Told MM about my pregnancy

[2sure]

Also, his wife is going to need everything legally documented because they also have children together.

[noelle303]

Yeah, but a private agreement would be in his best interest no?

 

If I decide to have the baby, we can make a plan, between us for him to own up to his financial responsibilities.

If he bails then I take him to court.

[carhill]

OP, sorry to hear of your issues with this disclosure. My advice would be to take some quiet time to reflect, gain support from a few trusted friends, seek out a counselor for unbiased discourse, and, if you then make a decision to carry to term, seek legal counsel to gain knowledge of your rights and responsibilities under the law. At that point, if/when you seek legal counsel, I would bring parents on-board. IME, they can be quite an asset. You're an adult; you're making an adult decision. Parents have life experience and contacts in the community, which can be a great asset at this time. Avail yourself of it. Best wishes

[RedDevil66]

Again, I'm with JJ33 on this one. I'm 44 and had an abortion when I was 21 and when I was 35. I didn't regret either of them. I'm a realist and realized I was not removing anything but a bunch of cells. Of course, if there was a baby formed, I would not have had an abortion.

Having said that, I'm all for either choice you make. But I will also say this about abortion.

The second time I got preggies (yes I was using protection both times), I was dating this guy for about 3 months.

I told him I got preggies and he wanted me to have it. Was not going to happen.

I regretting telling him since he contacted a lawyer and tried to stop the abortion.

He was too slow, I called my gyno, told her about this freak and she gave me the abortion the following morning.

 

Think REALLY hard about your choice. If he wants to be a real douche, he can try to do the same just to get you back, but more than likely, he will be relieved if you abort.

 

There is NOTHING special about bringing an unwanted soul into this already hard world.

 

I would also suggest you stop all contact with this guy and give yourself a good chance at a happy/healthy life.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah, but a private agreement would be in his best interest no?

 

If I decide to have the baby, we can make a plan, between us for him to own up to his financial responsibilities.

If he bails then I take him to court.

No, you're not getting it.

Go the legal route from day one.

He might be willing, his wife might put a spanner in the works and prevent him from honouring his agreement....

Pre-empt any possible hurdles by doing it right first time, from the first.

[Spark1111]

Yeah, but a private agreement would be in his best interest no?

 

If I decide to have the baby, we can make a plan, between us for him to own up to his financial responsibilities.

If he bails then I take him to court.

 

To have a binding agreement, private or not, will he agree to DNA testing?

 

Because that would be necessary, if not now than later in the event he does not own up to a private contract.

 

Whatever you decide.....

[CrayonAngel]

Why are you worried about whats in his best interest?

YOU need to take care of YOU. Quit playing games..it's only going to make things worse. Answer his calls and tell him that if he's calmed down then you will speak to him. If he says no..then simply say goodbye. You made an adult decision to be where you are right now so you both need to act like adults. Screaming isn't going to do anything but stress you out. sit down and talk. and fellow posters..did you not get it in the last thread?!? Quit trying to push ur pro-choice/pro-life decisions down her throat! She stated once that she didn't want to hear it. We are here for support and advice..

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry, haven't read the other thread.

Like I said, the decision whatever she does, should be influenced by what she wants, not what she thinks she ought to do.

And judging by her comments here, she's considering keeping it....

[carhill]

OP, I presume you are yet to decide the course of this pregnancy. Is that right? My prior post outlined a methodology of steps. IMO, it's critical you focus on the process one step at a time and one day at a time, irrespective of MM. He's background noise right now. Ignore it.

 

Focus on your decision-making process. Are you going to carry to term? Parent? Place? Terminate? Work through that first. A pregnancy counselor and/or your OB/GYN can advise you as to a timeframe for making your decisions and what the relative risks/benefits are. This may seem overwhelming, but it's not. Each day is new and it's long. One positive step per day. Focus on that.

[joey66]

He might change his tune after he's had time to think it through.

 

Noelle please dont take false hope from that.

 

He may change his tone (from anger to darling please you know I cant be a father to this child)

 

But I think bet my life on the fact that pigs will fly before he would encourage you to keep it or be OK with that decision in ANY way.

 

DONT talk to him until you are 1000% sure.

 

Not trying to suggest that he'll change his mind. Only that, as bentnotbroken said much better than I did, don't decide anything while you, and he, are so emotional.

 

Still wishing you the best.

[2sure]

No, you're not getting it.

Go the legal route from day one.

 

This is going to sound harsh, but it isnt meant to at all:

Thinking you can keep this child, like your affair, a secret between the two of you, is beyond unrealistic. Beyond unfair to the child who will one day be a teen, an adult. Also nearly impossible.

 

Besides that, there are many many circumstances I can think of off the top of my head - beyond your control, that will require legal documentation of the parentage of your child. Medical reasons, insurance reasons, what if something happens to you, what if he is unable or unwilling to support your child, college tuition, etc etc.

 

Get a reality check from your friends and family that have children

[donnamaybe]

But basicly I found out where I stand... like, if I decide to keep the baby, it will basicly be court orders and drama and yelling.

It doesn't have to be that way - not for you. There will probably be plenty of yelling around HIS household, and rightfully so. But if he tries to harass you in any way throughout this situation, you get a restraining order. Plain and simple. He deals with the court issues with your LAWYER ONLY and does not deal with you directly. End of story.

 

Be strong.

[noelle303]

I have no idea what I'm gonna do yet. As you guys said (and I agreed), I won't be making decision beofre we both calm down and take a breather. And before I go see my gyn and talk to a professional.

 

Damn it... Only now I realize that I was actually counting on a normal conversation with him yesterday.

 

Donna, I wish that it would be like that. But if I go through courts, he has the ability to seek out visitation. And a whole other set of problems can arise from there... I know it is a horrible mess and it has the potential to be even a bigger mess. So thats why I would like to deal with it quitely. But as 2sure said, thats not fair on the baby.

 

I'm thinking it's not fair to bring a child in this situation, it's basicly a big messy time bomb waiting to explode.

[whichwayisup]

No, you're not getting it.

Go the legal route from day one.

 

This is going to sound harsh, but it isnt meant to at all:

Thinking you can keep this child, like your affair, a secret between the two of you, is beyond unrealistic. Beyond unfair to the child who will one day be a teen, an adult. Also nearly impossible.

 

Besides that, there are many many circumstances I can think of off the top of my head - beyond your control, that will require legal documentation of the parentage of your child. Medical reasons, insurance reasons, what if something happens to you, what if he is unable or unwilling to support your child, college tuition, etc etc.

 

Get a reality check from your friends and family that have children

 

I agree. There's no way his wife ISN'T going to find out. She will..

 

Protect yourself and do what is best for YOU. And, don't hold any hope that he is going to hold your hand and be there throughout the pregnancy, or leave his wife and children for you. Get rid of that hope now, so you can enjoy your pregnancy and not think about him and if he'll be around.

[Mimolicious]

(((HUG))) Oh N303 I am sorry that you have to deal with this. What an absolute loser!

 

...and make sure that whatever you decide, it's absolutely 100% exactly because it's what you WANT to do.

Not because it's something you OUGHT to do.

 

Whatever - you decide.

 

YOU - are in charge of you.

nobody else.

This is for you to decide and see through, and whatever it takes, whatever you decide, it must be because you are completely comfortable with that decision.

 

I agree with Tara. On the flip-side whatever decision you make try to be rational about it. Sometimes us women do things thinking that we are going to punish the other person or get even with them, by stiffing them like they did to us. Many women make the mistake of having a child from a father that didn't want to be supportive and at the end, they are the ones that really have to deal with the issue alone.

 

Him paying CS is inevitable, not really his choice if it came to that.

 

Keep strong and keep the faith. You will find the answer in your heart.

[lolapalooza]

Seeking a private arrangement is not only unrealistic, it's just wrong on so many levels. For the baby, and for the MM's wife.

 

Are you willing to take care of the child without financial help from MM, and to lie to the kid about his father? Because that's about the only way the wife will never find out.

 

What are you going to do when the kid turns 18 and decides to find his daddy and half-siblings?

 

How do you know that your parents will not seek out MM? How do you know they won't contact the W? How do you know your friends won't?

[TaraMaiden]

I have no idea what I'm gonna do yet. As you guys said (and I agreed), I won't be making decision beofre we both calm down and take a breather. And before I go see my gyn and talk to a professional.

think that's a good decision, although in my personal experience, people make this decision, subconsciously, before they've even realised it....

But don't cut him off now. if he wants to talk to you - let him.

it will at least show whether it was just a knee-jerk reaction, or whether he's really the jerk....

 

Damn it... Only now I realize that I was actually counting on a normal conversation with him yesterday.

Define 'normal', in these circumstances....! Telling your married secret lover you're pregnant is never going to be 'normal', is it?

 

Donna, I wish that it would be like that. But if I go through courts, he has the ability to seek out visitation.

Judging by his reaction when you told him - and assuming, (which is presumptuous) that it was the real him - what makes you think he's going to want to even see the child, let alone seek visitation?

 

And a whole other set of problems can arise from there... I know it is a horrible mess and it has the potential to be even a bigger mess. So thats why I would like to deal with it quitely. But as 2sure said, thats not fair on the baby.

I always find it amazing that one moment of passion can bring with it such huge megatron-dimensional problems in its wake...I feel for you, and don't envy your position. I'm so sorry you have this to deal with now....

 

I'm thinking it's not fair to bring a child in this situation, it's basicly a big messy time bomb waiting to explode.

Wait until you talk to him.

See what input he gives you, once you're both calmer.

I wish you well, whatever you decide.

And we're here for you....

[IfWishesWereHorses]

OK, THIS is what I was afraid of. Yesterday you said that you are not one to take well to people telling you what to do, and I have a young adult daughter who is the same. I was certainly affraid that when he told you to abort that it would spin you in other direction. The other thing I am affraid of is that he might retaliate some way. That he may harm you. HE IS GOING NUTS RIGHT NOW. Married men want affairs, not children from another woman, and not to have their life pulled out from under them. The more you ignore his calls the more desparate he is going to get, and we know by the nature of your relationship that he's not a great guy. He's very selfish and looks out for number one and he's also a risk taker.

 

You are right about considering that if you accept help from him that he will have visitation rights, that's part of the MANY things that go into play. This is why you need some adult (one who has been making adult decisions for many years) who has your best interest at heart, to sort this out with you.

 

There is a ton to consider. And being a 20 year old girl, means you are most likely pretty reactive, and right now, you need the help of someone who is not. Also, wouldn't it be nice to have a mom to help you when your heart is also breaking. Parents are a lot stronger than you might believe. I know you said that yours where pretty conservative and I wonder if that might have pushed you somewhat toward having a relationship with a man who has a wife and family.

 

YOu know that old saying, "where ever you go, there you are." Its time to start making the "right" decisions for yourself for your FUTURE, no one can do that for you and unless you decide to bring this child into the world then your mistakes hurt only you.

 

Good Luck, I hope your appointment goes well. I'm thankful that you have a woman gyn, I think that will make it easier for you two to relate.

[lolapalooza]

Why do I get the feeling you are trying to make the decision to make him beholden to you?

Beholden to you if you have the child. Beholden to you if you agree to keep it quiet. Beholden to you if you do him the favor of terminating...

[jwi71]

I have no idea what I'm gonna do yet. As you guys said (and I agreed), I won't be making decision beofre we both calm down and take a breather. And before I go see my gyn and talk to a professional.

 

Damn it... Only now I realize that I was actually counting on a normal conversation with him yesterday.

 

Donna, I wish that it would be like that. But if I go through courts, he has the ability to seek out visitation. And a whole other set of problems can arise from there... I know it is a horrible mess and it has the potential to be even a bigger mess. So thats why I would like to deal with it quitely. But as 2sure said, thats not fair on the baby.

 

I'm thinking it's not fair to bring a child in this situation, it's basicly a big messy time bomb waiting to explode.

 

Wow...please don't take this the wrong way but your age is showing.

Ok, explain to me how he goes from yesterday and wanting to abort to wanting visitation? Do you see the disconnect here?

 

Now, to address your point. As the FATHER he HAS the RIGHT to visitation should he choose. Hell, if I were you, I would demand he take the child for visitation because the CHILD DESERVES TO KNOW HIS/HER father - and half-siblings.... You need to, provided you keep the child, to put his or her needs above all else. I know its hard to do now (the child is still "not real" to you). You have NO right to deny the father access. None. Being a lousy husband does NOT mean he is a lousy father.

 

And, tbh, you're going to want a break from being mom - this is true of every parent. And a weekend with the child's father is a welcome relief - you're gonna have to take that on faith.

 

Drama? Courts? Not really. Its not as bad as you fear. Child support, in my state, is garnished. Yup, comes straight out of his check to a state fund which then sends it to you. No drama there. And, once proven he IS the father...the judge will have no problem ordering the support - he has NO basis for appeal. You are proven the father (via DNA) you pay. Or go to jail. Worried about them calling and harassing you? Protective order.

 

Your daily life will be that of most single moms (and dads). NO real drama.

 

And, do this in the courts. Forget anything "unofficial". HE wants this so he can keep you and his love child a dirty little secret. It also allows him to alter it as HE sees fit. What will you do when he says he cannot afford to pay what he agreed - he can only pay half? What if he just stops paying? This is an invitation to drama. The courts and legal binding orders of support have teeth. I mean, real teeth. Like throw you in jail teeth. Like demand your tax returns teeth to prove altered financial conditions.

 

24 hours is enough time for him to calm down. Talk to him.

 

You'll find his tone will be different but not the message.

-I can't have this child

-Get an abortion

 

He wants that so he keep his A a secret. No other reason. He'll offer several I'm sure and if you pay attention each will be about HIM.

 

Why haven't you told your parents yet?

Or friends?

Why have either if you cannot turn to them in times of need?

[cavedweller]

303,

 

A private agreement will not work..(who gives a **** about his marriage or family)

 

If you decide to have the baby...Go to court and make it legal..Think about the welfare of the child..

[Mimolicious]

 

I'm thinking it's not fair to bring a child in this situation, it's basicly a big messy time bomb waiting to explode.

 

The bomb is really going to explode when his W finds out (if it gets to that). You have no idea how this person is going to handle the fact that basically an intruder has disrupted her life. Sorry, this is the way she will most likely see it and wont only blame her H for being such a POS.

[noelle303]

Why do I get the feeling you are trying to make the decision to make him beholden to you?

Beholden to you if you have the child. Beholden to you if you agree to keep it quiet. Beholden to you if you do him the favor of terminating...

 

 

You're getting the wrong impression. I don't care for my relationship with him... however whether I like it or not, he's a big part of my future now.

 

The reason I would want a private arrangement is not because I want to please him. It's because I want to make my life less complicated.

I take him to court, he can seek out visitation rights for whatever reason... maybe even revenge. It brings along a whole new set of issues, resentment and whatever else.

 

The only other less complicated way would be to have the baby but cut all ties with him.

 

 

Anyway... it's just a toxic environment for a child. This whole situation. Whichever way you turn it... it's not right for it.

[noelle303]

 

Why haven't you told your parents yet?

Or friends?

Why have either if you cannot turn to them in times of need?

 

I have told my friends, they know. My parents... They are not gonna support an abortion to be honest. And if thats the route I choose it will really dampen my relationship with them.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The reason I would want a private arrangement is not because I want to please him. It's because I want to make my life less complicated.

I take him to court, he can seek out visitation rights for whatever reason... maybe even revenge. It brings along a whole new set of issues, resentment and whatever else.

 

He can do that anyway, honey. Anytime he chooses. He could take YOU to court if he chooses and fight for significant visitation times or even custody. Its doubtful, but he can. Also, you child will have grandparents, half siblings, aunts, uncles, cousin's ect... that you do not even know.

 

The point is that there are TONS of things to take into consideration, none of them insurmountable, and its done more than you can imagine, but you need all the facts before you make your decision.