SoSilly Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I had an A with a MM. We both decided to break it off last Saturday because he couldn't imagine life without his kids full-time. We have been friends for a few years - mostly just a "hi, how are you?" sort of friendship. We have a common hobby/interest and so do our 80+ mutual friends. Our common hobby/interest brought almost 30 of us on a trip out of state and one sort of drunken night, we kissed. Up until that point, I didn't have any attraction towards him. I respected his marriage and even talked to his wife a few times. There were major sparks when we kissed. Unlike I've ever had before. On the way home, we texted the whole way - stating that we could never do that again and that was his first time ever cheating. He told me about the problems in their marriage and that he was completely numb at ever feeling anything for her again. We both couldn't stop thinking about eachother. So it got very serious from there. It got to the point where he told her he wanted a divorce, even told his 2 kids he was leaving. 2 weeks after that talk with his family, he caved. He couldn't do it because of his kids (they are VERY close). We had a really sweet parting. We laughed, cried, said "I love you" a million times. Please do not judge me as why I did this or whatever. I feel guilty enough. I never have been with anyone that was attached before. But this man is different than past men in my life. As I'm sure most of you have felt, the connection is a lot deeper. We read eachother's minds and finished sentences. I know it's only been a few days, but how do you move on when you have all these mutual friends? A few suspected it, so we diverted their attention by having his single best friend and I flirt with eachother. (Best friend knows). I see both his and his wife's fb statuses, etc so I see it ALL If I delete them or block, people will know. How do you deal with having to share all the same friends and your common interest/hobby? I cannot stop or give up this common interest/hobby. Also, he told me that it kills him that I don't acknowledge him when we are in public. I am hopeful that one day we will get back together, but I'm not counting on it. I'm taking the steps to move on and am doing an ok job. He thinks that we should be friends. I TOTALLY disagree. Maybe one day, but not anytime soon. Obviously I'm completely crushed and in pain. Just want to know I'm doing the right thing on how I'm not acknowledging him, etc. Thanks
xpaperxcutx Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 You did the good thing. As much as it hurts, an " affair' hardly just involves the two of you. His wife ( no matter how much he feels detached from her ) and his kids are thrown into this. As is everything, both parties involve share the blunt of responsibilities. You, for being the OW, him for being weak and entering the affair. So since you've moved on, continue moving on and don't look back.
scatterd Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Good glad its over but all men say they are staying for their chidren.If he was so numb and out of love he should have left.His poor wife she should be informed on what took place so she can find a honest man that she deserves.To think you knew her is also sad did you think once about hurting her and her kids?Sorry dont mean to be rude but how would you feel if it was you in her shoes?You laughed kissed and cried but wheres remorse for possiably ruining her life?This guy sounds like a real nice guy he cheats on his wife and asks for a divorice and I bet he blamed it on her and I bet he was doing her the whole time.How do you know he asked for a divorice did he tell you that.I do not understand how he can be considered nice.What a wonderful guy.Well good luck
Author SoSilly Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I know I know. Please trust that I do feel horrible. So much that I've lost about 15-20 lbs in the past 2 months and have also puked a few times. TMI but I'm not this mean person that set my sights on him & ruin her/their kids lives. It's something that just happened. I know he's always been an honest person. Even when rumors were started - people didn't believe that he or I would do something like that. Ugh. I'm moving on. My main concern is how to move on when I see him a few times a week. Thanks for your responses so far!
scatterd Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I woud find away to not see him He aready hurt his famiy by asking for a divorice and im sure she suspects someone and will find out.how long have you both been doing this? Why does he stay with her if he has no feeings she should know so she can move on.Have they been together long and are the kids older they could adjust.He is not a good guy nor is he different he would not have cheated if he was.Nothing good comes from affairs and he will come back fishing when he needs more on the side.You need to go complete NC so he can move on.I wish his wife new because she could leave him and find someone who loves her.If he will cheat with you he would cheat on you he is selfish and they also say its their first time.Like you said same story different person.
Author SoSilly Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 There's NO possible way to avoid him. We have way too many mutual friends and our common interest basically rules our life. I could never tell his wife. His kids don't deserve that. Sorry - I don't agree with you there. I saw him for 2 minutes tonight. I said hello to a mutual friend and he was surprised. he made a point to say hi and I only smiled back. I didn't even look at him the rest of the time. Day by day. Thanks for letting me vent a little
Mimolicious Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Welcome, Sorry to tell you sweetpea but if you remain lingering around you xMM you wont be able to let go and move on. What I do see in your future is... continuing this A. One of this days while you both are mingling in the same circle one will approach the other with the typical "I miss you", "can't get over you", "you're the love of my life" blassie blass... Back on the roller coaster. I am sorry, I don't mean to sound like a total bitch but seen it done before (actually to me! ). Don't fool yourself. There is not such a thing as "can't" you just haven't tried to make the proper changes to stay away from him and vice versa. I understand if this was a JOB. Where you guys worked together but "circle of friends"- you can plan accordingly. Your "Common interest" maybe is with each other. If you really wanted to move forward and leave this A in the past, you can make the changes needed. Everything else sounds like an excuse. If there were rumors buzzing, how is it that his W doesn't know? Someone should seriously be HONEST with her and tell her that her H is "NUMB" towards her. Wouldn't you want to know if your H felt this way about you and went telling his OW?
scatterd Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) you are going to here many storys that are close to the same as yours and many broken hearts on here.Read alot of the post on both sides you will see inless you get away you and others will be hurt.NC is the best way out.Why did you even smile at him im sure he already got the idea your just playing hard to get.I am trying to warn you if you think your pain is bad just wait it gets worse when you do not stay away.You can share your same hobbies with others and not be where he is.Im wondering if you are just hoping he wil come after you?also when mom hurt kids hurt. Edited July 29, 2010 by scatterd
scatterd Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I dont know if you work together or what it is but NC is the best way out.Many OW and OM have done it.I am sorry you are hurting but now is the time to stay away.
Author SoSilly Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 this common hobby is racing cars. we are at the track a few times a week, so if I don't show up (or if he doesn't), then people will think something is majorly wrong - like a family member is sick/dying. So I guess you could say it's like working together. Mimolicious: thank you for possibly seeing into my future. this is what I totally want to avoid and I know I'm strong enough to tell him where to go if he starts with the "I'm missing you" crap. She did ask if he was seeing me or another person in our group, so she already suspects it. He denied it (of course) and she dropped the subject. No one told her or will tell her - only a few select people know. However, his brother in law (married to her sister) is in the scene too and I think he suspects it. When he told her he wanted a divorce, he also told her he didn't love her anymore and felt numb. It's her business and choice as to why she stays. I would be devastated and want him out of the house if I were her. They have been married for 13 years, together for 20. 2 boys under 10. Thanks, scatterd! I smiled back, but it was a quick smile. Nothing that lasted long or was meaningful. You are right, I will try my best to have NC. I know I'm in the beginning stages of still being hopeful that he will come back. Just gotta work my way out of that.
cavedweller Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 SoSilly, Everyone knows about the affair.. He has told all of his friends that he has been hitting that 'thing'. Men love to brag.
Just a stone's throw Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 SoSilly, Welcome to LS. First, you need to be careful about the details you post on here. About your "common interest" and his years married/kids ages etc. People lurk and don't post and this is a anonymous site but people can figure things out and if you want it to stay under wraps, the less details the better (not that I'm not interested in the details ) Secondly, I think you have your head in the right place. It's not your worry if he tells or doesn't tell his wife because you need to move on and figure things out for yourself. Let him deal with his life/marriage, it's what he signed up for. That being said, it sounds like you're doing the right things and if you can't stop seeing him at your "mutual interest" functions then just do what you're doing. It will hurt for a good long time and there is a good chance your A won't be over for long but it's up to you as to how you want to set your boundaries and live YOUR life. Good luck, JAST
Author SoSilly Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Thanks for the welcome. No worries JAST. ALL the details have been changed (including the hobby). just wanted to have posters understand that this hobby isn't something I can take a break from. ... but it's up to you as to how you want to set your boundaries and live YOUR life. This is exactly why I'm here. I need the help and strength to be able to move on and know what MIGHT happen next (him coming back and saying "I miss you" etc).
scatterd Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Well thats the pitts! in your hobbie is their any way you can stay in your own area this is going to be hard at one point he will come fishing and I hope you are strong enough to say No.As far as his wife he could be telling you what you want to hear in order for him to have a reason to cheat.For her to drop it he had to sweet talk her.If you do go back you wont get the whole man it will hurt longer and you will get only crumbs.At some time the word comes out many cheaters get caught so stick to your goal do not talk.Welcome to LS by the way and good luck
joey66 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 How do you deal with having to share all the same friends and your common interest/hobby? I cannot stop or give up this common interest/hobby. I can empathize. And I don't have a good answer. But I can tell you that as time goes by, it does get easier. Very, very slowly - but it does get easier.
Author SoSilly Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 I think when she asked him if he was seeing anyone, he denied it in fear that when (ha..... IF) he filed for divorce, she wouldn't give him a hard time about seeing his kids. I don't want crumbs. I want ALL of him (or someone). I can avoid him while in the same room. Thanks for the help scatterd.
quankanne Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 the hobby thing ... I'm sorry, people will ask questions, but it's not at all that uncommon to have to step down because real life got in the way. I did that with a couple of my volunteer ministries, and now I'm just a very faded memory for the different people involved. Trust me, if you've got to fade from the scene, you can. And you won't be the target of their chisme for very long, because some other situation is going supplant yours. So don't fool yourself by saying it cannot be done, because otherwise you've got the right attitude of switching to 'acquaintance mode' with this guy!
Mimolicious Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Thanks for the welcome. No worries JAST. ALL the details have been changed (including the hobby). just wanted to have posters understand that this hobby isn't something I can take a break from. So you're saying that all of this is made up? this common hobby is racing cars. we are at the track a few times a week, so if I don't show up (or if he doesn't), then people will think something is majorly wrong - like a family member is sick/dying. So I guess you could say it's like working together. Nice! I agree with JAST but not nice to give us stories either.
Author SoSilly Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 NO this is NOT made up. Why would I waste my time?! I'm not going to give out personal details of the exact hobby or whatever. Like JAST said - some people lurk forums and can figure things out. Details as in: hobby, marriage length, kids ages are different. Everything else is true. I need support, not accusations.
scatterd Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 You are getting support you will get all kinds of different advice some you wont want to hear no two people are the same.NC is important it sounds like you are hoping to be together someday and thats not good.You need to look at this as never again he is not single.Go find someone single this man is not being honest with you nor his wife he is telling her one thing and you somthing else he is more invested in her.How would you like to be in her shoes do you really want him.He would cheat on you to someday once the realationship is real and not new.Plus how could either one of you trust each other?He hurt his kids when he told them he was leaving and he is selfish weak and a liar.If you could compare notes with wife you would be surprized do not think of ever having a realationship with him or you will fail.I hope you can get out.good luck
Mimolicious Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 NO this is NOT made up. Why would I waste my time?! I'm not going to give out personal details of the exact hobby or whatever. Like JAST said - some people lurk forums and can figure things out. Details as in: hobby, marriage length, kids ages are different. Everything else is true. I need support, not accusations. Not accusing you at all hone. Your post with the hobby type and where you guys run into each other is pretty elaborated , you said hobby IS and we ARE. Didn't sound like you were hypothetically speaking. Don't take it the wrong way and I did say that I agreed with JAST about giving out too much deets. Just maing sure that you are not giving us bogus info either.
Author SoSilly Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 thanks for understanding. the hobby type that I mentioned is pretty close to how much I have to see him. like I said, just think of it as a job. thanks for all the support given so far. I need it. today is worse than yesterday.
Mimolicious Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Sorry you are feeling like this SS. It gets better. I promise! I also promise you that having him so much in your face and too close for reach is not going to make it easier. Try the best you can to minimize interaction. You don't have to be drastic about removing yourself from the circle, since it will raise eyebrows. Little by little you can make yourself less available. No? Another way to look at it- You wont find your future circling around the past. How are you supposed to move on and meet someone new in the same circle? My grandma says "one screw takes out the other" (sounds better in Spanish) and she is absolutely right!
scatterd Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I like that one skew takes out another.Silly anytime you need to get advise do so it will take time to get over him but you can.Remember life is to short to waist it on someone taken.Make a single guy your own married man someone you could trust. Think of this as a life learning lesson and grow from it what you end up knowing later can help someone else.Do not allow him to sweet talk you stick to your guns show him you are better then that.Let him move on and fix this mess he made of a marriage if he can I am sure she is watching and getting her ducks in a row.What he said to her will hurt for along time to come and being apart of hurting his wife and kids can not feel good.You can do it!!!
GordonDarkfoot Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 2 weeks after that talk with his family, he caved. He couldn't do it because of his kids (they are VERY close). We had a really sweet parting. We laughed, cried, said "I love you" a million times. Do you love him because he couldn't leave his family, or in spite of it?
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