Can you give me tips ?

[sylviaguardian]

I need some advice from anyone in my situation or who's been through it. To cut a long story short I found out a few years ago that my husband had been cheating on me for years with his colleague. When he go caught he had no intention of leaving the marriage and we tried counselling etc. My main reason for staying with him is to give the kids a stable home. However, I don't love him anymore, there is too much water under the bridge now. We get along fine day to day but have no physical relationship whatsoever.

 

I'm Ok with this situation short-term but have no intention of staying with him long-term, once the kids are independent. I want to start plannning an exit strategy now but have no idea how to start. Can anyone advise me? I'm in the UK so advice about UK systems would really help. What should i be thinking about financially?

 

Syl

[cookie2]

Well IANAL (I am not a lawyer) so take my post for what it is... true as far as I know it, but not legal advice.

 

There are only 5 grounds to get a divorce in the UK... adultery, unreasonable behaviour, 2-year consented separation, 5-year unconsented separation and desertion.

 

You've carried on living with him for more than 6 months after discovering the adultery, so you cannot use that one. If he is not doing anything unreasonable (eg. drug abuse or physical violence) then you can't use that. He is still around so no desertion. Your only options are separation. If he agrees to the separation then you have to be separated for 2 years; if he doesn't agree then it has to be 5. You don't say how long til your kids are "independent"... some are not independent until they're 50 IMO your best option would be to separate now and start doing your time apart, especially if he doesn't consent, 5 years is a long time. The other option of course would be to catch him cheating again, which he undoubtedly is, in which case you can go for adultery with the new woman.

 

For the financials you're best off seeing a solicitor. Many do a first appointment free. If you're a stay-at-home mum you will get legal aid for the divorce proceedings, so you won't have to pay a penny for the solicitors. This is a very good thing for you. The lawyers will get all their money from the state which means they will put as much time into the case as they can... whereas his lawyers will be paid by him, so they will have restricted time, unless he is very rich. So you are definitely at an immediate advantage.

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks for that Cookie. Wow, I didn't know that about the adultery bit. Looks like I'm stuffed then.I think he would agree to separate but I don't want to do it right now. I want to give the kids stability for a bit longer.

 

I'm not too fixated on being divorced. I guess I just want to have some plan in my head of what I'm going to do when he moves out.

 

As for the money thing, I'm not a stay at home Mum. I continued working (at hubby's insistence) and we earn around the same amount so I couldn't use the legal aid route. I guess my hope is that we could hash out an agreement together (maybe this is unrealistic).

 

Syl

[TaraMaiden]

I too am in the UK.

Cookie2 gives you good advice.

 

Even though you've been living under the same roof, you can both mutually agree that a separation took place, and decide upon a time you both feel was a significant moment.

You can get a divorce on the grounds that the relationship has irretrievably broken down, which would seem to be the way to go.

I agree though, about seeing a solicitor.

See if you can get a free preliminary consultation with a local solicitor, or if there is a Law University near you, they might hold a Law Clinic. (This is part of student training & practice, but the advice and counsel you receive will be accurate and supervised.)

This last one might be more difficult as it's the summer period....

 

Things you will need to consider:

 

One consideration is that your finances should have been divided from your point of separation.

 

Legal Aid is not dependent on a salary, or lack of.

I know footballers earning 100grand a week who got legal aid, so consider it.

 

Are you both responsible for household expenses?

How old are the children?

have you considered custody?

What of the marital home?

Can he afford to buy you out?

Can you afford to buy him out?

if not, the home will have to be sold, the mortgage paid off and the remaining assets, if any, will be divided.

 

Although you have grounds for divorce, which give reason, this is not a factor in the settlement.

As far as the court is concerned, you have a reason, and that's fine but there is no retributive process which 'punishes'.

It's really a question of looking at it as the termination of a contract.

I know these things for 2 reasons:

one, I have been divorced under the British system (this was only in 2005) and my partner graduated as a Law Graduate with a 1st Class Honours degree this month, so I've kind of been exposed to the nitty-gritty of law for the past 4 years.

BUT:

Please get sound, official legal advice.

Don't take my word as final.

I too, am not a legal bird, so you must get some sound official counsel.

 

And one last thing:

Staying together for the sake of the kids - is simply not a sound, logical or adequate reason.

It teaches them the wrong thing about relationships and boundaries.

It's not stability.

It's convenience.

 

An unstable relationship doesn't lend stability to children.

It actually makes them insecure.... even if they find out about it further down the road, it can shake their foundations, and damage their trust in you.

 

Just my twenty-four pence.

[TaraMaiden]

I found this article...It may help.

Or not, as the case may be!!

 

Edit:

Any solicitor you see, ask about an arbitration service. It's possible you and your H can thrash something out over a table, with legal counsel at your sides to keep you from drawing blood.....!

[cookie2]

Ah apologies I re-read what I wrote and there is one error. The consent is not for the separation; it's for the actual divorce. So if you've been separated for 2 years, you can get a divorce if he agrees. If he doesn't agree to get a divorce, you have to be separated for 5 years. It's only a small difference I know, but I like to give correct info

 

It's quite possible to work out an agreement regarding the financials. In fact if you can, it will save you both a lot of solicitors fees and hassle. It does seem like you're capable of discussing it with him rationally, but that might change when large amounts of money are involved! It really depends on what you both want. Do you want to continue living in the house with your kids, and can you afford to on your income alone? Is he prepared to just sign the house over to you and walk away with nothing, or would he want some cash for his "half" - if so could you afford to give it to him? Or would you both have to sell up the house and go your own ways? If you do go to court, all assets are split on a basis of greatest need, it's irrelevant who paid what or who owned what before marriage. So if you are living at home with the kids and he is moved out, you will most likely get the house.

 

I think you should definitely go see a solicitor. Many do a free initial consultation. If you decide to stick with the status quo for now then you don't lose anything by getting some professional advice

[boomboom63]

Hey SG - sorry you are going through this.

 

there is an alternative to the full on adversarial divorce -If you and your H agree to it basically you and your solicitor sit down with H and his solicitor and thrash out any settlement (asset splitting/custody arrangements etc) - just the 4 of you - this may take more than 1 meeting!! When the agreement is reached the papers are submitted to the court and are often rubber stamped.

 

Once you have started the process it is all over quite quickly and seems to be a little bit more "civilised".

 

here is the link to the an organisation that has a list of solicitors that adhere to this code http://www.resolution.org.uk

 

good luck

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks tara - good advice

 

Things you will need to consider:

 

One consideration is that your finances should have been divided from your point of separation.

 

I'm working on this one!

 

Legal Aid is not dependent on a salary, or lack of.

I know footballers earning 100grand a week who got legal aid, so consider it.

 

We currently have a joint account - everthing comes out of that. The kids are 8 and 11. Custody won't be much of an issue. They'll have to stay with me and I have no problem sharing access.

 

We could probably afford to buy him out and keep our (tiny) apartment.

 

As for staying together for the kids - I knew I'd get a bit of flak for this!!Through my job I have access to lots of studies on divorce/staying together. The general consensus is that parents who stay together and can get along amicably is better than divorce. Of course, if there's a lot of friction that's not the case but we generally get along. Also, having been a product of a divorced home, I know that adults don't really understand what it's like for kids. some get over it; others don't. I'm just trying to give them the best I can under the circumstances.

 

Thanks for the extra advice. I need to think about this a bit more.

[sylviaguardian]

Hey Boom Boom,

 

Thanks for the reply and the website. I'll have a look at it. I'm hoping we can try to keep it civilised but when your financial future is at stake, it's not quite so easy. I'm resigned to the fact that I'll probably be a poor old lady.

 

 

 

Syl