Told MM about my pregnancy

July 31, 2010

And Noelle the fact that he stood in your way and you had to get away as someone passed by is alarming. DONT meet him again.

This is the part that also concerns me the most. I'm guessing that this guy is abusive and she doesn't know it yet. There's actually no question that he is because normal men don't act like this. I'll bet he's either verbally or physically abusive to his wife. These guys are hell-bent on control and manipulation and they don't take defeat very well. You're seeing these traits in him now. He's protecting his domain and doesn't want to own up to the fact that he played a huge part in causing this to happen. He absolutely does not want to have to tell his wife about this baby because, as I've said before, this will positively ruin his marriage. An affair is one thing but a child from an affair is a whole other ball of wax. Most wives cannot get past it.

But despite all that, noelle, please be very, very careful with this guy. I can't emphasize it enough. I have known men like this and it is very possible that he will do harm to you if he doesn't get his way. Do not make the mistake of underestimating him. I wish you luck in whatever you decide. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

July 31, 2010

Angel I agree that he is behaving like a ******* and his behavior is scary.

But I cant see many men rolling over and saying oh darling of course I will tell my wife and we will live happily ever after. Few if any.

The position he is taking is perfectly predictable. Yelling screaming questioning whehter it is his? All textbook out of the fertile MM handbook

Its the physical aggression that is alarming to me.

July 31, 2010

Angel I agree that he is behaving like a ******* and his behavior is scary.

But I cant see many men rolling over and saying oh darling of course I will tell my wife and we will live happily ever after. Few if any.

The position he is taking is perfectly predictable. Yelling screaming questioning whehter it is his? All textbook out of the fertile MM handbook

Its the physical aggression that is alarming to me.

I don't believe that most men would yell and scream - he would know that he's just as responsible as anyone and would know that the cat's out of the bag. But maybe I'm wrong. This is a man with the emotional maturity of a 2 yr old and the physical stuff is just icing on the cake. He's immature and dangerous.

July 31, 2010

I dont know I can only judge by my own experience and when I was in her position I got yelling and screaming and the guy wasnt even married. And his parents yelled and screamed at me as if Id done it myself "to him".

I dont think its that unusual. This guys life as he knows it is on the line. People get upset about those things.

You also have to remember who you are dealing with. In this guys life as Im guessing it is from what Noelle has posted, young woman in her position take care of these matters quietly and go on with their lives. For her to decide otherwise would be unusual.

So I am not excusing him in any way but everyone has their own experiences and in different communities different things are acceptable and others are not. In some communities not having the baby is unacceptable I suspect in Noelles world having it would rock everyones world beyond belief even if the guy wasnt married which is why I am surprised she told her parents.

Ironically Noelle is asserting her power by telling him that she is considering keeping it. And perhaps also asserting her independence from her parents. They might not believe in abortion but they might have preferred not to know if that ends up being her choice.

Noelle apologies for the threadjack.

Edited July 31, 2010 by jj33

July 31, 2010

OP, glad to hear your appointment went well. So we have a proper timeline, how long has it been since your last confirmed menstrual period? Six weeks or so?

Between now and your clinic appointment, if you have time, it might be helpful to read up on current information regarding the process of identifying a positive pregnancy and how abortion clinics operate wrt to procedures. Your clinic may have a local or national web site which can help you. That way you arrive prepared with cogent and topical questions and an understanding of terminology; an 'informed' patient.

At the point your contact with the clinic, as well as with your OB/GYN, confirms a viable pregnancy, that would be when I'd suggest you speak with your parents. Either way this goes, they're going to be part of it eventually and, IMO, since you are from a stable and loving home, it's healthier for them to be with you from the beginning. Even if you have kept this MM a secret from them, and continue to do so until you choose to disclose, their love, support and contacts can be beneficial. If they are against abortion and in conflict with your decision, then this will be a perfect time to show them the benefits you received from their parentage, in how to make an adult decision, justify it on your own terms, and disagree with them in good conscience. That's healthy.

I wish you well. Remember, one day at a time

July 31, 2010

Carhill she has already told her parents. And they are not amused.

July 31, 2010

I'm going to echo JJ here.

You are going to have to involve the police at this point. I know you don't want to but you HAVE to. His behavior is WAY beyond acceptable. In fact, he has already assaulted you once. He was forcibly preventing you from leaving - lucky those women happened by or who know what he might have done.

The time for hiding this and sneaking around is over.

Tell your parents. Its time to involve them.

Tell the police. Its time to involve them.

Look, have no sympathy for him. You have been reasonable. You tried to talk to him. You gave him the opportunity to "man up". You've tried to meet him half-way.

He's not having it. He's had his chances. Its time to ACT in YOUR (and the baby's) interest.

His violence towards will only escalate I fear. I think you already "know" if you're going to keep the child or not - time to walk that path.

You SAY you want to avoid drama - then avoid it. You do that by circling your wagons (friends and family) and getting this out in the open. By making a decision.

No matter what you decide with the baby (I hope you keep it) you MUST call the police. His ACTIONS, to me, warrant a visit by the boys in blue to his house. So he KNOW that CRAP won't be tolerated.

Domestic violence (that's this hun) is a silent crime - no one ever knows. Not this time ok?

July 31, 2010

JW shes told her parents.

No police a restraining order (as a threat not a real thing). He hears the word restraining order and he will go away.

You tell him I have told my father and he says if you come near me again then we will issue a restraining order.

The last thing she needs is police involvement and embarrassment and all of that the family wont want that.

The threat is enough.

July 31, 2010

Let me be the first to admit that I have not read every response to this thread, I have just skimmed a post here and there. I do not know all the details about what is going on, and what all the arguments are back and forth, but one thing I did notice is that the OP has been told that she will be providing less for her child if she chooses to raise it as a single parent.

Let me tell you about some single parents I know.

I know single mothers who work several jobs in order to provide shelter, food, clothing. They miss school plays and concerts, sporting events and prom nights. They miss out on taking the kids to amusment parks and spending lazy days at Chuckie Cheese because there usually isn't enough money left over at the end of the week to do it.

They come home tired and their kids stay up later than they should to get help with their math homework. They don't get to be the one to help the youngest wash her hair before bedtime and they often aren't there to remind all the kids to brush their teeth and say their prayers every night.

They get up three hours early in the morning so they can do laundry, wash the dishes and do the prepwork for the night's dinner that the oldest child will have to be the one to cook. They don't go out to clubs, they don't get to go to concerts with all of their friends. They take night classes or internet classes at college and sleep only a few hours a day because they haven't yet figured out how to bend the laws of physics in order to make the day last an additional 8 hours that they would need to get everything done.

They are often exhausted, scared, lonely, stressed and sometimes want to just run away from home and change their name to anything but "mom". (at least for a day or two)

They sometimes have to make choices like "Should I pay the whole electric bill, or just half this month?" so that they can get their children that new pair of stupidly expensive shoes that "everyone else" has.

They struggle, they cry, and they sometimes wonder if they will have the strength to get up the next day and do it all again.

---------------------------------------------

Now let me tell you about some kids I know being raised by single parents.

They are strong, independent and self-sufficient.

They know the value of a dollar. They know the value of hard work.

They know that life is what you make it, and they don't take it for granted.

They work hard to get good grades because they know if they want to go to college they have to earn their way there. They learn responsibilty, and respect; and they earn responsibilty and respect.

They do their chores (though sometimes grudgingly) and even oftentimes do more than what is expected of them.

They start warming up dinner ten minutes before mom is due home from work (at her second job) so that she has a hot meal waiting when she walks in the door. They bathe the youngest so that when mom gets home and crawls into bed next to her for that all important cuddle time, she smells clean and "sweet" like little girls should. They leave all the papers they need mom to read/sign on the same spot on the table each night so mom doesn't have to go looking for them.

They clean their rooms. they make their beds. they wash dishes, they take out the trash.

They love mom (or single dad) like no other, and will tell the world how much they love them.

They will thrive in a world that many children with many more physical (financial) comforts will fail, simply because they have learned by example the value of all that they have and will have.

Oh wait, I don't just know those people, I am that person; I am raising those people!!!!

To tell this OP that she is incapable of raising a child without the financial or physical support of any man (be he MM or single) is preposterous and insulting to all of us who do it everyday, and do it well!

Shame on those of you who are spewing such garbage and nonsense.

July 31, 2010

Noelle,

Please try not to leave work to go to your car, unless you are accompanied by someone. He is to never enter your home even if your roommate is there.

It looks to me that the only safe communication with him, his phone or email. Tell him he is not to ever again be there when you come or go from a location. If he argues with this, you may have to get a restraining order.

July 31, 2010

Carhill she has already told her parents. And they are not amused.

TBH, I looked back about 100 posts and saw nothing of her actually talking about her parents reactions, nor other posters talking about her parents reactions. She did make mention of her parents being 'conservative' but that's all I saw. Most of the talk has been about MM, which I find grossly unproductive. He's irrelevant.

July 31, 2010

I must have missed that post about the parents knowing.

I disagree about the police though. I think they need to be informed. I think a visit by them (and they will visit him) will be enough. No need for protective order now...and forget embarrassment, this guy has already assaulted her once and prevented her from leaving another.

I absolutely have zero tolerance for violence against women.

July 31, 2010

Fallen I agree with you. Single parents are heroe and I certainly hope I didnt cause offense to anyone with any of my comments. The question is does Noelle want to be a single parent.

July 31, 2010

OK, this is the most recent post I could find where the OP directly mentioned her parents:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2911990&postcount=49

My parents... They are not gonna support an abortion to be honest. And if that's the route I choose it will really dampen my relationship with them.

In the context of the post, where she mentioned disclosure to her friends but didn't clearly indicate disclosure to her parents, I presumed the negative, and saw no subsequent mention of 'parents' by her.

OP, if you're reading, can you clarify what you told them and *exactly* what their reaction has been? IMO, this is an important aspect to next steps.

July 31, 2010

I dont know I can only judge by my own experience and when I was in her position I got yelling and screaming and the guy wasnt even married. And his parents yelled and screamed at me as if Id done it myself "to him".

Not to sound mean or anything, but I think the only time a guy would act like this is when he has little or no feelings for the woman. I know a guy who's gf got pregnant. Before that, he was considering breaking up with her because she was too possessive of him. He ended up marrying her - big mistake because his life is a living hell now. But my point is, he didn't yell and scream at her. This is the behavior of a man who's out of control and has no deep feelings for the woman. Bad combo...

July 31, 2010

OP, glad to hear your appointment went well. So we have a proper timeline, how long has it been since your last confirmed menstrual period? Six weeks or so?

Between now and your clinic appointment, if you have time, it might be helpful to read up on current information regarding the process of identifying a positive pregnancy and how abortion clinics operate wrt to procedures. Your clinic may have a local or national web site which can help you. That way you arrive prepared with cogent and topical questions and an understanding of terminology; an 'informed' patient.

Boy, this is food for your soul, isn't it.

July 31, 2010

Yes, and I hope the OP makes a well-educated and informed decision. Knowledge is power and her 'soul' will help to guide her on the path.

July 31, 2010

Whoa! this is getting more alarming each time. Noelle, like I mentioned before be very careful. Your MM feels like there is no way out and he can do the unimaginable.

From what I can read, you are coming and going and pressing your luck with this guy. He's already showing signs of losing his temper very quickly. In one of those, he can toss you to a wall. This whole "I want to hold him by the balls till he turns blue" by making him think one thing can all be more harmful to you at the end.

Be aware of your surroundings till you go through with whatever your decision is. Best of luck!

July 31, 2010

Like FA, I've just skipped through the thread, but calling the police? Really? So he wants her to get an abortion and has made that abundantly clear. He's made no threat to her and her pregnancy. If she goes to the police now, what are they going to do? Tell her to come back when an actionable threat has been made.

She hasn't even decided whether to carry to term. If she decides and then he makes a threat, then she can go to the police if she feels she is in danger.

Sorry, but I think those of you that are trying to scare her over her safety are just as bad as those trying to scare her out of having an abortion.

You may be trying to help, but I don't think you are making the decision any easier for her.

Just my 2 and a half cents. Everybody have a great weekend.

July 31, 2010

I haven't yet told my parents, must have been a misunderstanding or something.

That another thing he went on and on and on, about my parents... how I will hurt them and they will be ashamed.

His manipulations are ridiculous. He is only saying it because he knows that once I do tell them, especially about the way he is treating me now my dad will make a blood stain out of him.

I mean, I understand that an abortion would be the easiest option for him and he is surprised I'm even thinking about the whole thing but I need to make a decision I can live with for the rest of my life.

It wasn't my intention to be spiteful when I didn't tell him about my appointment in the abortion clinic (ok, maybe a little), but I also knew that if he were to know that it would make him push abortion and play with my mind even more.

According to an online calculator I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant, my blood results should be ready Monday morning, so I'll know for sure how my HCG levels are... I'm very dizzy often and have some cramping (no doubt due to stress) so I'm a bit nervous.

I'm also quite nervous about his behavior.. my friends are worried it might get dangerous and told me not to meet with him again unless it's in public.

I don't know... I'm tempted to perhaps cut all ties with him even if I keep the baby.

July 31, 2010

Let me be the first to admit that I have not read every response to this thread, I have just skimmed a post here and there. I do not know all the details about what is going on, and what all the arguments are back and forth, but one thing I did notice is that the OP has been told that she will be providing less for her child if she chooses to raise it as a single parent.

Let me tell you about some single parents I know.

I know single mothers who work several jobs in order to provide shelter, food, clothing. They miss school plays and concerts, sporting events and prom nights. They miss out on taking the kids to amusment parks and spending lazy days at Chuckie Cheese because there usually isn't enough money left over at the end of the week to do it.

They come home tired and their kids stay up later than they should to get help with their math homework. They don't get to be the one to help the youngest wash her hair before bedtime and they often aren't there to remind all the kids to brush their teeth and say their prayers every night.

They get up three hours early in the morning so they can do laundry, wash the dishes and do the prepwork for the night's dinner that the oldest child will have to be the one to cook. They don't go out to clubs, they don't get to go to concerts with all of their friends. They take night classes or internet classes at college and sleep only a few hours a day because they haven't yet figured out how to bend the laws of physics in order to make the day last an additional 8 hours that they would need to get everything done.

They are often exhausted, scared, lonely, stressed and sometimes want to just run away from home and change their name to anything but "mom". (at least for a day or two)

They sometimes have to make choices like "Should I pay the whole electric bill, or just half this month?" so that they can get their children that new pair of stupidly expensive shoes that "everyone else" has.

They struggle, they cry, and they sometimes wonder if they will have the strength to get up the next day and do it all again.

---------------------------------------------

Now let me tell you about some kids I know being raised by single parents.

They are strong, independent and self-sufficient.

They know the value of a dollar. They know the value of hard work.

They know that life is what you make it, and they don't take it for granted.

They work hard to get good grades because they know if they want to go to college they have to earn their way there. They learn responsibilty, and respect; and they earn responsibilty and respect.

They do their chores (though sometimes grudgingly) and even oftentimes do more than what is expected of them.

They start warming up dinner ten minutes before mom is due home from work (at her second job) so that she has a hot meal waiting when she walks in the door. They bathe the youngest so that when mom gets home and crawls into bed next to her for that all important cuddle time, she smells clean and "sweet" like little girls should. They leave all the papers they need mom to read/sign on the same spot on the table each night so mom doesn't have to go looking for them.

They clean their rooms. they make their beds. they wash dishes, they take out the trash.

They love mom (or single dad) like no other, and will tell the world how much they love them.

They will thrive in a world that many children with many more physical (financial) comforts will fail, simply because they have learned by example the value of all that they have and will have.

Oh wait, I don't just know those people, I am that person; I am raising those people!!!!

To tell this OP that she is incapable of raising a child without the financial or physical support of any man (be he MM or single) is preposterous and insulting to all of us who do it everyday, and do it well!

Shame on those of you who are spewing such garbage and nonsense.

Awesome and admirable, FA. Thank you for your wisdom.

July 31, 2010

Noelle,

I'm greatful for your parents and with your father being an attorney.

As I mentioned in last post, it isn't a good idea to meet with him again and should you speak to him, be should be told to not be there in your comings and goings.

Put your feet up and get your nourishment, keep eating.

July 31, 2010

I haven't yet told my parents, must have been a misunderstanding or something.

That another thing he went on and on and on, about my parents... how I will hurt them and they will be ashamed.

His manipulations are ridiculous. He is only saying it because he knows that once I do tell them, especially about the way he is treating me now my dad will make a blood stain out of him.
I mean, I understand that an abortion would be the easiest option for him and he is surprised I'm even thinking about the whole thing but I need to make a decision I can live with for the rest of my life.

It wasn't my intention to be spiteful when I didn't tell him about my appointment in the abortion clinic (ok, maybe a little), but I also knew that if he were to know that it would make him push abortion and play with my mind even more.

According to an online calculator I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant, my blood results should be ready Monday morning, so I'll know for sure how my HCG levels are... I'm very dizzy often and have some cramping (no doubt due to stress) so I'm a bit nervous.

I'm also quite nervous about his behavior.. my friends are worried it might get dangerous and told me not to meet with him again unless it's in public.

I don't know... I'm tempted to perhaps cut all ties with him even if I keep the baby.

Don't be tempted...be sure. You have time to make a decision, but make sure it isn't out of spite or revenge. It is something you really and truly want. It is a lifetime commitment you have to be ready for. Stay as calm as possible and hydrated.

July 31, 2010

I don't know... I'm tempted to perhaps cut all ties with him even if I keep the baby.

Honestly, I'd be thinking restraining order at this point. It sounds like the more he feels backed into a corner, and the closer he comes to the reality of his wife finding out, the more dangerous he will be to you. Seriously, be careful.

July 31, 2010

Honestly, I'd be thinking restraining order at this point. It sounds like the more he feels backed into a corner, and the closer he comes to the reality of his wife finding out, the more dangerous he will be to you. Seriously, be careful.

Based upon what? He grabbed her arm. I doubt she has bruises she could show now, if she ever even had any. He yelled at her. My neighbor yelled at me for letting my Corgi chase his chickens. Has he said he is going to harm her if she doesn't have an abortion? No, he hasn't.

I'm sorry, but I agree with Tara. Most women know what they are going to do within a short time of discovering they are pregnant. I don't mean to be insensitive, but this seems like a lot of drama, and LS is perpetuating that drama.

Edited July 31, 2010 by jthorne

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