bickering

[shlee]

How do you handle bickering/situations that could result in bickering? Clearly the easy answer is to "communicate" and not bicker, but come on, everyone knows that sometimes this is just the way it is when you're living with or married to someone

 

An example specific to me is this:

The stall shower in our master bath needs to be resealed. It has needed this done since before I moved in (years ago). I have no idea how to do this myself, or it would've been done by now. As it is, it leaks water every time EITHER of us takes a shower.

 

Every once in awhile (maybe every couple months) my bf will make a comment like "This bath mat is soaked. The shower door is f*'ed up, you need to watch it." He doesn't say this in a confrontational way or anything, and he's not at all being mean, but at this point (after trying the whole communication thing) my instinctive response wavers between "It's half your fault ya know" and "So why isn't the door fixed yet?"

 

He also has certain things with me that trigger he doesn't like that trigger a similar response in him (such as how I put clean folded laundry back in the hamper to be brought upstairs to be put away, and then leave it there and wait for him to put his own clothes away).

 

We both tend to smother the response/reactions we have that would result in bickering, but the impulse is still there.

 

My question isn't how to solve these two specific "issues", but rather it's more generally in regards to bickering, and situations that could (or do) result in bickering.

 

How do you deal, thoughts in general, etc?

[shlee]

No one? OK. Just because I feel like complaining:

 

Something else that bothers me is that whenever someone asks him about our dog, or invites him (through evite or facebook) to an event/party it's "my dog" and "me" and "I". Even if we are both invited (separately), he RSVPs alone. And, if it's one of his "friends", and we have other plans and can't go, he RSVPs "maybe" with a message that is again "me" and "I" and how much he wants to go and so on.

 

Most recently one of our friends (who I hang out with more) invited us both to a party. We already have plans that weekend, but (for a change) when I RSVPed "no" instead of using "we/us" language I said "I am doing this that weekend". BF responded after me and said "no" because "We are doing this that weekend".

 

It really bothers me that he doesn't use that kind of language with his "friends".

[carhill]

Simple.... hire a contractor to fix the shower and pay him/her out of your household budget. Done.

 

This is an example of a resolution 'style', rather than pointless 'bickering'.

 

'Honey, that shower is leaking like a sieve and I'm going to hire someone to fix it this week before it damages the structure of the house'

 

'Honey, I'm sorry we can't go to the party since we spent the money (for booze, food, gift, whatever) on fixing the shower. I hope we can go next time'.

 

Myself, if I was always having to proactively 'handle' everything, I'd become single. The other person is no longer a partner, rather a burden. Wait, I did that

[shlee]

Perhaps part of the problem then is I'm starting to feel a little passive aggressive about these things, as I myself am very proactive, and he is not (in my opinion, as he appears to have his own form of triage - ie fixing air conditioning is a priority to him and gets fixed same day, whereas I could do without, but feel other things need doing ASAP).

 

Could be PMS.

[carhill]

LOL, think twice before dissing any man with the tools and skills to fix your air conditioner. Every time stbx calls me with the 'since you're the expert' Hoover move, I remind her of her choice that my skillset wasn't ambitious enough for her.

 

Pick your battles. Stay cool!

[shlee]

LOL, think twice before dissing any man with the tools and skills to fix your air conditioner. Every time stbx calls me with the 'since you're the expert' Hoover move, I remind her of her choice that my skillset wasn't ambitious enough for her.

His way of "handling" it is to call someone else to come take care of it.

 

To me: "I made an appointment to have HVAC Guy come look at the air conditioner at XX time. You'll be home right?"

 

Hence why I can wait a day or three to have an appointment at MY convenience.

 

Pick your battles.

Do agree with this, which is why I tend to bite my tongue. And sometimes it really doesn't bother me. Sometimes I feel irritated about it.

 

Sounds like your ex is missing out!

[carhill]

His way of "handling" it is to call someone else to come take care of it.

 

My apologies. Me, I grab my bottle of R22, my gauge set and ammeter and climb up on the roof. I'm still nursing along a 40 year old HVAC as we speak.

 

I can understand your frustration. H should be better at finding a good HVAC guy who will show up on short notice. With the economy in the toilet, a lot of guys are freelancing. We have a short list of freelancers for our rentals when I or my partner don't have time to get to them. I'd suggest you do the same thing. No need waiting around all day for days.

 

Again, communication...

 

'Waiting around all day for the HVAC guy is unacceptable. What are we going to do about that?'

 

Rinse and repeat for other situations where what is being asked of you feels unreasonable. The key aspect I had to become comfortable with was communicating boundaries and getting used to someone being angry at me about that. Whatever

[xxoo]

The stall shower in our master bath needs to be resealed. It has needed this done since before I moved in (years ago). I have no idea how to do this myself, or it would've been done by now. As it is, it leaks water every time EITHER of us takes a shower.

 

Over the years, I learned I don't need to know how to do it myself. I just have to break out the tools and appear to be trying to fix it, and my H will gravitate in and take over (to be clear, I AM trying to fix it myself--not attempting to manipulate the situation--but the pattern holds regardless of my intentions)

 

As for bickering--just don't? Seriously, it takes two to bicker. Let things go, do it yourself, or hire out. Life is too short--and happiness too precious--to be bickering over leaky showers and folded laundry.

[shlee]

Over the years, I learned I don't need to know how to do it myself. I just have to break out the tools and appear to be trying to fix it, and my H will gravitate in and take over (to be clear, I AM trying to fix it myself--not attempting to manipulate the situation--but the pattern holds regardless of my intentions)

 

As for bickering--just don't? Seriously, it takes two to bicker. Let things go, do it yourself, or hire out. Life is too short--and happiness too precious--to be bickering over leaky showers and folded laundry.

 

I like that.

 

And we almost never bicker...I can probably count on one hand the number of times we have...but lately I am feeling the urge to bicker more - things are bothering more, I'm having a harder time controlling my emotions (frustration, irritation). Maybe PMS. But how do you "just let it go"???

[2sure]

Bickering is a habit regardless of whom you live with. Just do not participate in that, I refuse to "nag" anyone my daughter included.

Say it once or twice. They heard you.

 

Only a child needs reminders, or to be shown how you want things done.

 

Fix it yourself, put it away yourself, do it yourself.

And never complain about someone else's way of doing work you could do yourself. That just stops them from trying.

[carhill]

Great advice. Concurrently, accept that, if the dynamic trends to the unhealthy, it's time to get out. Accept that the relationship has too many elements of incompatibility and leave.

[shlee]

Bickering is a habit regardless of whom you live with. Just do not participate in that, I refuse to "nag" anyone my daughter included.

Say it once or twice. They heard you.

 

Only a child needs reminders, or to be shown how you want things done.

 

Fix it yourself, put it away yourself, do it yourself.

And never complain about someone else's way of doing work you could do yourself. That just stops them from trying.

 

Agree with Carhill that this is good advice.

 

I don't nag - I say something once, maybe twice, then either drop it or do it myself (depending on what it is).

 

Perhaps that is why the shower thing (specifically) is bothering me - I don't nag him about it, but he makes me feel as though he is blaming me for getting water on the floor - when he is also responsible, and when he hasn't fixed it.

 

It's not relevant, but as a matter of record, our agreement, since I moved into his house, is that anything that was an issue prior to me moving in is not my responsibility to take care of/pay for, and major renovations are not my responsibility/expense either (he wants it this way for legal reasons). The shower falls into the former category.

[2sure]

Put a small shower curtain up on the inside in front of the door if neither one of you are going to fix it. Solve the problem within the very specific agreement you have.

[shlee]

Put a small shower curtain up on the inside in front of the door if neither one of you are going to fix it. Solve the problem within the very specific agreement you have.

 

Wonderful solution - I will go get a curtain this weekend.

[Phateless]

Good thread. I agree that the simple answer is "don't participate" in bickering, but both parties need to be on board with this. There also has to be a resolution at some point so the same issue doesn't make both people irritated forever.

[make me believe]

I refuse to engage in bickering or nagging my SO. I also don't let things fester to the point where it's been months and I'm still bothered by it. The shower thing? Learn how to fix it yourself if your boyfriend isn't going to, or hire someone to do it, or on a Saturday afternoon grab your BF and say "hey lets go down to Home Depot and get the stuff necessary to fix this shower once and for all!" There's absolutely no reason why something so minor should have gone on for so long.

 

The thing about the RSVPing would bother me too because it sounds like your boyfriend is thinking about himself as an individual rather than the two of you as a couple. Just talk to him about it.

 

...but lately I am feeling the urge to bicker more - things are bothering more, I'm having a harder time controlling my emotions (frustration, irritation). Maybe PMS. But how do you "just let it go"???

 

Maybe this is a symptom of a larger problem in the relationship? It sounds like your boyfriend is a bit childish/immature and basically wants to leave most things up to you. Like you are there to take care of him & the house (which is why he hasn't gotten the shower fixed and gets irritated when you don't put his laundry away for him). That's not something I'd put up with in my relationship.

[shlee]

I refuse to engage in bickering or nagging my SO. I also don't let things fester to the point where it's been months and I'm still bothered by it. The shower thing? Learn how to fix it yourself if your boyfriend isn't going to, or hire someone to do it, or on a Saturday afternoon grab your BF and say "hey lets go down to Home Depot and get the stuff necessary to fix this shower once and for all!" There's absolutely no reason why something so minor should have gone on for so long.

 

The thing about the RSVPing would bother me too because it sounds like your boyfriend is thinking about himself as an individual rather than the two of you as a couple. Just talk to him about it.

 

 

 

Maybe this is a symptom of a larger problem in the relationship? It sounds like your boyfriend is a bit childish/immature and basically wants to leave most things up to you. Like you are there to take care of him & the house (which is why he hasn't gotten the shower fixed and gets irritated when you don't put his laundry away for him). That's not something I'd put up with in my relationship.

 

Frankly, I don't give a damn about the shower, beyond the fact that he comments on it as though it's my fault there's water on the floor. The floor is tile, and there's a very large, thick bath mat right there to soak up all the water - that's what it's there for, if you ask me - and I wash the mats regularly so they're not getting moldy like they were before I moved in. I could care less that it leaks water there. It's a minor annoyance to have to keep an eye on the door while I'm showering, but really doesn't bother me much at all, and by now I'm used to it.

 

Hence why, after all this time, his little comments to me about the shower leaking irritate the heck out of me and I'm having a hard time not starting to bicker with him over it or nag him to fix it.

 

As far as the laundry, he can be irritated all he wants - I told him up front that I will not put his laundry away (and no, I don't nag him to put it away either - if he doesn't put it away and just starts throwing his dirty laundry into the same hamper I either treat everything as dirty laundry or put his clean clothes on top of his laptop, depending on my mood). I think he sees this as different "styles", where he never put clean clothes in a hamper and he is either forgetful or resistant of how I do things. He has not done a load of laundry since I moved in, so I really don't care if he has a problem with me not doing the laundry his way

[SarahRose]

Frankly, I don't give a damn about the shower, beyond the fact that he comments on it as though it's my fault there's water on the floor. The floor is tile, and there's a very large, thick bath mat right there to soak up all the water - that's what it's there for, if you ask me - and I wash the mats regularly so they're not getting moldy like they were before I moved in. I could care less that it leaks water there. It's a minor annoyance to have to keep an eye on the door while I'm showering, but really doesn't bother me much at all, and by now I'm used to it.

 

Hence why, after all this time, his little comments to me about the shower leaking irritate the heck out of me and I'm having a hard time not starting to bicker with him over it or nag him to fix it.

 

As far as the laundry, he can be irritated all he wants - I told him up front that I will not put his laundry away (and no, I don't nag him to put it away either - if he doesn't put it away and just starts throwing his dirty laundry into the same hamper I either treat everything as dirty laundry or put his clean clothes on top of his laptop, depending on my mood). I think he sees this as different "styles", where he never put clean clothes in a hamper and he is either forgetful or resistant of how I do things. He has not done a load of laundry since I moved in, so I really don't care if he has a problem with me not doing the laundry his way

 

 

Ewww so he is wearing dirty clothes the entire time since you moved in? How long have you lived there?

 

I think the biggest thing that would bother me is he is still acting like a single guy.

[shlee]

Ewww so he is wearing dirty clothes the entire time since you moved in? How long have you lived there?

 

 

Not at all.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Bickering is something that has happened a fair bit in our marriage (at times). Usually there are other insecurities or issues at hand. Work through those insecurities/ issues, and the rest seems to fall into place.

 

There was a couple, quite close to us, that helped us out through a low point; they really did a great job for our marriage. Just this week that couple was over at our place for dinner, and we were chatting late into the night. For the first time in 8 years of knowing them, we were in the heat of the two of them bickering. On top of it, it was about absolutely nothing important to ANYONE else but them!

 

It really opened my eyes. Long story short, as long as I can remember that exchange, I feel quite confident I will not be able to bicker with my wife. From my point of view it's not something worth exposing my relationship to. Trivial points turn into big hang ups and people feel the need to defend their position. Better to respect your partner and search for the real reason(s) that you are feeling the way you are...

[vodkafan]

How do you handle bickering/situations that could result in bickering? Clearly the easy answer is to "communicate" and not bicker, but come on, everyone knows that sometimes this is just the way it is when you're living with or married to someone

 

An example specific to me is this:

The stall shower in our master bath needs to be resealed. It has needed this done since before I moved in (years ago). I have no idea how to do this myself, or it would've been done by now. As it is, it leaks water every time EITHER of us takes a shower.

 

Every once in awhile (maybe every couple months) my bf will make a comment like "This bath mat is soaked. The shower door is f*'ed up, you need to watch it." He doesn't say this in a confrontational way or anything, and he's not at all being mean, but at this point (after trying the whole communication thing) my instinctive response wavers between "It's half your fault ya know" and "So why isn't the door fixed yet?"

 

He also has certain things with me that trigger he doesn't like that trigger a similar response in him (such as how I put clean folded laundry back in the hamper to be brought upstairs to be put away, and then leave it there and wait for him to put his own clothes away).

 

We both tend to smother the response/reactions we have that would result in bickering, but the impulse is still there.

 

My question isn't how to solve these two specific "issues", but rather it's more generally in regards to bickering, and situations that could (or do) result in bickering.

 

How do you deal, thoughts in general, etc?

 

Wow sorry, not trying to belittle your obvious irritation, I just wish my marriage problems had been as small as this....

[finding_serenity]

I can relate to that,and my husband has habit of bickering,thats why he got divorce.both and his ex are naggers!