Decide to 180

[pinkp]

OK so I've seen a few people mention they decided to 180. What exactly does this mean ? I am thinking something in the way of deciding to no wallow in sadness and depressions. To committ to being happier. Am I right.

[spriggig]

In the context of this forum, it's probably from Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[carhill]

IME, it's moving one's own agenda forward in a positive way, without regard for or deference to their partner's needs, concerns, desires or perspective. Examples would be no contact, filing for divorce, disclosures (in the case of infidelity), IC/MC, etc.

 

It sends a message regarding boundaries and the new location of the 'middle' of the bend, or what is acceptable compromise.

 

The goal IMO is to achieve health. If that health comes with one's former partner in a newly defined relationship, so be it. If not, not.

[pinkp]

Oh well I guess the 180 approach wouldnt apply to be since STBX is already out the door.

[pinkp]

IME, it's moving one's own agenda forward in a positive way, without regard for or deference to their partner's needs, concerns, desires or perspective. Examples would be no contact, filing for divorce, disclosures (in the case of infidelity), IC/MC, etc.

 

It sends a message regarding boundaries and the new location of the 'middle' of the bend, or what is acceptable compromise.

 

The goal IMO is to achieve health. If that health comes with one's former partner in a newly defined relationship, so be it. If not, not.

 

STBX and I have two daughters together. So we do LC. Which is just as hard for me. I tend to go of topic and start to tlka about how much he hurt me and my hatred for him. It's hard not to.

[carhill]

IC can help you with the process. You learn tools to manage and direct your emotions and perceive that LC and your co-parenting in a different way. Think of it as exit counseling.

 

If your path is divorce and co-parenting, you will necessarily have to re-define the relationship within those parameters. Since you have no control over him (witness him walking out the door), you control who you can, that being you. Accepting where you are now, today, and deciding where you want to be tomorrow.

 

180 is about you becoming healthier, so you don't 'go off-topic' or dwell on the hurt or hatred. It's about acceptance. Best wishes

[Gunny376]

My own personal definition of the 180's is that of "in-difference" toward what the other person says or does ~ taking personal responibility for your own happiness ~ that is to say not seeking it through another ~ be they your SO, your parents, your children, your best friend.

 

Its about self validation ~ and telling others but most espeically the former STBX ~ "You know what? Regardless of weather you stay, come or go ~ I'll be alright."

[trippi1432]

My own personal definition of the 180's is that of "in-difference" toward what the other person says or does ~ taking personal responibility for your own happiness ~ that is to say not seeking it through another ~ be they your SO, your parents, your children, your best friend.

 

Its about self validation ~ and telling others but most espeically the former STBX ~ "You know what? Regardless of weather you stay, come or go ~ I'll be alright."

 

High Five Soldier!! Proud to say I know you...

 

This is good advice really...something most people don't understand until they have been walking the road for many miles and are confronted with a path.