Ashes_risen Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 After about two months of being separated from my wife, she calls a couple days ago and basically wants me back. After taking care of myself through exercising and I'm also about to go to school for medical/nursing, I've pretty much prepaired myself mentally that we were done and the divorce was a done deal. Not so much as I thought. Now she's wanting to call off the divorce, and slowly take me back because she said she missed me and still loved me. She mentioned some dating first. But if we were to get back together, she wanted to go out and do stuff. I also would have to apologize to her side of the family for the stupid thing I did. I told her that I wouldn't come back at least until I got my CNA certification out of the way since I've already paid some money into it. I'm torn between leaving her now and living my own life (divorcing her) or, slowly going back to her. I'm more or less leaning to be an independant man; taking care of myself and my kids as I was orginally going to do. But I also wonder what it could be like to be with her again. Could we work things out and be a happily married couple? I just want to have a better career and not be so dependant on her. I just don't think we can pull it off of me doing 2 years of schooling in another state. I really want to work towards my RN.
Author Ashes_risen Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Sorry, I just kinda ran through the tidbits of it a little. Yes, we have two kids together. One is 6, the other is 3. My wife is in Texas, and I'm in Oklahoma. I'm 29 and had to move back with my folks, otherwise I'd be living in a car that would eventually end up in repo. She wanted to divorce me because I worked all night long, sometimes 12 hr shifts, and still watched the kids during the day while she worked. We didn't get to see much of each other or do much. I looked very sick as I'd been doing this sort of thing for too long (sleep deprived) and wasn't eating well. I didn't really feel a part of much, I wasn't even in recent pictures. I was enduring a very crappy life and marriage. She also went to lunch with another man a lot. She had told me about him, but I didn't get jealous, but it did make me more distant. Him and her are still friends and do stuff together, she said she hasn't had sex since having sex with me, but I know her to have lied about things before. I'm wondering if she rebounded on him, and it didn't go so well. I'm kinda just wanting to keep the issue open, I was going to write her and tell her that I basically wasn't going to come back to her at all. But couldn't do it. Guess it's just hard to put the words together. I still do love her, but I just don't want to end up repeating history again. I'm looking at the brighter side it seems, (getting a new job, getting my own place, fixing my horrible debt and credit, boinking some new cooter, and being a free man). Seems tempting. Maybe she sensed that I was just enjoying myself too much, like seeing/knowing I was hurting was fueling her.
Author Ashes_risen Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Thanks for the feedback. Man, that's a hard scenario because it seems like you definitely want to be single. Especially when you mention that you rather boink someone else. I guess the question is what would make you happy. The only downside since you have kids together is that she'll never really be out of your life. So if there is any hope of saving the relationship, it would be now. Ask yourself this question, could you stand to see her with another man when you visit the kids or she comes sees the kids? I'm not saying make this the reason you stay but if there is hope for happiness in the future with her, that's something to keep in mind. Ugh, it's hard, trust me. I may have to work on trying to fix our relationship. But it comes with time. Her and I basically had said that it would be like starting all over again, but as a better couple. Which I hope will happen. It's just crazy how she was all gung ho and was probably listening to her f'n mother about getting a divorce, now she's backed off and is even pissed at her own family because they called that other guy her boyfriend lol.
lkjh Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Im wondering about her wanting to completely start over. Women are impulsive and this seems odd. Im wondering if maybe she feels guilty for her "friendship" with the OM and now want to start over to clear her conscience. Look into that a little bit Also you working a lot does not mean you did something wrong. That is life and there is no need for you to apologize to her family for that
2.50 a gallon Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I am with lkjh with this. She broke up with you because you worked nights? Apologizing for having to work nights to support your family? That is not your bad. In todays economy she should be greatful that you are able to contribute. And the added benefit of not having to pay child care during the day. Yes, I don't think she can stand you being away for two years. My gut instinct is to say you have moved on, keep on moving, and someday you will find somebody who truly appreciates you. You wife has shown a severe charachter flaw, tossing aside the marriage because you work nights? Refusing to talk to etc. But that would mean having to give up on watching you kids grow up, and I am sure the added expense of child support.
PWSX3 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 If you go back, there has to be counseling. You DO NOT want what was because that didn't work. You will need to start over. Take it slow, there is no hurry to get back together. Time will also tell you if she is really serious about it or if there is other reasons she hasn't told you such as just being lonely, doesn't want to be by herself, etc.... Those are not reasons to get back together with someone.
Butterflair Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 My gut tells me that there is more to the relationship with the other guy and you shouldn't trust everything just on what she says. You need more info and proof. Since you are unsure about what you want, take some time, don't commit to anything yet. Tell her you have to think it over and do not apologize for anything. Especially for working to support your family. That's twisted. How is that a stupid thing? As said above, take your time, think about it and counseling if there is a reconciliation.
sylviaguardian Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Only you know the answer to this. The question that is important above all else is do you miss her? Can you see the two of you in five years now? What will the relationship be like? Some couples do get back together but it takes a superhuman effort on both sides. If it's not there on both sides, it's just going to be prolonging the mess. Syl
cyabye Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Continue with your education. Continue to take care of your kids and yourself. Your STBXW was probably having and affair and that's why she left (or asked you to leave). Not some lame reason of working too much night shift (been there, done that). She is blameshifting to make herself feel better about the divorce (cheaters do this). Now, she wants you back probably because her affair did not work out (rarely does). Do you want to be the back up plan? Sounds like you have it figured out already and you just needed some reassurance. Well here it is. Good luck! Cya
Author Ashes_risen Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Thank you all for the great replies. I've been doing fine so far. I've still been dragging myself around at times. Still have this void in me and it hurts really bad. I think she WAS having some kind of thing with the OM. Maybe not phsyically, but emotionally having an affair with him in and out of work and even after he left her work. I know for the last part of us being together she was texting someone A LOT. I should have seen some of the signs but didn't know or want to believe it. All I know is that I'm really lonely and fighting my depression has been very very hard. I do however keep telling myself that one of the bonus's to my career path I'm going into is that there are a TON of women that I'll be working around. I may end up meeting a really cool gal that fancy's me as much as I fancy her. And I'm a good looking hunk of a man too. Not to mention, great in bed.
cavedweller Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Ashes, She has been sleeping with some other dude..Get rid of her and move on with your life..
Author Ashes_risen Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 Ashes, She has been sleeping with some other dude..Get rid of her and move on with your life.. I don't know if she was actually having an affair on me or not. It doesn't matter. I'm done with her. I only have to deal with her ass because of our kids. It still hurts and I wish I could get her the hell out of my life, but it's impossible because of my children. I just never thought she would have done this to me. She makes me sick. All I know is I'm not getting married again, I'm just going to go have a lot of sex thank you very much.
Steadfast Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 You went from being unsure and torn to very sure, very fast. Not wise. My advice is to slow down a little. Your wife and people in general are not perfect. No question she made mistakes, as did you. We all have. But (big but...) if she's telling you the truth, didn't cheat and truly misses and/or loves you, then shuck off the advice to immediately 'dump her azz' and start 'sniffin' 'round for new cooter.' The character flaws found in today's entitled, run on emotion women run deep and wide. They're everywhere. But they aren't your children's mother. At least the ones you already have. I'd insist on counseling, and also insist that you be allowed to continue your training. Get to the bottom of the OM, her expectations and yours, then see where you stand. At the very least, give the panty-hunt talk a rest and focus on the children. In other words, act like a grown up. There is no rush. These decisions are impactful. Choose wisely.
Recommended Posts