Getting over my insecurities

[Danneth]

Hello all,

 

I'm just posting here to seek advice/thoughts on something that's been troubling me for years. When I was around 15, I was kind of weird. I was fat, I didn't have any friends and I was really quiet. I never really spoke to girls, until one day when I began speaking with this girl in my class. She was extremely pretty (in my eyes at least), seemed really nice, and best of all, actually took the time to speak with me.

 

We spoke quite often, we shared many classes, and somehow (I forget how), I got her phone number. So, at that point, we began texting each other. We talked often via text over the summer, and one night I decided to just take a risk and ask her out. I'd liked her for a long time, and thought she felt the same. So, one night, I asked her out via text (not ideal, but we didn't see each other in person since it was the summer) and she said that we were "just friends". Fair enough, I got turned down, I can take that.

 

When we returned to school, I spoke to somebody and he mentioned that everybody knew I'd asked Summer out (Summer's not her real name, just using it for this post). I asked how they knew, and apparently when I'd asked her out, she and her friends were sat around her phone laughing their asses off at me. I'd been lured into a trap and humiliated as a result. I felt betrayed, hurt and pathetic. She never liked me, I was nothing more than light entertainment to her.

 

Fast forward 4 years. I'm no longer fat, I now have friends and I'm no longer that weird kid who sat on his own at school. I'm not trying to blow my own horn and claim I'm the next George Clooney when I say this, far from it, but I've often had girls complement me on my looks. I'm well spoken and polite. I'd also like to think I'm funny too (although whether I am or not is a different matter!). In short, I'm confident in myself, and feel like I'm a far more accomplished person than I was in school.

 

One thing I still can't overcome though, is my fear of pursuing a romantic interest. I understand that in life, it's the man's role to pursue the women and make things "happen", but I just feel completely inept when I like a girl. I hate messaging them, because no matter how much I tell myself otherwise, I live in fear that somebody is sat reading my texts laughing at me, and if they're not already doing that, that the girl I'm texting will show her friends the text eventually and that they'll all have fun at my expense. It's the same with phone calls, email, facebook chat, I just can't do it. Even if I think the girl may like me, I still find it really hard to communicate this way because I'm paranoid that I'm going to be humiliated.

 

The logical explanation is to avoid messaging all together. That's not so easy these days though. Social messaging is the "norm" and at one time or another, I'm going to need to use these methods of communication to contact a girl I like. I've never had a girlfriend, and I'm beginning to think my fear of pursuing romantic interests is why. I'm well aware a woman isn't going to just walk into my room and declare her love for me. I need to make things happen. I see guys pursuing girls pretty often on Facebook, should I be doing the same?

 

Since the whole "Summer" incident, I've never really pursued a girl. I'm still tentative whilst doing so. I'm pretty sure there's girls who may have liked me too, but I've been too set in my ways to do anything and strike up a true connection.

 

Apologies if this is too long, but it helps to speak of things like this from time to time. Thanks to anybody who has read.

 

Opinions much appreciated.

[jsa100100]

Must have been very traumatic. I'm sorry for your experience.

 

That being said, I recommend you think about dating one of your friends. Or if you don't want to, meet girls with the whole intention of being friends. NO expectations. Seriously, getting butterflies and starting a relationship with someone you just met will not do for you just yet. You have to take the detour from point A to point B, which is the friends zone.

 

Hang out once a week, or less, and get to know her better as friends, and maybe she (or better yet, one of her friends?) will be interested in you. Then you should have much less fear since its either a person you know pretty well already or a referral from someone you trust.

 

Your next goal should be to make a lot of money, be wildly successful and have a beautiful gf/wife, and then call that girl from hs again to see if she wants to hang out ;P

[BettyBoop]

I really feel for you, Danneth. I think it was sooo brave and cute of you to ask her out and I'm sorry she was just laughing her ass off at it - but that simply shows you what kind of person she was. Someone who definitely wasn't worth your emotions.

 

It's easy to be "friend-zoned" by a girl because unless you as a guy makes any moves - we won't know you were ever interested to begin with! I actually like internet dating because then you can get a chance to get to become comfortable with a person before meeting up with them. It is easier to approach someone online rather than in real life - especially if confidence is low and you're worried about being rejected on the spot!

 

I think you really need to start changing your thinking pattern. I understand your fear - but you know what? Any girl who laughs at a guy asking her out is not worth your time anyways. And she is missing out on a great guy - honestly, it is her loss!

 

I would think you need to practice cute texting to a girl you know will not make fun of you. Or practice "texting" here until you feel confident enough to try it out IRL. Promise we won't laugh.

[cesar13]

Dude, I am sorry for the way that cruel girl treated you. Not all girls are bad. If you don't feel comfortable doing it on messenger or texts , maybe you can talk to them on the phone or in person. in person you know nobody else will be listening except you and her.

 

Its weird. My gf has a male friend who finally had the courage to tell her he'd do her and he got turned down. I don't know how that guy feels but I feel bad for him.

[You Go Girl]

You're a sensitive young man. I'm sure most sensitive young men are apprehensive to try to date.

But as a 40 something woman, I can tell you that life is going to happen to you, and you will only be able to control a small portion of you life, as many other factors such as other people, jobs, etc., are going to be making some decisions for you. You have to take RISKS.

The reason you have to take risks is that time is going to pass by...whether you ask girls out and go out with them, or sit in the chair and just daydream about asking girls out. Either way, life and time are going to keep marching along.

You have been pushed down by the first girl you were interested in. Well you have to get back up on your feet.

So many things are going to happen in your life. You may be hired, you may be fired, you may be promoted, you may be demoted...you may get married, you may have kids, you may get divorced...someone close to you will die; it is just a matter of time. Do you get the point I am trying to make?

Just get back up and try again, and then try again, and again, until you succeed. It's a dog eat dog world out there. But you're tough enough to handle it! We all are. We all get pushed down and have to get back up. Welcome to the adult world in which nothing is certain but uncertainty, so get used to it.

[GrayClouds]

Instead of worrying about pursuing anything too romantic, just find some opportunities to hang out with girls. Go to places where they are and just talk to them, take a few risk and go up and start conversations with some cute ones. Go one some group dates or activities.

Once you feel comfortable with being friendly with them, there will be one that comes along that you will want to take that risk. Then take it. Understand nothing is guaranteed but nothing risk is nothing gained. Do not use some immature child's behavior as a excuse for not going after what you want.

 

One thing you have to remind yourself, has much as that experiences hurt, it reflected the person she was not you. By holding on to it you giving her power over your life that she does not deserve. She needed to be cruel to feel better about herself, while you worked hard at becoming a better person by focusing on yourself. You win.

 

 

.