I cant deal with the pain

[harkkam]

We were together for a year and I look at her Facebook picture and I miss her so damn much. I deleted everything, all the emails and phone number and texts and I just miss her so damn much.

 

I am 24 and she is 20 and we dated for a year

 

We broke up three months ago and I went full NC about one month ago after begging and pleading to take me back.

 

I have a memory and a thought and it just makes me feel horrible. I want her back so badly and I feel so sad that she doesnt realize what she is throwing away. The potential of it all.

 

I know she is at work right now and I want to call her so badly but I know she doesnt want to hear from me.

 

I feel trapped because I know I dont want to live without her. I WILL not accept a life without her in it. I cannot she was too special to me.

 

However she does NOT want me in her life.

 

What am I supposed to do?

 

The only choices I see for me are

 

1) Chase after her until she takes me back

2) Take my own life

 

I want to keep trying and trying to get her back until I am no longer able to and if she is not back with me then I dont feel like this life would be worth living.

 

 

I dont know what to do. I am stuck

[cookie2]

The only choices I see for me are

 

1) Chase after her until she takes me back

2) Take control of my own life

^ ^ You made a typo; I fixed it for you.

[harkkam]

i dont want a life without her

[DustySaltus]

Harkkam, I've been there.

 

You managed to live 23 years on this earth without her. What you need to do right now is talk to a professional. Make an appointment with a therapist and explain EVERYTHING that is going on in your head.

 

...and continue to post here.

[smk]

i dont want a life without her

 

I assure you of one thing - it does get better - not overnight, it takes alot of effort and work, and wanting to move on from your part.

 

We have all been there, I was adamant that if she was not a part of my life I would not live, yet here I am 6 weeks later.

 

Picture this - you do something like what you have typed out, and you get what you are saying, and after you are gone she gets the blame and feels guilty for the rest of her life? would that truly make you feel any better???

 

Buddy if you love someone, then you have to learn to be happy with or without them, and let them be happy with or without you being in their lives. Its not easy but thats what love is. giving someone the power to hurt you and hoping they wont, loving without any string attached, not thinking like this when they are not with you, but love doesnt control, or force people, it happens, and sometimes you have let it go to...

 

Someone once said if you truly love something let it go, if it does come back of its own accord then its meant to be if not then it never was love. You will grieve, and you will hurt, its the most painful hurt you will feel, yet overtime it will get better...

 

Be strong buddy, we have all been there and have all felt the way you do, yet we come back here day after day after day, and get some great advice from people who have been in the same situation as us....

 

Oh and dont look at her FB -

[YellowShark]

i dont want a life without her

 

Yes you do want a life without her because you had a life BEFORE you even met her and you'll have a life AFTER her.

 

You dated for a year dude, 365 days. Sure the pain and feeling of loss is great now, but you have another 70 years to meet someone else. I am pretty sure you will be able to do that.

 

Go ride a bike, punch a bag at the gym, go for a walk, read a book, look at pictures on the net of Eva Mendes, Julianne Hough, Jessica Alba, Vida Guerra, Keira Knightley, Gemma Arterton, Angelina Jolie, Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, Erin Andrews, Jill Arrington, Ines Sainz, Megan Fox, Marisa Miller, Adriana lima, Keeley Hazell.... there are millions of other woman on this planet harkkam.

[bonpaw2008]

LOL now that we all know what type of girl Yellow likes....

 

 

Ugh H I woke up in a terrible mood, all the anixety back of losing the love of my life. I have such strong feelings for him and I have no idea how he doesn't feel the same way. But I am coming to realize, mostly from the encouragement from awesome people on this site, no matter how bad I feel right now, 7 days into NC, it is going to get better. There are so many good things in my life, I need to focus on those things to get myself out of this hole.

 

Please don't chase her, the rejection will only make you feel worse. I know how much you still love her, but imagine how good it is going to be when you love someone that loves you back that much...

 

Just be strong, know that we are here for you, and that you WILL get through this.

[bonpaw2008]

I

 

Buddy if you love someone, then you have to learn to be happy with or without them, and let them be happy with or without you being in their lives. Its not easy but thats what love is. giving someone the power to hurt you and hoping they wont, loving without any string attached, not thinking like this when they are not with you, but love doesnt control, or force people, it happens, and sometimes you have let it go to...

 

 

So true SMK, thanks for this today

[smk]

So true SMK, thanks for this today

 

Bon - we have all been there - we have our good days and we have our bad days - I had a 4 bad run before things looked up last night, touch wood today has been good so far - with time it does get easier to deal with the emotional conflict going on in our heads.

 

I dont know how i will be tomorrow but what worked for me is dealing with each moment as it comes...

 

No thanks needed - we all come here to get support and to support each other through our tough times...

 

Chin up and smile and laugh at this:

 

"I'm just a chubby ninja. Able to move between skinny people. Tiptoeing elephant. No one can see me. And then I attack! With ice cream and jelly, with chocolate sprinkles on top. Mmmmm." - STM

[smk]

i dont want a life without her

 

"pain is weakness leaving the body" - "what doesnt kill you will only make you stronger"

[buckeye]

Harkkam, I'm sorry you're hurting so at this time. I know that pain. I was married 26 years when my stbx told me to leave. In two days it will be officially over. I was checking out her Facebook page daily. All that does is bring pain. I've learned chasing someone who doesn't want you will only prolong the hurt. It's like picking at a sore, it will never heal if you don't stop. Please take my advice and either unsubscribe Facebook or at least, "unfriend" her. You're young, you will find someone, just don't rush it. Hang out with your buddies and family. Get out and do something you enjoy,( I bought a motorcycle) Please talk to someone about your thoughts of taking your life. I lost my best buddy due to his marital problems. I think about him and still miss him even though it's been 31 years ago. You have a whole life ahead of you. If you don't stick around you may be denying someone the chance to meet and love you and who knows, maybe even a family. Be Strong! Learn the lessons of Life! You can do this!

[YellowShark]

LOL now that we all know what type of girl Yellow likes....

 

Ugh H I woke up in a terrible mood, all the anixety back of losing the love of my life.

 

I too lost the love of my life. After seven years together she cheated with who I thought was a very good friend. To make matters even worse he is married, and his wife is pregnant!

 

So I lost two people I cared for harkkam. And ya know what? I thought I was gonna die. I didn't want to "end it all," but I understand the pain of loss. To have two people so close to me betray me, and betray a pregnant wife was the toughest thing I've ever had to process. Yet I did it.

 

It's been almost three months now of NC and I feel better.. occasionally the pain rears it's ugly head, but I break through it. Now I feel better and understand that I have to move on. The best part is I am free and can now date Eva Mendes, Julianne Hough, Jessica Alba, Vida Guerra, Keira Knightley, Gemma Arterton, Angelina Jolie, Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, Erin Andrews, Jill Arrington, Ines Sainz, Megan Fox, Marisa Miller, Adriana lima, Keeley Hazell....

[jen_r]

 

The only choices I see for me are

 

1) Chase after her until she takes me back

2) Take my own life

 

I want to keep trying and trying to get her back until I am no longer able to and if she is not back with me then I dont feel like this life would be worth living.

 

I am right there with you. I feel like those are my only two choices as well. Currently I am doing #1. But during the past 2 weeks there have been close calls with #2. I mean, literally sitting on my floor hyperventilating, crying my eyes out till I passed out. I feel like the slightest thing is going to push me over the edge. I know how you feel. I, too, only want the rest of my life spent with my ex. So, I either go through life alone & sad...or put myself out of misery.

 

I feel like some people can deal with heartbreak, and then there are the few like us who maybe just dont know how to cope? Idk...

[smk]

I am right there with you. I feel like those are my only two choices as well. Currently I am doing #1. But during the past 2 weeks there have been close calls with #2. I mean, literally sitting on my floor hyperventilating, crying my eyes out till I passed out. I feel like the slightest thing is going to push me over the edge. I know how you feel, I, too, only want the rest of my life spent with my ex. So, I either go through life alone & sad...or put myself out of misery.

 

I feel like some people can deal with heartbreak, and then there are the few like us who maybe just dont know how to cope? Idk...

 

Jen,

 

We have all been there. She is my first love, my first real relationship, the first person I ever imagined being married too and unfortunately things didnt work out. I have barely slept in 6 weeks, and have been through what you and Harkam are going through, I assure you most if not all of us have been through that stage where we cant imagine our lives without them, but you have to realise that life is worth living not ending.

 

We all lose loved ones at some point in our lives, just because its a different type of love doesnt mean we loved them any less. I have felt what you are going through, and have felt most of the emotions, but you have be strong for yourself. Its not easy, it will be a roller coaster, but you know what you will come out stronger. The pain will surpass, and you know what if its meant to be then it will happen, and if not then it never was meant to be. You have to look at it that way.

 

I have wanted to go back and force my ex to come back to me but I didnt because I realised that by doing that all you will do is make their resolve stronger to not get back with you. Do you want your ex to come back and see you as a better person or as someone who is weak? Did they fall in love with someone who was strong and confident, or someone who was weak???

 

I dont mean to be harsh, but have faith, the pain will pass and you will come out stronger...

 

Thats all I can say...

[jen_r]

Jen,

 

We have all been there. She is my first love, my first real relationship, the first person I ever imagined being married too and unfortunately things didnt work out. I have barely slept in 6 weeks, and have been through what you and Harkam are going through, I assure you most if not all of us have been through that stage where we cant imagine our lives without them, but you have to realise that life is worth living not ending.

 

We all lose loved ones at some point in our lives, just because its a different type of love doesnt mean we loved them any less. I have felt what you are going through, and have felt most of the emotions, but you have be strong for yourself. Its not easy, it will be a roller coaster, but you know what you will come out stronger. The pain will surpass, and you know what if its meant to be then it will happen, and if not then it never was meant to be. You have to look at it that way.

 

I have wanted to go back and force my ex to come back to me but I didnt because I realised that by doing that all you will do is make their resolve stronger to not get back with you. Do you want your ex to come back and see you as a better person or as someone who is weak? Did they fall in love with someone who was strong and confident, or someone who was weak???

 

I dont mean to be harsh, but have faith, the pain will pass and you will come out stronger...

 

Thats all I can say...

 

I know that I need to be strong and confident - It's just not in me right now. I feel like I am not mentally strong enough to handle this. I mean, I USED to be. I actually used to be pretty heartless when it came to guys coming and going. The fact that this guy broke down my barrier, saw the real me, and showed me actual love makes me believe that he is the one I am supposed to be with. Maybe he is confused and needs to be reminded that we have something more here? I know I am being stupid and I ALSO know that I shouldn't let a person get to me like this where I am considering just "checking out"....but the road to recovery seems so f**king far in the distance. I can't be in this mindset for another year or so!

[mickleb]

harrkam, your thread yesterday was so strong. You are so close to turning this experience into the making of you. Your attitude about perception is SPOT ON.

 

You and jen r are experiencing the 'fight or flight' response. Your 'primary caretaker' has abandoned you and your brain is producing hormones that make it feel as though your very existence is threatened. You are not a helpless child, however and you CAN take care of yourself.

 

You both need to see a doctor and you may well need some medication, temporarily, to help you through but smk's quotes are spot on. Re-read posts #11 and 12, too.

 

The people who come on here to tell someone who is feeling suicidal don't just speak out of their ar*es, as far as I can see. They have been there and survived. And they know, that if they can do it, so can you.

 

Please try to get hold of a copy of The Journey From Heartbreak to Connection (or Abandonment to Healing) by Susan Anderson. You need to understand the physiological processes you are going through, it will give you the perspective to move away from this point you have found yourself at. And call a doctor now.

 

Keep posting and take care.

 

x

[smk]

I know that I need to be strong and confident - It's just not in me right now. I feel like I am not mentally strong enough to handle this. I mean, I USED to be. I actually used to be pretty heartless when it came to guys coming and going. The fact that this guy broke down my barrier, saw the real me, and showed me actual love makes me believe that he is the one I am supposed to be with. Maybe he is confused and needs to be reminded that we have something more here? I know I am being stupid and I ALSO know that I shouldn't let a person get to me like this where I am considering just "checking out"....but the road to recovery seems so f**king far in the distance. I can't be in this mindset for another year or so!

 

in that case you are my female twin...

 

me - fear of abandonment, no ability to connect to people on an emotional level, no real relationship till her (i am 26) - could go months without even speaking to family, didnt believe in love, marriage, kids, etc...

 

then she came in and without a second glance all those barries came down. I fell hopelessly in love with her. 6 month, we talked marriage, kids, grandkids, basically had the next 50 yrs planned, and then her dad gives her an ultimatum - me or her family (we are both different races) she picks her family without giving me much of a chance. trust when i say i have been to the deepest darkest depths of hell, and i still just not there yet... i still have more bad moments then good ones, but i realised one thing, life is for living... i came to realise that the one thing no one could take away from me was the love i have for her, no one could take away the memories, the happy times i had with her, and as hard it is each day, i wake up and i live with myself, and no one knows the future....

we have the strength to fight, sometimes life is cruel, but i believe there is always a lesson to be learnt from every event that occurs in our life...

 

be positive and stay strong...

[jen_r]

in that case you are my female twin...

 

me - fear of abandonment, no ability to connect to people on an emotional level, no real relationship till her (i am 26) - could go months without even speaking to family, didnt believe in love, marriage, kids, etc...

 

then she came in and without a second glance all those barries came down. I fell hopelessly in love with her. 6 month, we talked marriage, kids, grandkids, basically had the next 50 yrs planned, and then her dad gives her an ultimatum - me or her family (we are both different races) she picks her family without giving me much of a chance. trust when i say i have been to the deepest darkest depths of hell, and i still just not there yet... i still have more bad moments then good ones, but i realised one thing, life is for living... i came to realise that the one thing no one could take away from me was the love i have for her, no one could take away the memories, the happy times i had with her, and as hard it is each day, i wake up and i live with myself, and no one knows the future....

we have the strength to fight, sometimes life is cruel, but i believe there is always a lesson to be learnt from every event that occurs in our life...

 

be positive and stay strong...

 

Shut up! My ex's family gave him the same exact ultimatum! They told him if he continued to see me that they would no longer speak to him, so he had to choose! I can't believe that. I was the exact same way - not believing in love, trust, marriage, i didnt even want kids until him!

Ugghh...I dont understand life sometimes.

[smk]

Shut up! My ex's family gave him the same exact ultimatum! They told him if he continued to see me that they would no longer speak to him, so he had to choose! I can't believe that. I was the exact same way - not believing in love, trust, marriage, i didnt even want kids until him!

Ugghh...I dont understand life sometimes.

 

Ok this is weird but hey now you have living proof that you can get through it. Life is complicated, life is tough, and life will put you trough a lot, but only to make you appreciate the good things...

 

I was and still am a broken man, just cos I am having one good day doesn't mean their all gonna be good, I know I still have a long way to go, but I am taking it as it comes. Take it slow, when you feel like smiling - smile, when you feel like crying - cry, it's not easy but you know what I am sure that in some way life has put us through this to teach us a lesson, we way not understand the reasons now but someday we will....

 

Don't live for the past or the future, live your life for today, and sometimes today will be a b**** but hey sooner or later it will end...

 

I went through the same notions, I have cried and I know I still will, I feel the pain each day, but I chose to not let the pain consume me... We all have the power within us to do that...

 

Keep posting here, rant here, vent here, or simply just read here. I started seeing a therapist because i realised that I needed to adress my abandonment issues, and each day I make a little progress, some days I take a step back, but we are only human. You can only pick yourself up if you fall, and unfortunately at some point we all fall in our lives, but you pick yourself up, you dust yourself off and you keep going...

 

Be strong... And think ofthe chubby ninja, tiptoeing elephant... That's gotta make you laugh:...

[jen_r]

Ok this is weird but hey now you have living proof that you can get through it. Life is complicated, life is tough, and life will put you trough a lot, but only to make you appreciate the good things...

 

I was and still am a broken man, just cos I am having one good day doesn't mean their all gonna be good, I know I still have a long way to go, but I am taking it as it comes. Take it slow, when you feel like smiling - smile, when you feel like crying - cry, it's not easy but you know what I am sure that in some way life has put us through this to teach us a lesson, we way not understand the reasons now but someday we will....

 

Don't live for the past or the future, live your life for today, and sometimes today will be a b**** but hey sooner or later it will end...

 

I went through the same notions, I have cried and I know I still will, I feel the pain each day, but I chose to not let the pain consume me... We all have the power within us to do that...

 

Keep posting here, rant here, vent here, or simply just read here. I started seeing a therapist because i realised that I needed to adress my abandonment issues, and each day I make a little progress, some days I take a step back, but we are only human. You can only pick yourself up if you fall, and unfortunately at some point we all fall in our lives, but you pick yourself up, you dust yourself off and you keep going...

 

Be strong... And think ofthe chubby ninja, tiptoeing elephant... That's gotta make you laugh:...

 

BTW sorry to the OP that we hijacked your thread - hopefully this conversation is helping you as well...

 

I guess time shall tell if I can handle this. I just want to get out of this bad mental state cuz it honestly scares me a little. Maybe I've had this feeling of ending it before, and this situation is only making it worse? I don't really know.

[smk]

BTW sorry to the OP that we hijacked your thread - hopefully this conversation is helping you as well...

 

I guess time shall tell if I can handle this. I just want to get out of this bad mental state cuz it honestly scares me a little. Maybe I've had this feeling of ending it before, and this situation is only making it worse? I don't really know.

 

As i said you have the power within you to get out of this place that you are in....

 

I will admit right after my break alot of emotions surfaced, and yes sometimes it does take a traumatic event to bring to surface a lot of feeling but that doesnt mean that you have to act on each one...

 

you just need to focus on the bigger picture that is life, and see how you can move on from this, how you can learn from this, and how you can work at making yourself a stronger person....

[mickleb]

harrkam -

 

How are you doing today?

 

x

[harkkam]

I went to see a doctor and they prescribed lorezepam and wellbutrin.

 

I started taking the lorezepam and its helping to keep me some calm.

 

Perhaps its the medicine thats keeping me calm but I still have my moments that make me want to rush to her work place or telephone and try to work things out with her.

 

I cant seem to let go of her, because I feel like I loved her so much that I cant fathom somebody not appreciating it and throwing away what we had. It feels so foreign and unreal to know that its been three months and this person never contacted me once after everything that I did for them.

 

They dont give me a chance to work on myself and improve what I am doing and just throw me out like nothing.

 

I put so much of myself into her and I know I made mistakes but I wish she would see that it was all in good intention.

 

It makes me angry to realize that all the love I gave her nothing comes of it. She will just find some guys to hangout with and have a fun time with and just forget about me.

 

She is living her life and enjoying her summer and having fun with her brother and friends and I feel trapped in this prison of my mind for three months since she first said the words "leave me alone."

 

I think the hardest part is the fact that this has happened at all. I know our relationship was not strong but I thought that the love we had for each other and the life that we were creating would make her want to work toward it.

 

She gave up and I never expected her to.

[mickleb]

I'm sorry, hon.

 

I think you've done a brave and brilliant thing by going to the doctor. I really hope the tablets give you the break from the pain you need to be able to process all of this properly.

 

I think the fact that you still feel this shocked by it all, after three months, is a good indicator that it is time for a bit of extra help.

 

Really: well done for seeking that out.

 

All of your feelings and questions in the above thread are rational. Sadly, there is no way we can 'make' someone love us. That just isn't what love is.

 

If she chose not to continue to love you and break it off, that will cause you massive pain. But, it is, ultimately, less painful than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care for you, as you do for them.

 

Your relationship was not for nothing. Although you'd prefer this not to be the case, right now, it has helped you, very much, to grow.

 

The lessons you have learned about how and how not to love will be taken to your next relationship. And that relationship will be better for it, if you can grasp that this pain has some meaning.

 

This is a time of self-discovery. A raw, bitter, desperate time of it but one that will lead you to a more fulfilled existence if you can just face it down and think it through. And you can do that, harrkam. Your recent actions tell me that.

 

Take it easy.

 

x