traci65 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 WHAT TO DO..... I found out on june 29th,that my husband of 12yrs has been having affairs.& also cyber sex on video with 42 women. the evidence i found yesterday was his cell bill.he had the balls to call & have them call him on his personal cell. the 1 girl he met online in oct 2006 while in iraq oct 2007 they meet in person for 4 dys for sex. for some reason my hubby stopped chatting with her for 4 months after they had sex. during that time she hooked up with another online man. now there is a child born.i dont know how old but it was after she was with my hubby. i found last nite his cell phone history from 2008 & 2009. my hubby persued her,after the 4 months.saying how much he missed her.he thinks about the time they had sex & how he doesnt regret it. but what hurt me was he told her he regreted letting her leave after those 4 dys. i know this was said cuz i found all the emails in his yahoo sent folder. he saved them all. he even called her my nickname which he gave me.i emailed her & told her who i was. to much of my surprise she was very surprised. she asked if she could call me to chat. i agreed..the whole conversation she cried & didnt know he was married. i asked her if the child was his.she said no... but that my hubby told her he wanted a child.cuz we dont have children. i cant have kids anymore. what stuck me so weird was she sent me some emails where my hubby kept asking her for pix of her when she was prego. i asked her if he wore protection when they met up at the motel & she said no he didnt cuz he knew she was on birth control. she told me they only met that once in person.i asked her if she noticed my name on his arm cuz he got a huge tattoo of my name before iraq. she told me she asked him about it & he told her it was his daughter who passed away. that killed me inside becuz it was my only daughter who passed away yrs ago.and for him to use that to get her sympathy is the lowest thing to do. i asked my hubby about this & of course he lied to me.he said he told her it was his mothers name. but i believe her.she would not know this for this to be said. but i found last night how much he called her in 2009.sometimes he would call her 7 times a day. knowing she is with another man now.also in the emails to her he ask's her about her sex life with this new guy & if she feels she loves him. when me & her spoke on the phone,she told me she was in love with my hubby.and she was going to leave this new guy. she also asked me if i had seen a necklace my hubby has,i told her yes.. she gave it to him at the motel when she was leaving.that was 3 yrs ago & he still has it. he told me a child in iraq gave it to him.also i found websites he is joined too..seekbang & find me a date.. when i ask him about this evidence he says its not true.he never had feelings for her.he told her what she wanted to hear. he finally came clean about the affair when she sent me pix of him in the motel with her. now he is begging me for forgivness & wants to fight to save our marriage. i told him he should of faught 3 yrs ago to save it. the funny issue here is that we had no problems in our marriage.which he keeps saying he doesnt kno why he cheated cuz we had such a great thing. now he is blaming the war in iraq for his cheating.i know it can damage a person..but i asked him why couldnt he talk to me his wife.. he told me he was afraid if i knew what he did over there i would look at him different. i told him i would never be ashamed of him..he had to do what he did to survive. i took my vows to heart with him.but now i am ashamed of him & i lost respect for him.75% of me wants to end this marriage.becuz for the last 4 1/2 yrs has been a lie. he keeps telling me not to listen to what she tells me.she is mad now & will do anything to break us up..uuummmm no...i said that was all on you... his terms are that i am entertaining this affair by talking to her & reading all the emails.so i told him..don't i have the right as your wife to know the truth.and the entertaining part brought on by you bringging her into our marriage..and by you continuing to keep contact for 3 more yrs after the affair. but he still says he didnt love her..he liked her..i'm calling bullshyt on that..you don't have that much history with someone & not have deep feelings.. so if anyone has been where i am now & knows what i'm feeling or has been in my hubbys shoes could you please explain to me.. am i over reacting on this..
xpaperxcutx Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Question: can you afford a divorce? If you can then I would say divorce him based solely on the fact that payback is always a b-tch. I don't tolerate infidelity or cheating, and whether your views on the matter agree, if I were in your situation I would just drop him like hot pancakes. In fact, I question if he'd given you an STD by sleeping around. So now that things have hit the fan, it's only about you now. You hold the cards. What do you want to do about it?
CrayonAngel Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I don't think you are over reacting at all. If he truly does love you and wants to save your M then he will do anything in his power to fix this..that includes No contact at all from the OW. passwords to every email and marriage counseling. If you really want to fix this, then it is going to be a long road and lots of work. People do come out of affairs with the Happily ever after. But it just depends on how bad you want it. You have to forgive to move on...and he has to stop lying for to forgive. Good luck to you and I'm sorry that you're here.
whiterose15 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 From what I can perceive from what you said, he doesn't know what in the world he is doing. Soldiers of any war change, see many things, and probably loose themselves in the way in 100 ways. One day they are this person and now they became another totally different --- this can mean going into the dark side of life. My answer to you can go both ways. How was he before? What has he become now? What changes is he willing to make? What are his true feelings for you? It seems that he learned to live a double life --- separating things as if one or the other did not exist in the same space. Ask yourself first how far would you go? And how deep and big is your love for him? I don't know if you are a person who believes in God, prayer is a huge help --- done the right way can bring miracles. You can't do this alone. He needs to go to therapy and you both need marriage consuling. Just remember, see what adjustments you can do, but HE is the one who needs to show his commitment to the relationship (if he loves you so and wants to save the relationship). Take some time for yourself to think and heal. Forgiveness takes time and it has to be earned if the person is honest. He must go through the pain in order to appreciate life and find himself. Good Luck!
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