Star Gazer Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I saw my therapist yesterday, and she said some things that made me really curious. She pointed out 7 different really, really hard things that I've been through in the past 3-4 years, and reminded me of how I'd handled them (in her words, "well"). She said that I've gotten better and better with each sh*tty experience (she's been with me through 3 of those experiences), that I'm incredibly adaptive, and that I have amazing resilience... that my tendency isn't to build walls or be fearful, but rather to just dust myself off and push forward again, and again, and again, in all matters that are important to me - personally, romantically, professionally. She said this is... rare. That most people build up defense mechanisms ("walls"), but that I don't. I may bruise, but I never break. She said this with a smile on her face, but I'm not sure this is a good thing. How about all of you? Do you consider yourself resilient? Or do you put up walls with each bad experience? What's a healthy level of defense mechanism?
Minnie09 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I envy people with resilience. I think I have none, unfortunately, and I dislike that about myself. Yes, I do build up walls and tend to bottle up resentment, which definitely makes moving forward harder or impossible. And even IF I do, I tend to obsess over past events, the WHYs and IFs and other useless sh*t. I am thankful, though, that I know myself. It gives me hope that I might be able to change my weaknesses into something positive. Some day. So, SG, do you think you were born with resilience (because I think some people are), or did you learn it at some point in your life? What's your therapist's approach on that?
Author Star Gazer Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 So, SG, do you think you were born with resilience (because I think some people are), or did you learn it at some point in your life? What's your therapist's approach on that? I think I learned it. It was a slow realization, but I eventually realized that I can and will survive anything (other than my own death, of course). It made me more comfortable with taking risks and putting myself out there again, because I know that it might hurt, but that I'll eventually be okay. To me, the risk of getting hurt is worth the potential reward. But my therapist seems to think I was born with that predisposition.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 If it's all true and you get the praise because you deserve it, it's great to be recognized by someomne else for it. If it's just a psychological ploy to try to boost your ego that deep down inside you know isn't true then it's hollow crappolla that can back fire and make one less trusting. I found my first psychiatrist (referred to me by a psychotherapist) to be very supportive because he would actually listen without pre-judgement and indeed boost my ego though with compliments on my displayed intelligence and the potential he seemed to believe he could see in me. But I had to move and I've never really had anyone more than someone trying to trawl me for problems rather than try to really understand me individually. They were box checkers and value assigners that make me puke.
TouchedByViolet Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 How about all of you? Do you consider yourself resilient? Or do you put up walls with each bad experience? What's a healthy level of defense mechanism? Walls? I think I have more of a big dark castle. I spend some days there and others out in the open. Resilience is a wonderful trait. I admire those with this quality. I have read a few of your threads and this quality you genuinely have.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 If it's all true and you get the praise because you deserve it, it's great to be recognized by someomne else for it. If it's just a psychological ploy to try to boost your ego that deep down inside you know isn't true then it's hollow crappolla that can back fire and make one less trusting. What she said about me is definitely true. I've always identified myself as strong, and resilient, in my own way. I'm just not sure being resilient is necessarily a good thing. Like a child learns not to put their hand on a stove after having been burnt. I keep putting my hand on the stove, thinking, "Maybe this time it won't be hot?" But I never scar from the burns. I can't explain it as a layperson... but I wonder if I NEED to build some walls or defense mechanism, if only gloves for the damn stove.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Walls? I think I have more of a big dark castle. I spend some days there and others out in the open. That sounds like most of the guys I've dated. And there I am, the princess approaching the castle, trying to figure out what the heck the drawbridge and moat are for. Why would they need it? If the castle is invaded, move to a new one. If it burns down, build a new one. See the difference in thinking? Am I just... naive, or... too open? Or...? As you can tell, I'm having difficulty with this. I also think that if it's true that resilience is rare, and that having defenses is common, that I'm going to have a REALLY hard time finding someone I can really, truly, relate to.
anne1707 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 but I wonder if I NEED to build some walls or defense mechanism, if only gloves for the damn stove. But if you build those walls then you can never fully experience the joys of life. Your resilience gives you the strength to learn and move on and is very positive - just think of how you have seen from your recent break up that there are things you maybe compromised yourself on and know that you do not want to do again. That is building your inner strength so that you don't lose your sense of self rather than building a wall that never allows anybody to see the real you. Also, some things are beyond protection from defence mechanisms - would you really have wanted to be in a situation where your grandmother who you loved very much was less special so it hadn't hurt as much when you lost her. Of course not - you adored her and would not want anything to detract from that. ((hugs))
Minnie09 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I think it's not that rare. It just means that you're optimistic enough to try a new start after each failure, no matter how hard it may have been on you, and maintain a positive attitude. Other people, who are not resilient, tend to slip into depression, e.g. after an R has ended or whatever. It's also a cultural thing, IMO. Plus, the genes, of course. Plus, how you were raised, of course. But, MANY guys are totally drawn to women like you. Seriously. Even the depressed ones. Everybody likes a positive attitude. Resilience usually shows on the outside.
shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) The solution isn't to build walls, because that will just indiscriminately block anyone from entering. It's to build a better filter that not only blocks out the wrong guys, but lets in the right ones. That means trusting your gut and not what people tell you about how a relationship should work in an ideal world. Let's say you have this nagging inner feeling that something is a bit off, like you've been dating a guy for awhile and he still hasn't told you he loves you, even though you've reached an appropriate level of intimacy. You may come here and people will say, "don't worry about it, there's no time frame for dropping the l bomb." You swallow their advice and suppress your gut feeling only to find out you were right that something was off. I've seen that happen more times on LS than I can count. Instead trust your gut, re-evaulate and detach a bit. Also, think about it in turns of what you want, not whether he wants you. For example, I want a guy who is totally crazy about me. If you focus on the latter, you won't be yourself around him. Also be honest with yourself about things you may have done to contribute to past breakups and try to avoid those behaviors. But make sure you get them under control first when you're single. If your gut instinct isn't tuned to subtle cues, you may miss them. So try to pay attention a bit harder next time. Figure out what some of the warning signs were in the past that you may have missed and be attuned to them next time around. Sometimes you'll get it wrong and they were be no warning signs, but I think those cases are rare. Edited July 28, 2010 by shadowplay
TouchedByViolet Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 That sounds like most of the guys I've dated. And there I am, the princess approaching the castle, trying to figure out what the heck the drawbridge and moat are for. Why would they need it? If the castle is invaded, move to a new one. If it burns down, build a new one. See the difference in thinking? Am I just... naive, or... too open? Or...? As you can tell, I'm having difficulty with this. I also think that if it's true that resilience is rare, and that having defenses is common, that I'm going to have a REALLY hard time finding someone I can really, truly, relate to. I use my defenses when the world makes no sense. Lately, that has been more and more... I don't want to get hurt because it makes feel stupid and unlovable. Rejection and abandonment weigh heavily on me. I don't have your ability to dust it off and move forward quickly. Instead I brood and think and think and think. So I enjoy staying inside my castle where I am safe. I feel like I should add some positive advice here but not really sure what to say. Resilience is definitely a positive trait however learning from mistakes is just as important. Take a honest look at your recently ended relationships and see what possible commonalities exist.
JohnnyBlaze Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I need walls in my life. I have two major problems (in this matter, anyway); I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I don't know the meaning of "it's not personal". As un-guy-ish as it may sound, I can't compartmentalize; there is no "just business" to me. It's all personal. Between those two flaws, I can either build walls that'd make China jealous, or repeatedly open myself up to personal pain. I've done the latter enough; it has been neither fun nor productive. Of course, that's not to say some don't get through the walls. I intentionally lower them for some people and others just wander in, despite my efforts. They always seem to be people who shouldn't be there, but they still get in anyway.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Instead trust your gut, re-evaulate and detach a bit. Also, think about it in terms of what you want, not whether he wants you. You sound just like my therapist.
florence of suburbia Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I don't know if I'm resilient. I'm capable of being hurt pretty badly, but I always tell myself it could be worse, and don't take myself seriously enough to let it shut me down. In the end I'm basically an optimist and think I've been fortunate in my life, more often than not, even though there have been disappointments. My dad and my brother like to play cards and gamble, and although I missed the poker gene, I gamble with relationships (like you mentioned about the hot stove). I take risks based on the one time everything was heavenly and try to convince myself all the bad times were one-offs.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 (edited) I don't think resilence is rare. Life is crappy sometimes, if nobody was ever able to get through any hard time, then the world would be a lot different. I would be out of a job! I think of myself as resilent. Doesn't mean I haven't reacted negatively (i.e. disorders, ect. ) to bad stuff happening to me, just that I got through it and came out okay. It is unrealistic to think that a person handles every problematic situation in the most positive way possible. That's just my opinion though. But, there are probably a lots of different ways to look at resilence I think. Edited July 30, 2010 by Lauriebell82
Lovelybird Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I believe what your therapist said about you. And another female member here is like this too, D-Lish
You Go Girl Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 If they haven't put you in the psych ward AND thrown away the key, and you're not 6 feet under, then you're resilent. So I think that applies to everyone here. For me the bigger question is: Do I enter situations repeating behaviors that led or will lead to the same old undesired results? Not: Did I learn anything? BUT: Did I learn as much as could be learnt from the situation? I'd hate to be resilient but a fool repeating the same mistakes over again.
Treasa Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 My psychologist told me this, too, a couple of weeks ago. I spent five weeks grieving the end of a six year relationship that ended with NO warning, and then one day put it aside and said, "Enough." Ever since then, I've been smiling, laughing, going out and doing things, etc. I hardly ever think about my ex anymore. If I do, it's a passing thought. Tomorrow will mark three months since the very sudden breakup. I plan to celebrate. I think it's part nurture, part nature. My mom raised me to be tough, and I think I'm like her in that it just comes natural to me to forge on ahead no matter how rough things might get.
Recommended Posts