Random Contact From MM After 15 Months Of Being Off The Radar

July 28, 2010

I have not been on here for ages and most of you on this forum these days probably wont know me or my story.

In a nutshell I was involved with a MM who was controlling and manipulative by keep dropping out of contact, suddenly appearing again out of the blue, telling me things then disappearing yet again.

Last time I saw him face to face was actually a shocking 2 years ago, last phone/email contact was April last year when he promised me a life out in a city the other side of the world with him as his 'wife and kids were leaving him' but went off the radar without warning leaving me devastated and full of unanswered questions.

Then suddenly last week - after 15 months of no contact (on his terms naturally) I had an email from him. It said he can explain what happened but too long a story to email and could he call me. I replied saying he would have to tell me via email as I was without a phone (I lied about this part as I could not face speaking to him). He then offered to send me a phone in the post - I declined but thought this must be important if he is acting so eager, also I was intrigued to hear his story. I told him that I should have my phone back in full working order within the next few days (I lied that it was water damaged and drying out) and that he can try calling me then but first I wrote him a list of questions to answer before communication went any further.

He replied in bullet points, abrupt but did answer. He said he had lost all my contact details as he had had to wipe all email addresses and phone numbers last year due to 'communication interception issues'.

I asked if he was still with his wife and he said 'I am still with the kids, lets say' - I guess that's a yes then. He went on to say that I couldn't have come to said country last year to be with him as there was serious illness in his family so they had to return to the UK and that he was emotionally backmailed by the wife. He said he is now living in a town about 30 miles from me and needed to escape from his wife, coloqually known as 'trouble & strife'. He asked me if I was still living here but I did not divulge this to him, he said if I am here then at the very least I can help him to get away. He kept asking if I was still single as well.

He also mentioned that last September he left her with suitcases, everything and drove to my town looking for me but said 'it didn't work out'. Also that he has wanted to write to me many times but only recently found my email address again.

I am confused by all this, surely he would have had the decency to call me to let me know last years promise of a new life together was now not going ahead BEFORE wiping all his contact details from everywhere? And that if I was THAT important to him, he would have hand written my number down??? Also if he had left with suitcases and driven to find me - how could that have not worked out? He knows where he can find me (at least he assumes he knows I am still here - I have not confirmed my whereabouts) so how hard can it be?

Anyway I am still waiting for the phone call so I can ask him all the questions I have always wanted to know - to help me come to terms with what happened in the past.

I am very annoyed and he is already getting to me, it has been nearly 2 weeks and he has not found the chance to call? He seems to be severely messing with my head already, not changed. You would think he would be slightly more grovelling due to guilt from his appalling past behaviour? Also I want to know what his intentions are for contacting me after all this time, it would give me great satisfaction to hear him say he was going to leave for me and that he realised I am the one he loves - so then I can reply I am happily engaged to an American and immigrating next year to marry him!

July 28, 2010

Your big - strike that - huge, gargantuan and monolithic mistake, is in bold, underlined.

Enough said.

...Then suddenly last week - after 15 months of no contact (on his terms naturally) I had an email from him. It said he can explain what happened but too long a story to email and could he call me. I replied saying he would have to tell me via email as I was without a phone (I lied about this part as I could not face speaking to him).

July 28, 2010

It's amazing how 'no closure' can seriously mess with our heads. I interpret this as you still harbor feelings given that you haven't had closure. Whether they are anger or love doesn't matter, your replying is a strong indication that you haven't completely moved on and let go.

Any communication with him, especially voice communication (and I'm sure he knows this) will start reactivating the bond. You'll be all ready to tell him about the American, and maybe you will... but after you hang up it's going to haunt you for a long long time.

July 28, 2010

Your big - strike that - huge, gargantuan and monolithic mistake, is in bold, underlined.

Enough said.

I agree. I'm sorry Heartbroken, but why would you even want to reply after fifteen months of nothing? No amount of unanswered questions will satisfy you, in fact, with him I think they'll just drag you in and fill you with more anger and frustration than it resolves.

Put him behind you. You are not there at his very infrequent beck and call. In fifteen months you must have done some healing... don't ruin it all now! He is still as feckless as he always was; don't fall for it.

July 28, 2010

Honey unless I am mistaking your story for someone else's isnt this the man who was going to send you a plane ticket to come see him and never followed through - that was less than 15 months ago.

He is a loser. Brings you nothing but pain. Lies to you. Discards you.

Ignore him. You have built a fantasy in your head of something that does not exist and can never exist with him.

Why? because he makes BB07s guy look like a saint.

Stay away

July 28, 2010

I agree. I'm sorry Heartbroken, but why would you even want to reply after fifteen months of nothing? No amount of unanswered questions will satisfy you, in fact, with him I think they'll just drag you in and fill you with more anger and frustration than it resolves.

Put him behind you. You are not there at his very infrequent beck and call. In fifteen months you must have done some healing... don't ruin it all now! He is still as feckless as he always was; don't fall for it.

I AGREE!!! The only thing he could have said was...."my divorce is FINAL. All the financial stuff is done and I spent the last year in therapy working on myself as to prepare myself for the next chapter in my life....which includes you I hope" That is the only thing I'd want to hear....period.

July 28, 2010

I have not been on here for ages and most of you on this forum these days probably wont know me or my story.

In a nutshell I was involved with a MM who was controlling and manipulative by keep dropping out of contact, suddenly appearing again out of the blue, telling me things then disappearing yet again.

Last time I saw him face to face was actually a shocking 2 years ago, last phone/email contact was April last year when he promised me a life out in a city the other side of the world with him as his 'wife and kids were leaving him' but went off the radar without warning leaving me devastated and full of unanswered questions.

Then suddenly last week - after 15 months of no contact (on his terms naturally) I had an email from him. It said he can explain what happened but too long a story to email and could he call me. I replied saying he would have to tell me via email as I was without a phone (I lied about this part as I could not face speaking to him). He then offered to send me a phone in the post - I declined but thought this must be important if he is acting so eager, also I was intrigued to hear his story. I told him that I should have my phone back in full working order within the next few days (I lied that it was water damaged and drying out) and that he can try calling me then but first I wrote him a list of questions to answer before communication went any further.

He replied in bullet points, abrupt but did answer. He said he had lost all my contact details as he had had to wipe all email addresses and phone numbers last year due to 'communication interception issues'.

I asked if he was still with his wife and he said 'I am still with the kids, lets say' - I guess that's a yes then. He went on to say that I couldn't have come to said country last year to be with him as there was serious illness in his family so they had to return to the UK and that he was emotionally backmailed by the wife. He said he is now living in a town about 30 miles from me and needed to escape from his wife, coloqually known as 'trouble & strife'. He asked me if I was still living here but I did not divulge this to him, he said if I am here then at the very least I can help him to get away. He kept asking if I was still single as well.

He also mentioned that last September he left her with suitcases, everything and drove to my town looking for me but said 'it didn't work out'. Also that he has wanted to write to me many times but only recently found my email address again.

I am confused by all this, surely he would have had the decency to call me to let me know last years promise of a new life together was now not going ahead BEFORE wiping all his contact details from everywhere? And that if I was THAT important to him, he would have hand written my number down??? Also if he had left with suitcases and driven to find me - how could that have not worked out? He knows where he can find me (at least he assumes he knows I am still here - I have not confirmed my whereabouts) so how hard can it be?

Anyway I am still waiting for the phone call so I can ask him all the questions I have always wanted to know - to help me come to terms with what happened in the past.

I am very annoyed and he is already getting to me, it has been nearly 2 weeks and he has not found the chance to call? He seems to be severely messing with my head already, not changed. You would think he would be slightly more grovelling due to guilt from his appalling past behaviour? Also I want to know what his intentions are for contacting me after all this time, it would give me great satisfaction to hear him say he was going to leave for me and that he realised I am the one he loves - so then I can reply I am happily engaged to an American and immigrating next year to marry him!

What a liar! Sorry, but he's so bad it lying!

He only just remembered your email address after all this time, huh? He couldn't remember it just after the promises he made you? Wow. That is called selective memory loss.

I'm wondering if it was indeed he who emailed you or his W. If you haven't heard his voice, it may not be him. Unlikely though, as he offered to send you a phone.

But why would you want to get caught back up with a man who tosses you aside and lets you forget him only to show up 15 months later and start with the bull crap all over again? Had he been a smoother liar I could almost understand! But this guy?

He said his W was emotionally blackmailing him and that she was successful at accomplishing that. Hmmm, since you know that s*** works with him, try it yourself!

'Honey, send me $20K for a down payment on a new house and I'll think about answering your phone calls'. See if THAT works!

July 28, 2010

I AGREE!!! The only thing he could have said was...."my divorce is FINAL. All the financial stuff is done and I spent the last year in therapy working on myself as to prepare myself for the next chapter in my life....which includes you I hope" That is the only thing I'd want to hear....period.

I agree wholeheartedly.

July 28, 2010

It's amazing how 'no closure' can seriously mess with our heads. I interpret this as you still harbor feelings given that you haven't had closure. Whether they are anger or love doesn't matter, your replying is a strong indication that you haven't completely moved on and let go.

Any communication with him, especially voice communication (and I'm sure he knows this) will start reactivating the bond. You'll be all ready to tell him about the American, and maybe you will... but after you hang up it's going to haunt you for a long long time.

Yes, having no closure has been the worst thing ever, after his last disappearing act I thought there was even a chance he could be dead. He has had me in pieces on and off over the last 2 years, it has been the most heartbreaking situation I have ever had to deal with.

Part of me is saying not to have any further communication with him as he doesn't deserve any of my time, the other part of me really wants to know what he has to say.

July 28, 2010

Honey unless I am mistaking your story for someone else's isnt this the man who was going to send you a plane ticket to come see him and never followed through - that was less than 15 months ago.

He is a loser. Brings you nothing but pain. Lies to you. Discards you.

Ignore him. You have built a fantasy in your head of something that does not exist and can never exist with him.

Why? because he makes BB07s guy look like a saint.

Stay away

Hi JJ

It actually has been 15 months, time has flown - it was March/April 2009 that the 'plane ticket' saga took place, then the last I heard from him was at the end of April '09 then nothing...until now.

I thought he would never contact me again after that, I mean what could he possibly have to say to me? Does he not feel embarrassed, or worried about taking my wrath? He obviously has no remorse.

Hope you are doing ok anyway, I have not been on the Other Man/Woman forum for months.

July 28, 2010

I AGREE!!! The only thing he could have said was...."my divorce is FINAL. All the financial stuff is done and I spent the last year in therapy working on myself as to prepare myself for the next chapter in my life....which includes you I hope" That is the only thing I'd want to hear....period.

I am hoping he does say something along these lines, so I can decline his offer and let him know how wonderful my fiance is and how happy I am now. He is too late, he had a million chances in the past and blew them everytime. His loss, he cannot expect me to have waited 15 months and not progressed with my life at all?!

July 28, 2010

What a liar! Sorry, but he's so bad it lying!

He only just remembered your email address after all this time, huh? He couldn't remember it just after the promises he made you? Wow. That is called selective memory loss.

I'm wondering if it was indeed he who emailed you or his W. If you haven't heard his voice, it may not be him. Unlikely though, as he offered to send you a phone.

But why would you want to get caught back up with a man who tosses you aside and lets you forget him only to show up 15 months later and start with the bull crap all over again? Had he been a smoother liar I could almost understand! But this guy?

He said his W was emotionally blackmailing him and that she was successful at accomplishing that. Hmmm, since you know that s*** works with him, try it yourself!

'Honey, send me $20K for a down payment on a new house and I'll think about answering your phone calls'. See if THAT works!

Yes - his lies are very lame

Is he a bad liar or does he think I am that unintelligent that I will just believe everything he tells me - and after he has been extremely untrustworthy in the past?! So insulting.

No it is definitely not his wife incognito - he did call me yesterday lunchtime but I was too busy to get into a conversation, he then said he would try me at 6pm last night. The phone call still has not come...

He seems to want me to sweat for a bit, who knows how long this will take him.

My finance knows all about it (apart from the fact that he is a 50 year old married man) and thinks he sounds nuts and very unstable. He does not want me to reveal personal details about him to the MM.

He said his W was emotionally blackmailing him and that she was successful at accomplishing that. Hmmm, since you know that s*** works with him, try it yourself!

'Honey, send me $20K for a down payment on a new house and I'll think about answering your phone calls'. See if THAT works!

Haha yeah I wonder if it would work if I tried some emotional blackmail like that!

July 28, 2010

there's no need to waste your time and energy on this guy. simply send him an email that tells him to kiss off!

July 29, 2010

I have not been on here for ages and most of you on this forum these days probably wont know me or my story.

In a nutshell I was involved with a MM who was controlling and manipulative by keep dropping out of contact, suddenly appearing again out of the blue, telling me things then disappearing yet again.

Last time I saw him face to face was actually a shocking 2 years ago, last phone/email contact was April last year when he promised me a life out in a city the other side of the world with him as his 'wife and kids were leaving him' but went off the radar without warning leaving me devastated and full of unanswered questions.

Then suddenly last week - after 15 months of no contact (on his terms naturally) I had an email from him. It said he can explain what happened but too long a story to email and could he call me. I replied saying he would have to tell me via email as I was without a phone (I lied about this part as I could not face speaking to him). He then offered to send me a phone in the post - I declined but thought this must be important if he is acting so eager, also I was intrigued to hear his story. I told him that I should have my phone back in full working order within the next few days (I lied that it was water damaged and drying out) and that he can try calling me then but first I wrote him a list of questions to answer before communication went any further.

He replied in bullet points, abrupt but did answer. He said he had lost all my contact details as he had had to wipe all email addresses and phone numbers last year due to 'communication interception issues'.

I asked if he was still with his wife and he said 'I am still with the kids, lets say' - I guess that's a yes then. He went on to say that I couldn't have come to said country last year to be with him as there was serious illness in his family so they had to return to the UK and that he was emotionally backmailed by the wife. He said he is now living in a town about 30 miles from me and needed to escape from his wife, coloqually known as 'trouble & strife'. He asked me if I was still living here but I did not divulge this to him, he said if I am here then at the very least I can help him to get away. He kept asking if I was still single as well.

He also mentioned that last September he left her with suitcases, everything and drove to my town looking for me but said 'it didn't work out'. Also that he has wanted to write to me many times but only recently found my email address again.

I am confused by all this, surely he would have had the decency to call me to let me know last years promise of a new life together was now not going ahead BEFORE wiping all his contact details from everywhere? And that if I was THAT important to him, he would have hand written my number down??? Also if he had left with suitcases and driven to find me - how could that have not worked out? He knows where he can find me (at least he assumes he knows I am still here - I have not confirmed my whereabouts) so how hard can it be?

Anyway I am still waiting for the phone call so I can ask him all the questions I have always wanted to know - to help me come to terms with what happened in the past.

I am very annoyed and he is already getting to me, it has been nearly 2 weeks and he has not found the chance to call? He seems to be severely messing with my head already, not changed. You would think he would be slightly more grovelling due to guilt from his appalling past behaviour? Also I want to know what his intentions are for contacting me after all this time, it would give me great satisfaction to hear him say he was going to leave for me and that he realised I am the one he loves - so then I can reply I am happily engaged to an American and immigrating next year to marry him!

Oh please...he is playing you again and you are getting sucked back in again! He said he wants you to 'save him' from the big mean wife?

Are you really engaged to an American?

Please do NOT let this crap continue. You suffered badly the last time he pulled this and here he is again, it has been 2 weeks since he needed to speak to you so urgently.

I wish you hadn't responded to him because now the games are going to start all over again. He cannot give you the TRUE answers because he is nothing but a liar!

Congratulations on being engaged. Remember how you were so sure you would never date again? Remember all that angst you went through? Please do NOT let this ass back into your life -- he is going to cause you nothing but more heartache and I fear you will leave your fiance for 'promises' from this guy.

July 29, 2010

there's no need to waste your time and energy on this guy. simply send him an email that tells him to kiss off!

Or simply give him a taste of his own medice- don't reply back and mark his emails as spam because they are almost that! Garbage! Full of lies!

Block him from your email, don't let him mess up with your head and your future plans. Besides, at this point you are engaged to someone else. How fair would that be? Would you want to drop a man that is willing to make an honest woman out of you, bring you to the estate and most likely loves and respects you for this lying POS?

Why even make up all those stories? Try not to fall into his games. I am surprised that you are not upset to see that he thinks you're his toy?!?!?!

Hope you can remain strong and not let this AHOLE disrupt your happiness, seems like you were on your way there till he chimed in. People can only do to you what you allow them to.

July 29, 2010

My finance knows all about it (apart from the fact that he is a 50 year old married man) and thinks he sounds nuts and very unstable. He does not want me to reveal personal details about him to the MM.

Do you mean fiancé? So you weren't kidding in your OP? Wow, congratulations!

Only concern I have now is, do you love your fiancé more than fMM? If so, why be interested in anything fMM has to say?

Maybe, if he actually came through, you would gladly dump your fiancé for fMM? Not judging, just asking.

July 29, 2010

It doesn't sound like anything has changed in 15 months. He would have to be a complete moron to think you would fall for his story.

I don't know that I would bother with asking him to answer unanswered questions. All you are going to get are more lies.

July 29, 2010

WF made me think of something else....

You say your fiance knows everything -- except that he is a 50 year old MM. So what does your fiance actually KNOW then? Seems like the most crucial parts were left out...did he know you were destroyed when the MM didn't leave the wife; that he lied to you repeatedly? Are you ready to tell your new man ALL of this because if you aren't, you shouldn't open the can of worms.. You are already lying to him...

July 29, 2010

So the question now is...

Since you got the answers you expected here....since you already know where this will go if you let it...

What are you going to do now to remove this boat anchor from around your neck???

July 29, 2010

PERSONAL DETAILS?

You should NOT be communicating with xMM.

Enjoy your future. and while I greatly respect FO, I dont think you need to tell fiance anything more than you are ready to tell at a particular time.

July 29, 2010

WF made me think of something else....

You say your fiance knows everything -- except that he is a 50 year old MM. So what does your fiance actually KNOW then? Seems like the most crucial parts were left out...did he know you were destroyed when the MM didn't leave the wife; that he lied to you repeatedly? Are you ready to tell your new man ALL of this because if you aren't, you shouldn't open the can of worms.. You are already lying to him...

Yes my fiance knows all about the incident where MM promised me a new life in the new city then dropped out of contact, he said he did not need to know anymore or want to know anymore, the thought of anyone deliberately causing me pain was too much for him to bear. If he had carried on listening to the story I would have had no qualms about telling him EVERY detail.

July 29, 2010

Humans hate any form or rejection or loss of control. This guy rejected you over and over and over, making you an "addict" for his acceptance.

Once you're deep into the need for validation, one can lie, cheat, abuse etc and it's all accepted as long as the feeling of rejection is gone away.

He rejected you and you wanted to reply in order to feel validated.

No amount of contact, answers or "love" from this jerk will quench your need for his validation.

Walk away and get your closure by loving yourself.

Good luck

July 29, 2010

Humans hate any form or rejection or loss of control. This guy rejected you over and over and over, making you an "addict" for his acceptance.
Once you're deep into the need for validation, one can lie, cheat, abuse etc and it's all accepted as long as the feeling of rejection is gone away.

He rejected you and you wanted to reply in order to feel validated.

No amount of contact, answers or "love" from this jerk will quench your need for his validation.
Walk away and get your closure by loving yourself.

Good luck

Excellent post!

You have evaded the questions about continuing contact, heartbroken; this I take to mean that you aren't going to forget it/him and walk away? What can you possibly (realistically) gain from this? Think of your fiance... walk.

July 29, 2010

Do you mean fiancé? So you weren't kidding in your OP? Wow, congratulations!

Only concern I have now is, do you love your fiancé more than fMM? If so, why be interested in anything fMM has to say?

Maybe, if he actually came through, you would gladly dump your fiancé for fMM? Not judging, just asking.

Yes I really am engaged to an American and moving over there next year to be with him, he is currently in Iraq until May next year, feeling vulnerable right now - xMM couldn't have contacted me at a worse time

My finace is the sweetest guy ever and treats me so well, I would never ditch him for MM who treated me appallingly - however I feel I need to hear him out if/when he calls again. I dont know why, I wish I could just forget him but I want to listen to what he has to tell me then hopefully it will help me come to terms with what happened in the past. My husband to be knows my reasons for wanting to, and is happy for me to do so but warned me to be careful and not to reveal any personal info about him.

July 29, 2010

Humans hate any form or rejection or loss of control. This guy rejected you over and over and over, making you an "addict" for his acceptance.
Once you're deep into the need for validation, one can lie, cheat, abuse etc and it's all accepted as long as the feeling of rejection is gone away.

He rejected you and you wanted to reply in order to feel validated.

No amount of contact, answers or "love" from this jerk will quench your need for his validation.
Walk away and get your closure by loving yourself.

Good luck

Yes, brilliant post - really rings true to me, thanks.

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