shadowplay Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Because most people are disappointing once you get to know them. Yep, I'm LS's resident cynic. And this form of disappointment often manifests as hurting the other person. My first ex is my best friend. He's an amazing person, and I still care about him deeply. The rest I either moderately or strongly dislike. I have no respect for any of them except for the first.
sally4sara Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Maybe I'm just a cauldron of hate, but I could not manage any other emotion for my worthless drunk ex after he kidnapped our son.
Crazy Magnet Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Maybe I'm just a cauldron of hate, but I could not manage any other emotion for my worthless drunk ex after he kidnapped our son. Nope. You just had the Jerry Springer crack experience like I did. I lend some credit to the bit about hate being a form of emotional attachment. I know emotionally the jerk still has some holds over me. I think that's pretty par for the course for extremely abusive relationships. I don't worry about it b/c I can see the progress I've made and I know that eventually I'll move on from fire ants to gluing himself to a door knob.
Gallaxia Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 i think thats a bunch of hooey...the passage of time is much more important in getting to acceptance I don't know. Anger and hate are emotions being processed.
carhill Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 IME, it appears that if a man doesn't vociferously proclaim his ex to be a psycho-b!tch from hell, future romantic potentials may suspect that he secretly wants to f*ck her some more, not to mention the 'still in love' part. I personally think indifference is a better indicator of 'moving on', and will look for women who agree with that perspective as potential compatible partners. I stopped dating a couple mainly because of their bitch-fests about their ex'es.
kalikula Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 In some cases I believe people hate their exes to protect themselves: But I think often times it just comes about because it is hard to still be friends with someone who has rejected you like that. They've "done you wrong". Personally I hate my ex because: He was very dishonest in our relationship, which I didn't really realize until after we had broken up. He is extremely pretentious, arrogant, makes blanket statements about everything, and is a "user"/"moocher" He didn't respect the fact that I didn't want to see him (AFTER we broke up) and often came over to hang out with my roommates, which I found extremely rude of him. If you have to see someone like that in social situations it is easier to hate them than to try and remain indifferent. Eventually if you don't have to see them anymore, indifference is easier and you forget about them altogether. (IMO) I have one ex that I hate, the other two I am totally indifferent towards
Crazy Magnet Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 IME, it appears that if a man doesn't vociferously proclaim his ex to be a psycho-b!tch from hell, future romantic potentials may suspect that he secretly wants to f*ck her some more, not to mention the 'still in love' part. I personally think indifference is a better indicator of 'moving on', and will look for women who agree with that perspective as potential compatible partners. I stopped dating a couple mainly because of their bitch-fests about their ex'es. There's a difference between hate and b!tch-fest. While I hate my exH you won't here me griping about him ever to a current SO. It's so much more personal than that for me b/c I'm still healing. I don't want the whole world to know my inner pain b/c it's not their business. The only time I really gripe is when I have to do something involving credit b/c it always becomes a nightmare. The only time I talk about him is to explain some bizarre behavior I might display. Like one guy I dated raised his hand to squash a bug and I hit the floor in the fetal position. His response was so I got the joy of explaining that it was some bizarre visceral response to my body thinking it was about to get pummeled. Why it happened 2 years post D I'll never know, but occasionally I'll still do things like that even now. It's a lot better though But I sure hate the ex in those moments. Sometimes I don't want to talk about him or what he did. Also, I don't enjoy looking like a nut job. I too prefer indifference. The inability to achieve indifference indicates a lack of emotional maturity in a person and the unwillingness to let go of the past. When there is more than one ex that a person can't achieve indifference for I become even more wary. What's the point of continuing all those relationships when the break-up quite clearly established a lack of compatibility?
carhill Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Sorry to read of the abuse you suffered. I hope you were able to get help for that. I too prefer indifference. The inability to achieve indifference indicates a lack of emotional maturity in a person and the unwillingness to let go of the past. When there is more than one ex that a person can't achieve indifference for I become even more wary. What's the point of continuing all those relationships when the break-up quite clearly established a lack of compatibility? Sometimes I think people get stuck in the anger phase because they don't allow sufficient time for introspection and healing before pursuing new relationships. They don't resolve the past to a neutral state before embracing the future. In the examples I experienced, the ladies had adult children and grandchildren with their 'ex'es', so had constant contact and constant reminders of whatever pain was in their past. Being able to process that to a healthy state takes a lot of work. I empathize with them but just don't want that kind of dynamic for myself in my twilight years.
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I don't hate my exes, but I'm definitely not friends with them. If for some reason we were to run into each other we could be cordial, but I am not interested in seeing or talking to them. There is one ex, who put me through hell when I broke it off with him. For months after our break up he would call me at all hours of the night, when I wouldn't answer he would call my home phone (I lived with my parents at the time) and harass my family. He'd send me texts & e-mails about how I ruined his life and how I don't deserve to be happy. He called my friends and tried to turn them against me (and succeeded with some of them). And when I started dating again, he would try to contact the guys I was seeing and tell them what an awful person I am. For a long time I hated him, sometimes I still do, for how much stress I went through then. I was so miserable that I couldn't sleep or eat; I lost weight at a rapid rate and weighed only 100lbs (I'm 5'9) through most of the ordeal. It was an awful experience. From now on I will never date someone who completely ties their self-worth and happiness to me. So do I really hate him? No, I think hate is an evil thing and I try not to let it into my life. I think that, deep down, you have to care about someone to hate them, because hating someone takes a lot of energy. And the bottom line is that I don't care about him, so why should I waste energy on hating him?
deux ex machina Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 With my ex, I went through an anger/hate stage that I had a hard time handling at first. I was afraid of it turning into bitterness or resentment that I would end up carrying with me. The entire point of our not being together anymore was so I could be free of the it. The constant b.s. was turning me into someone I wasn't in some ways. I don't have the kind of temperament that hangs onto things like that, so it felt overwhelming to me. A lot of people here on LS helped me through it; I learned ways to deal with deal with it via professional help, as well. It ended up being fine - and like a lot of experiences I would've preferred to do without at the time, it turned out for the best. For a while, I recoiled when I thought of him...good, because it kept me away...that was odd, because it was mixed with some strange curiosity about what he was up to at the same time. Then, the anger stage came, and shut the curiosity down, quickly. The hate changed over time to feelings of repulsion. That's gradually fading, too. Personally, I feel the hate helped me burn through the bond I felt for him. I learned I don't have to fear my feelings. I don't hate him today; I don't have anything to do with him.
zengirl Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) People hate their exes for a variety of reasons. Some I've seen include: 1.) Their ex really is hateable (i.e. they abused or cheated on them) and they are a person who can't let go of normal, understandable anger. The degree to which they hate them is the issue there. If they're like, "No, I could never be friends with Charlie after I caught him screwing my sister," I'm like, "Fair enough." If they're like, "Man, I want to chop Charlie into little pieces, fry him up, and serve him to my sister in a casserole, before I burn the house down with her inside," I'm like. . . we can't be friends anymore. You get the gist. I've never dated anyone really hateable, but I think my Dad is pretty hateable as a husband (great as a Dad; jerks are rarely wholesale jerks)---he cheated on my Mom. She can't stand him, really, but she doesn't talk about it. You can just tell (and she finally admitted it when I asked her, as an adult, much later). She still hopes he does well enough in life, but she never wants to be in the same room with him. 2.) Their ex represents a time/part of them they want to ignore and feel ashamed about. Some people are just really ashamed they picked such a person and then project all that self-hate onto another person. I think this is pretty unhealthy, but I admit I've done it temporarily with folks I dated short-term that didn't work out. Plenty of people do it all the time. 3.) They cannot accept rejection, in general. Some people just cannot be rejected. They have a "Sour Grapes" complex. Anyone or anything that rejects them must be bad in some way. They can't understand the whole "just wasn't right" nature of the world. 4.) They didn't like their ex as a person anyway, and they see them more as an object than a person who was worth knowing. This can coincide with some of the others. Basically, it's easy to hate your ex if all they were was the person filling that slot, and they've chosen not to fill it. That provokes anger. They stopped doing what they were "supposed" to do! I find these people the most disturbing of all, and they certainly don't realize they're thinking this way. 5.) They're working through something within themselves. This often coincides with #1 or #2 but doesn't have to. Usually, once they've worked on their own stuff, their hate will subside. 6.) They have attachment issues and can't deal with processing their emotions out, so they turn them into anger/hate/etc. This is really, really common. Most people can't actually wade through and process their own emotions, and it is a struggle to do so. It's way easier just to turn failed love into hatred or resentment than to actually maintain your own emotional health. People do it all the time and remain "normal" or average and go on to live happy lives. I think it's kind of life tooth decay for our mental health----it's one of those things that hits so many people and generally is treated or mildly prevented, in those who keep up their health well enough, but never really cured, and we just live with it as the human condition. I'm sure there are other reasons but those are the 6 that come to mind. FWIW, I don't hate any of my exes. I also wouldn't date most of them again (there is one that cut short due to distance that I can never really say, but it's unlikely we'll get the chance to see, as he's in England with a great job he should never give up and I'm not able to get a visa to teach in England and live there. . . heck, I'd love to live in England, him notwithstanding, but they don't want no Yankees ). IME, it appears that if a man doesn't vociferously proclaim his ex to be a psycho-b!tch from hell, future romantic potentials may suspect that he secretly wants to f*ck her some more, not to mention the 'still in love' part. What? I think if a guy brings up his ex a lot and cannot tell me why they broke up ("She broke up with me. I don't know why," being a very bad answer for instance, because it indicates he's pretty open to continuing the relationship with his ex), then that's bad. But, if he's talking about how terrible she was, that's just as bad. Maybe worse. I'm at least "friendly" with most of my exes. We don't hang out (heck, I'm on a different continent at the moment from most of them) but I keep in touch with a few via FB/email, birthday cards, Christmas cards, etc. Some I don't keep in touch with, but I don't have any animosity for them.* *This is mostly because no one I can call my "boyfriend" was a complete jerk with no redeeming qualities. There are some situations where I get people feeling animosity towards an ex, but I hope they've grown up and learned to pick better people. Edited July 29, 2010 by zengirl
zengirl Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I am friends with 3 of my exes. One of them... we're still in love. Heh. But we're friends. Well, yeah, that's you're issue. I don't see the point in dating anyone who is still in love with someone else, nor would most decent gals, so of course, you fare better pretending indifference or hatred towards your ex. It's not that they respond negatively to friendship. That's not the same as what you have, whether you're "friends" or not.
alphamale Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I am friends with 3 of my exes. i am friends with zero of my exes but i have no resentment towards any of them
SassyKitten Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I don't know! Isn't hating an ex just another way to stay emotionally tied to the person? Well, hate is a strong word. Loving an ex is the way of staying emotionally tied to the person. Finding things to dislike about them and recognizing how they hurt you is the way to emotionally distance yourself. Which doesn't mean they're the Antichrist, but it does mean you can do better.
gypsy_nicky Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I understand that, but how does hating the person help you at all ? I think I am just too mellow and dont let things like that rule my emotions. Hating makes the situation less ambiguous. Its hard to like a person you've been intimate with but at the same time failed to sustain a relationship with.
zengirl Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Well, hate is a strong word. Loving an ex is the way of staying emotionally tied to the person. Finding things to dislike about them and recognizing how they hurt you is the way to emotionally distance yourself. Which doesn't mean they're the Antichrist, but it does mean you can do better. Finding things you dislike and recognizing hurt isn't really hating someone, though. I do agree with the poster who said hate is an emotional tie. So is resentment, actually. I think you can still recognize how the person was either (a) crappy as a person, or (b) just plain wrong for you (Recognizing your own faults in the relationship in the process, too!) without hating or even resenting them. The way you described it doesn't even strike me as anger, let alone hatred. That seems pretty darn healthy.
SassyKitten Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Finding things you dislike and recognizing hurt isn't really hating someone, though. I do agree with the poster who said hate is an emotional tie. So is resentment, actually. I think you can still recognize how the person was either (a) crappy as a person, or (b) just plain wrong for you (Recognizing your own faults in the relationship in the process, too!) without hating or even resenting them. The way you described it doesn't even strike me as anger, let alone hatred. That seems pretty darn healthy. Admittedly in the beginning stages of my last breakup, it was definitely resentment! Looking back, we were wrong for each other, and I wasn't perfect either. And I'm kind of relieved to not be the one doing all of the compromising when he was doing none.
zengirl Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Admittedly in the beginning stages of my last breakup, it was definitely resentment! Looking back, we were wrong for each other, and I wasn't perfect either. And I'm kind of relieved to not be the one doing all of the compromising when he was doing none. Well, yeah, everyone has resentment/anger at first, I think. I find people who never get angry unnatural. I've spoken to Buddhist monks, and even they admit they feel anger (and that's in a rather secluded, controlled lifestyle, practicing the art of inner peace all day, every day). They certainly feel it lighter and for less time than I, but the trick to not being "angry" is learning how to process it. People who say they never feel anger, sadness, resentment, etc, strike me as liars.
Stung Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 IME, it appears that if a man doesn't vociferously proclaim his ex to be a psycho-b!tch from hell, future romantic potentials may suspect that he secretly wants to f*ck her some more, not to mention the 'still in love' part. I personally think indifference is a better indicator of 'moving on', and will look for women who agree with that perspective as potential compatible partners. I stopped dating a couple mainly because of their bitch-fests about their ex'es. Agreed. While I have had an ex or two that I harbored ill feelings towards (for very good reasons), if I was vitriolic about the bulk of my ex-boyfriends, I would expect a prospective partner to be concerned. When I ran across someone who HATED all their exes I assumed they either had interpersonal issues, including an inability to analyze objectively and accept fault, or that they were still not over them.
Pfiend101 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 because, unfortunately, many have been lied to and cheated on. couldn't have said it any better. Also brainy said about opening up and trusting someone to have them betray/backstab you is horrible for a person to do. At least be honest!
threebyfate Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I don't hate any of my exes. A few I dislike as people, others are friends and others I'm indifferent towards.
Pyro Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I don't hate any of my exes. A few I dislike as people, others are friends and others I'm indifferent towards. so which category will get run over by a bus?
threebyfate Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 so which category will get run over by a bus?The bus has been parked! Got tired of washing off and repairing the front grill.
Pyro Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 The bus has been parked! Got tired of washing off and repairing the front grill. Make me a spare key in case I ever need it.
threebyfate Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Make me a spare key in case I ever need it.I doubt you'll need it but here, catch, they're the original set.
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