Feeling sad, lonely and hugely disappointed.

[Iris]

I can't believe I'm posting this, but I came across this forum and it looked very friendly.

 

I guess the only reason for me writing this is to get some comfort from other people who may have been in a similar situation. Nothing more, nothing less. I am desperately sad and scared as my relationship of 5 months has just come to an end. I am 30. He is 33. I am astonished that I am feeling this way, as 5 months is actually the shortest relationship I've ever been in by far (I've done 7 years, 3 years and a 2 year 'stint'). However, to my absolute horror, I'm gutted to the core with this one.

 

The relationship started really well (as most do). I had known him through a friend for about a year before we got together, so already knew that he was a "nervy" kind of person and also that he had been married before to his university girlfriend for 5 years (they divorced 2 years ago). He seemed really happy to be starting up this relationship with me and I could tell that he was happy. We never mentioned his marriage.

 

Soon into the relationship I noticed that my boyfriend could suddenly switch into quite distant/quiet moods, whereby he would almost only communicate in monosyllables and almost act like a stranger to me. Any previous feelings of closeness seemed to come into question during these moments, but I brushed them aside as it was quite early in the relationship and I just thought it was part and parcel of two people getting to know each others' foibles. These 'stranger' moods upset me though and I'd always wonder what I'd done to piss him off. He later admitted that he used to be 'much worse' with the strange moods and indeed admitted that he could be "very strange". I liked him so much I said not to worry about it - but in retrospect we should really have talked about it more and I should have asked him what caused these moods. Some days/nights we would see each other and we would get on like a house on fire, but then the next night we could be like strangers to one another. He was a very nervy person and would often act awkward around my friends and other people. It was when he started acting like this with ME though, that I was became so confused and upset.

 

Only last weekend we had a fantastic weekend together and he said twice what a great weekend it had been and we were both "loved up". He talked about the holiday in Portugal that we were meant to be going on in May. By the next time we meet (on the Tuesday) he was definately in one of his distant moods again and I was left feeling like I was talking to a stranger. There was a very awkward atmosphere between us. On Thursday it was the same and something had to give. I asked him what was going on and he initially said "I don't think we get along that well". He later said that that had been a stupid thing to say, as of course we got on well - but the fact that that was the first thing he said made me wonder whether he meant it.

 

I just felt like saying we WOULD get on well if it wasn't for his weird moods and his "nervousness".....however I know it takes two to tango and thought that maybe I was the cause of his black moods? Because I had been so upset about the reoccuring 'gap' between us, I suggested that I thought there was nothing much we could do about it (i.e. we couldn't fundamentally change our personalities) so we both kind of mutually agreed that we would have to split.

 

So now it's almost a week later and I'm feeling shocked to the core and can't believe this relationship is over. I am hugely disappointed that the relationship didn't work out and I of course miss him so much. The sensible part of me tells me that if he was right for me we wouldn't have felt like strangers to one another, but the other part is wondering whether we knocked this on the head too soon and whether we should have promised to make a good go of the relationship by being more communicative and open about our emotions. I have never felt as scared in my entire life. I can't explain what I'm scared off. Just that I'm scared to death. I feel ridiculous, as there people much worse off than me in life (hell, apart from this what have I got to be sad about?) but I just can't help feeling the way I do. I guess part of me is of course also not feeling happy to be single again at 30, and I'm feeling that I'll never find somebody to be happy with. The main reason though is that I am sad that my relationship with him has come to an end.

 

If anybody can be bothered to answer after reading this extremely long (and probably highly dull) post, it would mean a lot.

 

Iris

[SoleMate]

First of all, sympathies. This is an extremely difficult time for you, I can see.

 

Your ex may have a mood disorder, possibly depression. Depression is at the root of many breakups, I am quite convinced. As to whether you should have stuck it out...I can tell you quite confidently that just "trying" and "communicating" would NOT have helped the situation. Counselling and treatment would have given you a chance. It's really a personal choice whether a particular relationship afflicted with this kind of severe problem is worth struggling to fix. After my experienced dealing with getting treatment for depressed people, I would say to someone who's "only" 30, that you may be better off moving on.

 

You feel scared to death now. That must must be painful and disorienting. I would suggest you tackle your own issues, because I do think that people with issues have a tendency to seek each other out. I mean that since you were in a close relationship with someone with emotional issues, there is a chance that you have some as well. Why not talk to a therapist who specialies in cogntive behavioral therapy and see if you can get a grip on your feelings, and guide them into a less painful path?

 

Good luck, post again, as often as you want to.

[NEONINK]

First of all... be glad you only invested 5 months in this.

 

Next, sometimes God does for us, what we cannot do for ourselves. It is possible that his strange behaviour was just a sign of things to come, and you have such good karma, the stars decided to do you a favor and run the guy off.

 

I know you cannot "believe" it ended. Denial is the first stage of grief. And you certainly have lost something, therefore there is grief involved. You may have hoped for the, "and they lived happily ever after" fairytale. We all do it with the new relationships, whether we want to admit it or not. At least those of us that have decided to get involved and put our hearts on the line.

 

Why ask why? This guy seems a little strange with this moody, nervous crap. Yuck. You might have ended up hating him for it.

[NatoPMT]

i'm sorry iris, you arent alone and i imagine every person that reads your thread will understand your feelings and as thats what you are looking for, you are certainly posting in the right place.

 

as you know, noone can give you definitive answers but people will certainly listen to you and its a fantastic way of organising your thoughts and externalising the confusion you feel when something that feels so unfinished is clearly finished.

 

i agree with neo & soul in that it sounds like this fella has some problems that would have encroached on your positivity, your self esteem and there would have been nothing you could do to reach him - the fact you have stopped things here is for the best - you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped. the fact he withdrew and became moody should be ringing some serious serious warning whoops. a relationship with someone like this can only serve to drain your energy and the fact you feel this way and its shocked you this much are evidence in itself, this could only get worse and i am thankful for you that you knocked it on the head before it served to pull you further into confusion and pain.

 

i am 32, i was singletoned 5 months ago, i was sat in the pub wailing that i wanted to get married (dignity didnt come into it) - i thought exactly the same as you. i couldnt imagine meeting anyone else, but with the support of brilliant friends and this place, within 3 months i was dancing round like a looner singing 'yeay i am single'. odd behaviour i know, but sums up the euphoria i felt when i realised i have total control over how i feel and what happens to me. am not giving that up again - full stop. and someone that makes you feel distant and like a stranger is going to make you forget who you are in an attempt to salvage who they are.

 

BB

[pinkroses]

I was in a seven month relationship that ended suddenly a month ago. My guy was the same way, with weird, distant moods mixed in with warm, companionable ones. Guys like that should be cursed to live life alone, and let those of us who want meaningful relationships find someone worth our while.

[dario]

Pinkroses....that sounded a bit harsh. I think anyone like that shouldn't necessarily be 'cursed to live alone'...but be encouraged in some way to seek help so that they can communicate with potential partners and live a life that we all truly deserve. That's also said from experience.

[Iris]

Thank you all for your words. I think that is all I needed to hear. Some of them even brought a smile to my lips! At times like this when you're so heavy hearted you just want somebody to tell you that it's going to be alright. I have a good network of friends/family, but I'm intentionally not wanting to go on and on at them and be miserable around them as it's just not fair (although they're all being GREAT of course).

 

Thank you so much. I just need to be strong. I will keep on browsing here and maybe posting again - but I wish you all the best in your situations too.

 

Iris

x

[BB]

Hi Iris - go on at us if you feel guilty talking to your friends, i couldnt have got through it without my best friend tho, she was there for me at 5am while i demanded we sing justin timberlake songs again and again. god i think she even enjoyed it. there's a difference between being self pitying and bitter which many people are at the end of a relationship, and knowing you just have to get through this.

 

people wont get fed up of you, you always know who you can rely on and they are the people that you would sit up with till 5am singing cheesy pop songs if thats what they needed.

 

one of the greatest things i took away from my break up was the knowledge of how amazing my friends are, and how valued they are to me, that gave me the strength to begin to forget the pain and start having the best time of my life, which is where i am now.

 

it IS going to be all right. i promise you. no matter how hurt you are its never going to last forever.

 

ps this was BigBelm, i have forgotten my password and deleted my cookies so am incognito till i work it out

[dijenush]

Well Iris, I thoroughly understand you. I had the same thing, for six month. However, I made the mistake to get together with the guy every time we "splitted up". It's almost two weeks now that we are apart, and it's getting better and better.

 

Just get over him. It would have been heaven and hell at once with a guy like him...so it's not worth investing time and emotions. Once you spend some time with really good normal friends, you'll realise that it's better this way.

 

so, be strong, and don't worry, and enjoy your mental health.