clear the air. if you have any respect for me, at least tell me now, instead of keeping me waiting a month!" Thanks for replying. That's ok. Now, get up, have a shower, call a friend, go out and have a drink.
Author kayo Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) TaraMaiden, Thank you once again for replying. I am at a confused part of my life and it's nice to be able to talk to someone knowledgeable. I have a few questions to ask about what you said I should do. I had already told her that i won't initiate any more messages towards her. If I send that, it's breaking that promise. Secondly, I think she may be confused as to who she wants to possibly be with and that she may just need time. Knowing the kind of girl she is, she probably feels terrible about even having feelings for someone else. I was thinking about just going NC this entire month, and building myself back up. I feel like the reason why we have drifted apart was because she's just so closed up. When we first started dating, i could get her to do anything, she made sacrifices for me, and i made sacrifices for her. It felt great. However, at one point, she said that we should stop having sex because she's getting too attached. We slowly stopped doing intimate things together. She has a big PDA problem and so I'm not allowed to show any affection in public. We went on vacation with a group of friends and I wanted her attention so bad, because I hadn't seen her in weeks, but she shot me down and pulled away. I was torn then and ever since then she turned cold on me and it appears that I've turned into a love sick puppy following her around. We are still together since then, but there wasn't that "spark," that ol' let's go and do stuff together! I know that i've changed and I possibly have changed away from the guy she fell in love with, but it's difficult because she doesn't reciprocate and I can't be the guy that she fell in love with at the beginning. She has to open up and be willing to let herself go, and be willing to do things together just me and her. I want to express all that i've said here, but I'm not sure how well it will come across in an email. I figured that if I build myself back up to the kind of person she liked before (the aloof, the non-attached self), and when she comes back, and i tell her that she's closed up on me. Things would change? This would require me to go NC with her this entire month and just work on myself. I'm lost though because if I do wait the entire month and she starts developing even deeper feelings for this possible new guy and doesn't understand why we drifted apart, I very well may have lost her for good, as she had made a choice in that month. With this new information, do you still think I should send what you had suggested? Thank you again. Edited July 29, 2010 by kayo
TaraMaiden Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 No, you just ask her if she contacts you. Going NC right now is the best thing you could do. Distance between people, huh you know, I'm convinced it either makes 'em or breaks 'em.... I will just give you a general thing to think about. In order to function well, a relationship Must - absolutely MUST - have 3 utterly vital components. Think of them as a tripod, supporting the Relationship. These 3 elements are, Trust Communication and Respect. if even just one of these is even a bit damaged, or broken, the other 2 can't support the relationship, no matter how much you invest in them. And the worst one to go, is the Trust. if you haven't got trust in your partner, absolutely 100%, it's a no-go, because that one is hard to build up or repair, and it can't be done alone. The other thing is, that if a relationship has problems, both people have to want to put them 100% right, 100% of the time. Each person is 50% responsible for the relationship, and both have to be on the same page, in the same place, looking in the same direction. If one person is less committed than the other.... You can see where I'm going with this, can't you? It's all very well her asking you to wait a month, but would she ask you this if she was due back in 6 months? And - would you wait? Would you put your life on hold, and on a back-burner just for her, not knowing whether there's a 'Dear John' moment coming? Really?
Author kayo Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) So I should go NC and wait until she emails me back? What if she doesn't email me back for the entire duration of the month? I understand what you mean and it's something I want to tell her. That if she values our relationship then she needs to put in 100% and contribute 50% to the relationship. I don't want to wait, but i'd be willing if it would work out in the end. But once again, there's no guaranteed. I know exactly what I want to say to her. I want to repeat what you say and I want to explain to her why we drifted apart. I want to then ask her the three questions that you had said to do in your first post. So to confirm, you want me to go NC, and when she contacts me again, send the above. I shouldn't take the initiative and send the email now. Or send it now, if she decides to break it off, go NC! Edited July 29, 2010 by kayo
TaraMaiden Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Go No Contact now. Live your life. She's evidently made a decision which she is uncomfortable with, or else she would not have admitted that you need to talk. But to wait around and be ready for her, when she's ready for you, is unreasonable. Go No Contact, and as and when she contacts you - go for it.
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