Girlfriend is very cautious

[Thebob]

So I recently became official with this girl I met, but ever since then she has brought up stories about her family that are kinda messed up and what she has done in the past. She gets worried that I will tell other people and she threatened me that she would never talk to me again if I told any of them to anyone. I got in her face about it that if she is so worried about it, then don't tell me. I don't want you constantly telling me that your not sure if you can trust me but your officially dating me right now. After that she apologized and was worried that she was going to push me away cause she likes me a lot. She pretty much feels that any one guy that she trusts ends up being a jerk and ditches her and hurts her and doesn't want me to do that. But it's giving me some second thoughts about the whole thing because she seems so insecure about things within her life. I pretty much told her that whatever happened in the past happened, I didn't know you before a month in a half ago and I feel that I can't judge anyone if I didn't know them. You made your decisions for a reason and too many people judge others even tho everyone makes mistakes. She was happy that I said that, but I'm gettin kinda tired when she threatens me about stuff like that cause its absolutely stupid. Why tell me in the first place? then threaten not to talk to me if I tell anyone? I don't get girls. She is an absolute sweetheart, not 100% my type since i normally go for 8's-10's and not 6.5s but I was willing to change my ways and try to get a girl with personality.

 

Thebob

[nikayla]

She is an absolute sweetheart, not 100% my type since i normally go for 8's-10's and not 6.5s but I was willing to change my ways and try to get a girl with personality.

 

I hope she doesn't read LS, LOL. People who have been hurt in the past are often afraid to commit or trust, even when they are in a relationship with a total sweetheart. Take things slow and allow her to progressively gain your trust. Her wishy-washy attitude may seem frustrating, but it will disappear over time. Just look at it as a test, if you will.

[Thebob]

Nah I doubt she will, since she doesn't have internet atm and I have to go to a cafe to go online since were out in the middle of the boondocks kinda. But why would she be testing me? that is just stupid lol

 

Thebob

[Feelin Frisky]

Run. I can see the syndrome and have been through it. Other guys always turn out to be jerks and dump her. It's never ever any part of her doing. She's insecure to a fault and threatens you as if she does nothing wrong and anything she misinterprets through her veil of insecurity will be totally your fault. She's always innocent and never brings her problems upon herself.

 

You will find with this person an impossibility to earn trust. And though you'll know that you've done way enough to deserve some credit, you won't get any. From what you said I would say she has a "complex"--something so illogical that anyone short of a PHD psychoanalyst would have to just chalk it up to the word complex. In my case I had the same thing with someone who seemed like everything I wanted but she was divorced already at 23. According to her, her husband just up and dumped her with no one else on the horizon. I thought "what a terrible jackazz". I met her two years later when she was 25 and me 32. After about a month I said something she misinterpretted and she all but turned into another person. After two years I gave up on her too and realized why this young man she was married to was willing to suffer the embarassment of having a five star wedding and buying this big rock only to escape it all and have to live with all his family's private jusdgements for the rest of his life. He probably got it that if he wanted to stay sane, he'd have to get out of her messy and crushing flypaper clutches. So did I.

[Ilovehim]

So I recently became official with this girl I met, but ever since then she has brought up stories about her family that are kinda messed up and what she has done in the past. She gets worried that I will tell other people and she threatened me that she would never talk to me again if I told any of them to anyone. I got in her face about it that if she is so worried about it, then don't tell me. I don't want you constantly telling me that your not sure if you can trust me but your officially dating me right now. After that she apologized and was worried that she was going to push me away cause she likes me a lot. She pretty much feels that any one guy that she trusts ends up being a jerk and ditches her and hurts her and doesn't want me to do that. But it's giving me some second thoughts about the whole thing because she seems so insecure about things within her life. I pretty much told her that whatever happened in the past happened, I didn't know you before a month in a half ago and I feel that I can't judge anyone if I didn't know them. You made your decisions for a reason and too many people judge others even tho everyone makes mistakes. She was happy that I said that, but I'm gettin kinda tired when she threatens me about stuff like that cause its absolutely stupid. Why tell me in the first place? then threaten not to talk to me if I tell anyone? I don't get girls. She is an absolute sweetheart, not 100% my type since i normally go for 8's-10's and not 6.5s but I was willing to change my ways and try to get a girl with personality.

 

Thebob

 

 

 

grow up. if you can't realize what is wrong with that statement than you truly are a little boy. first) why are you with someone who you dont find attracive? most guys i know, including my boyfriend, are always saying how lucky they are to have such amazing beautiful girlfriends. Look at what you are saying about her. DO NOT be with someone whom you don't find attractive. Girls want guys to treasure them, to care about them, to love them for who they are and ALSO to desire them physically and find them beautiful. That statement was just wrong.

 

 

I'm pretty sure every girl would be upset if she thought her boyfriend thought of her as a 6.5. I'm sure your girlfriend must not find you that attractive either, because she doesnt seem to be that much into you, seeing how much she doesnt trust you.

 

 

*rolls eyes*

Edited July 28, 2010 by Ilovehim

[that girl]

she has brought up stories about her family that are kinda messed up and what she has done in the past. She gets worried that I will tell other people and she threatened me that she would never talk to me again if I told any of them to anyone.

I don't know what the stories are like, but this doesn't strike me as out of line. There are lots of things someone might tell a boyfriend/girlfriend and expect them to keep it private. I think the threat is a bit much, but it isn't unusual to swear someone to secrecy.

 

The dynamic seems off to me. I think most people's reaction to this situation would be to reassure the other person, not get up in their face.

 

She is an absolute sweetheart, not 100% my type since i normally go for 8's-10's and not 6.5s but I was willing to change my ways and try to get a girl with personality.

 

You aren't doing her any favors by "settling" and dating a 6.5.

[zengirl]

She is an absolute sweetheart, not 100% my type since i normally go for 8's-10's and not 6.5s but I was willing to change my ways and try to get a girl with personality.

 

Uh. . . any guy who's actively measuring their girlfriend on a number scale just shouldn't have one. That's my view.

[Diezel]

Uh. . . any guy who's actively measuring their girlfriend on a number scale just shouldn't have one. That's my view.

 

Honey, wake up, ALL men subconsciously judge their girlfriend on a number scale at SOME point of their lives. Just as women find a guy "cute", "hot", "attractive", or "effable".

 

 

 

 

And as far as the OP is concerned, do yourself a favor and dump her. You've barely started out together and not only is she NOT your type, but she's already threatened you. The relationship is a joke and stop getting involved with women who just "don't do it for you"... and I'm sorry but there are plenty of 8's and 9's with personalities.

[zengirl]

Honey, wake up, ALL men subconsciously judge their girlfriend on a number scale at SOME point of their lives. Just as women find a guy "cute", "hot", "attractive", or "effable".

Subconsciously is different from doing it consciously and even in writing on a message board. Subconsciously implies below a conscious level. I'm not convinced all guys use the number scale as grown adults and certainly nobody on a message board like that is going to convince me all guys are that lame. No idea how old the OP is.

[D. It Is Written]

She is an absolute sweetheart, not 100% my type since i normally go for 8's-10's and not 6.5s but I was willing to change my ways and try to get a girl with personality.

 

Uhhh... I feel really sorry for this girl. One man's 6.5 is another man's 10. You should break up with her so she can find someone that actually likes her.

[Diezel]

Subconsciously is different from doing it consciously and even in writing on a message board. Subconsciously implies below a conscious level. I'm not convinced all guys use the number scale as grown adults and certainly nobody on a message board like that is going to convince me all guys are that lame. No idea how old the OP is.

 

Touche.

Although my girlfriend is a 9.

[Thebob]

I never said I didn't like her, ive dated so many girls that are 8's and 9's that turn out to be bimbo's and only think about themselves. Just like she dated a lot of jerks and she finally wanted to find someone who was sweet to her and not a total pushover such as myself. I wanted to change and find a girl who likes me for me and has a personality to boot who appreciates life and herself and others. I guess I could have been a little harsh on the numbers scale, but you see a lot of attractive guys date girls that you think he shouldn't be dating. This girl is a sweetheart but she has since apologized and told me that it was unfair for what she did and is starting to fall for me since she isn't used to dating a guy like me. I feel a lot of the accusations of me on this post are wrong, and there is nothing wrong with me when you see gorgeous women around you that are 9s and 10s but your absolutely happy to be with someone who has a personality and is always by your side when you wake up in the morning even if they aren't the most gorgeous person in the world. And when you become official with someone you just don't dump them for a stupid reason like looks, you try and work at it and it if doesn't work out in the long run then at least you know you tried. Some posters on this forum I feel just give up to quickly and don't even try to make a relationship work when there are some bumps in the road. Every relationship has them and couples need to work things out.

[FL Lady]

Nah I doubt she will, since she doesn't have internet atm and I have to go to a cafe to go online since were out in the middle of the boondocks kinda. But why would she be testing me? that is just stupid lol

 

Thebob

 

 

I'm curious---,Thebob, what do you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10? 6.5?

[FL Lady]

Nah I doubt she will, since she doesn't have internet atm and I have to go to a cafe to go online since were out in the middle of the boondocks kinda. But why would she be testing me? that is just stupid lol

 

Thebob

 

 

I'm curious---,Thebob, what do you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10? 6.5?

 

I'm not being critical by the way, I understand rating scales.

[Thebob]

I been told by my guy friends when they see me dressed up with my hair styled and my family and they all rate me as a 8.5-9. I'm 6 foot dark haired, fairly skinny with a 6 pack, but I don't look exactly like a pushover skinny wise. I kinda look like Adrian Brody to an extent from "The Pianist". I normally get eyed by girls at the bar and they normally want me to initiate conversations with them. So I have a fair self esteem, but I get looks from girls when they see me with my girlfriend as if there jealous or cant believe that I am dating a girl.

[FL Lady]

I been told by my guy friends when they see me dressed up with my hair styled and my family and they all rate me as a 8.5-9. I'm 6 foot dark haired, fairly skinny with a 6 pack, but I don't look exactly like a pushover skinny wise. I kinda look like Adrian Brody to an extent from "The Pianist". I normally get eyed by girls at the bar and they normally want me to initiate conversations with them. So I have a fair self esteem, but I get looks from girls when they see me with my girlfriend as if there jealous or cant believe that I am dating a girl.

 

Ok - then if that's the case, you have a problem. I think (IMHO) you should get with someone with a similar rating. After the lusty obsessive love part drifts on, you still need the sexual attraction. I would rate myself (again, IMHO) as an 8. My ex was a 5/6 and it just didn't work.

[FL Lady]

Ok - then if that's the case, you have a problem. I think (IMHO) you should get with someone with a similar rating. After the lusty obsessive love part drifts on, you still need the sexual attraction. I would rate myself (again, IMHO) as an 8. My ex was a 5/6 and it just didn't work.

 

For the record, I am told I look like a young & fit Susan Sarandon. Not sure if that is a compliment since I totally disagree with her politics. But guys do hit on me a lot. Not the 10's, but the 7s, 8's, and rarely 9's. But that's ok.

[meerkat stew]

Try to ignore the harpy coven here, who have all rated men in tangible and intangible ways their entire lives just as men do women, (and if they say they haven't they are liars). They aren't here to help you.

 

The big red flag I see here is her lack of boundaries in revealing way TMI too early in a brand new relationship. People who do this sort of thing aren't usually doing it for the first time. It is a manipulation habit used to trigger a "white knight" response in you, to get you in a "savior" mode. Odds are it's a bad habit she has fallen into whenever she starts dating someone new. At worst, it's a sign of a personality disorder, but nothing else you type leads in that direction.

 

So, you handled it very well, nipped it in the bud without being insensitive, but let her know this kind of "revealing/mistrusting" cycle was not acceptable. Sounds great so far.

 

However, your last paragraph seems to imply that she is continuing the behavior? or am I reading wrong? More detail needed.

 

And on a general note, why are you allowing yourself to be someone's emotional dumping ground only a month and a half in? regardless of her behavior, you have some accountability in allowing the conversations to go there in the first place. Steer discussions away from serious trouble-laden topics early on and just enjoy the things you like about each other. She can't even go there if you aren't complicit in having these deep, heavy conversations so early. They cause needless angst and stress in the relationship. If she is worth being with, she won't need extra drama added into your young relationship, life and getting to know each other over time will provide all the drama that is needed for healthy people.

 

You should build trust in each other based on your behaviors towards each other over time, not shared secrets and confidences.

[Thebob]

No she has been good about it since our conversation since I told her that she needs to stop. I am a different guy and you need to understand that. I don't let girls dump emotional baggage on me without me telling them whats up. I roll alpha and nothing else. If they don't like it then they can lay there emotional drama on someone else. But since our conversation she has been a great girlfriend, not annoying, we cook dinner together, shop, and we never get in to any bickering wars. She has had bad relationships which has put her in a little slump but im working on it with her and i'm willing to help her out with it if she is open minded about it which I think she is. I am proving to her that I am not like her previous guys and she is starting to realize that. So thanks for the help guys, I was just in a little rough patch in the beginning because this is my first official girlfriend and I don't want my first to have absolute trust issues with me from the get-go. Thanks all

[Lovelybird]

Try to ignore the harpy coven here, who have all rated men in tangible and intangible ways their entire lives just as men do women, (and if they say they haven't they are liars). They aren't here to help you.

 

The big red flag I see here is her lack of boundaries in revealing way TMI too early in a brand new relationship. People who do this sort of thing aren't usually doing it for the first time. It is a manipulation habit used to trigger a "white knight" response in you, to get you in a "savior" mode. Odds are it's a bad habit she has fallen into whenever she starts dating someone new. At worst, it's a sign of a personality disorder, but nothing else you type leads in that direction.

Interesting post. I know it is not good to expose something very vulnerable too early on. Sounds like too much risk. But shouldn't that what a relationship be like? somebody has to risk, otherwise the relationship won't really move forward?

[SassyKitten]

Look, as someone who has just been dumped because she shared something with her boyfriend that wasn't her fault, you have 2 choices. You can either have her back, which is what she is really trying to get you to do, or you can run away, naive and scared, accusing her of "dumping emotional baggage". Having her back doesn't mean being her therapist, having her back means giving her a hug when she's had a bad day.

 

People are human, people have been through ****, and you should feel honored that she opened up to you in the way in which she did. Unless she told you that she's out of prison on parole, or something else that actually is her fault, then who are you to hold it against her?

 

And if you aren't equipped, do her a favor and use a line that goes something like "I wish you luck, but I'm not what you need in order to grow past what you have been through." DON'T pretend that you have gotten back together with an ex!

 

I have just been through this, and the way in which he dumped me made me feel like the wounds from my childhood were fresh all over again, and they still feel extremely fresh. And I have a final exam to study for, and I have spent the last week crying thinking that he dumped me as punishment for something that was done TO ME.

 

Seriously, the way society makes men repress emotions makes them horrible partners to women who haven't had a perfect life.

[alexlakeman]

CLIFF's NOTES??? OP, so did you bang her? What's the problem, in one or two sentences? LOL

[Thebob]

Of course I banged her, over 100 times at least. She is fabulous in bed and so am I, so everything is good and we have been spending a lot of time together. Thanks for the insight, and for the info. We just had a kinda rough patch in the beginning but everything seems to be good now. I'm takin it slow and we'll see where it goes.

 

Thebob