danilost Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I was married about 15 years ago when I was only 18. My parents made me get married because I was pregnant. I never really loved him and about 2 years into the marriage I met his Cousin who was 10 years older than him. He was extremely handsome, and very interesting. He had traveled all around the world and was just so different from anyone I had ever met before. He started asking to go places with my husband and I. He started spending a lot of time at my house, and called me frequently. I was not blind to what he was doing. I knew he was attracted to me. One day he came over to ewatch a movie when my husband wasn't home, and we ended up sleepnig together. Long story short, I ended up leaving my husband for him. We were together 2 1/2 years after that, but I don't really think he was ever really open about us with his family. I think they knew....but they didn't know. After 2 1/2 years he started talking about traveling again, and becoming a lot more distant than he had been. I decided at this point to give him a choice, I told him if he was going to be this distant I prefered not to see him before he left to go over seas. 3 months later I recieved a e-mail from him, that he didn't contact me....just as I wished. He also wanted me to know he had just married a girl he met in the Philippines. I was heart broken to say the least. We spoke a few more times, but lost contact. 8 months ago I heard from him. Wondering how I am after so long. He wanted to see me, to catch up. I am now married with 2 kids. Stupid as I was, I went to see him. He told me his wife had put him into dept. She was a compulsive gambler, he hated his step children, and was a recovering alcoholis, and pain med addict. I should have seen the red light then. I should have stopped myself but I had so many old unresolved feelings for him, so I ended up sleeping with him. We continued to text, talk, see eachother for a while, all the time he kept telling me, his parents told him he could move back in with them, he went to see a lawyer, she was moving out once the kids were done with school. All the thing I wanted to hear. One day I decided I would draw the line for him. I let him know exactly how I felt about him, and I needed to know his intentions. He then told me that he was feeling guilty and couldn't see me anymore. Needless to say I flipped. He continued to text me, but telling me he was working things out with his wife. I found out a few weeks later I was pregnant. When I told him he said I could do whatever I wanted. I told him I was getting an abortion, and he said he wouldn't help pay for it unless he could be there to prove I had it done. I was so upset. Did he think I was lying after all we had been through? I decided to take care of it myself. I became very angry and said some things I really regret. Suddenly even before I had the abortion, he totally cut me off. I texted him several times over 4 months with no reply. I ended up having a friend take me to have the abortion. Afew days ago I sent him a text saying that I was going to send a letter to the IRS because he had told me his wife has been working under the table and collecting unemployment. I basically said it because I just wanted a response from him. An answer as to why he cut me off. He replyed by saying I was harassing him, and he had no interest in me...even suggesting I need mental help. Am I right to say I deserve more than to be used and thrown away like this. After all, I have spent the last 10 years covering his ass.
TOWinNYC Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Hey Dani, I'm sorry you're going thru this right now. I know you were trying to illustrate the longevity of your involvement with this guy but your post seemed a little all over the place. If I'm reading this correctly, there was a time period of 10 years where you guys had "lost touch", right? And it was only 8 months ago that the two of you reconnected and got re-involved; 4 months ago that you found out you were pregnant and when you let him know, he cut communication with you? Maybe I'm missing something but where does this "spent the last 10 years covering his ass" line come from? I'm just confused. Putting all that aside, if he thinks you're "harassing him", if he has "no interest in you", what are YOU getting out of this? Meaning, why would you want to pursue this? Also, I don't necessarily think you were "used and thrown away" - but I understand that you're in a lot of pain right now and I'm sorry.
Author danilost Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 What I ment about covering for him is that I have had many the opertunity to tell his family about us, and I haven't. i guess I just don't understand how a man can just discard someone so easily, especially if she is pregnant. He never told me not to contact him, he just stopped contacting me. I guess since I was still pregnant at the time I deserved some kind of answer.
TOWinNYC Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 What I ment about covering for him is that I have had many the opertunity to tell his family about us, and I haven't. Gotcha - but do you think that would have made a difference in your current situation? i guess I just don't understand how a man can just discard someone so easily, especially if she is pregnant. He never told me not to contact him, he just stopped contacting me. I guess since I was still pregnant at the time I deserved some kind of answer. You DID get an answer - prior to the pregnancy he said he was feeling guilty and couldn't see you anymore. While you were pregnant he said he wouldn't pay for the abortion unless you could prove it was done (total a**hole move, if you ask me). Then he cut off contact. That's a pretty big answer in my book. When you say you "deserved some kind of answer" are you sure that's not code for "I wanted him to behave differently"? And yes, there's pain associated with realizing he's not the person you wanted him to be. I think he's a piece of work and you're better off without him.
Author danilost Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I know I am better off. I wish I had known his true feelings sooner. Would have saved me a lot of pain...I guess I just have to hope time will heal.
Minnie09 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Are you single now, or in a relationship? What interests me is how your R with him was during those 2.5 yrs in the past? And why did it end? Only because he wanted to travel? Your situation sounds very messed up, very sad. I can relate. My heart goes out to you. Do you love him, still?
Author danilost Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 We were very happy the 2 1/2 years we were together. We saw eachother everyday up till about a month before he left. He had gone to Tiland About 3 months before my divorce went through, but haden't traveled since then. I am guessing it was more of an excuse to get out of our relationship. I think the family thing mattered more to him than he let on. I am still with my husband, he has no knowledge of the situation. I do love my husband, but more as a friend....I don't know if that makes any sense. I really wish I could say I don't love him, but I would be lying. You would think all that he did would make me see the light. I may hate him, but I unfortunately still love him. I know it is going to be a long hard road.
In_Repair Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) Damn, this guy really did use you and throw you away... now you know how your two husbands felt. Sorry, but that needed to be said. He is a complete POS for drawing you away from those two families over nothing more than a sexual fling. He knew he was going to leave you and your children high and dry, yet he allowed you to do that to yourself TWICE. The selfish bastard should be wiped from the face of the earth. I would expect him to call on you in the future though. Just wait until he is single and lonely again. EDIT: I see in your last post that you are still with the husband. Just forget about that guy and live your life. Edited July 28, 2010 by In_Repair addition
Author danilost Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I do plan on trying to concentrate on my family, and regaining my sanity. Hopefully soon these bad memories will fade.
U2RockZz Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) the problem is you can't stay faithful to anybody....why are you wasting his(your H) time...why not get a divorce....let him live his life with out this drama.... i definitely agree with ,you need a mental help..... Edited July 28, 2010 by U2RockZz
Author danilost Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I actually have been seeing a therapist since my abortion. He agreed that I had the right to an explination, in order to validate my feelings. I have one now and will do everything I can to save my marriage. my only weakness has been this "one person." did not cheat before , after, or in between. Since I now know better, it will not happen again. Thank you so much for you concern.
fooled once Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Gotcha - but do you think that would have made a difference in your current situation? You DID get an answer - prior to the pregnancy he said he was feeling guilty and couldn't see you anymore. While you were pregnant he said he wouldn't pay for the abortion unless you could prove it was done (total a**hole move, if you ask me). Then he cut off contact. That's a pretty big answer in my book. When you say you "deserved some kind of answer" are you sure that's not code for "I wanted him to behave differently"? And yes, there's pain associated with realizing he's not the person you wanted him to be. I think he's a piece of work and you're better off without him. We were very happy the 2 1/2 years we were together. We saw eachother everyday up till about a month before he left. He had gone to Tiland About 3 months before my divorce went through, but haden't traveled since then. I am guessing it was more of an excuse to get out of our relationship. I think the family thing mattered more to him than he let on. I am still with my husband, he has no knowledge of the situation. I do love my husband, but more as a friend....I don't know if that makes any sense. I really wish I could say I don't love him, but I would be lying. You would think all that he did would make me see the light. I may hate him, but I unfortunately still love him. I know it is going to be a long hard road. I am confused...you cheated on your H for 2+ years with his cousin? And now you are married to someone else, you have 2 kids and you cheated on THIS husband too with this guy? And you are threatening him about calling the IRS and bemoaning that he dumped you after you didn't tell his family that he was screwing you while you were married to your first husband? And seriously, you think that info will make HIM look bad to his family? He will just say you seduced him. Yes, counseling is needed for you. For you to harbor these feelings for him and for you to cheat on your 2nd husband TOO with this guy...when it is obvious that he has used you You need to find out why you allow this guy to treat you so horribly; why you accept such crappy treatment from this jerk. Are you sure you aborted his child and not your H's child? Man....this is messed up. I disagree with your therapist. This guy doesn't OWE you any explanation. Sometimes in life, we don't get explanations but that doesn't mean we get to act out and/or throw a tantrum. You own your feelings; no one else should validate them and only YOU control your feelings, no one else. Yes, people should treat each other decently, but come one - this guy thought it was okay to screw his cousin's wife (and yes, you allowed it). You both are culpable in that -- you each need to own your actions in it. He didn't seduce you or hold a gun to your head. You actively engaged in an affair while married to the guy's cousin. In regards to your current marriage, if you do not and cannot love your husband as a lover, as a wife should love her husband, set him free to find someone who can and will love him in a romantic, intimate way. Be HONEST with him so he can make a decision on HIS life. Maybe he feels the same way.... Good luck
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 We were very happy the 2 1/2 years we were together. We saw eachother everyday up till about a month before he left. He had gone to Tiland About 3 months before my divorce went through, but haden't traveled since then. I am guessing it was more of an excuse to get out of our relationship. I think the family thing mattered more to him than he let on. I am still with my husband, he has no knowledge of the situation. I do love my husband, but more as a friend....I don't know if that makes any sense. I really wish I could say I don't love him, but I would be lying. You would think all that he did would make me see the light. I may hate him, but I unfortunately still love him. I know it is going to be a long hard road. Hey! Listen up! This guy deserves someone who actually loves him. If you can't do that... then it's your responsibility to let him go! I actually have been seeing a therapist since my abortion. He agreed that I had the right to an explination, in order to validate my feelings. I have one now and will do everything I can to save my marriage. my only weakness has been this "one person." did not cheat before , after, or in between. Since I now know better, it will not happen again. Thank you so much for you concern. Not good enough. If you can't love him as a wife should... let him go! What right do you have to deny another person a chance at happiness. It's just terrible.
Author danilost Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 I did not cheat on my husband for 21/2 years. that was missunderstood. i cheated on my first husband for a month and then left. I had, if you remember, married him when I was 18 because my parents made me. As for my current marriage, I believe I made a mistake by falling for the memory of somone I had never really fallen out of love with. As I said I have seeked the counsel of a profesional. I am sure it was this mans baby because I had not slept with my husband for several months at the time. My husband was having issues at work that he was bringing home w/ him and didn't want to have anything to do with me. We Have a 2 year old and don't want to have a broken home.
Minnie09 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Got it. You fell for a fantasy man who misled you. You decided to overlook all the red flags along the way. For a long time. Too long. Basically, throughout two marriages. It took a harsh wake-up call for you to see who he really is. Now you're back in reality. I hope you're done with him. Other people would have turned their back on him as soon as he left in order to get married to somebody else shortly after. You needed another prove and you got it. Let go of the past. Good you're in therapy. I understand the temptation to get revenge. Been there, done that. Don't act on it. It's going to haunt you. Take care of yourself and your loved ones. You've been deeply hurt and this is why you have to let go. If you still love your H, work on your M. Show him that you care.
bestplayer Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I did not cheat on my husband for 21/2 years. that was missunderstood. i cheated on my first husband for a month and then left. I had, if you remember, married him when I was 18 because my parents made me. As for my current marriage, I believe I made a mistake by falling for the memory of somone I had never really fallen out of love with. As I said I have seeked the counsel of a profesional. I am sure it was this mans baby because I had not slept with my husband for several months at the time. My husband was having issues at work that he was bringing home w/ him and didn't want to have anything to do with me. We Have a 2 year old and don't want to have a broken home. what if this guy comes back after some time & says he wants to be with you ? wouldn't you start everything again with him ?
RedDevil66 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 A few things, you're not a victim to any of this. It seems to me you cannot be alone and need to go from one man to another whether you love them or not. My suggestion would be to get some therapy and try to work on your fears of being alone. Your pattern of being with men you don't truly love will never stop and you'll never be happy until you love you. There are times when one is addicted to drama and pain and doesn't even realize it, this seems to be your case. Once your ex told you he was married, that's when you should have gathered your dignity and moved on. If you truly want peace, then get some help wishing you well
Mimolicious Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Sorry that you are going through this but sugar-coating the situation is not going to minimize it. It takes 2 to tango and it's basically unfair to place all the blame on the MM, you are not the victim either. You have to take responsibility and own it. You have an issue with infidelity. I understand that you had an arranged marriage and all but this was a double wammy. His cousin???!! Yikes! for 2.5 yrs you concealed your relationship with this guy because you knew it was not HEALTHY! Making idle threats that you are going to call the IRS? Disturbing! You can't understand how he can discard you so easily? The lack of self-respect speaks volumes here! Take it back to how all of this started and you may be able to clear the fog. You may be asking for something that you havent given and that is a little "consideration". Nobody else has been considered in this mess. His W, your xH, H, kids, relatives, etc... If you don't love your H, then be honest with him and don't waste his life. He doesn't have to live like this, in the dark. Continue with your therapy. Hope you find some comfort and heal yourself. I hope you have learned your lesson.
Author danilost Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Yesterday was the first night in a long time I actually had a good night sleep. Played with the kids, watched a movie with my husband. It felt really good. Hope there are a lot more days like this to come.
2sure Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 dani - at some point in each of our lives we each have to own up to the fact that we are no longer someone else's victim. The things that we do, the things that we say, the circumstances we find or have found ourselves in...are not someone elses fault. You are not entitled to blame anyone for your mistakes. It is not your job to get revenge. Its a freeing thing. The mistakes are still made, but when we own them ourselves, we have a better chance of overcoming them. When we continue to blame others...there is nothing but frustration and anger. I'm glad you slept well.
Author danilost Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 A full week without texting him or e-mailing him. I feel stronger every day.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 As for my current marriage, I believe I made a mistake by falling for the memory of somone I had never really fallen out of love with. As I said I have seeked the counsel of a profesional. I am sure it was this mans baby because I had not slept with my husband for several months at the time. My husband was having issues at work that he was bringing home w/ him and didn't want to have anything to do with me. We Have a 2 year old and don't want to have a broken home. Dani, I don't know your life, but I know that how we treat others is a testament to who we are. You can blame everyone around you for your troubles... your husband doesn't give you enough attention... this other guy uses you... ect. I'm sad to read your story, because the people who care about you are the ones you hurt and you don't take responsibility for that.
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