supergirl718 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I have been with my current bf for almost 2 years. I have my own two bedroom apt and we are thinking about taking a step and moving in together. We both have master degree but cant find real jobs. I dont want him to move in until he find the job. My bf is perfect. everything any woman would want, but i feel like im not attracted to him anymore. We go weeks without having sex, well he wants to but I dont. Sex feels like a chore to me and i dont knwo what to do. Now, there is anpther guy that i ahve eben talking to. I have known him for about 5 years now. We were always attracted to one another (extremely attracted) But it was never the right time for us. Eather im away in college, or he would get shippe dout to Iraq, and etc. Now however we are both in the same state and both willing to make this work. he tells me everyday that im THE ONE and he wuld wait as long as it takes for me to come around. I dont know what to do. This guy is just as perfect as my current bf, but has a job, his own apt, and really wants to be with me . He even asked me to come on vacation with him in December. Dont get me wrong , im not a gold digger I make my own money and have my own things ( car, apt and etc) but it does feel nice that i can have a stable person by my side. So my question is should I leave my existing bf or wait it out till things work themswelfs out? will him having a better job help our sex life? i just feel like its not normal that we are 23 and 25 and we just never do it and we do its very mechanical for me. PLEASE HELP:o
oldfashiongirlie Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 This is a tough one... Well so the second guy has been entirely platonic?, cause remember we can idealize guys, and maybe you don't know him to well, and if you care so much about your current bf, you should be willing to work things out, if the sex life is not the best, you should seek counseling. But if you're giving up before the battle, then you should just break up with him, cause you don't love him. When you love someone you don't care all the tests and hardships you have to deal with, good luck figuring it out
Dexter Morgan Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 So my question is should I leave my existing bf or wait it out till things work themswelfs out? will him having a better job help our sex life? i just feel like its not normal that we are 23 and 25 and we just never do it and we do its very mechanical for me. PLEASE HELP:o yes, you set your current bf free from you so he can find someone who will respect him, and not develop feelings for someone else behind his back.
aerogurl87 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Set your current boyfriend free, obviously you two aren't a good match.
MyNameIsJane Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 This is tough - because there is a honeymoon/mystery factor that is affecting your emotions as well. You have been with your bf for awhile, so the mystery is gone, the honeymoon period is over... which happens in most relationships at some point. The new guy is new... so it is exciting - you don't know if he actually will even work out in the end. So you might end up alone when its all said and done. What you need to consider is if you are actually willing to let your bf go - and be alone. Meaning, if this other guy didn't exist, would you be okay leaving your bf? If the answer is yes, then you need to do it - because he deserves to move on. Obviously in that case, you can try things with the new guy, but just know that even with him, the spark may fade - relationships are hard... there is always going to be something alluring about a new person.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 So my question is should I leave my existing bf or wait it out till things work themswelfs out? will him having a better job help our sex life? i just feel like its not normal that we are 23 and 25 and we just never do it and we do its very mechanical for me. PLEASE HELP:o Are you serious? You basically just said it takes money to make you want sex? Then followed up by saying your not a gold digger...? and... and... your emotionally cheating on your BF. So.... what kind of help are you looking for? I would suggest a therapist. I mean that with sincerity and honesty.
Hop_prophet Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 You do realize you are cheating on your bf right? Yes, you should probably leave him because you are a terrible gf. Running around and forming a relatioship behind his back with another guy is not going to fix your sex life. Trust me your new guy is far from perfect. I understand if you are sexually incompatible, and how frustrating that can be, but he is just as frustrated as you are. Probably more so since he is the one getting rejected. Him getting a better job is not going to magically change the way you feel about him and things are not going to magically work themselves out - get real. You both have to work on it. If you don't love him anymore then let him go without putting him through hell.
Author supergirl718 Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 i know the 2nd guy for over 5 years. I dont think it has to do with me wanting money( I HAVE MY OWN) i think it has to do with feeling like im stable and that i dont have to be the only provider for the both of us...i want to have a family soon and I feel like my bf is not capable starting one. and yes me and the 2n guy did have a thing going awhile back, so it is deffinatly not a fantacy
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 i know the 2nd guy for over 5 years. I dont think it has to do with me wanting money( I HAVE MY OWN) i think it has to do with feeling like im stable and that i dont have to be the only provider for the both of us...i want to have a family soon and I feel like my bf is not capable starting one. and yes me and the 2n guy did have a thing going awhile back, so it is deffinatly not a fantacy Jobs come and go... if that determines your level of attraction then your seriously messed up in the head. Do you love the man or the job? He could be unemployed one minute and making six figures a month later. I just had a friend make that transition. Of course his GF actually loves him and stuck by him the 2 years he was unemployed. Not some sad sorry sack that is more interested in what he does than who he is. Yeah... so the army guy is an ex? and your still talking to him and encouraging him to send you love letters? You really are a catch. You must have picked Supergirl because of the irony.
U2RockZz Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 set your current BF free.....so that he can get a job ASAP....i think he is unemployed cuz he is with you
MyNameIsJane Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Jobs come and go... if that determines your level of attraction then your seriously messed up in the head. Do you love the man or the job? He could be unemployed one minute and making six figures a month later. I just had a friend make that transition. Of course his GF actually loves him and stuck by him the 2 years he was unemployed. Not some sad sorry sack that is more interested in what he does than who he is. Yeah... so the army guy is an ex? and your still talking to him and encouraging him to send you love letters? You really are a catch. You must have picked Supergirl because of the irony. While I agree with you on most of this... I have dumped a boyfriend because, at the minimum explanation, he was jobless. But it was more because of what came with being jobless (by choice)... which was laziness, mooching and more... But, OP, I think the reason people are having a hard time with your scenario is that you have said your man is the perfect man except for his job)... and you're considering leaving him for another man who has a job (when you boil it all down).... So people are making a jump that job is the factor here. It also looks a tad hypocritical that you said BOTH of you can't find "real" jobs.... meaning you can't either - but you have a problem with him not being able to find one? I think you just need to let your bf go. Some guys may be totally great, but not great for you
Mimolicious Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) Funny how these stories start the same way... "My SO is great BUT no longer turns me on or I feel like I don't love him because X, Y and Z. NOW, there is this OTHER PERSON that I am KINDA liking, you know the rest... Ok, I understand the whole unemployed situation. There are thousands of people with lucrative degrees unemployed because of today's global economic meltdown. If this is the case for your BF, can't really blame him. If your BF is just straight lazy and a couch potato, did you just realize this???!! Or was it when you benchmarked him against your new "friend"? But, OP, I think the reason people are having a hard time with your scenario is that you have said your man is the perfect man except for his job)... and you're considering leaving him for another man who has a job (when you boil it all down).... So people are making a jump that job is the factor here. It also looks a tad hypocritical that you said BOTH of you can't find "real" jobs.... meaning you can't either - but you have a problem with him not being able to find one? Took the words right out of my mouth MNJ! But this can explain why: i know the 2nd guy for over 5 years. I dont think it has to do with me wanting money( I HAVE MY OWN) i think it has to do with feeling like im stable and that i dont have to be the only provider for the both of us...i want to have a family soon and I feel like my bf is not capable starting one. and yes me and the 2n guy did have a thing going awhile back, so it is deffinatly not a fantacy Supergirl- I would hate to see you married to someone and GOD FORBID they have the luck of getting a pink slip. Are you going to walk out on your H then? Like my signature says, those who want it all end up with nothing. First, I hope that your ARMY BOY also has a CIVIL JOB. Army duty are not exactly guaranteed employment and that besides detonating grenades he has an actual degree. Wouldn't want you to be disappointed when he is done with duty and can't find a REAL JOB.. For all you know your well-employed Rambo is a disloyal cheater. I mean, he knows your are the "ONE" but forgot to add the "TAKEN ONE". Goes to show how much morality he has that patronizes your cheating. Does he know how "perfect" he is because he has a "job" and an "apt"? Do your BF a favor and set him free. You are not good GF material, yet you want to start a family. Doesn't sound like you "LOVE" neither one of them but that is not fundamental as long as there is a check. Leave your BF ASAP, besides he is plain "mechanical" anyway. (WTF is mechanical??????) Edited July 29, 2010 by Mimolicious
Rifareal Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 It is really sad how a long relationship fall apart, but that is reality. If you don't love your bf anymore tell him or are you just bothered by his current state? Ask yourself first if is it ok to leave him or not? Don't pity on him if ever cause that will just make things worst in the future. Goodluck..
2sunny Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 to be with a man and wonder if you should or want to be with another isn't fair to your bf. let him go so he can find someone who will never put him second. that's the right thing to do.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 While I agree with you on most of this... I have dumped a boyfriend because, at the minimum explanation, he was jobless. But it was more because of what came with being jobless (by choice)... which was laziness, mooching and more... But, OP, I think the reason people are having a hard time with your scenario is that you have said your man is the perfect man except for his job)... and you're considering leaving him for another man who has a job (when you boil it all down).... So people are making a jump that job is the factor here. It also looks a tad hypocritical that you said BOTH of you can't find "real" jobs.... meaning you can't either - but you have a problem with him not being able to find one? I think you just need to let your bf go. Some guys may be totally great, but not great for you Jobless by choice is a different situation entirely. Honestly... I just hope she posts some way for me to recognize her. I would not want to accidentally date such a person.
Mimolicious Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Jobless by choice is a different situation entirely. Honestly... I just hope she posts some way for me to recognize her. I would not want to accidentally date such a person. That's simple! Don't have a job, nor your own place and be all R2D2 mechanical while having sex. This makes you automatically disqualified.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 That's simple! Don't have a job, nor your own place and be all R2D2 mechanical while having sex. This makes you automatically disqualified. I'm pathologically incapable of that... and women like this seem to find me irresistible. It makes my dating life suck... just really suck.
stace79 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Without having read any replies, my first thought is do your current bf a favor and break up with him. It's not a question of stay with current bf or be with other guy. You don't love your bf, so leave him even if it means you are single. He deserves better than someone who is only with him to have someone until she finds someone better. Besides you've been having an emotional affair with this other guy anyway.
akazid Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I actually see where you're coming from ... or atleast think so. If anything I would first evaluate the person's potential. Were they under or over achievers in the past? Do they have some achievements and/or family support? It could be that he's near family and has a lot of support, etc, and thus doesn't need to live on his own and pay rent - and therefore he never really went out to get a job. How I see it is that you're looking to be with someone long term and evaluating your situation right now before making a serious committment. Personally, I see nothing wrong with it. You're making sure that, in the future, your family will hopefully be secure. Take into account that 'owning' a condo usually means a mortgage which is a liability and not an asset (i.e. Your other friend). Therefore, even if you 'own' and have a job your 'net income' and 'enjoyment' could be zero. This could be be a situation with the other person. Also, it looks like you are pretty young and more than likely that both of you just recently graduated with a Master's Degree. I would be worried if he doesn't have ambitions and about the job past a 2-3 year mark - especially if his family lives far away. Be careful with letting someone who is jobless live with you. Make sure he knows what would be expected of him rent/lease wise even though he's your boyfriend. If you'd expect him to contribute and he can't contribute then it would be an issue and you should clearly voice your opinion and address it together.
RedDevil66 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Funny how these stories start the same way... "My SO is great BUT no longer turns me on or I feel like I don't love him because X, Y and Z. NOW, there is this OTHER PERSON that I am KINDA liking, you know the rest... Ok, I understand the whole unemployed situation. There are thousands of people with lucrative degrees unemployed because of today's global economic meltdown. If this is the case for your BF, can't really blame him. If your BF is just straight lazy and a couch potato, did you just realize this???!! Or was it when you benchmarked him against your new "friend"? Took the words right out of my mouth MNJ! But this can explain why: Supergirl- I would hate to see you married to someone and GOD FORBID they have the luck of getting a pink slip. Are you going to walk out on your H then? Like my signature says, those who want it all end up with nothing. First, I hope that your ARMY BOY also has a CIVIL JOB. Army duty are not exactly guaranteed employment and that besides detonating grenades he has an actual degree. Wouldn't want you to be disappointed when he is done with duty and can't find a REAL JOB.. For all you know your well-employed Rambo is a disloyal cheater. I mean, he knows your are the "ONE" but forgot to add the "TAKEN ONE". Goes to show how much morality he has that patronizes your cheating. Does he know how "perfect" he is because he has a "job" and an "apt"? Do your BF a favor and set him free. You are not good GF material, yet you want to start a family. Doesn't sound like you "LOVE" neither one of them but that is not fundamental as long as there is a check. Leave your BF ASAP, besides he is plain "mechanical" anyway. (WTF is mechanical??????) Agreed 1000%. You're young and not very mature in real love. Real love doesn't pick and chose. But it takes years of heartache to understand that. Set him free, he deserves someone better
Dexter Morgan Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 i know the 2nd guy for over 5 years. I dont think it has to do with me wanting money( I HAVE MY OWN) i think it has to do with feeling like im stable and that i dont have to be the only provider for the both of us...i want to have a family soon and I feel like my bf is not capable starting one. and yes me and the 2n guy did have a thing going awhile back, so it is deffinatly not a fantacy aw, how sweet:love: now what are you waiting for? end the disrespect you are dishing out to your bf and set him free from you. break up with him tonight. quit wasting his time.
Spectre Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Dump your bf, he deserves better then trash that has basically an emotional affair behind his back. Then to the current guy, ask him if he wants to be with the type of chick who would do all that behind her bf's back. If he does want trash like that, then I guess you two are made for each other.
kingofqueen123 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 relationship and love is not all about apt,car,job and money..and abt sex you can work it out..if you really like your current guy stick with him...and if he's not able to find job as a gf you should help him..who knows tomm you could be in that position too...otherwise let him go before it gets worse..best of luck..
BettyBoop Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I dont want him to move in until he find the job. My bf is perfect. everything any woman would want, but i feel like im not attracted to him anymore. We go weeks without having sex, well he wants to but I dont. Sex feels like a chore to me and i dont knwo what to do. Guys, she asked for help to save her relationship - not bashing over the one who calls her "the one" - notice she never called that guy "the one" back...sheesh! She is obviously letting another guy stroke her ego but it's better to try to make her see her errors rather than scaring her off. Supergirl718, do you think maybe your loss of attraction has to do with exactly that - him being unemployed? Has it affected his mood? Is he actively looking for a job, any job, being positive or negative? Depressed? Angry? Loving? Does he make you enjoy sex with him? A woman finds a man attractive who's got success and confidence. I get that you worry about finances, future and family planning. I get it. But perhaps your boyfriend feels your discouragement and lack of sex drive and it might make him depressed...and not giving it his all to find a job? Have you talked to him about all this? IT IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR A MAN TO FEEL THAT HIS GIRL LOOKS UP TO, DESIRES AND ADMIRES HIM!! If I felt my boyfriend didn't desire me and didn't believe in me or something I'd get depressed, needy (which is a very unattractive personality trait) and probably not feel like finding a job anytime soon. Sometimes we don't know what we had until we miss out on it. Sometimes we need a break to see each other in a new light. Try not seeing your boyfriend for a couple of days (and that is NOT the time to see the army guy.) and see if you miss him or not when he is not around. Could you imagine your boyfriend being intimate with somebody else? If you could, and would be fine with that, you probably don't love him anymore. If the thought alone makes you feel like **** - then you still love him and there is hope. Sometimes when I've been upset with my boyfriend I've been put off sex with him as well for weeks. But you know what? That can happen. Once you start remembering the things you love about him, or work your differences out, the lust usually comes back. My advice to you is to take a break, find some sexy lingerine and remember old, fond and naughty memories with your boyfriend - then try re-living them.
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