Told MM about my pregnancy

July 31, 2010

I don't think she's manipulating him at all. He's backing her into a corner and she feels trapped. She doesn't know what she's going to do so she isn't committing to anything yet. Heck, the way he's pressing for an abortion, it almost makes a person want to defy him just to screw him over. I mean, I'm not suggesting that she have the baby or not, I'm just saying that his behavior just begs for retaliation.

No, it doesn't. That's a childish and spiteful response, and this is not the time nor situation for her to be childish and spiteful. Escalating the drama is not going to help anything or anyone, especially Noelle.

Noelle - You said you wanted a calm, rational conversation with him, yet when you did meet him in the coffee shop, you decided to be stubborn and escalate the drama by being dishonest with him about what you were thinking and what you had done and were doing. Yes, he's being an ass by pressing what he wants, but at least he's being honest and very clear with you, while you sat there and just fed the drama. Why?

Did you seriously expect him to say he would support you if you wanted to have this baby and be happy about it? Just because you found out that your affair is just an affair and he wants nothing more than to keep this affair a secret from his wife and wants no part of a baby, doesn't mean you need to prolong the drama. Time to grow up, little girl.

July 31, 2010

Noelle,

Have you let the doctor know your cramping? What about a run to the ER? I would be concerned about a miscarriage at this point. I would also send this guy a no contact message. Tell him you will speak to him in two weeks and back off. That he is frightening you, your body your right to chose. He made a choice when he had the affair and he is trying to intimdate you to his will to save his picket fence. Go with your guts on what you want to do. You have to live with whatever the decision is.

In the meantime, incase you decide to keep the baby did you get the prenatal vitamins?

Bella

July 31, 2010

Time to grow up, little girl.

Oh, I think she has grown up quite a bit. Ultimately the mother is the responsible party.

Since this is to be her decision, why should a manipulative man who is fighting for himself, be told more than that she is pregnant.

July 31, 2010

Noelle,

Have you let the doctor know your cramping? What about a run to the ER? I would be concerned about a miscarriage at this point. I would also send this guy a no contact message. Tell him you will speak to him in two weeks and back off. That he is frightening you, your body your right to chose. He made a choice when he had the affair and he is trying to intimdate you to his will to save his picket fence. Go with your guts on what you want to do. You have to live with whatever the decision is.

In the meantime, incase you decide to keep the baby did you get the prenatal vitamins?

Bella

Good thoughts.

July 31, 2010

Angel I agree that he is behaving like a ******* and his behavior is scary.

But I cant see many men rolling over and saying oh darling of course I will tell my wife and we will live happily ever after. Few if any.

For the record, we had a pregnancy scare early on during the A (before all the lurrve stuff). My (then)MM hopped on a plane and came directly over, we discussed it calmly and he was quite clear that if I wanted to keep it, he would D so that it could be raised (singly or as a couple, whatever I chose) without any potential interference from his (then)BW. To him, that was simply following through with the consequences of his own actions - he was doing what he felt was right. As would most guys - or at least, those worth knowing, and certainly those worth shagging.

July 31, 2010

Based upon what? He grabbed her arm. I doubt she has bruises she could show now, if she ever even had any. He yelled at her.

That is how it starts. On another board, a girl found herself in a similar situation and it started like this and ended with him threatening to kill her. A married guy who is determined to keep his life from blowing apart will lose it one notch at a time. Right now he thinks he still has a shot at manipulating her into an abortion. If he finds out that he will not be able to do that, and furthermore finds that he cannot manipulate her into a 'private arrangement' he may well lose his sh*t. Wouldn't be the first married guy to do so.

Better safe than sorry.

July 31, 2010

Yeah but come on OWoman he married you. With no disrespect to Noelle this is totally different.

Noelle it makes much more sense you didnt tell your parents. I suggest you dont unless you decide to keep the baby. If you decide not to keep it I suspect thats not something you will want to do. Unless of course you want your dad to turn MM into a stain anyway.

July 31, 2010

I mean, I understand that an abortion would be the easiest option for him and he is surprised I'm even thinking about the whole thing but I need to make a decision I can live with for the rest of my life.

Perfect. This is exactly where you need to be. Explore your options, think, and try to make the best decision possible.

According to an online calculator I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant, my blood results should be ready Monday morning, so I'll know for sure how my HCG levels are... I'm very dizzy often and have some cramping (no doubt due to stress) so I'm a bit nervous.

HPT's are insanely accurate now. If you have taken three and got three positives...you are very likely pregnant. I can't see three false readings.

I'm also quite nervous about his behavior.. my friends are worried it might get dangerous and told me not to meet with him again unless it's in public.

No NEED to meet him anymore. You know what he will say.

And if you "HAVE" to talk to him, call him and record the call. Radio shack has very good and cheap recorders.

I don't know... I'm tempted to perhaps cut all ties with him even if I keep the baby.

Nope. The child DESERVES the CHANCE to know the father. Its not just about you anymore, you need to start thinking like a mother - because you ARE a mother. And the money issue - believe me, every bit helps. And if you are fortunate enough to not "need" the father's financial support, get it anyway and stick it college savings for your child.

Just because YOU don't want dad around doesn't mean the child won't be asking (I PROMISE you he/she will) - unless you are married to some great guy by then - I figure you have a few years, 5 tops.

July 31, 2010

Oh, I think she has grown up quite a bit. Ultimately the mother is the responsible party.

Since this is to be her decision, why should a manipulative man who is fighting for himself, be told more than that she is pregnant.

Right, because playing games is the best approach at this time and will lead to the best possible outcome!

July 31, 2010

Yeah but come on OWoman he married you. With no disrespect to Noelle this is totally different.

It's completely different - which was my point! MOST guys would act with honour in this situation, but Noelle's MM has shown he won't, or can't. He's unlikely even to honour a "private agreement" unless there's a gun at his head... If she does decide to keep it, she's on her own.

(Which, as others have pointed out, can be done. But knowing upfront that that's what you're choosing is important, rather than going into it with hope, and finding out later that you were wrong.)

Noelle it makes much more sense you didnt tell your parents. I suggest you dont unless you decide to keep the baby. If you decide not to keep it I suspect thats not something you will want to do. Unless of course you want your dad to turn MM into a stain anyway.

I suspect he's turning himself into a **** stain in his trousers himself, worrying about his W finding out...

But I agree with JJ on telling your parents. Unless you're wanting their advice on what to do, there's no point in telling them before you decide. You have enough pressure on you from BOTH sides here alone!

Good luck with the counselling appointment - I hope your decision feels right to you after that, whichever way you decide.

July 31, 2010

Tx I applaud you on your acheivements and agree with you anyone can do anything if they put their mind to it. However your situatoin is much different than Noelle's.

Noelle doesnt already have children, she doesnt have a 401k or rely on, even if she has a trust fund to rely on it different. She's 20.

No,

My 401(k) was quite small and ran out quickly. Already having one child I was supporting alone, was an additional difficulty, not a plus. My parents were much older than hers and low end of middle-class.

Noelle has younger, and what appears will be, supportive parents

Noelle's parents are most likely (lawyer) upper middle class

Noelle is younger and will have more energy for her one child than I had for my two.

Noelle has more education than I had which will make it more likely she will obtain her degree and have a much greater earning power.

July 31, 2010

Based upon what? He grabbed her arm. I doubt she has bruises she could show now, if she ever even had any. He yelled at her. My neighbor yelled at me for letting my Corgi chase his chickens. Has he said he is going to harm her if she doesn't have an abortion? No, he hasn't.

Technically, that's assault. The law takes a hard line on stuff like that for a reason...

I'm sorry, but I agree with Tara. Most women know what they are going to do within a short time of discovering they are pregnant. I don't mean to be insensitive, but this seems like a lot of drama, and LS is perpetuating that drama.

I beg to differ! I have counselled a great many women who have found themselves pregnant, and very few of them (even when raped) were instantly sure of what was "right". Pro-life propaganda, raging hormones, the trauma of discovering the pregnancy and the fear of making the wrong decision can keep women paralysed with fear sometimes until it's too late and the choice has been made for them by the passage of time.

This is not about "drama". It's about Noelle trying to make the best decision, and she's to be commended for that.

July 31, 2010

I am sure you are upset at his reaction, especially since you really thought he cared about you; but as you can see, he only cares about himself. HIS livelihood, HIS family finding out, etc. Goes to show you were his play thing and his marriage really isn't as bad as he made it out to be.

Do for yourself and no one else. Just make sure you don't do anything with revenge in your mind or to 'get him back' or anything like that. Focus on how this WILL change your life (if you keep the child).

Good luck to you.

Noelle,

From my own experience, I agree with fooledonce that you should make a decision based on what you really want. Nobody ever discusses the psych effects termination has. At the point of termination, there are countless reasons why one should do it. The minute one has recovered, one begins to think all sorts of things about that decision.

MMs are weird. They will believe in everything they tell you when they want you (that's why they are so convincing) and then act like real b**tards when the going gets tough. My H had an affair and then turned around when she got pregnant and acted like he never realized that his affair could have long lasting effects. He treated his OW just the way you've described and began to treat me with OTT affection. I heard about the OW from my friends and was devasted from the fact that he cheated and that he was so stupid as to NOT use protection. Let me tell you as a wife on the other end, your MM is someone you need to get rid of pronto because he not only used you but he has no regard for his wife and his children. As a wife who has been cheated on, I was pissed about the baby and the lack of protection. The OW and I are now "acquaintances", I can't call us friends. But she was duped just like I was. My H and I are heading for Divorce. All I ask is that you think about it and be sure what you want. Forget about what he wants.

July 31, 2010

I understand Tx and as I said before there are many women who find themselves in a positin where they are single parents. Its not easy but they do.

OWoman one thing you and I think many others are overlooking is that in some segments of American society (I cant speak to others) it is simply expected that (rightly or wrongly) a 20 year old in Noelles situation would not have the baby. And anyone who supported her in that would be seen as not caring about her future. Im not saying its right, I am simply saying its a point of view that is held by certain people.

There are loads of 19 year old boys who get women pregnant and want to "do the right thing" but in some communities that would be unheard of and there parents would do everything in their power to ensure that children changed their minds.

Its a question of what peoples values are and Noelle will know what values she holds and those her parents hold.

Of course yelling and screaming is never good and yes its a sign of immaturity but it happens in these things alot more than you would imagine where two people thought they were in love.

July 31, 2010

No, it doesn't. That's a childish and spiteful response, and this is not the time nor situation for her to be childish and spiteful. Escalating the drama is not going to help anything or anyone, especially Noelle.

Noelle - You said you wanted a calm, rational conversation with him, yet when you did meet him in the coffee shop, you decided to be stubborn and escalate the drama by being dishonest with him about what you were thinking and what you had done and were doing. Yes, he's being an ass by pressing what he wants, but at least he's being honest and very clear with you, while you sat there and just fed the drama. Why?

Did you seriously expect him to say he would support you if you wanted to have this baby and be happy about it? Just because you found out that your affair is just an affair and he wants nothing more than to keep this affair a secret from his wife and wants no part of a baby, doesn't mean you need to prolong the drama. Time to grow up, little girl.

My thoughts exactly. IMO, the OP is handling this like a jealous and spiteful 20-year old, not like an adult.

That is how it starts. On another board, a girl found herself in a similar situation and it started like this and ended with him threatening to kill her. A married guy who is determined to keep his life from blowing apart will lose it one notch at a time. Right now he thinks he still has a shot at manipulating her into an abortion. If he finds out that he will not be able to do that, and furthermore finds that he cannot manipulate her into a 'private arrangement' he may well lose his sh*t. Wouldn't be the first married guy to do so.

Better safe than sorry.

It's not grounds for a restraining order.

It's completely different - which was my point! MOST guys would act with honour in this situation, but Noelle's MM has shown he won't, or can't. He's unlikely even to honour a "private agreement" unless there's a gun at his head... If she does decide to keep it, she's on her own.

(Which, as others have pointed out, can be done. But knowing upfront that that's what you're choosing is important, rather than going into it with hope, and finding out later that you were wrong.)

I suspect he's turning himself into a **** stain in his trousers himself, worrying about his W finding out...

But I agree with JJ on telling your parents. Unless you're wanting their advice on what to do, there's no point in telling them before you decide. You have enough pressure on you from BOTH sides here alone!

Good luck with the counselling appointment - I hope your decision feels right to you after that, whichever way you decide.

This is about the silliest post I've read in awhile. He's acting EXACTLY like most slimebag cheating MM who have a wife and 2 kids would act if they found out the 20-year old they have been screwing for 5 months got pregnant.

I don't mean to insult you, OP. This is a situation I wouldnt wish on anybody. But it's time to wake up.

Edited July 31, 2010 by jthorne

July 31, 2010

OWoman one thing you and I think many others are overlooking is that in some segments of American society (I cant speak to others) it is simply expected that (rightly or wrongly) a 20 year old in Noelles situation would not have the baby. And anyone who supported her in that would be seen as not caring about her future. Im not saying its right, I am simply saying its a point of view that is held by certain people.

There are loads of 19 year old boys who get women pregnant and want to "do the right thing" but in some communities that would be unheard of and there parents would do everything in their power to ensure that children changed their minds.

Its a question of what peoples values are and Noelle will know what values she holds and those her parents hold.

One of my son's friends got his girlfriend pregnant when they were still at school. I was pretty horrified when he told me they were marrying and bringing up the kid, but now, years on, I have to admit I was wrong on that one. I've no idea how things will work out for them long term, but so far they've done fine. You never know, I guess.

That said, I've been a single mother - as Noelle would be, if she chose to keep it. And while I agree with those who've said it can be done, I also know that if I was in that position again, I would not hesitate to abort.

My kids are great and I love them, but given the choice - I would abort.

Values matter, sure - but what matters most is having as much knowledge as you can, to understand your options best, so that you can be at peace with whatever choice you make, knowing that it was the best you could have chosen.

Of course yelling and screaming is never good and yes its a sign of immaturity but it happens in these things alot more than you would imagine where two people thought they were in love.

Yelling and screaming is a sign of a lack of control, not necessarily immaturity. My concern is that this MM is so caught up in only thinking about himself in this that it has completely blinded him to any compassion towards Noelle. That is not someone to raise a child with. That is not even someone to get naked with. That is someone to avoid.

July 31, 2010

This is about the silliest post I've read in awhile. He's acting EXACTLY like most slimebag cheating MM who have a wife and 2 kids would act if they found out the 20-year old they have been screwing for 5 months got pregnant.

I guess the difference is that I have never had sex with a slimebag MM, but only with MMs that have honour and respect for the women they share their bodies with.

July 31, 2010

OWoman I think we are picking at straws here. He doesnt want anything to do with the baby, he wants her to abort hes not being supportive. His behavior is beyond not good due to the physical agression which leaves yelling and screaming in the dust.

July 31, 2010

Noelle,

I don't want to suggest you are in any danger from MM, but I think you should stay away from him for awhile. Tell him you haven't decided what you want to do and you will call him when you decide. You will sit and listen to his side of things at that time.

Hopefully this will diffuse his anxiety. He is in panic mode and that could lead him (anyone) to doing something terribly unexpected. Do not play games with this man.

If you think it necessary, tell him that your friends know that should anything happen to you they are to give his name to the police. It may sound extreme and I'm not trying to scare you but I believe statistics bear out that pregnant women are more likely to be victims of deadly crimes.

My family is quite conservative. When I became pregnant many years ago, I struggled with telling them. I knew in the month of September and, in fact, didn't tell them until after Christmas because I thought they would reject me, judge me, and I would spend the holidays alone. I was so wrong and silly. They were great and very loving.

Also, if any of the feedback on this thread is unwelcome and stress-producing, tell us. I think everyone will respect your wishes.

Best of luck -

July 31, 2010

I guess the difference is that I have never had sex with a slimebag MM, but only with MMs that have honour and respect for the women they share their bodies with.

That's wonderful for you OWoman, that you've led such a charmed life. It's obviously not the life that the OP (or anyone else I know for that matter) are dealing with.

I also doubt that you were 20 years old and only half-way through school when you had your pregnancy scare. You are due your opinion just like everyone else here, but I hardly see how your story is supportive to the OP's current situation.

July 31, 2010

Noelle,

I think you are way too young to burden yourself and your future with a child, let alone the child of an MM whose behaviour is lamentable to say the least. You have a brilliant future ahead of you, so many wonderful things are just waiting to happen, dreams to be fulfilled, goals to reach, life is yours for the taking, full of expectation and possibility. Why would you want to throw all that way? There's plenty of time to have kids when the time and person are right.

July 31, 2010

So as to not further participate in the LS drama that I mentioned previously, I would like to say this final word and then move on. A child is a lifetime commitment. Not just a commitment till they are 18; I don't know any good parent who abandons their kid at 18. They are yours for life. No one but you knows whether you are ready for that commitment. Most people worth their salt will not think any less of you for making the decision that is right for you, no matter what that decision is.

My advice to you is to get away from Loveshack. Get away from MM. Get away from your parents or anyone else that has an obvious bias. You go look within yourself to see if you can be a mom right now. I suspect you've already made your decision, but you're upset that MM didn't react the way you would have liked. That temporary disappointment is nothing upon which a lifetime decision should be made.

What's done is done. You can't make a future where there is none. You need to look within yourself and no one else. Pray if you think that will help. Whatever decision you make is final. Make sure its one you can live with forever.

Hopefully, you will use this experience as a teaching tool to become a better person.

July 31, 2010

I really think everyone's jumping to conclusions about the MM. A person's actions interpreted through print over a place like the internet hardly paints a unbiased picture about said person. That said, we really need to stop instilling probabilities and possibilities into the OP prompting her to think she's in any kind of trouble.

From what we know so far, MM's reaction the pregnancy is asking for an abortion but the tactics he's going about getting OP to agree is more forceful than had been expected. Typical MM response.

What can she do? The only thing she can. Lay low from the MM with limited contact only conducted in the presence of friends and/or family. She needs a sense of normalcy in her life which means less stress. She will continue to go to work, see OB GYN/ doctor, and make her decision on the child. She needs to avoid stressful thinking.

July 31, 2010

My advice to you is to get away from Loveshack. Get away from MM.

I agree with this part of your post.

The OP has not asked for advice on whether to continue the pregnancy or not. She asked for help with dealing with MM.

I do not get the personal need for posters to try to influence an outcome. This is a very personal decision. Noelle is obviously intelligent and knows what she is able to do. I think everyone should take a step back and remember that this is a person here who has a difficult decision to make and needs support and encouragement, not lectures or scare tactics.

Noelle, so sorry about MM. Be strong. You are doing as well as you can right now.

((HUGS))

July 31, 2010

OP, thank you for clarifying the issues regarding your parent's knowledge, as well as your state of pregnancy.

IMO, at this time, while you are in the determinative and decision process, it would be healthy to rely upon disinterested third party professionals for input, support, and education. Access those people in real life. I echo the suggestion, during this phase, to push back from LS and take what you've read here for what it's worth. I would also suggest, for the time-being, having no contact with MM.

This will work out and you will reach a healthy decision for you. Best wishes

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