dietpepsi Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) My ex and I have been apart for almost 9 months, recently we started opening the lines of communication, and we talk all the time..at work...over email. She is super chatty and flirty in email, and even some text messaging she has done. But she gets nervous when we are around each other. I take this is a sign that I am making her nervous, and this may be to my benefit. Before I can ask her to meet up outside of the office, I need to go ahead and bury the face to face problem. She would probably feel to nervous to just meet up as is now. The few times i see her and speak to her at work, she may get a little red a little flustered, and has a hard time maintaining eye contact with me, and rambles on sometimes, but she is never in a hurry to end the encounter. I don't take this as a "go away" sign. More of a "I broke up with you, but am still attracted to you and I dont know how to behave around you" which is what it feels like. Me acting controlled and calm, may make it worse for her. We are both single. I need to make her feel comfortable enough, so if its the cards we can progress to seeing each other outside of work. Any suggestions? EDIT: I don't want this to go on too long, I don't want to come off like I am not a man, and am afraid to approach her. Edited July 29, 2010 by dietpepsi
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Do something nice for her. She probably has no idea where your head is at and a nice gesture will pave the way.
Author dietpepsi Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Do something nice for her. She probably has no idea where your head is at and a nice gesture will pave the way. You know, I haven't even thought of that. I always assumed she "just knew" I still wanted to be with her. But then again, I haven't telegraphed my interest to her. She did tell me she was looking for "friendship" out of our relationship, when we started talking a lot. But thats how we originally started out is as friends, then it became something more. I mean we have been apart for 9 months, you cant just jump back into it the same was as if it were a new person i think.
Circular Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 These are all good signs if you're interested in stoking the flame again. An ex typically won't get flirty via email unless there's still some emotional/sexual tension still there. And her rambling, getting flustered and all are good physical signs as well. What you need to really be reflective on is what were the reasons you and her broke up? What was it about you that contributed to the break-up and likewise what was it about her? You need to also mix-it up a bit, don't follow the same patterns as before. And be sure you're not to available. There's a couple of different things you can do here, the tension that's being created isn't a bad thing. But it seems like maybe she's looking for you to escalate it a bit. Have you asked her out to meet for coffee? When you 'see her' what exactly does that mean? My only concern is she broke up with you and it can be hard sometimes to understand what an ex's agenda is. As the dumpee you should NEVER bring up the past relationship or say anything that indicates you're trying to determine what the current relationship is; you need to go with the flow. You also need to avoid being in the friend-zone.
Author dietpepsi Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Well she broke up with me because I didn't have my act together. I am almost 27 and she is 31, she probably felt like she was dating a boy and not a man. Thats a bit of an age difference. I've changed a lot in 9 months, and grew up quite a bit I feel like, our breakup made me realize I cant get what I want continuing to act this way. I think maybe she is noticing, as she gets inquisitive from time to time about my new life, and the new me. I think she has noticed without me telling her. For example: when we broke up she said she felt like I was on the lazy side, and she always felt I was a little slobbish and she didn't like that because she wasn't 23 anymore. So I've lost 60 lbs, and am pretty fit now, and have an all new wardrobe, and get compliments all the time on my new clean appearance. I'm more active then I have ever been. She asked if I saw a future with us. She was right about all of it. She was looking for longevity, and felt like that I could not provide her with a long lasting mature adult relationship that she needed. I've just decided to let my actions speak for themselves, and if she didn't notice, then i would be in a better place for my next relationship. The last time I asked her for coffee was 4 months ago, and she said she didn't feel comfortable with it. But I and we were no where near where we are now, and that was 4 months ago. She has asked me about my plans for the weekend the last few weekends, and then said she didn't really having anything going on. Should I take this as an "ask me out?" She even sent me a drunken "goodnight" text recently haha. I don't want to move too quick, or too slow, and jeopardize anything. I never talk about the breakup period. I think I don't want to anymore than she does. I have mentioned a few good times we had in casual conversation, just playful stuff. To which she talks along just as I am. We talk about old times without the feeling of resentment or pain on either side, does that make sense? I don't think I'm in the friend zone, because I'm not that available to her, and I don't pamper her, or agree with everything she says, I'm 99% sure she wouldn't dare talk to me about other men either.
Circular Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Well, it seems you're playing all your cards correctly. And I agree, you need to throttle it between to fast/to slow. This is a good example if any of the dynamics that should/need to occur when you're thinking about getting back with an ex. All the things you mention are green flags, including how you interpreted what she said about the weekend as I think that she was fishing for some type of potential date over the weekend. I think you're handling it perfectly, actions over words, etc... My approach would be to do a day time thing. Coffee is always a good choice as it's not as 'loaded' with expectations. Does she live nearby? Can you call her and say you're visiting a friend near where she lives and want to grab coffee? Whatever you do I'd just advise making the first meeting as casual (comfortable) as possible. I'd also make it spontaneous. It seems 4 months down the road that you're in a pretty good spot to get a positive response from her.
Author dietpepsi Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 We live maybe 15-20 minutes apart on different parts of the city. How about an exhibition or something to go to? We live in a big city, plenty of things to do, and it might be nice to have something to wrap the conversation around instead of just sitting down talking, and if all goes well, grab a bite to eat afterwards. Less pressure perhaps? I can just pick out something that I would normally go to anyway on a weekend day, and just invite her along. It shouldn't seem too pressured as I would be going there anyway, and I am just inviting her along, as opposed to "having a chat over coffee" which might seem more scary, because we know immediately whats going in each other's head "we haven't hung out since we broke up, and now we're having coffee" maybe "Oh he's going anyway, might be fun to go with him" What do you think? Thanks for all the replies by the way!
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