cnote123 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Hi people, this is my first post on this site. I've never been in a situation like this, and I need advice, any advice... My ex and I broke up 5 months ago. Our relationship was about a year long, on and off, it was strange and very informal...he kept our relationship a secret from a lot of people, especially his family. His family had an issue with him dating non-jewish white girls (he's Iranian and I'm white), and he had a problem with me opting out of law school (he's an MD). It ended badly. I was so in love with him and he emphatically told me we could never be together, he screened my calls and told me to leave him alone, it was a terrible time for me. About a two weeks after our breakup I met a new guy, a seemingly PERFECT guy - beautiful Italian guy, PhD, amazing family, the whole nine yards. We hooked up quickly and I've been dating him since, about 4 months now. But for whatever reason...I could not stop thinking about and missing my ex, everything about him, it's been true silent torture. Last week my EX called me out of the blue, and I ignored him, didn't call back. He began texting and asked me to please talk to him. Last night I talked to him, and he was funny and charming and amazing as usual. He wanted to see me, he said he missed my friendship and talking with me, laughing with me. He said he knew I had a boyfriend (probably looked at my Facebook), and that he just wanted to hang out as friends. I told him I couldn't see him, my boyfriend would get upset (of course he would!) and I told him I also couldn't see him because I couldn't trust myself to not fall for him again; that I couldn't allow myself to like him again, it would just be too painful. He seemed very, very sad. I could just feel it like a horrible weight. I felt so sad too. He said he "should've done more" the last time we spoke, I don't know what he meant by that. But I could feel his lonliness and I really felt bad for him, it was an extremely awkward moment. But the bottom line is, I am still in love with him. I'm not in love with my boyfriend, as perfect as he is. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'd regret breaking up with my boyfriend to try and be with my ex again. But I don't know how to fake this love for my ex day and night, it's tearing me apart. I'd appreciate any real, non super generic advice that anyone could give me. This situation deals with late 20-something professional adults. I need to handle this maturely...please, any advice would be helpful.
DustySaltus Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Couple of things: 1) Unless you are willing to convert to Judaism, this will always be a problem with your ex's family. 2) I got into law school as well but I decided it wasn't for me. It wasn't what was going to make me happiest in life at the time. Anyone who couldn't be supportive with me in my decision would be someone that I couldn't be with over the long term. 3) I just have a feeling that if you did decide to get back with your ex that YOU would be the person down the line who may regret leaving the new guy. 4) Your ex dropped you pretty quickly, wouldn't take your calls. Seems like he runs from the issues. 5) I understand that you could still love an old flame while with a new one. Love takes time to grow, you can't put a timeline on it. You just have to be open to it. The decision ultimately is yours, but I hope you take these things into consideration when making it. Good luck.
Author cnote123 Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Thanks for the response Dusty. The thing is, my ex didn't say he wanted to give us another shot. He just said he "had a lot of regrets" and wanted to hang out in person. Had he said he wanted me back, I might take the risk of leaving my boyfriend and ultimately, probably, losing both the ex and the boyfriend for the slim chance that my ex and I just might work. But he did not say he wanted me back. My boyfriend now is amazing, but I don't love him. But I'll stay with him, because I SHOULD love him. I wish life didn't work this way. I wish people would just say what they want to say, just lay it out on the line. But there IS so much to lose...comfortable stability and companionship, a good paying career. I'm 27, and I hope, I do hope that in time I will not regret sacrificing passion and pulse for a life of convenience and fear of the unknown. But I have a feeling it is something I will, in fact, regret in years to come. I would have converted for him, that wasn't an issue, I'm not religious. I think his reaction to my decision to not pursue a JD right now was more telltailing of support issues/materialism issues that would be a problem for us as a couple. Anyway, ceis la vie - right.
Livelovelearn Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Hello, I am a bit younger but i can relate to your situation. My ex of almost 3 years broke up with me because of problems we were having and of course he got another girlfriend. I have had a hard time trying to move on and about a month and a half ago i met this amazing guy at my work! He is a good man he is also 8 years older than me but i dont care. My ex was 5 years older. This man has been in a messy situation as well where his ex cheated on him but together its like we put those issues to the side. Anyway my ex sent me a text asking if i wanted to go eat something if i wasnt busy and i dont know what to say. I do not love the guy im with and i still love my ex but he hurt me terribly. I do not know what to do but i do know it would not be fair to the other guy, somethings love isnt enough though so if you have other qualities with the other guy that makes you feel more secure in a relationship then you should stick with him and possibly just be friends with your ex if you guys can handle it. As for me, i see my ex is contacting me more and i was surprised he asked me out to eat but i still am so confused. But anywho good luck with your situation and remember that asides from love , you need honesty, respect, mutual goals to keep a relationship going...you decide which man is more compatible
spriggig Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 So your ex dumped you and you jumped into a rebound relationship WAY too soon. You're not going to like this but here is the path out. You have to give them both up. You must give yourself the time you need to become whole again after your breakup, only then will you be ready for another try at a long term relationship. If you fail to do this, the rebound relationship will end sooner than later and you'll be in the same boat you are now, just months older. Don't string along the rebound PHD while you're still in love with your ex, it's not fair to him. Don't go back to your ex, he's not strong enough to stand up to his family and probably doesn't want to. Be alone and become whole again. If you're lucky the PHD will still be pining after you, if you're not, well you don't seem to have any trouble attracting doctors.
Author cnote123 Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Thanks Spriggig, I agree with your response. The thing is...I got really lucky with the Italian PhD guy, I mean, talk about the rebound of a girl's dreams. But I know I'm not "ready" to be with him, and it is certainly unfair to him that I'm thinking so much about my ex. Despite all that though, the more I think about it, the more I realize I would be a complete idiot to mess things up with my current boyfriend. If I let him go, he'll get snatched up instantly. I'm just trying to stay rational here and think about why I'm ready to ruin everything over an unreasonable obsession with my ex. I had great chemistry with my ex, but you're right, he won't stand up to his family, it would be a constant problem. And I'd never trust him again, I'd be walking on egg shells indefinitely. Though I know what I *ought* to do, leave both the ex and the current guy, I have to give it my best with my boyfriend now. Not doing THAT would be something I know I would eventually regret. But thank you for the advice. And yeah, the doctor thing, lol. 5 years ago when I was dating my pothead boyfriend in college I never thought I'd be presented with dueling doctors. But they have the same issues, insecurities, immaturities as the pothead boyfriend or any other guy. I honestly wouldn't mind just a regular Joe Schmo in a cubicle though. I'm just a regular girl.
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