Beebie Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 It's been a while since I posted on here but I'm feeling so depressed I feel I just need to vent. My full story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t205051/ In a nutshell my situation is this. Been married 16 years. 10 months ago H came home and said he wanted out of the marriage. It took a long time to get to the truth but he was having an affair and 8 months ago, after much questioning, he finally admitted he'd been seeing someone else. He stayed away from home for many weeks, during which time I've tried to build a new life for myself. I've spent part of my time with my family who have been a tremendous support but I've had my (marital) home to come back to when I've needed space. In the meantime, H has moved into a new house with his mistress but today H came back to the marital home to collect most of his things. It's really knocked me back and I keep looking at the empty space where his "things" should be. Since H announced his exit from this marriage I haven't really made much progress in rebuilding my life. I'm still very lonely and I can't figure out where to go from here. I would like to think I could meet someone else and find happiness but I just don't know. I don't think I could trust anyone and I feel so damaged by what he's done to me. I guess it's that awful rollercoaster. When I'm up I can't seem to stay up and when I'm down - well, it seems an awful long time and I feel the pits. I can't believe this. 10 months down the line and I'm still feeling this low. Is there any hope? What can I do to turn my life around?
worlybear Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Hey,just read your story and it mirrors my experience in a lot of ways. Like yours my ex also denied there was anyone else but was caught out. I totally understand how you feel knocked back by his removing his possessions. The advice I found most helpful was to move(not possible at the time) or re-arrange furniture,put up different curtains etc and make it MY home.I also changed a couple of rooms just by painting coloured walls and it really helped. Socially its not easy to make new friends and it takes time to meet people again.(18 months on).I have been visiting the local rotary club as a stepping stone- plus you get to help people in the community.Perhaps that may be an idea for you? Have you any children or extended family? This time of the year,especially there are lots of fetes and fairs on in support of churches,schools etc-it means that you get to chat to people at least for a little while. Hope this helps.:bunny:
Butterflair Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 It's similar to mine too in many ways. We are both 51 and I ended a 32 yr marriage in Nov. I wish he had been the one to say he wanted out but he left that up to me after I found out his affair. His version is we were growing apart (my fault) and yes that was true but the catalyst is that little sexual affair he was having with a girl half his age. I had him move his things out as soon as possible so it wouldn't linger. As worlybear suggested, rearranging furniture helps and a fresh coat of paint, I did both to my bedroom and bathroom. Now it's MY room. I plan to move sometime next year, not sure where but I want to live in a house that the OW hasn't been in and a change of scenery would be great. I've lived here for 25 years and I don't have that many close friends so leaving wouldn't be that hard. My kids would go too so we'll all start over. I also plan to ditch all the furniture and most things I own for a fresh start. Guess I should start the Ebay auctions now. lol One day at a time, make small changes to your house to give it a different look, especially if it's something he never let you do.
popey Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 You were together for 16 years. Don't be hard on yourself that after 10 mos, you are not over it. You have much to grieve. You've lost more than someone who's spouse died. That takes time. I'm sorry you are so down. But yes, there is definitely still hope. Hang in there.
Author Beebie Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I'm very grateful for support right now. I have done some rearranging in the house. I've made it MY home rather than ours (not that he would have noticed today). I've long since accepted this marriage is over and I truly don't think I'd want him back if he came 22ct gold gift wrapped! (once a cheat, always a cheat). It did hurt me today when he took his things. It just felt like he was moving forward very swiftly in his life whilst I am stood standing still. I'm not ready to date anyone right now but I have been thinking about the possibility of meeting someone new, eventually. I do have trust issues which I'm hoping I will eventually be able to overcome, but first I need to meet people and regain my confidence in the outside world. I try my best to put on a happy face but I think my sadness is written all over me and I think people see it. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.
HopelessinDTW Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I'm very grateful for support right now. I have done some rearranging in the house. I've made it MY home rather than ours (not that he would have noticed today). I've long since accepted this marriage is over and I truly don't think I'd want him back if he came 22ct gold gift wrapped! (once a cheat, always a cheat). It did hurt me today when he took his things. It just felt like he was moving forward very swiftly in his life whilst I am stood standing still. I'm not ready to date anyone right now but I have been thinking about the possibility of meeting someone new, eventually. I do have trust issues which I'm hoping I will eventually be able to overcome, but first I need to meet people and regain my confidence in the outside world. I try my best to put on a happy face but I think my sadness is written all over me and I think people see it. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. You need to think positive, and have positive people around you. I know what you mean when you say " I think my sadness is written all over me and I think people see it"...I've been told that my emotions are written all over my face. It's tough to hold that much pain and suffering inside, and not be able to show it. You just need to give yourself time, and try not to force yourself into a relationship until you feel like yourself. My wife has an OM, and I understand what you mean when you say how quickly they have move forward. But, have they really?? All they have done is put a temporary band-aid on a wound that requires major surgery. So it may appear as though you're stuck, but in reality you are much further ahead because you learned from this tragedy. And now you can be a better & smarter person when you have your next relationship.
spriggig Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I agree with DTW, he may appear to have moved on but is just lying to himself. It's not important, though--compare yourself only to yourself. Have you really stood still? Do you feel exactly as though today was D-Day? If your progress has simply stalled for a few weeks it's time to make a few changes to your routine--again. Keeping a diary or journal can help you track your progress and see how far you've really come.
Butterflair Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 They haven't really moved on, they replaced us with someone else. They don't know what it's like to be alone and take care of themselves. We are learning that and growing stronger each day, they are not. As far as trust and new relationships, I'm on the same wavelength, I worry about that for just a bit and then I let it go. What I need to focus on is loving myself and enjoying my own life for awhile before I get into that situation again. So for now, I'm not looking, if someone falls into my lap then maybe I'll give it a go. (slowly) Remember, we are in charge of our life. The reason others upset us is because we let them. He has no power over you any more. You own your life now, you are in charge. You must feel a bit stronger then on day 1, I do. We will have setbacks but we will continue moving forward and getting stronger and one day we'll be ready!
Steadfast Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I've used this line to death, but it still applies: don't feel bad about feeling bad. The break up of a long term marriage is as difficult as anything you'll endure...especially if you really love and care for your ex-spouse. You're right; dismiss all thoughts of dating. Nothing wrong with dating, but it is nothing more than extra stress when you're still dealing. It isn't fair to the other person either. Consider them. Someday, you'll again feel the thrill one gets when in the presence of love. You'll trust again when a person shows you (with more than words) that they truly care. In reality, your ability to trust will be strengthened because you'll be so much smarter. Like most of us, you'll learn a great deal. It's powerful-
Author Beebie Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Some wonderful advice and encouragement here. This is exactly what I need. I woke up this morning feeling much stronger than yesterday. I have terrific support from my family, but sometimes I think we need to hear fresh words of encouragement from others. I really do need to move on to the next level and start making new friends. I have arranged something (sports) which starts at the end of August which will bring me into contact with loads of people. In the meantime I need to work on my confidence so when I do meet people I come across as positive and outgoing. To be honest I need to start smiling more (something which I find difficult to do because inside I'm so unhappy). I also need to learn how to start up conversations with strangers and any advice on this (very scary) task would be most appreciated. I AM in a better place than I was 10 months ago and I do want to have hope that I can build a happier future. It's MY life and I want to live it!
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