The other woman/best friend

[young&inlove]

I need some advice. I don’t know if this has ever happened to anyone before or not but here it goes....

 

My husband cheated on me in January with my best friend of 4 years. She was a really good friend to me and my husband really liked her. I NEVER thought that it would have been possible for them to hook up so I didn’t think about that possibility. Until, it happened. We are still working through it and I have not talked to or heard from her since. I don’t want to be her friend because she screwed up my marriage.

 

I am turning 21 here in 2 days and am having a huge birthday party for it. My husband has been pushing a little more than usual to get me to invite this old friend of mine to it for a "reunion". I have told him I didn’t want to at all but I guess he just doesn’t listen. He found her on facebook to see if she had moved (he told me and I was somewhat ok with him looking but I didn’t want to know or care). Then when I got home last night, he told me he had texted her then she called him. I guess they talked for about 15 min. I made him tell me everything.

 

They didn’t talk about anything bad (from what he told me). I just don’t know what to do. I am worried that they might start up again behind my back because he knows how I feel about her. I told him that I felt like he had invaded my privacy. He said that he didn’t because she was his friend too. I don’t know. I love my husband more than anything and I just want him for myself which I have every right to right?

 

I don’t know. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation?

[norajane]

Wow, there are so many things wrong with this situation that I don't even know where to begin.

 

- Best friend should be out of your life, permanently.

 

- H should never, ever, ever be communicating with her again. That he went and contacted her behind your back is incredible to me. That he is PUSHING you to invite her to this party for a REUNION is just unbelievably f*cked up wrong. A reunion with the woman he cheated with? Really? That is so f*cked up.

 

- That you are staying married to a man whom you worry could cheat on you again...with your best friend...again...well, I wouldn't stay married to him. You are wrong in saying your best friend screwed up your marriage - your HUSBAND SCREWED UP YOUR MARRIAGE, and is still screwing it up.

[Bryanp]

What????

 

Your husband is out of his mind. He screws this friend, cheats and betrays you with this friend and he pushes you to invite her to your birthday party? How totally disrespectful and humiliating to you. The fact that he contacted her again it sounds like he is pushing to resume a relationship with her.

 

If the roles were reversed and you were screwing his best friend behind his back, do you think he would think it is all right for you to push him to invite him to his birthday party.

 

It is so totally insensitive of him that I am speechless. I would seriously consider whether you really wish to remain in a marriage with such an insensitive, selfish and disrespectful spouse. I wish you luck.

[bentnotbroken]

I need some advice. I don’t know if this has ever happened to anyone before or not but here it goes....

 

My husband cheated on me in January with my best friend of 4 years. She was a really good friend to me and my husband really liked her. I NEVER thought that it would have been possible for them to hook up so I didn’t think about that possibility. Until, it happened. We are still working through it and I have not talked to or heard from her since. I don’t want to be her friend because she screwed up my marriage.

 

I am turning 21 here in 2 days and am having a huge birthday party for it. My husband has been pushing a little more than usual to get me to invite this old friend of mine to it for a "reunion". I have told him I didn’t want to at all but I guess he just doesn’t listen. He found her on facebook to see if she had moved (he told me and I was somewhat ok with him looking but I didn’t want to know or care). Then when I got home last night, he told me he had texted her then she called him. I guess they talked for about 15 min. I made him tell me everything.

 

They didn’t talk about anything bad (from what he told me). I just don’t know what to do. I am worried that they might start up again behind my back because he knows how I feel about her. I told him that I felt like he had invaded my privacy. He said that he didn’t because she was his friend too. I don’t know. I love my husband more than anything and I just want him for myself which I have every right to right?

 

I don’t know. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation?

 

 

I hate to say it, but I don't think he ever stopped talking to her. I think he is using your birthday as an excuse to bring her openly back into your life. If he is truly remorseful and doesn't want to cause you any pain, he wouldn't be pushing you do something you don't want to do. He can't have you both. Either he wants his marriage or he wants his friendship. Seems pretty simple to me. I would cancel my party and celebrate quietly before I invited her to anything.

[CrayonAngel]

WOW! Why do it behind your back if your letting it slide right in front of your face!?

 

WHAT A PRICK!

 

I'm sorry that he is bringing this mess into your life right before whats supposed to be a happy time! You need to put your foot down..

 

If it were me..I would either dump him on his ass or beat him at his own game..since he isn't showing you any respect why don't you invite an old flame of yours to your party? see how your self centered H feels about that one!

 

I'm sorry but you deserve better than this

[woinlove]

Wow, some birthday present. So sorry that you are going through this.

 

I agree with others. Protect yourself and see a lawyer. I hope you don't have children with this man. For him to continue to think of this woman as a friend, and to contact her on his own and push to invite her to your party, when she has been an enemy of your marriage and caused you so much grief, shows that he continues to disrespect you and your relationship. Also, a H who cheats this early in a marriage will almost certainly cheat again, unless he really changes, typically with the help of a lot of counselling. Usually this only starts (if it ever does) after some radical wake up call, such as divorce proceedings.

Edited July 28, 2010 by woinlove

[freestyle]

One of the most horrific traumas a person can go through is the double betrayal---stabbed in the heart (your H) and the back (your former best friend) simultaneously.

 

 

Your H deserves either the Most Clueless Award or, the Most Devious Award.

I'm not sure which.

 

To expect you to be okay, with him having any contact with her whatsoever, is beyond absurd, and I'm afraid it indicates that he's not concerned with your feelings at all.He's not taking your pain seriously.

 

I'm sooo sorry dear. And on your birthday, of all things. Wow.Just.Wow.

[reservoirdog1]

I echo what the others said. Sounds like you have made it very clear that you don't want your former best friend in your life anymore, because she betrayed you. Totally and completely reasonable and understandable.

 

Your husband's insensitivity to this very reasonable position is mind-blowing. You have made your position clear. She should thus be persona non grata, not just to you, but to HIM as well. She is an enemy of your marriage.

 

It's extremely troubling that he can't (or refuses to) see and understand your perspective.

 

I agree with the others... you should be questioning whether or not there's still something going on between them, and whether or not you can stay married to him.

[Spark1111]

Do you love him?

 

You have some choices.

 

Allow her to attend the party and watch their interaction. If sparks are flying....divorce him.

 

or,

tell him his actions were reprehensibly, devastatingly, disrespectful to you, so you are/have/will disinvite her so to spare yourself feeling rediculously sad and uncomfortable on your own birthday.

 

If he grows irritable and angry that you disinvited her....divorce him.

[Hop_prophet]

Please divorce this guy. You are only 21 and your life will be 10 times better. What your husband did was beyond cruel and now he is rubbing salt into fresh wounds. You do not have to put up with it!!!

[young&inlove]

I do love him. Lots. I asked myself that long and hard when he told me the first time. He didnt invite her to my party. I understand why he wanted me to have her come. I dont have any friends. Like at all. He feels like its his fault that I dont trust anyone, which it is. I have tried to find friends but because I am so young and been married for 2 years, all my old friends pretty much vanished. I just cant figure out why he wanted to call her. I think that I might just take your advice and invite her to see the reaction.

[ladydesigner]

I wouldn't invite her. Your H is a dumba** for even talking to her or even thinking of inviting her. You are very young. If it were me I would divorce, especially if you do not have children.

 

Your husband sounds insensitive and is a douche. Is there anyway you can celebrate your birthday with other friends/family? I don't mean to sound negative, but I would probably tell my H to cancel the party if your ex best friend is coming. You already hurt over his A and his recent contact, why set yourself up for more pain to see them interact, especially on your special day.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am turning 21 here in 2 days and am having a huge birthday party for it. My husband has been pushing a little more than usual to get me to invite this old friend of mine to it for a "reunion". I have told him I didn’t want to at all but I guess he just doesn’t listen. He found her on facebook to see if she had moved (he told me and I was somewhat ok with him looking but I didn’t want to know or care). Then when I got home last night, he told me he had texted her then she called him. I guess they talked for about 15 min. I made him tell me everything.

 

WTF?? He cheats on you with this woman and has the freakin' nerve to get you to invite her to a party?

 

Your husband needs a good slap in the face. I am in awe over the fact he'd ask you this.

 

 

They didn’t talk about anything bad (from what he told me). I just don’t know what to do.

 

doesn't matter what they talked about, he shouldn't be having any contact with her AT ALL. her friendship with you and him ended the day they decided to betray you.

 

I'd tell him if he ever contacts her again, then he should move out to go live with her. then get an annullment.

 

 

 

I am worried that they might start up again behind my back because he knows how I feel about her. I told him that I felt like he had invaded my privacy. He said that he didn’t because she was his friend too.

 

this woman is not "just" a friend and any contact with her is inappropriate.

 

 

 

I don’t know. I love my husband more than anything and I just want him for myself which I have every right to right?

 

you shouldn't even have to ask this question. Of course you shouldn't have to share him with anyone else.

 

sounds like your husband doesn't have any respect for you. I couldn't imagine messing around with someone, then expecting my SO to be ok with having her around.

 

I will tell you right now, I don't think your marriage is going to turn out well at all. If he can mess around, then try to get you to have her around so he can be with her too, its just damn disrespectful.

 

And I think you are right, I think he would love to start up with her again.

I can see your H screwing you over in the future again. He just doesn't have any humility over this and doesn't seem to know the boundaries of right or wrong. And contacting a woman he boinked behind your back is definitely wrong, not to mention expecting you to be ok with inviting her to a party.

 

You are young. I wouldn't put up with such a spouse if I were you. And mock my words, you WILL be dealing with further betrayals in the future with a "man" like this.

[Dexter Morgan]

maybe you should tell him that you slept with one of his best friends, enjoyed it immensely, and that you are going to have him at the party(which of course you will tell him that nothing of the sort happened after you find out his reaction)

 

You think he'd say, "ok, thats cool".

 

No. He'd want to pound the guy's face in.

[norajane]

I do love him. Lots. I asked myself that long and hard when he told me the first time. He didnt invite her to my party. I understand why he wanted me to have her come. I dont have any friends. Like at all. He feels like its his fault that I dont trust anyone, which it is. I have tried to find friends but because I am so young and been married for 2 years, all my old friends pretty much vanished. I just cant figure out why he wanted to call her. I think that I might just take your advice and invite her to see the reaction.

 

Absolutely not! Stop being such a doormat! Stand your ground - do not invite the scorpion into your home to sting you again.

 

Why in the world would you want to make it easy and acceptable for your H to get close to her again? Do you feel like you deserve to be betrayed over and over for some reason? Do you feel like you deserve for your ex best friend to laugh at you for inviting her cheating ass into your house because your cheating ass husband wants her there?

 

If you invite her to your party, you are basically giving them permission to continue cheating on you - this time, in front of your face instead of behind your back.

 

Honestly, get a divorce. A man who has so little respect for you is only going to hurt you again and again and again.

[YellowShark]

My EX of 7 years was cheating with a VERY good friend who is A) married, and B) his wife is 8-months pregnant. So I TOTALLY know how you feel.

 

While I supported her through thick and thin, and while I helped my VERY good friend with his business they were BOTH cheating behind my back for at least a year.

 

I caught them making out on my deck at 3:30am after a dinner party at the VERY good friend's place. I checked her phone after I confronted them both red-handed and saw the sexts. I moved out 4 days later and it's been almost 3 months of NC.

 

It is the most painful thing I have ever had to process losing two people I trusted and supported. I told his pregnant wife the next day and she has sided with her cheating husband.

 

But now, (3 months later), I see that they are really sick selfish individuals and I am realizing they don't deserve to be in my life ever again. The pain was so great that I questioned my sanity for the first month.

 

All I can say is you're not alone, and you need not try to understand why they did it, all you need to do is take care of yourself and NEVER EVER allow them back into your life.

 

Best of luck.

[WintersNightTraveler]

Everyone keep in mind the OP is 21, and probably hubby too.

 

It sounds like you were all close friends at one time and he might not understand that in order for your relationship to survive, you two almost certainly need to cut this woman out of your lives completely.

 

So while I agree with the advice that you can't really have this woman in either of your lives, it may take him a while to realize that, and it doesn't necesarily mean he still still wants to cheat or is unbelievably audacious or deceitful. Especially when you're young (but even later) sometimes it's hard to realize the full consequences of your mistakes. In this case, the consequences are that a best friendship was ruined, and things won't ever be the same, and that's tough to accept.

 

When I was younger I was in a similar situation. We worked through it, but we both had a lot of learning to do and it took quite some time.

 

And also, yes there is also some danger there, so it is good to keep your eyes open. Perhaps he is more devious than naive. But naive is a very real possibility.

 

Good luck.

[xpaperxcutx]

You got married very young and is still in a bubble thinking marriage automatically means happily ever after. Which is really not the case considering the evidence.

 

Draw your boundaries and make it known to him and everyone else what you will and will not tolerate. You are not a child anymore, but a grown up, so every decision that you make from now on is permanent and does not allow you to make any backsies.

 

Let's face it, your ex best friend is a b---- and your husband just broke everything that makes a marriage worthwhile. If you're still going to be a door mat, good luck twenty years down the road when you're nearing middle age and your hubby decides to divorce you for the 20 year old vixen next door.

[Maggotface]

Do not invite her to your party, she will ruin your birthday. Everytime you see her talking to your husband you will be paranoid about what they're talking about. Everytime you see her you will remember what she did.

 

You can't put all the blame on her, your husband violated your trust and vows. It seems like you really want to continue your marriage which is a good thing but you cannot be his doormat, don't let him push you around and try to get you to be friends with this woman again. Like the other posters have said, she is no longer a friend, if they slept together once it can happen again she needs to be out of the picture completely for both of you.

[pizzagirl]

I will be Devils advocate. Why were you not outraged when your H contacted your ex best friend and his Affair partner? Why did he ask you to invite her is he that immune to demeaning you? I would find someone that disconnected to you as very troubling to the present state of your relationship. What would he have to talk about with her?

 

My guess is you are so used to being treated like a doormat and have allowed it he treats you poorly without a second thought as well.

[WintersNightTraveler]

Look there's really only two possibilities.

 

1 - He's young, ashamed, and just wants things to go back to how they were before he screwed up everything so badly. He hasn't accepted that this can't be, and is overwhelmed by awful guilt. There are other rough circumstances that maybe you haven't mentioned, and thus he is acting bizarrely and unwisely. Sadly and understandably this hurts you. But his heart is in the right place and you should try to work through it, which means not be focusing on how eff'ed up this act is, although you should remain strong and continue to keep this woman out of your life. You'll need some patience to make sure he understands this too, and that his act can't just be un-done somehow.

 

2 - He's treating you like a doormat and still wants to bang this other chick, and you should bail out as soon as possible.

 

If you're going to stick around Y&I, you need to go with door number 1 to give it the best chance to work. And despite the pessimism in this thread, I think it's very possible. In fact, I know it is, having been the young twenty something in that situation, once upon a time.

 

Unfortunately door #2 is also very possible as well. Keep your wits about you.

 

Whatever you do, don't try to pick a middle ground.

[seren]

Do not invite her to your party, she will ruin your birthday. Everytime you see her talking to your husband you will be paranoid about what they're talking about. Everytime you see her you will remember what she did.

 

You can't put all the blame on her, your husband violated your trust and vows. It seems like you really want to continue your marriage which is a good thing but you cannot be his doormat, don't let him push you around and try to get you to be friends with this woman again. Like the other posters have said, she is no longer a friend, if they slept together once it can happen again she needs to be out of the picture completely for both of you.

 

Ditto to the above.

 

I wouldn't have her to the party, sounds like your self esteem is already in the toilet. H needs to understand that although the A is over, the feelings of betrayal, hurt, loss etc linger for a long time and that it takes work, hard work to make a relationship work after an A.

 

I would be bloody fuming if H even had OW's phone number, never mind called it, as to FB, I would FB and say, disregard invite, friends and family only. End of, no more contact from either of you. If he cannot understand how hurt he has made you feel, he needs a swift dose of reality.

 

Try to make new friends, try to join some clubs or something, make your own life and try to say to yourself - I haven't lost a friend, friends just don't do this to another. If my H had the A with my friend, her betrayal would have hurt more in some ways.

 

Please take care, time to find your that's enough line and stick to it.