Re-thinking the OM

[minutebyminute]

It's been a while since I posted.

 

I started here over a year ago, I think, a total mess. I had just lost EVERYTHING material I had worked for over the past 11 years, I had an affair towards the end of all this mess, and it took me to a place I thought I would never recover.

I moved with my spouse, leaving the mess behind me, as well as the other man. A year of healing, WOW! after seven months of hysteria, and self medication with the all legal alcohol, here I am. I got a job, not anything rewarding, just money, but also socialization.

Now, here I am, wondering why I can't shake the OM. He dove into a relationship with another person almost immediately after us, which deepens my hurt, but also brings up so many unanswered questions.

 

Why. Why did I have an affair? It goes so deep, but yet I have been married so long (22 years) with two small children 6 & 10, my husband has been my best friend, but my enemy. He abused me for so long, I took it, don't exactly know why. . . thought we could work it out, I was scared, I truly loved him.

 

Then when I finally had enough, he came along (OM) out of the blue and I went for it. I was intoxicated by fantasy, lust, sexual pleasure. He was unattached, carefree, beautiful in my eyes, fit, and had a huge( pardon me ) penis. He knew how to make love to a woman, how to make me feel beautiful. I felt so alive, like I have never felt before, and like I still feel now, even though it is all gone. My husband has never ever been able to make me feel like the OM did, however, the husband is the one who truly loves me, I see, after all this has taken place. The husband has been cruel, abusive, had baggage that wouldn't fit on a barge, but after all of this loss, has changed. I stand so far away, I watch not wanting anymore hurt, yet we live together trying to mend our lives frantically, so that our children won't be hurt.

 

Recently, I looked the OM up on facebook. Forgetting to erase the activity, my husband saw his name. He woke me in the am and wanted to know if I was still in touch with him, but I am not. He wanted to know if I knew how much that hurt him, and all we have been working for was invalid.

I felt like scum, yet I also felt like this: How does it feel mother ****er to love someone so much you would give your life for them and be betrayed by abuse, alcohol, pot, etc. I am not a fashion doll for your friends, a piece of pussy for your taking and liking, never having an orgasm and being told "OK Coach" when I ask you for sexual favors.

 

But here I am ALWAYS thinking of the OM or maybe it was just the sex, I just long for feeling beautiful and fulfilled and the sex I had with the OM made me feel that way. I felt like wearing a thong, a sheer flowing skirt, a low cut blouse, but for me! I felt so beautiful! My husband doesn't make me feel beautiful even though he tells me I am, I just feel like a tank plowing through life for the future. I just don't know where I'm at right now, If we parted, I would miss my best friend, but he needs love too, and I know he isn't getting what he needs from me, or maybe he is, maybe the OM was just a fantasy come true and the life I live with my husband is the norm? I really don't know.

Sorry so long, just had to vent

[In_Repair]

Wow. Reading that is like reading a collection of things that my ex-MW has told me about our relationship. It makes me sad. I feel bad about not being there for her anymore.

[ladydesigner]

Wow that was tough for me to read. I feel for you, I really do. Your marriage does not sound that healthy to me and maybe that is why you are still thinking of your xOM. It took me 2 years to get over my xOM. I had a connection with my xOM that I am sure would probably been blown to pieces if I were to have a relationship with him in reality. Mine was definitely a fantasy. I had a revenge affair and was caught off guard when I started to fall for the xOM. I am not sure what advice I can offer you, only that maybe there is something missing in you that you need to find, where you are not relying on your husband or any other man to make you feel good. I finally realized I had to make myself feel good. I'm sorry you are hurting. Have you looked into couseling? It may help a bit.