bubtherug Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) Guess I'll be honest. I've been keeping this in for over a year now. I was too embarrassed to even post this on a message board. With her for 4 years (we're 25 now), she told me she was christian and wanted to wait. I'm an idiot and loved her. Both of us were virgins. She'd lead me on for years saying she was "Almost ready" all the time, keeping me on the leash. We were going to get married. After all this time, she throws me to the wolves and gives herself to a 40 year old immediately (they don't wait). I feel even now so devastated, 25 year old virgin, and after putting so much effort just for that 1 person, I like my sex drive has completely died since then. Over a year now The feeling of humiliation and inadequacy, as if It's not worth it anymore. I talk to women and there's nothing anymore. I don't know what I can read here. But any opinion or advice would be appreciated. Thank you. Edited July 29, 2010 by bubtherug
fresco Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Guess I'll be honest. I've been keeping this in for over a year now. I was too embarrassed to even post this on a message board. With her for 4 years (we're 25 now), she told me she was christian and wanted to wait. I'm an idiot and loved her. Both of us were virgins. She'd lead me on saying she was "Almost ready", keeping me on the leash (as her friends even would admit). After all this time, she throws me to the wolves and gives herself to a 40 year old immediately (they don't wait). I feel even now so devastated, 25 year old virgin, and after putting so much effort just for that 1 person, I like my sex drive has completely died since then. Over a year now The feeling of humiliation and inadequacy....as if It's not worth it anymore. I talk to women and there's nothing anymore. I don't know what I can read here. But any opinion or advice would be appreciated. Thank you. That is really sad man and messed up as well. I have to ask are you sure she was a virgin in the first place? She could have been lying to you, thats the only way this makes sense. I feel your pain dude
Author bubtherug Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 She definitely was... and thanks mate.
GrayClouds Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Guess I'll be honest. I've been keeping this in for over a year now. I was too embarrassed to even post this on a message board. With her for 4 years (we're 25 now), she told me she was christian and wanted to wait. I'm an idiot and loved her. Both of us were virgins. She'd lead me on for years saying she was "Almost ready" all the time, keeping me on the leash. We were going to get married. After all this time, she throws me to the wolves and gives herself to a 40 year old immediately (they don't wait). I feel even now so devastated, 25 year old virgin, and after putting so much effort just for that 1 person, I like my sex drive has completely died since then. Over a year now The feeling of humiliation and inadequacy, as if It's not worth it anymore. I talk to women and there's nothing anymore. I don't know what I can read here. But any opinion or advice would be appreciated. Thank you. Stop, I know it is hard but you have to understand this is about her not you. What this says about you was that you were a good respectful guy. That why still being a horny young guy, you valued things like love and commitment. That you was already wise enough to understand that sex was a refection of intimacy rather then a means to it. Sadly you she did not value or have the depth as you did, and lied to you. People act like she did because of there own inadequacy do not let her push hers of on you to hold now. Something like this hit the self esteem, so it is important you start building on it. I suggest spending some time in the gym, nothing like building up to remind yourself the stud you are. Pick up the book No More Mr Nice Guy to help how to balance the find line of being kind and being to nice, learning some healthy boundaries. Jump into some old hobbies and pick up some new ones. Go out and volunteer. The more you remind yourself the things that you like about yourself the less this issue will effect you. You got burned, no different then all the other guy out there who EX cheated on them. It feel like **** for a bit, but sooner or later they understand it is about the other person not them. Same is true here.
Heatemyheart89 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Its about her dude seriously ! Sorry to hear your feeling bad but don't take it so personally. Things change she's obviously changed.Chin up!
McGrupp Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 you know ive mulled this over for a bit how whats advice to give this because this is very tough. so I think what you have to do here is be thankful. and I'll explain why. being with someone in a sexual way, and then seeing that person with someone else is very very painful. as guys we think about that stuff almost more then anything now i have no idea whats going through your head buts its obviously lots of anger. but i think you should be thankful because you dont know what your missing. not to mention she probably sucks at sex. so 2 things: forgive her, and forgive yourself. you didnt know what would happen. your time wasnt wasted, you learned a great deal. i hope you've gone NC, and i also hope you start living your life and find someone WHO DOES WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. i know that probably whats so hard, is if your still a virgin, you blame her for you being in that spot. i say go out now and find a woman to share your first time with.
Jilly Bean Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Bub - this all happened over a year ago. Why are you still so stuck and blaming her? You dated, you broke up, and she moved on to someone else. That should have been the end of it right there for you. I'm just concerned you're still so attached to this after a year, and kinda blaming her for you still being a virgin. Why haven't you been able to move on and date someone new?
paleblue Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Try not to beat yourself up too much. You should be very proud of yourself that you have a lot of faith and integrity to offer to someone. You are a good person. And you were deceived by a deceiver. She isnt the right one for you and tricked you. And unfortunately you were strung along and hurt in the meantime. It happens to all of us. Do not, I repeat, Do Not let one persons deceipt ruin for you, finding your true destiny with the right person. This was just a stepping stone towards the right path for you. Maybe the universe wanted you to learn something from all this, who knows. But I am sure if you ever run into that again you will recognize the warning signs. I am of the opinion if there is not Immediate AND Sustained interest, than do not invest too much emotion in that person. Its there actions, NOT words we need to pay attention too. Let me tell you a quick story my friend, kinda similar to yours. I have been talking to this girl for over a year now. She says the same thing, well, when I feel ready.. I am interested.. I just need time….. She s or was trying to string me along while she thinks or decides who knows what. She tells me she makes all her guys wait a couple years before there’s more to things. It is suuuuch a load of crap. Its either there, or isnt with someone. Period. I don’t care what ANYONE has to say contrary to that. I have told her that as well. Now when I tell her I am going on a date she acts like she is there all of the sudden. Then when they are gone, her interest dies down again. It is soo ridiculous. People are either interested in you, or they are not. There is no inbetween. And if there is a level of interest, but just not enough to get involved, than it might as well be a NO and move on. This girl thinks she is stringing me along, but I am not waiting. In fact I have been on several dates since Ive known her. And in fact this Saturday I am going to meet up with an old high school flame I haven’t seen in 20 years. She is single, I am single. hey, what do I have to lose?? : ) I sure am not being shown the interest that what’s her name says she has. So screw it. After awhile you just get sick and tired of peoples BS. and you recognize it sooner than later as time goes on. Hang in there. My suggestion to you now is too starting learning to think about yourself and other things in your life besides her. train yourself to start thinking about different things other than her. Expose yourself to new things and start thinking about new things. You have to learn to start learning to let go and not stay so fixated on this. Its not healthy. And you are missing out. What if the right girl is right around the corner for you?? and you are too busy holding the torch for the wrong person?? now that would suck! It might be that you have to go at your own pace, and that’s fine, but do it you must. Whether you like it or not. Force yourself to go out. Retrain yourself. Expel the toxins from your system.
LoveTruthChaos Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 being with someone in a sexual way, and then seeing that person with someone else is very very painful. YES. It is. Especially when you gave your virginity to them, and then they leave you for someone else. Good fun. Well, that's my story
WintersNightTraveler Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I don't know what I can read here. But any opinion or advice would be appreciated. Thank you. As far as she goes, try to see it as dodging a bullet. What a bitch. So at least you didn't marry her, and then something like this happening would be even worse. As far as advice, don't ever let sex be a game or bargaining chip again. Be prepared to walk away immediately if game playing along these lines ever happens again. People will arbitrarily pick some number of months or years as an acceptable amount of time to wait, but that's nonsense, really it's up to you, and as soon as you feel that you are being strung along, it's time to sex up or walk out.
Rifareal Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Why would she do such a thing? Whatever the reason it is not justifiable. Go on man with your life don't give up on loving that girl really doesn't deserve a guy like you.
Author bubtherug Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Guys. I want to express all the gratitude in the world for each of these responses. You know it absolutely is a learning experience for all of us. I know it's made me a better person. Believe me when I say that I don't love her, don't want her back, but what happened still haunts me. For months I'd forget it, but sometimes it just comes back. I think we can all relate to that. Keeping things and hoping they go away isn't always the answer (as is over analyzing things).
Author bubtherug Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 I took in each answer here, but wanted to reply to some specific ones: WintersNightTraveler: This is THE biggest lesson. I agree. It is dodging a bullet. She was never a good person. I remember my 29 year old (girl) co-worker telling me :"this is the oldest trick in the book". About 3 years into our relationship she was furious at me , and told me "SHE WILL NEVER HAVE SEX WITH YOU. SHE'S LYING. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT NOW". I now know why "40 year olds don't wait". These experiences make us so much better. paleblue- I am proud mate and thank you. Your message really made me feel better. I got the impression that you're very strong mentally. McGrupp- I laughed out loud when you said she sucked at sex. In fact, she sucked in general at the whole foreplay thing (terrible). You everything down to the tee. It's more the feeling of "bitterness, regret, humiliation, inadequacy". The idea of seeing them together. I don't think I'm mentally prepared for that. GrayClouds- I actually found a copy of No More Mr. Nice guy at the book store today haha. I bought it and will start reading it. I don't believe in fate, but you don't ignore a coincidence like this. Thank you.
Author bubtherug Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 LoveTruthChaos- (and to others who shared the same sentiment) - I have read and heard from other people (close friends of mine) that I was actually saved of even more torment by not sleeping with her. Apparently the pain of having someone you slept with (or maybe gave herself to you first) , go with another person, is indescribable. I can't even imagine what it feels like.
WintersNightTraveler Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I remember my 29 year old (girl) co-worker telling me :"this is the oldest trick in the book". About 3 years into our relationship she was furious at me , and told me "SHE WILL NEVER HAVE SEX WITH YOU. SHE'S LYING. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT NOW". Spidey sense going off. Invite this woman over for dinner. Cook something nice, or learn to cook salmon if you don't know how. Make sure you have a couple of nice bottles of wine. You might not be a virgin much longer. Just a suggestion. Good luck.
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