Don't do what I've done

[sandiego]

For anyone considering staying in contact with an ex, I thought I'd share a personal story that might help you reconsider. By going NC, you will most likely save yourself months and months of grief (Cali Guys NC guide is right on).

 

10 months ago, by GF of 2 1/2 years broke up with me. She had wanted to get married for quite sometime before, and I never could commit (although I loved her dearly, I wasn't sure I was "in love"). Nonetheless, the breakup hurt more than expected. I pined and ruminated over it for 2-3 months, doing everything in my power to win her back. Finally, after 3 months I felt I was moving on and stopped contacting her for several weeks. At this point, she came back, saying she'd made a huge mistake and wanted to try again. We did, and a month later...I felt the same way (annoyed, unfulfilled etc.) and she felt the same way (wanted marriage etc.). Without further discussion, she broke up with me, again.

 

This was 5 months ago. We kept in contact, and she kept throwing me breadcrumbs, saying that maybe someday in the future we could be together, that it "definitely could happen".

 

This continued, of course, until she found another guy that she "really, really liked".....then her attitude changed and I was told "to move on because it was over for good". Well, the guy broke up with her after a months, claiming she was too clingy (true, true). Then it was back to "maybe someday with me". Over the past 4 months, we've continued to talk every few weeks or so.

 

Today I called to say hi (which I knew was a bad idea). I find out, once again, that I need to move on and that she's found someone she thinks she's in love with. Mind you, I knew this would happen (her past behavior made it clear this type of instant "falling in love" was a pattern. She did it with me back when we first got together).

 

So here I am, 10 months after the breakup and once again feeling as if I'm at square one. There is no hope for us, clearly, and I'm hurting once again. It doesn't sting quite like it did after our initial breakup, but it still hurts. 10 months is too long a timeframe to allow oneself to stay stuck, at least in my case.....and I've been the one who allowed it.

 

For anyone in the early stages of a breakup, the best advice I (and many posters) can give is to go NC until you're unequivically over it, without any lingering romantic feelings. At that point, friendship may be an option.

 

But please, don't do what I did........you'll most likely suffer far longer than necessary.

 

10 months after our breakup, I'm starting NC for what I intend to be the last time.

 

Thanks for listening.

SD

[oldfashiongirlie]

Oh i'm sorry, and i understand how you feel, I'm in this crazy cycle with my ex, and i know it's not a good idea to talk and try to be friends after a relationship.

Seems like she wants to keep you in her back pocket, just in case, to have someone there for her when she's not with someone else.

There is lots of girls that can't be alone with themselves, sounds like she is one of those, the ones that need to have a boyfriend to feel "complete".

Good luck and this time i hope you won't go back to that destructive cycle, it's not healthy for you.

[dexhunterz]

Hey, thanks for this. I actually think this is what would probably happen in my situation. I don't mind being friends, but I think going NC until I could see her in someone else's arms and not really care is probably my best option lol. Once again, thanks for sharing.

[archivist]

Hey SD, I remember how our relationships were kind of similar. Be glad that you now have full closure and you can fully commit to NC and get over her. Sometimes I wonder if I need a similar experience for me to put all these doubts behind me.

 

Call me crazy but I wanted to know what it would be like if she contacted me, how i'd respond (or not) what we would talk about, would she confess to making a huge mistake etc.

 

For me I am on my 8th week of NC, the only contact I have is when I see her comments on mutual friends pictures/status on facebook. She has not bothered to contact me and I am relieved and at the same time disappointed by it.

 

So despite your bad experiences you are no longer have to urge to contact her like I still have now and then.

[cavedweller]

sand,

 

The only way to move on with your life is to go 100% NC and stick to it.

[sandiego]

Thanks for everyone's comments. Cavedweller - you statement is right on. Archivist - you're doing a fantastic job....8 weeks NC is awesome. I was actually doing quite well until I noticed a post on my ex's Facebook page that piqued my interested. Had I just ignored it (rather than call to say "hi"), I could've spared myself new information about the new guy who she "could see herself with forever".....surely, I didn't need to hear that.

 

Resist the urge, and know that contact after 8 weeks will most likely do nothing but postpone your healing (but I know you already know this).....and you may learn additional info about her "new life" that sinks your heart....you definitely don't need that. Keep it up man, wish I could be 8 weeks deep into NC like you.

 

Oldfashiongirle - you couldn't be more accurate...it's an extremely destructive cycle, not at all healthy!

 

Dexhunterz - Thanks for your comments. Being friends just might work, but definitely give it enough time in the NC zone before trying...you'll be way better off.

 

Thanks again for everyone's insight and support.

SD

[DustySaltus]

Sandiego, the question is now what are you going to do when the inevitable phone call comes again?

[Nobody's Bunny]

I've been going through a very similar situation. My ex and I were together for almost 5 years and were living together for 3 1/2 years until one day he said he couldn't do it anymore and I was forced to leave my home. We were apart for a two week period, during which he slowly began contacting me, saying he missed me. I had to go over to the apartment we shared a couple of times because in leaving so haphazardly during the breakup I'd forgotten things I needed. I'd keep my cool and he'd follow me around like a puppy, asking me questions and such. By the end of those two weeks he was a mess. I'd gone over there before going back to stay with my parents and he cried like a baby and admitted that he really did love me and that he was sorry and he didn't know what to do...we were basically having problems because of money and mainly because he seems to have an intense fear of commitment and has anger issues. Bottom line: he became mean and it made me depressed and listless.

[spellcatcher]

It makes me sad reading this... but I was never capable of ignoring someone or blocking them out of my life... no matter what... =( in the end i always feel like I care more about them than I do about being hurt or my pride.

 

Once an ex cheated on me (which I suspected)... and 2 days after he confessed and we broke up he called me at 2 am after my late shift because he had a fight with his father and had no one to go to and I came out with him for a good hour to listen to him. It's bad... but oh well...

 

Anyhow, my point is... women don't always necessarily contact an ex to string you along... (which is what it seems most guys think) ... and its not always with the evil design of self gratification by knowing you still want them...

 

Sometimes it's just an impulse... sometimes there's no evil plan at all... sometimes we just miss you... or the sound of your voice... and have not a clue what to do once we hear it =)

[Wrenne]

I broke up with my bf of 1.5 yrs 3 mo ago. It was a very difficult decision and I'm still in love with him. We broke up bc i was moving and didnt trust him enough for a LTR. He said he wanted to stay friends. He is friends with all of his recent long-term exs. He is a very sociable person and has stayed close with all of them. I said I needed time to get over him and have been nc for about a month, including defending him and his friends/family on fb. He's already with a new girl, for a month now. He sent me email saying he wants to be my friend and his new gf has no affect on our relationship. I had a big test recently and I got an anonymous email of encouragement that I'm pretty sure is from him. I haven't responded. I want to be mature, understanding, compassionate, and a good person. I don't know if I should send him a short thank you and to see how he's doing. I'd like to be on good terms with him like his other exs but it is very painful. When I found out he was with someone else I became sick. But what's the harm in sending a short email if that's what he wants?

Edited July 29, 2010 by Wrenne