RockHawk Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Hello All, *posted this on another board, but this category fits better* From reading a few posts and responses on here I'm sure I'll get a mixed bag on this one, and probably more "no chance in hell" responses than not.. but, here it goes (apologize for the length in advance) I dated my ex girlfriend for over a year and after a few monthes we were most definitely in love. We fundamentally had just a wonderful understanding of eachother and we both just felt 'at home' whenever we were with one another.. both of us could just be ourselves and we were just happy being with the other person. It was much deeper than a physical connection, and it was built on more than just love (there was trust, giving, understanding, etc.). Things weren't perfect and problems arose along the way-- mostly having to do with us being in different stages in our life-- I had been working in a good job for 3 years out of college, and she was still looking for a full time teaching job (very tough to find teaching jobs here).. in the interim she worked at a bar and subbed.. i.e. our schedules never lined up. Anyway.. my point here is things between us were tricky as far as making it work with having consistent quality time together but we both loved eachother very much. That withstanding, during this same period and for awhile before I met her, I have been going through some personal issues and fighting some personal demons.. I became depressed (this was around the 6 mon mark of relationship) and had growing issues with anxiety (had been going on for about a year before I met her). Honestly, I still don't know where it all came from, but it gradually crept up on me and just grabbed me and pulled me down. It got worse and worse and I became easily aggitated, sad often, trouble sleeping, lost libido, the whole gamut. I had a hard time letting my gf in on this because I felt that she was in love with the 'happy me' and the strong/ confident me.. so increasingly I tried to keep up a front and I tried to be happy. This made things even worse because I kept planning things that were supposed to be fun and happy times but I just couldnt' bring myself to enjoy them. Dinners/ dates would get ruined at first b/c of big fights or just me not wanting to be there anymore because I just watned to go home and go to bed.. then celebrations, and eventually a vacation were ruined/ scrapped because I just didnt feel that I could go through with it because even though I wanted to go and be happy.. I just didn't feel like doing anything. Long story short.. I had a lot of other stresses in my life and being depressed/anxious made it difficult to deal and at some point I just broke. I shut down and pulled away from her.. felt like I couldn't make her happy because I was unhappy and just felt that I had to be alone to deal with these things on my own. I never once felt that I wasn't in love with her.. rather I just felt like I was reaching a breaking point where I was feeling so down and anxious that if I didn't change something, something terrible would happen. So, at first I told her I needed to be alone and have some space-- not a break up.. (strike 1). She was upset, very upset. But shes the most understanding caring person ever, so she was there and supported me. Soon after I missed her too much and realized I was much worse without her so we got back together fulltime. The same issues described above accelerated and crept right back up on me and I pulled away and she called me out on it and I broke again. Told her I had to be alone and away from her because I couldn't fix me when I was with her because I kept feeling like I had to keep giving and be a loving bf.. and I wanted to do those things, I just felt like I couldn't keep doing it. SO this time it was a breakup (strike 2). I was alone for a month.. it felt a bit better at first and I started to feel that it was a good thing and I started to get my head on.. but the constant feeling I felt was I missed her & I loved her and it all felt like a mistake.. so once I reached a point of "clarity" I thought I was ready to be back with her and I also felt like if I didn't do something asap, it'd be too late. We had a very emotional few days and we started to rebuild. She took me back and was understanding, loving, but also understandably a bit guarded. I had a lot of guilt from hurting her on top of the same feelings I expressed before. I knew I wanted to be with her and I loved her, but something inside of me just wasn't right and I felt so down and empty. WHen I broke up with her a third time (strike 3) I was numb. I felt like a robot.. I was dettached and unemotional.. like a zombie almost. Thinking back on this I don't even feel like I can relate to the person who sat there and did this to her a 3rd time. Anyway.. the last time it happened she went numb too and really sort of had had it with my back and forth and I don't blame her. She was still continuing to be there for me and her support helped me so much, but things had changed understandably. We were going seperate ways because we had to, because you just can't come back from a 3rd break up in that period of time. Its been almost 2 months and we've talked some (mostly me reaching out to her.. actually almost all especially recently) and we've seen eachother 2-3 times. The love is still there, but the us is broken. Each time we broke up and throughout all of this I did my best to explain exactly what was going on inside of me and why I felt I had to do what I was doing, and that helped her, but it didn't make things easier or change the reality that we were seperating. I know that my personal issues really threw a blanket over our relationship and really clouded my head and ability to understand why I felt the way I did. Unfortunately, I didn't seek therapy until 4 months ago, which was about 1 month after the first time we seperated. It's helped a ton, and I am in a better place now. While the issues persist, Its allowed me to have a much clearer picture of everything. I know I need to continue getting better and that any reconciliation for her and I is extremely far from certain at this point.. but through all of it I know that I never stopped loving her and I want to be with her long term. I don't know how that will happen, but it's whats inside of me. I know shes very hurt and the pain of this runs deep. She doesn't owe me a second chance, and in the last month she has definitely pulled away noticeabley and tried to distance herself from me-the last time we talked face to face she said that she knows that she cant make me happy and that she can't fix my problems right now. I guess what I'm seeking advice on are given the circumstances surrounding the situation and also factoring in that I am continuing to go through consoling to help with my anxiety/ depression and I am continuing to get stronger and better.. is there any chance something like this can work out in the long term? Or am I just kidding myself? Thanks!
spellcatcher Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Hey there, your story is very touching, especially because you seemed so genuine about it. I completely understand the feeling, as I've dealt with depression for a portion of my life in the past, and it can be a major source of stress in a relationship. I would have suggested being open with her and leaning on her support (as most women do take pleasure in nurturing and caring for their partners - and not just the fun stuff with a strong man) but it seems as though you already have done that. What you shouldn't have done, in my opinion, is broken up with her when it seems that the decision should have been left up to her. It seems that she wanted to stick by you throughout it and did not abandon you once (according to your story) so why did you push her away? That is a rhetorical question... you felt you couldn't make her happy b/c of your own issues but always leave that decision up to your partner. You never know what they feel / want / or see in a situation. Sometimes caring for someone we love is happiness enough. At this point... it is tricky... time will tell... and her reaction is understandable... i naively believe that truth will set you free and love is stronger than any other human emotion. Bear in mind that so long as the both of you live... anything's possible. You just never know what the future brings. All the best~
spriggig Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 You're doing the right thing. Stay in counseling, stay away from her. She may move on to someone else and you'll never see her again, or she may move on, break up and by that time you'll be ready to try again. You must fix yourself first and to do that you have to let her go. If you cling to her and go back and forth because you're afraid to lose her, you will drive her further away until there is no chance left. Fear is the path to the dark side, let her go and trust.
usagi Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 RH the way that you describe the relationship and subsequent break ups is blow for blow what I went through to the point where I'm thinking you're my ex under the guise of a male All I can say is having been on the receiving end, I believe Spellcatcher and Spriggig are right. I'd love to hear back from my ex but I would not trust her until she had spent some serious time sorting out those problems. Stay in counselling even when it gets tough and mend yourself. Don't try and re-initiate a relationship until those issues are under control because going back before will cause even more damage and show little respect or concern for their well being and happiness. Good luck.
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