dd9 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 After some very serious discussions I find myself at a decision point in my marriage. Ultimately we both agree that if we were to continue on without making changes - we would both continue to be upset, so there would have to be changes made. The problem is I don't know if I have faith that these changes can be made. It's difficult for me because I know my faults lie in my ability to avoid conflict and be passive aggressive in attempts to not rock the boat too much, and her faults lie in her ability to be overly aggressive to throw off any direct confrontation. You can imagine what our fights look like. Is this a personality conflict? We both want to be better people but is this just how someone is? I mean there are of course other issues, but right now I'm struggling on this point of how can I believe someone wants to change, and how can I trust that they will? How did any of you know whether your partner would change or not? I know the old addage is you can't change someone, so you shouldn't bank on it - but what if they really want to change for themselves? On the one hand, I want to stay because I believe in her, but on the other - I can't bear to spend another year of my life waiting for a change that may never happen.
HopelessinDTW Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 After some very serious discussions I find myself at a decision point in my marriage. Ultimately we both agree that if we were to continue on without making changes - we would both continue to be upset, so there would have to be changes made. The problem is I don't know if I have faith that these changes can be made. It's difficult for me because I know my faults lie in my ability to avoid conflict and be passive aggressive in attempts to not rock the boat too much, and her faults lie in her ability to be overly aggressive to throw off any direct confrontation. You can imagine what our fights look like. Is this a personality conflict? We both want to be better people but is this just how someone is? I mean there are of course other issues, but right now I'm struggling on this point of how can I believe someone wants to change, and how can I trust that they will? How did any of you know whether your partner would change or not? I know the old addage is you can't change someone, so you shouldn't bank on it - but what if they really want to change for themselves? On the one hand, I want to stay because I believe in her, but on the other - I can't bear to spend another year of my life waiting for a change that may never happen. You need to go to a marriage councelor. This person will act as a neutral party to help you both to communicate. the MC will also help each of you to understand what the other person in SAYING. I didn't have this opportunity, you hopefully do. So take advantage of it!
Author dd9 Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 You need to go to a marriage councelor. This person will act as a neutral party to help you both to communicate. the MC will also help each of you to understand what the other person in SAYING. I didn't have this opportunity, you hopefully do. So take advantage of it! I don't necessarily want to go to MC if I don't believe things will change - that sounds like a waste of money (which I don't have an abundance of) and time. I'm more curious as to how others have dealt with promises of change from their spouses and how they knew or didn't know that those changes would come to fruition.
spriggig Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 You can't know if they will change, how long it will take, whether they'll change back or if they'll even change in a positive way. Promises are nothing. Past behavior is the best indication of future behavior, but people CAN change and do. In fact, change is the only constant. Have they made positive changes in their own life, for their own good before? Quit smoking, lost weight, gave up some other difficult bad habit and stuck with it? Maybe that would show some commitment.
Killashandra Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 you can't have them make changes the only thing you CAN do is make change for yourself. But often when you make a positive change they change as well. They will try and match you because they see the effort and so they make an effort. as i see it you are both most likely waiting for the other to make the first step. just make it. if you have feelings for them even if you don't think it's love anymore just try because sometimes the love is till there just covered up. think back to mor fun times. What did you do? try and add those to your life, real life can get in the way, don't let it. When you first together did you write each other notes? Text? Did it stop because you live together now and hey you see each other at the end of the day? start again. you're not happy being passive aggressive, think about it now, decide how you would like to react and practice it in your mind. Sounds strange but it works, you may slip up occassionally but not as often as you think. It can be done and you will find a positive response from her. If you start to settle a problem instead of avoid it, she'll most probably stop becoming so aggressive as she feels it is being dealt with. Change yourself and watch her follow suit.
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