Is EA a good enough reason for infidelity?

[wheelwright]

(EA as in emotional abuse.) Well, not reason but excuse in the form of finding what you need?

 

I know it depends. But could it ever be?

[califnan]

(EA as in emotional abuse.) Well, not reason but excuse in the form of finding what you need?

 

I know it depends. But could it ever be?

 

-------------------

 

I thought EA is an emotional affair..

[spriggig]

(EA as in emotional abuse.) Well, not reason but excuse in the form of finding what you need?

 

I know it depends. But could it ever be?

 

Here is what you may not have considered. Assuming you're the potential cheater, cheating hurts you too. You'll trust yourself less, be more likely to resort to cheating again for other reasons, and if you're married and the cheating leads to divorce, you'll have to reveal the reason for the end of your marriage to any future potential mates--or lie about it.

 

There is never a good reason to cheat and the damage is not limited to the BS.

 

If you're in an abusive relationship, what you need is to get out, not to cheat.

[lolalove]

If it's abuse over a period of time, I would leave the marriage before cheating. Emotional abuse covers a range of behaviors though. Personally, I think the term is used too losely.

[wheelwright]

Here is what you may not have considered. Assuming you're the potential cheater, cheating hurts you too. You'll trust yourself less, be more likely to resort to cheating again for other reasons, and if you're married and the cheating leads to divorce, you'll have to reveal the reason for the end of your marriage to any future potential mates--or lie about it.

 

There is never a good reason to cheat and the damage is not limited to the BS.

 

If you're in an abusive relationship, what you need is to get out, not to cheat.

 

You're right. But I am not considering myself as good future relationship fodder at this point.

 

So that bit doesn't matter.

 

And what is slowly dawning on me as a childhood victim of EA (no doubt and PA there too) is that I can't tell the difference in an adult R.

 

I agree cheating hurts me -but so does everything else (I sound worse off than I am there), but I have intelligence and coping mechanisms in place. I just don't know how to judge it.

 

I don't trust counsellors. They are so far less versed in psychiatry than I am myself. I've tried. I don't trust anyone.

 

I have good friends.

[wheelwright]

-------------------

 

I thought EA is an emotional affair..

 

 

Funny enough the A was my 'worm has turned' response to emotional abuse. Although I have great difficulty in isolating the truth of EA. It's absolutely true of all my 3 parents, my H is more borderline.

 

You know, I'm starting to think I just don't want to take anymore sh**.

 

Can you go over the top here?

[Spark1111]

Of course there is.....

 

Emotional abuse at the hands of someone who loves you sets you up to always expect less of others who come into your life to love you....

 

It makes it acceptable in some portion of your psyche to except unacceptable behavior.

 

Why?

 

It feels normal and familiar.

 

We learn our love languages at a very early age from how are parents treat us; how they show their love to us.

 

Unfortunately for many, that can be a very dangerous situation and a very difficult one to overcome in adulthood.

 

Denial, which allows us to cope with our childhood situation, becomes a huge impediment in adulthood when we are attempting to establish true intimacy with another.

 

Only way out? Examining past treatment, howeve painful, ao as to not repeat the same self-destructive mistakes over and over and over again.

[bentnotbroken]

(EA as in emotional abuse.) Well, not reason but excuse in the form of finding what you need?

 

I know it depends. But could it ever be?

 

 

Anything can be used as an excuse for infidelity. All one needs is justify it in there mind that because "their" situation is so "unique" they deserve to be happy at all cost. While this may sound good when you are in the middle of not having your needs met or having your esteem ripped to shreds by someone whom you love(or once loved), someone who you have a good deal of your life invested in or children with, someone who has seen you at your most vulnerable and your worst. Then they used all they knew about you, rewrote history, forgot about all the good parts and used the info to stab you in the heart and soul.

 

Why shouldn't that drive you to seek comfort from someone else more appreciative? It is human nature to want to be loved and appreciated. That isn't exclusive to anyone. Day after day, month after month, year after year...always taking and never putting anything in until you are dry and empty. You don't care how the "abuser" feels, why should you? They certainly haven't demonstrated they care how you feel. Be it emotional or sexual(though I could never understand how someone desired the person they were abusing or the abuser being desired...I couldn't do it.), abuse is a damaging if not killing to relationships.

 

I certainly didn't think about the damage that I caused and according to some I deserved to be cheated on. Mr. Messy was an expert at the emotional abuse, did he deserve to be cheated on...in my head (yes), in my heart(yes) in my own soul, my own conscious(NO!). Why because I wouldn't want it done to me(:lmao:) Why would anyone want to become the person that abused them, yes I see infidelity as abuse. Anything that damages the psyche, heart, mind, esteem, and soul of another is ABUSE.

 

Back to your question...is it an excuse? Not unless you allow it to be. And I didn't allow it to be an excuse. I can get my needs met in a way that doesn't hurt someone else because my life and needs are no more important than the next person who needs. I am blessed beyond measure and there is no reason for me to place any additional burdens on someone else's life.

[spriggig]

You're right. But I am not considering myself as good future relationship fodder at this point.

 

So that bit doesn't matter...

 

I am right.

 

So, why make things worse? Whatever good you're imagining would come from an affair is just that, your imagination. How could you possibly "find what you need" by doing something so deceitful? There is no truth in cheating.

 

There is no truth in cheating.

[ladydesigner]

(((wheelwright))) Oh sweetie you sound like you have been through so much. I know your story well as we both have had A's. I had mine as revenge, yours may have been too or an escape. Either way I knew it wasn't the right thing to do regardless of what state my marriage was in at the time, but I did it anyway.

 

I hope that you can find a place of peace. I'm not sure your M sounds too healthy for you. I believe emotional abuse can sometimes cause more damage than physical abuse.

 

I'm not sure what else to say other than I am thinking of you and hope that you can find some resolution.

[Dexter Morgan]

(EA as in emotional abuse.) Well, not reason but excuse in the form of finding what you need?

 

I know it depends. But could it ever be?

 

no, nothing excuses cheating. EA, or any other perceived "excuse" is reason to LEAVE the relationship.

[Spark1111]

(EA as in emotional abuse.) Well, not reason but excuse in the form of finding what you need?

 

I know it depends. But could it ever be?

 

Well, it may be part of the reason as to the "why" of self-destructive behaviors, but many affairs are simply a diversion from what you need.

 

What you need lies within; self-love; clear and enforced boundaries of what behaviors you will and will not tolerate from others; and the strength and confidence to believe you deserve love, kindness and consideration.

[wheelwright]

Of course there is.....

 

Emotional abuse at the hands of someone who loves you sets you up to always expect less of others who come into your life to love you....

 

It makes it acceptable in some portion of your psyche to except unacceptable behavior.

 

Why?

 

It feels normal and familiar.

 

We learn our love languages at a very early age from how are parents treat us; how they show their love to us.

 

Unfortunately for many, that can be a very dangerous situation and a very difficult one to overcome in adulthood.

 

Denial, which allows us to cope with our childhood situation, becomes a huge impediment in adulthood when we are attempting to establish true intimacy with another.

 

Only way out? Examining past treatment, howeve painful, ao as to not repeat the same self-destructive mistakes over and over and over again.

 

Thanks for this reply. It echoes thoughts I have been having myself now I am finally starting to deal with these issues.

 

I recognise I have feelings of shame attached to these experiences. I feel ashamed to write about it here. I do not find it nearly as easy as talking about the A and the pain that caused me (and others).

 

I also seem to be waking up to how I have accepted negative behaviour. And to the idea that I don't have to put up with it. But I am worried that I am going to lose my trust in men completely.

[wheelwright]

Well, it may be part of the reason as to the "why" of self-destructive behaviors, but many affairs are simply a diversion from what you need.

 

What you need lies within; self-love; clear and enforced boundaries of what behaviors you will and will not tolerate from others; and the strength and confidence to believe you deserve love, kindness and consideration.[/QUOTE]

 

Bolded part - succinctly perfect.

 

Do you see all As as self-destructive then?

[wheelwright]

Anything can be used as an excuse for infidelity. All one needs is justify it in there mind that because "their" situation is so "unique" they deserve to be happy at all cost. While this may sound good when you are in the middle of not having your needs met or having your esteem ripped to shreds by someone whom you love(or once loved), someone who you have a good deal of your life invested in or children with, someone who has seen you at your most vulnerable and your worst. Then they used all they knew about you, rewrote history, forgot about all the good parts and used the info to stab you in the heart and soul.

 

Why shouldn't that drive you to seek comfort from someone else more appreciative? It is human nature to want to be loved and appreciated. That isn't exclusive to anyone. Day after day, month after month, year after year...always taking and never putting anything in until you are dry and empty. You don't care how the "abuser" feels, why should you? They certainly haven't demonstrated they care how you feel. Be it emotional or sexual(though I could never understand how someone desired the person they were abusing or the abuser being desired...I couldn't do it.), abuse is a damaging if not killing to relationships.

 

I certainly didn't think about the damage that I caused and according to some I deserved to be cheated on. Mr. Messy was an expert at the emotional abuse, did he deserve to be cheated on...in my head (yes), in my heart(yes) in my own soul, my own conscious(NO!). Why because I wouldn't want it done to me(:lmao:) Why would anyone want to become the person that abused them, yes I see infidelity as abuse. Anything that damages the psyche, heart, mind, esteem, and soul of another is ABUSE.

 

Back to your question...is it an excuse? Not unless you allow it to be. And I didn't allow it to be an excuse. I can get my needs met in a way that doesn't hurt someone else because my life and needs are no more important than the next person who needs. I am blessed beyond measure and there is no reason for me to place any additional burdens on someone else's life.

 

I can see you put a lot into this post Bent. Thanks for that.

 

I recognise that my behaviour to my H in having an A was abusive - I didn't smile at him and pretend all was OK. In fact, I visibly imploded in front of him. But it was still abuse, yes. I have learnt that from LS and through really thinking about what it means to behave as I did, and the outcome is I know I will never do that again.

 

I am sad about it all - the reasons I ended up here stretching back so far, the faultline in my M, the loss of the love I felt for xMOM, which had seemed so perfect but which in the end only damaged us all.

 

I am sad, but in recent weeks I have become so much stronger. And more peaceful.

[wheelwright]

(((wheelwright))) Oh sweetie you sound like you have been through so much. I know your story well as we both have had A's. I had mine as revenge, yours may have been too or an escape. Either way I knew it wasn't the right thing to do regardless of what state my marriage was in at the time, but I did it anyway.

 

I hope that you can find a place of peace. I'm not sure your M sounds too healthy for you. I believe emotional abuse can sometimes cause more damage than physical abuse.

 

I'm not sure what else to say other than I am thinking of you and hope that you can find some resolution.

 

Thanks LD. I think I am on my way to a more positive space.

 

I find the bolded line interesting. I wonder if it was true of me. It reminds me of the wonderful feeling of liberation we can get from that 'doing it anyway' feeling. And the pressure people must be feeling to get to that point. I totally understand your 'revenge' response here - I don't know if you will agree but perhaps revenge is the wrong word. Perhaps you just needed to do something to liberate yourself from how your H had treated you? I think that's what I mean by my original question.

 

I have reached a point where I wish my A hadn't happened because of all the disastrous consequences. But I don't feel ashamed I behaved like that. I would not respond the same way again, because I have a deeper understanding of the negative parts of my behaviour. But I see why I did it.

[Spark1111]

Well, it may be part of the reason as to the "why" of self-destructive behaviors, but many affairs are simply a diversion from what you need.

 

What you need lies within; self-love; clear and enforced boundaries of what behaviors you will and will not tolerate from others; and the strength and confidence to believe you deserve love, kindness and consideration.[/QUOTE]

 

Bolded part - succinctly perfect.

 

Do you see all As as self-destructive then?

 

Well, yes; not in the developing feelings for another; but rather in the cowardly deception necessary to sustain them. If it was all owned and truthtold, it would not be an affair. The damage to all parties involved would be so much less devastating.

 

We cannot control who we may feel an attraction to or why; but why do we then lie about it? Sneak? Deceive?

 

That's the pathology to examine in one's psyche.

 

Did you feel entitled?

Did you feel undeserving of honorable, out in the open love?

Did you feel guilty?

If yes, why did you allow it to continue? Why do you not feel worthy of honorable, out in the open love? Why do you feel you cannot get your needs met within your marriage? Did you express them? What happened then? Why did you allow yourself to grow resigned that your spouse would not/could not meet your needs?

 

Do you see the track individual counseling should take you down on? Do you see one positively owned action that did not cause some sort of pain during the marriage or the affair?

 

These are hard, introspective questions a counsellor, worth their salt would have you think about.

 

 

So the question isn't you developed romantic feelings for another.

 

The question becomes why did you convince yourself it was necessary to hide them?

[ladydesigner]

Thanks LD. I think I am on my way to a more positive space.

 

I find the bolded line interesting. I wonder if it was true of me. It reminds me of the wonderful feeling of liberation we can get from that 'doing it anyway' feeling. And the pressure people must be feeling to get to that point. I totally understand your 'revenge' response here - I don't know if you will agree but perhaps revenge is the wrong word. Perhaps you just needed to do something to liberate yourself from how your H had treated you? I think that's what I mean by my original question.

 

I have reached a point where I wish my A hadn't happened because of all the disastrous consequences. But I don't feel ashamed I behaved like that. I would not respond the same way again, because I have a deeper understanding of the negative parts of my behavior. But I see why I did it.

 

Yes I feel this is a better term than "revenge" as well. I did feel liberated from the way my H was making me feel. My having an A, and I hate to admit this, but it really got me to the point of taking action to end my marriage. It was at that point that my H changed. He is a different person now, so am I. If he had not made that change our M would be over. Hindsight I ask myself now why couldn't I have done that without the A. Like you I also would never respond the same way again.

[fooled once]

(EA as in emotional abuse.) Well, not reason but excuse in the form of finding what you need?

 

I know it depends. But could it ever be?

 

No - not in my view.

 

Divorce is always an option instead of cheating. I don't understand why cheating is the first option.

 

I was in a physically abusive marriage. Never did I think "well, how about I cheat on him". I chose to divorce him. Worked much better

[Mimolicious]

Here is what you may not have considered. Assuming you're the potential cheater, cheating hurts you too. You'll trust yourself less, be more likely to resort to cheating again for other reasons, and if you're married and the cheating leads to divorce, you'll have to reveal the reason for the end of your marriage to any future potential mates--or lie about it.

 

There is never a good reason to cheat and the damage is not limited to the BS.

 

If you're in an abusive relationship, what you need is to get out, not to cheat.

 

 

I agree with Sprig here. Besides, if you get caught you think the emotional abuse is going to subdue?

 

If you are in an abusive relationship whether it is physical or emotional, please seek help. I know that it is easier said than done but try to find a way out. As crazy as this may sound sometimes it is easier to heal a physical wound than to forget emotional scars. I have actually met few people that have taught me that and experienced it myself.

 

Also, remember that your actions live in your conscience and you are the one that goes to sleep with it at night. Is cheating going to make you feel better? What exactly are you fixing by putting a ban-aid on the reall issues?