AlwaysConflicted Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I have no interest in meeting a new woman yet it was so important to me before I met my ex. I wanted to get married and live a "normal" family life. It's been 9 weeks since my breakup and I've been NC for 5 weeks. I don't dream about my ex anymore, but I still think about her quite often. I've been able to step back and see how poorly she treated me, yet I still miss her. I mostly accept that it's over. Maybe 5 percent of me thinks we'll get back together. The BIG problem is that I don't have any emotion towards women right now. Part of me wants a girlfriend and the other part just wants to be alone. I feel like I'm still licking my wounds and I don't trust women. Last night I met a very cute girl, but barely made any effort to talk to her. We chatted about her career, but I certainly wasn't interested and made no attempt to ask her out. I'm starting to worry that I'm slightly cold inside towards women. I had such high hopes for my last relationship. I thought we might get married and then it all fell apart. The other problem is that I'm 30 and still looking for a fulltime job. I had a great career, but was laid off several months ago. It's been tough to find a new job. The silver lining is that this entire experience has been very humbling and I've learned a great deal. If I can't find something fulltime soon, I'm thinking about backpacking around the world. I feel majorly lost in my life right now. I thought by 30 I'd have a great career and be married. I'm always reminded of the book "We Plan, God Laughs". It's so true... Anyone have words of wisdom? or thoughts?
smk Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 AC - good to see you... I know what you mean about the not being attracted or having any feelings towards other women. I have been the same since the break. It just doesnt seem worth it - or in my case I keep on looking for some similarity to my ex and when I dont find that I find some fault. Not that I have been going out to meet women, but even women in general, women I see on the the streets, everywhere. TBH - I think its normal at the starting, and eventually that will change, once the last 5% of hope is gone, until that point I guess the only thing to do is focus on yourself. I know from previous experience that our brain has a way of blocking of certain emotions that have caused us pain until it feels safe to reopen them again, and since you are still hurting your mind had kinda blocked this off as a defense mechanism. (Again just my opinion - I could be completely off the mark). As I said before hopefully with time, we will heal and hopefully be able to open up again to other people, until that point my aim is to focus on me... Sorry about the job, that must really suck, but travelling sounds like fun - god I wish I could do that. Maybe that will help in moving on aswell - seeing new people, new places, experiencing new things, cant be that bad. As they say, time heals all wounds...
Circular Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Don't sweat it, 5 weeks is still to soon for the depth of emotions you had for your ex. Just go out, have fun, don't worry about the women. At some point you'll get that feeling back it just takes time.
bonpaw2008 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I think this is totally normal. You have a ton of stuff going on right now, and it may just be your mind's way of protecting you from disappointment and pain. We have all had enough pain. Enjoy your aloneness for a while.
cookie2 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I would say that being concerned about your lack of empathy, shows it is still there. If it weren't, you wouldn't care that you don't care. If you get what I mean
SilkRose Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Great post, you described your situation so clearly. Everyone has covered the emotional aspect, it does sound like a (perfectly understandable) defence mechanism...I say this because I'm experiencing the same thing and its concerning me to. As for the travelling, save some cash and go traveling, see the world, learn about different cultures/languages and enjoy life. You'll be enriched by the experience and when you are ready to settle down and build the family (you seem to want) you will have so many experiences to draw from and plenty of new friends. You said you didn't imagine that youre life would be like this at 30, go and travel, broaden your horizons, surprise yourself and have a wonderful time. Best of luck you sound like a sweet guy.
buckeye Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 AC, I'm feeling the same way. After 26 years, my marriage ends tomorrow. I don't think I'll ever trust again. I have a whole in me now. On top of the trust issue, I can't say I'd be much of a catch. I'm 55 live in an apartment, drive an old truck and don''t have much money. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact I may be going it alone from here on. This causes me much pain. It is my hope that all of us here find some sort of peace, contentment, and maybe even happiness someday. My Best to You
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) This too is natural. It will pass with time. I'm a bit impatient. I'd like to move on already and meet someone new. I feel like I've mostly moved on, but not enough to date someone seriously. Great post, you described your situation so clearly. Everyone has covered the emotional aspect, it does sound like a (perfectly understandable) defence mechanism...I say this because I'm experiencing the same thing and its concerning me to. As for the travelling, save some cash and go traveling, see the world, learn about different cultures/languages and enjoy life. You'll be enriched by the experience and when you are ready to settle down and build the family (you seem to want) you will have so many experiences to draw from and plenty of new friends. You said you didn't imagine that youre life would be like this at 30, go and travel, broaden your horizons, surprise yourself and have a wonderful time. Best of luck you sound like a sweet guy. Thank you...especially for the sweet guy comment. I've been working nonstop since I'm 14 years old so I have some money saved. I'm proud of myself, but I need a break from the rat race. I think it would do me some good to see the world. I haven't traveled much outside of the US...except to some tropical islands. I would say that being concerned about your lack of empathy, shows it is still there. If it weren't, you wouldn't care that you don't care. If you get what I mean Well, I'm not a robot so I still have some emotion. I just don't feel anything for women right now. I'm not mean or anything, but it doesn't feel right to get close to someone right now. AC - good to see you... I know what you mean about the not being attracted or having any feelings towards other women. I have been the same since the break. It just doesnt seem worth it - or in my case I keep on looking for some similarity to my ex and when I dont find that I find some fault. Not that I have been going out to meet women, but even women in general, women I see on the the streets, everywhere. TBH - I think its normal at the starting, and eventually that will change, once the last 5% of hope is gone, until that point I guess the only thing to do is focus on yourself. I know from previous experience that our brain has a way of blocking of certain emotions that have caused us pain until it feels safe to reopen them again, and since you are still hurting your mind had kinda blocked this off as a defense mechanism. (Again just my opinion - I could be completely off the mark). As I said before hopefully with time, we will heal and hopefully be able to open up again to other people, until that point my aim is to focus on me... Sorry about the job, that must really suck, but travelling sounds like fun - god I wish I could do that. Maybe that will help in moving on aswell - seeing new people, new places, experiencing new things, cant be that bad. As they say, time heals all wounds... Yes, the job is a bummer. I've learned that most people define themselves by what they do for a living. I suppose that's common sense, but I finally understand it. I'm at a crossroads in my life right now. I thought I wanted one thing, but I might not actually want it. I might have been listening to society and advertising all these years. I need some time to sort everything out in my head. Don't sweat it, 5 weeks is still to soon for the depth of emotions you had for your ex. Just go out, have fun, don't worry about the women. At some point you'll get that feeling back it just takes time. I guess you're right. 5 weeks isn't a significant amount of time. I'm just frustrated. I've had a number of relationships and they don't seem to work out. I don't blame me and I don't blame them. It doesn't work until it does and that's the way life is. You learn from your mistakes and you try improve yourself. My friends all seem to have more success in relationships than me, but that's fine I suppose. Maybe it's not my path or maybe it's not my time. I think this is totally normal. You have a ton of stuff going on right now, and it may just be your mind's way of protecting you from disappointment and pain. We have all had enough pain. Enjoy your aloneness for a while. I will. The good news is that I don't feel lonely anymore. I've always been a bit of a loner so I do well by myself. I got used to have a cute girl around me. It's amazing how similar love is to a drug. You get hooked and then withdrawal is a nightmare. Anyways, I'm just going to go with the flow. I needed the reassurance from all of you. I suppose I knew the answers already, but sometimes it helps to hear other people say it. I want to give a special shout out to smk and thorgs because I know those 2 are in pain. You both remember how beat up I was, but I think you can see that I've changed my tone quite a bit. Yes, I still miss my ex and I'm not fully healed by any means, but I'm no longer in the depths of despair. Circular: not to put you on the spot but your advice has helped me beyond words. For whatever reason, your insight resonates with me to a much a greater degree than most. Thank you. Anyways, I'm not going anywhere yet. If I travel it'll be around dec/jan. I like this community. It helps me cope and hopefully I've helped some people along the way. Edited July 30, 2010 by AlwaysConflicted
lullaby Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I have no interest in meeting a new woman yet it was so important to me before I met my ex. I wanted to get married and live a "normal" family life. It's been 9 weeks since my breakup and I've been NC for 5 weeks. I don't dream about my ex anymore, but I still think about her quite often. I've been able to step back and see how poorly she treated me, yet I still miss her. I mostly accept that it's over. Maybe 5 percent of me thinks we'll get back together. The BIG problem is that I don't have any emotion towards women right now. Part of me wants a girlfriend and the other part just wants to be alone. I feel like I'm still licking my wounds and I don't trust women. Last night I met a very cute girl, but barely made any effort to talk to her. We chatted about her career, but I certainly wasn't interested and made no attempt to ask her out. I'm starting to worry that I'm slightly cold inside towards women. I had such high hopes for my last relationship. I thought we might get married and then it all fell apart. The other problem is that I'm 30 and still looking for a fulltime job. I had a great career, but was laid off several months ago. It's been tough to find a new job. The silver lining is that this entire experience has been very humbling and I've learned a great deal. If I can't find something fulltime soon, I'm thinking about backpacking around the world. I feel majorly lost in my life right now. I thought by 30 I'd have a great career and be married. I'm always reminded of the book "We Plan, God Laughs". It's so true... Anyone have words of wisdom? or thoughts? Hi AC. It's normal for you to feel like this after only 5 weeks, the worst passed already but you'll find someone eventually, and you'll find that spark you lost with a new girl, I bet you will. I think you're at the beginning of another process, it'll take time for you to finish healing and in 2 o 3 months you'll see you can be interested in someone else. Besides, it always strikes us when we think about everything we thought we would have at a certain age and suddenly we see we haven't accomplished it all, well, maybe it was not what we were supposed to do but you're doing the right thing. Save money and go travel the world my friend!! It's the best experience ever!!
smk Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 AC - Firstly great to see that your path to healing has begun, I think you have reached that stage which can be only be perfectly described by the following sentence: "F**k It, life's for living, whats the worst that could happen (Dr Pepper theme playing the background)"... I hope to get to join you on that ship soon (fingers crossed). Yes, the job is a bummer. I've learned that most people define themselves by what they do for a living. I suppose that's common sense, but I finally understand it. I'm at a crossroads in my life right now. I thought I wanted one thing, but I might not actually want it. I might have been listening to society and advertising all these years. I need some time to sort everything out in my head. I know what you mean about the job, we get so tied down with what society deems as normal that sometimes we lose sight of what it is that we actually want to do and achieve in our lives. Sometimes it takes a particular event to come to that realisation that everything we have achieved so far in our lives has not been what we truly wanted but what society and the media dictated to us was the norm. I recall that I had been working freelance before I met my ex, and hence had pretty sporadic earnings, some months I earnt really great money and others not so much, eventually a client of mine offered me a permanent position that I was hesitant to take, but my ex convinced me to take it, because since we were talking marriage and kids and the whole lot it made more sense to have benefits and a stable income as opposed to being sporadic and thats the only reason I took the job, yet even though I am no longer with her, in all honesty its been one of the best decisions I have made so far. But I guess what I am saying is that sometimes we may not realise at first why something happened, but in some subliminal way there is always a reason behind why events occur in my life. (as you can tell I believe quite a bit in karma & the cosmos, and the divine intervention - I am not religious by any means though.) I've had a number of relationships and they don't seem to work out. I don't blame me and I don't blame them. It doesn't work until it does and that's the way life is. You learn from your mistakes and you try improve yourself. My friends all seem to have more success in relationships than me, but that's fine I suppose. Maybe it's not my path or maybe it's not my time. Practice makes perfect, sometimes we may not see it but we have various relationships that dont work out purely so that we can learn about ourselves from them, so that when that one perfect relationship does come, it will be as I said Perfect. The good news is that I don't feel lonely anymore. A positive sign and my guess is that this is one of the first signs of acceptance. I got used to have a cute girl around me. It's amazing how similar love is to a drug. You get hooked and then withdrawal is a nightmare. Anyways, I'm just going to go with the flow. I know that having a pretty girl by side was always such a confidence and ego booster in all aspects of my life. As I said in one of my earlier posts, love stimulates the same parts in your brain as drugs do, and when we no longer have that substance our body craves it. Its just a matter of letting the effects wear off... I want to give a special shout out to smk and thorgs because I know those 2 are in pain. You both remember how beat up I was, but I think you can see that I've changed my tone quite a bit. Yes, I still miss my ex and I'm not fully healed by any means, but I'm no longer in the depths of despair. Thank you buddy, its people on here who have helped get this far, I have only been posting a few weeks but have clocked up a large number of posts cos I honestly find this more therapeutic than seeing my therapist. And what has helped me even more is that the advice I get here are from people who know exactly what I am feeling because we have all been through it or are going through it. Your tone has definately changed for the better over the course of the last few days, and that can only be a positive sign...
DenverBachelor Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 As I get older, I realize that the more we plan our lives and strive to conform to society, the more unhappy we will become in our lives. Sometimes life is simply about living it without high expectations. Sure, we would all like to make a lot of money and have the easy life but I can assure you that being rich isn't a key to happiness. That being said, women are amazing creatures. They really are -- they can open a man's eyes to things he otherwise would never be able to see. They are different than men. They think differently, they emote differently -- just about everything about them is different than a man. So what if you had a few bad relationships that didn't pan out? Who hasn't? That's life, dude. What you should be doing is enjoying women. Talk to them, get to know how they think. Have great sex with them (that's always fun). Seriously -- life is too short to mope and fill your history with "what-ifs?" Women are awesome. You should learn to have fun with them while you are young. It's a lot harder to roll around in your wheelchair to catch them when you get into a nursing home.
smk Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 As I get older, I realize that the more we plan our lives and strive to conform to society, the more unhappy we will become in our lives. Sometimes life is simply about living it without high expectations. Sure, we would all like to make a lot of money and have the easy life but I can assure you that being rich isn't a key to happiness. I think because of the movie and TV culture that we currently live in, from a young age our mindset changes to thinking that we can only be happy by achieving all those things. Thankfully I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s where the videogame and TV culture still wasn’t so large. But nowadays it seems as though all kids want to do it either become a model, actor or rapper. I wont lie I did think till one point that I needed to earn stupendous amount of money to be truly happy but my ex opened up my mind to a lot things – different views, different opinions and I didn’t agree to all of them, but some genuinely made sense and hence I tweaked them to my way of thinking and implemented those into my life. That being said, women are amazing creatures. They really are -- they can open a man's eyes to things he otherwise would never be able to see. They are different than men. They think differently, they emote differently -- just about everything about them is different than a man. So what if you had a few bad relationships that didn't pan out? Who hasn't? That's life, dude. The 6 months with my ex truly taught me a lot of things, I grew up mostly with women (my sister as opposed to my parents) and always knew that their way of thinking was different, but I know the relationship with women is different to that with a partner. My ex opened up my eyes to the looking at the bigger picture, sure I had ambition and dreams and passion, but sometimes I set myself unrealistic goals, and when I was with her she would reason with me and make me realise that they were unrealistic. Also the way she dealt with situations, where a most time I would sometimes just let sleeping dogs lay, she made me realise that its not the way to deal with the situation (the irony is that when she first started getting stick from her dad about me that’s exactly what she did – never spoke to me about it, and left it thinking it would sort itself out). Talk to them, get to know how they think. Have great sex with them (that's always fun). Seriously -- life is too short to mope and fill your history with "what-ifs?" Tbh sometimes I don’t think even they know what they are thinking… LOL…. Women are awesome. You should learn to have fun with them while you are young. It's a lot harder to roll around in your wheelchair to catch them when you get into a nursing home. Sex in a wheelchair – hmmm worth a shot – or sex with a hot young nurse who is sponging you down in a wheelchair….
cookie2 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Blimey smk - have you been hanging around the sexual practices forum??!
smk Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Blimey smk - have you been hanging around the sexual practices forum??! dude shockingly I havent - i have contemplated having a wander in there - who knows what may arise (no pun intended) out of the visit.... LOL
SilkRose Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 You are most welcome OP. You haven't travelled outside of the US, so take the opportunity to travel, do a round the world trip or travel around a continent using trains/coaches/cheap flights. If you choose Europe for example, you could travel and learn French/Spanish (which are widely spoken within mainland Europe, outside of France/Spain) then you could enrich your life and your future job prospects by knowing another language and having had experiences away from home. This goes for anywhere really, South America, Africa, Asia there are so many options. You could also work and travel or volunteer somewhere. You have plenty to offer OP. It may not feel like it now (broken relationships can make you feel like less than you actually are, as I know all too well) but it's not true. So set your imagination free and do something new for you. Travel broadens the mind after all. It's not uncommon for people your age (outside the US) to take a late "gap year" a year travelling around the world. Really hope you feel better and if you do decide to travel, fill us in on the details afterwards. Good Luck x
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