Told MM about my pregnancy

[scatterd]

You mentioned your friends and family will think of you different if you don't have this baby.I don't think they will feel different about you.Your the one thats life will totally change and will be working taking care of this child you need to dig in very deep and do what you want its not simple.This man already told you what he is about so hes not included.He is running for cover I bet he is a nervous wreak he should have kept his pants up if this is not what he wanted.Do what you think is best.

[Fieldsofgold]

Noelle please dont take false hope from that.

 

He may change his tone (from anger to darling please you know I cant be a father to this child)

 

But I think bet my life on the fact that pigs will fly before he would encourage you to keep it or be OK with that decision in ANY way.

 

DONT talk to him until you are 1000% sure.

 

I totally totally totally agree with this.

 

I am so sorry the meeting went the way it did. But sadly, I am not at all surprised.

 

I, too, believe that his next strategy will be to try to butter you up with love and affection and appeal to you to do what needs to be done to "protect him (MM)."

 

Please take care of YOU.

[jj33]

You're getting the wrong impression. I don't care for my relationship with him... however whether I like it or not, he's a big part of my future now.

 

The reason I would want a private arrangement is not because I want to please him. It's because I want to make my life less complicated.

I take him to court, he can seek out visitation rights for whatever reason... maybe even revenge. It brings along a whole new set of issues, resentment and whatever else.

 

The only other less complicated way would be to have the baby but cut all ties with him.

 

Anyway... it's just a toxic environment for a child. This whole situation. Whichever way you turn it... it's not right for it.[/QUOTE]

 

 

You may have your answer right there. Your parents are your parents. If you do decide to abort they will get over it in time and your friends will be there for you.

 

You need to really think this through.

[Fieldsofgold]

You know, this lovely young woman posted here because she needed support and advice on how to deal with telling the MM.

 

She did not ask us what she should do about the pregnancy. She will be talking to professionals, family and friends - people who actually know her and actually care about her and will be involved with her long-term - to help her make the right decision about the pregnancy.

 

We all offered our opinions, pro- and con- Abortion/Birth on the last thread, and got it locked down for her. For which I am truly sorry, because she needs our support.

 

For every wonderful abortion story there can be an equally wonderful "single parent" story, but that's is not what this thread is supposed to be about.

 

The "rabid" pro-lifers are being respectfully silent on the subject. (or maybe everyone just hasn't gotten home from work, or back from the latest sit-in yet?)

 

Nevertheless, this lady needs support with the topic at hand. Can we please keep our personal opinions about the right pregnancy decision to ourselves? Let's don't turn this into another pro/con free-for-all and get this thread locked down, too.

[jj33]

Fields I suppose you are talking about my post. I was simply responding to what Noelle posted. You dont have to agree but those are HER words I quoted.

[GreenEyedLady]

Noelle,

 

I'm so sorry he acted that way.

 

I know how you feel because I had an unwanted pregnancy with a single man I had known since I was in high school. He acted similarly saying I was lying that I was pregnant and if I was, it wasn't his. (It was definitely his.) He was not married, just a jerk.

 

There apparently are several playbooks out there and selfish men pick the appropriate one for the occasion. He acted like many men do when they find out their bed buddy is pregnant. It is very hurtful and damaging especially when what you really need is support and encouragement.

 

It happened to me a little over 6 years ago. It was particularly difficult for me but I have since remarried and am very happy. Life is full of hard decisions. Just make the best one for YOU.

 

((STRENGTH))

 

GEL

[Fieldsofgold]

Fields I suppose you are talking about my post. I was simply responding to what Noelle posted. You dont have to agree but those are HER words I quoted.

 

No, JJ, I was not addressing you. I was addressing the forum as a whole, for exactly the reasons I stated in my post. If I had been addressing anyone in particular, I would have addressed the post to him/her.

 

There was no offense intended to anyone.

[xpaperxcutx]

Okay, I'm gonna go with TaraM's comment that thinking about the baby is just going to be disastrous and a bad cloud over sound judgment, but if you really want what's best for the baby then you need legal protection.

 

First of all, private arrangements never work because it's not over legally abided by, he can renege on his promises and seek out legal advice to nullify the agreement.

 

Get a lawyer if you feel like that's the best way to protect your child's rights, but under no circumstances should you enter any type of agreement without at least prior knowledge.

 

Life 101

 

Whatever you do decide, know that if it's not abortion, based on his reactions he will fight you all the way. At least in the beginning he will go about it secretly without it spilling out into his social and private life. Eventually the wife will hear of the A through the grapevine. That's when you really have to brace yourself for the implosion that's going to sent into him raging and taking out the blame on you. Either way, it's going to be a hard road.

[StarChick]

Noelle, you've heard from all sides, the good, the bad, the ugly, etc. on your threads. I think you are heading in the right direction getting support and professional help. It seems you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and will know what's right for you in your heart.

 

Because of all these things, I really can't offer advice as to what to do or what not to do.

 

I just want to give you hugs and tell you that you're being heard. I wish you well in what ever decision you make. Take care of yourself.

 

*hugs*

[pureinheart]

So much for the rational conversation I was hoping for.

 

He came over, was in a really sweet mood, apologetic (due to our argument over a week ago and not speaking to each other).

At first he thought I was breaking the whole thing of. Then I went to the bathroom and came back with a positive test. For a moment he just stood there, in total shock. Then you could just see it all building up inside him...

 

He went on with the usual crap ''what?! are you joking?! how could this have happened?!''

 

Since I didn't like his tone and I flare up pretty easily I went a bit snarky at him and told him that an angel stopped by and brushed his wings against my face.

 

This may have ticked him further of and he got quite upset. Which in turn made me angry.

We got into a huge fight. He said he will go with me to get it sorted. I told him I'm not sure what I want to do.

He got upset, asked what do I mean by that, ofcourse I'm going to have an abortion.

We really got into an argument then, him telling me that this is his whole livelihood at stake and me replying that we were both reckless and now we have to deal with the consequnces.

He was getting really angry. We fought for like... an hour, hour and a half, I can't even estimate correctly, cause I was getting really upset. Especially at one point I yelled something and he grabbed my arm really hard so I pushed him away.

 

He left but has called me 5 minutes later, I didn't pick up, he called again and again. When I finally answered him he asked me whether I would take him to court, I said that I will talk with him after he has calmed down.

 

I got so stressed, my head was pounding like crazy and I was really dizzy. I threw up several times, and I had cramps.

 

It was horrible, I'm really sorry if this all sounds like dumb rambling.

 

But atleast I know where I stand in regards to him.

 

Hi Noelle,

 

I am really sorry MM is being uncool. I haven't had a chance to read the entire thread...BTW he should not have laid hands on you.

 

Just know there is lots of support for you and your baby. I didn't have the support that's out there today, in fact I had none, although did more than fine solo with my kids:D.

 

One thing at a time, one day at a time...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your baby:)...take care Noelle...I would tell you about different contacts for help, although don't want to get banned from LS...I'd say PM, although you don't have that feature yet.

[GordonDarkfoot]

The "oops I'm pregnant" gambit frequently comes with unexpected consequences.

 

In order to raise a child, if that's what you decide to do, you will have to become a completely unselfish, totally responsible person, basically devoting your life 24/7 to this child, certainly for the first few years of infancy and childhood. Most likely for the entire 18 years as you can't really expect much help from the father based on his reaction.

 

You're 20 now. If you go the route of single motherhood, you won't be coming out of that rabbit hole for another two decades. Your options in life will be severely limited.

 

Being a parent can be one of the most richly rewarding experiences that life offers, if one is ready for it. I wasn't at the age of 20 and most aren't at that age. Perhaps you are the exception. Make no mistate about the hard work, toil, and sacrifice that will be required of you. It will be all-consuming.

 

One option I did not see mentioned was to give birth and then give the child up for adoption.

 

It's your decision. Good luck.

[noelle303]

Ok, lots to reply.

First I want to stress that I do not want any further relationship with him. We are over, both in my eyes and his I believe.

 

The way we talked and treated each other the other day... it made me realize that it probably never even was love. Were there feelings? Yes. Was there infatuation? Definitely. But it was never love. And it's over, the bubble has been burst.

 

Seeking out a legal arrangment is, I agree, the safest option... however, it carries a lot of cons aswell.

As I said, either way I turn the tables, there's a whole bunch of cons.

 

 

Not to mention that these two can't even have a civil conversation about it. This does not bode well for future involvement with him with a child involved. The child will grow up with fighting, yelling parents - and don't kid yourself into thinking that things will change. Please don't do that to a kid. It's devastating.

 

Yes, exactly. Thats why I thought that maybe I could do it entirely by myself and cut him out of the picture completely.

But being financially and pshysically 100% responsible for another human being... no one can argue that it's just plain hard.

 

 

 

You're 20 now. If you go the route of single motherhood, you won't be coming out of that rabbit hole for another two decades. Your options in life will be severely limited.

 

One option I did not see mentioned was to give birth and then give the child up for adoption.

 

It's your decision. Good luck.

 

 

It was mentioned several times... I just believe I wouldn't be able to do that. It would affect every aspect of my life, from my studies to my job and the end result would be me leaving the hospital with empty hands.

 

 

 

Please do what is best for you and your baby .. Hopefully if you have your baby - just take it one step at a time.

 

 

 

Thanks. It's exactly how I run now.... one day at the time.

 

I have yet to talk to MM again. And I have my doctor's appointment now so I'll see where that leaves me.

I'll let you guys know how it went!

[LucreziaBorgia]

If you go out on your own with this make absolutely sure you talk to a lawyer about having MM sign off any and all parental rights, and having those records sealed. You don't want to have something popping up later in life like an unwelcome Jack in the Box.

 

As for being alone in this, you won't be. All of those people who disapprove now will likely melt when the baby comes along. It is easy to be negative toward a pregnant belly, but damn near impossible when you are looking into a baby's innocent face. You will likely have more support than you realize.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I wish the best of luck to you.

[norajane]

First I want to stress that I do not want any further relationship with him. We are over, both in my eyes and his I believe.

 

The way we talked and treated each other the other day... it made me realize that it probably never even was love. Were there feelings? Yes. Was there infatuation? Definitely. But it was never love. And it's over, the bubble has been burst.

 

Ugh. I so would not want to have that man's child! I wouldn't want to have a conversation with him, much less bear his child.

 

I guess it's to be expected that a MM who is just fooling around for "fun" wouldn't be remotely interested in a baby with OW. His reaction, though...damn, what a weasel.

 

If you're seriously thinking about having a baby (did you ever want to be a mother?), set aside the emotions of it and think practically.

 

- Look into your medical insurance and see what is and isn't covered as far as pre-natal care and childbirth go. And what you are covered for after the baby comes since there will be many visits for vaccinations and well-baby care.

 

- You said you were in school? Find out if your school has any sort of child care facilities so you could possibly continue your studies, if you can do that while being a new mom. It would be a shame to derail your education if you don't have to. Ultimately, that degree will help you have a better career, so think longer term if you can.

 

- Do you have a job, too? Find out what your maternity benefits are, how much time off you can take after the baby is born. It's usually not that much - 6-12 weeks, I think - so make sure you set up child care arrangements of some kind if you plan to continue working. You'll need to figure that child care part out long before you need it - there are waiting lists to get into good day care, and many won't take infants.

 

- Sit down, do some research, and make a real budget for the coming 9 months and the first year of the baby's life. You'd be surprised how quickly things like diapers and wet wipes and formula and baby food add up to real dollars. Add in medical expenses that insurance doesn't cover, child care costs, and of course,, include your own expenses on top of that for your budget. And your education costs if you plan to keep studying. And compare that to what you will receive if you work and get maternity benefits, and if you don't have a job. I think this will be an important exercise for you in deciding whether to go to court for child support.

 

- Keep in mind, child support isn't going to cover everything you need nor even all your child expenses, unless this guy is very well off, so you will need an additional source of income of some kind, too. See a lawyer (and factor in those costs!) and find out what you might reasonably expect as child support, depending on MM's income and current financial obligations.

 

My point is, if you really want to be a mother, then PLAN ahead of time as best as you can so you can have the best start.

Edited July 30, 2010 by norajane

[Jilly Bean]

You are 20-years old, correct?

 

Well, keep in mind that if you pursue this with MM, he and his wife could very well turn this around on you, and sue for full custody, citing your age, education, work options and living conditions to be lesser than theirs, and that they are in a position to provide a better quality of life for the child. They very well have the money and legal power to fight this, and win.

 

Keep that in mind as well...

[Jilly Bean]

And did I read correctly on your other thread?

 

That the night you found out you were pregnant, you went out and got drunk?

 

Oh, my.

[Mimolicious]

You are 20-years old, correct?

 

Well, keep in mind that if you pursue this with MM, he and his wife could very well turn this around on you, and sue for full custody, citing your age, education, work options and living conditions to be lesser than theirs, and that they are in a position to provide a better quality of life for the child. They very well have the money and legal power to fight this, and win.

 

Keep that in mind as well...

 

You will have to be a crackhead to lose custody of your child, JB. It's not that simple as to tell a judge "we have the white picket fence" and whaalah! full custody granted. Child custody laws differ from state to state but it is very very hard for this scenario to play out as you mentioned. I want to say, they can most likely very much start with lunch at the "child support" agency before getting to this.

[RedDevil66]

And did I read correctly on your other thread?

 

That the night you found out you were pregnant, you went out and got drunk?

 

Oh, my.

 

Sh*t happens, nothing wrong with getting drunk while a few days preggies.

Besides, check out all the unhealthy mothers who down mcd's, ice cream, sods and smoke while preggies.

 

She made a mistake, she acknowledged it and it's over, The end!

[Jilly Bean]

You will have to be a crackhead to lose custody of your child, JB. It's not that simple as to tell a judge "we have the white picket fence" and whaalah! full custody granted. Child custody laws differ from state to state but it is very very hard for this scenario to play out as you mentioned. I want to say, they can most likely very much start with lunch at the "child support" agency before getting to this.

 

Not true at all.

 

He gets a smart and aggressive attorney who portrays the OP as a 20-year old student with no education, and no means to support a child, who is out partying all the time and an unfit mother, and voila - she's lost the kid.

 

She won't have the money for a legal defense, so a few good examples of her being unfit from him, and she's granted visitation as it's in the best interest OF THE CHILD.

[Jilly Bean]

Sh*t happens, nothing wrong with getting drunk while a few days preggies.

 

Oh, so you're advocating drinking while pregnant? Charming... lol

[desertIslandCactus]

I have read both threads.

 

The only question I recall being asking by Noelle in the beginning posts is: Did anyone ever have a child conceived in an affair?

 

I have not seen any testimony of that sort on here . Just continuous worst case scenerios of discouragement, and prideful abortions.

 

Noelle, listen to your heart, not these hardened hearts, most of which seem to be just voices of discouragement and doom.

 

As another poster has said, just take it one day at a time. That is all any parent can do when raising their child. It is meant to be.

[RedDevil66]

Oh, so you're advocating drinking while pregnant? Charming... lol

 

that's not what I said now is it!

 

yes, I'm a naturopath and I am advocating all pregnant women drink!

 

Don't be foolish and read what I said

[RedDevil66]

I have read both threads.

 

The only question I recall being asking by Noelle in the beginning posts is: Did anyone ever have a child conceived in an affair?

 

I have not seen any testimony of that sort on here . Just continuous worst case scenerios of discouragement, and prideful abortions.

 

Noelle, listen to your heart, not these hardened hearts, most of which seem to be just voices of discouragement and doom.

 

As another poster has said, just take it one day at a time. That is all any parent can do when raising their child. It is meant to be.

 

maybe you should have the courage to post under your usual username

[Mimolicious]

Not true at all.

 

He gets a smart and aggressive attorney who portrays the OP as a 20-year old student with no education, and no means to support a child, who is out partying all the time and an unfit mother, and voila - she's lost the kid.

 

She won't have the money for a legal defense, so a few good examples of her being unfit from him, and she's granted visitation as it's in the best interest OF THE CHILD.

 

 

Sorry hone but to be 'portrayed' as such one has to give reasons. Are you assuming that the OP is the 20 yr old with no education, financial means, out partying all the time, and will be an unfit mother?

As aggressive and smart an attorney may be, if there is no actual evidence of such behavior his case can't wont hold off much in court. Don't mislead someone in a situation like this with painting a drastic scenario. If this is not the type of person she is, why would she have to worry about a judge taking her child away because she is unfit?

 

There are thousands of resources for single parents who are trying to do the right thing. It takes a lot of "unfit" evidence for a child to be removed from his/her mother.

[norajane]

As another poster has said, just take it one day at a time. That is all any parent can do when raising their child. It is meant to be.

 

One day at a time? Please. One day at a time gets you to "gee, i have no money, no child care, no child support, no education, no medical care, and a child with colic and no emotional or capable support."

 

You can't do one day at a time with a child. It requires planning and preparation, and an 18 year commitment.