mimidarlin Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 So the divorce has been final for two months. I'm in recovery and doing okay. Some moments are rough but mostly I'm fine. Mutual friends aren't really helping with the recovery though. On two different occasions I had mutual friends relay to me how he couldn't stop talking about me. How he felt like he had a hole in his heart. Damn it. He cheated. I wanted to reconcile but he didn't. He pushed for the divorce and pushed hard. Therapist asked if it didn't help to know I was a valued partner. Maybe. Is it better than him thinking I'm a b**** and he's well rid of me?
HopelessinDTW Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 So the divorce has been final for two months. I'm in recovery and doing okay. Some moments are rough but mostly I'm fine. Mutual friends aren't really helping with the recovery though. On two different occasions I had mutual friends relay to me how he couldn't stop talking about me. How he felt like he had a hole in his heart. Damn it. He cheated. I wanted to reconcile but he didn't. He pushed for the divorce and pushed hard. Therapist asked if it didn't help to know I was a valued partner. Maybe. Is it better than him thinking I'm a b**** and he's well rid of me? I am not at the stage that you are, but I think I know how you feel. But here's the real question...why the hell do you care about what the f**k he thinks!!! That bastard cheated on you while you were trying to salvage your marriage. You need to tell your mutual friends to not relay any messages between the two of you, if not stop talking with them!! If there are no kids, then even easier to completely detach from this scum of the earth. let him feel guilty, let him suffer with the decisions he has made. YOU move on with YOUR life...he's not your problem any longer. I've been separated now for two months, and haven't spoken a word with my stbx for over a month (execpt e-mails regarding kids)...and I feel a lot better knowing that my silence, my indifference is killing her on the inside, and making me further detached from her madness! this is what you need to work towards, and beleive me it's HARD. But you will feel better eventually. Good luck!
Author mimidarlin Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Hopeless, You made me giggle. I don't really care what he thinks. The friends weren't relaying a message really. At least I don't think he asked them to pass it on. Many of them think we should never have split and this might be their way of saying there might be hope. Well, I can't begin to imagine what he could do to make me consider taking him back at this point. That would be f***ing ridiculous. Maybe they're just trying to share that he regrets his choice. We still do talk some but it's very limited. There are no kids but I was married to him for fifteen years. I love him and love his family. I find it difficult to just turn my back on that but it doesn't mean I'll let myself be used. Just an aside. He made a comment about not minding if I kept his last name. I said "you don't mind?...you don't get and f***ing opinion." Maybe I'll change it eventually but I was going on a trip and had a new passport. It's a pain to change everything.
trippi1432 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Just an aside. He made a comment about not minding if I kept his last name. I said "you don't mind?...you don't get and f***ing opinion." Maybe I'll change it eventually but I was going on a trip and had a new passport. It's a pain to change everything. You said that right!! It's a royal pain the A** to have to do the name change thing...my email at work still has my previous name as the account owner but my email is still my married name. I don't plan on changing it. My ex and I are still very LC since we have to exchange some info due to our son, but he has actually been respectful since around March. I have had to hang up on him once back in June due to the irritability in his voice. He quit his job and was worried....guess he thought I could be the punching bag. I did get a phone call today from him, discussing DS's open house at a new school...something I stated I wanted to go to. I've ALWAYS done the open house....had to make him go half the time. I let him know that I was going and I did not want to see "HER" there....this is our son....not her son. He started to say something about she wanted to see about something at the school and I cut him off....stood my ground. "She just had a son finish up at that school, she doesn't need to see anything there...and if she does, she has another son who will be going there next year. She can go to that open house." It was all just matter a fact and even toned, surprisingly he said he understood and she wouldn't be there. Of course, I'm not an idiot and I know that she will at least be in the parking lot or DS will have to go to the open house at two different time slots. My ex isn't allowed to be around me without her being around. How's that for being insecure. :rolleyes:
habs53 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Its normal for most of them to have regrets once you moved on. Statistics dont lie. Tuff luck for them. Have fun living a crappy life.
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 So the divorce has been final for two months. I'm in recovery and doing okay. Some moments are rough but mostly I'm fine. Mutual friends aren't really helping with the recovery though. On two different occasions I had mutual friends relay to me how he couldn't stop talking about me. How he felt like he had a hole in his heart. Damn it. He cheated. I wanted to reconcile but he didn't. He pushed for the divorce and pushed hard. Therapist asked if it didn't help to know I was a valued partner. Maybe. Is it better than him thinking I'm a b**** and he's well rid of me? Ask your mutual friends to STOP talking about him to you and to please not discuss you to him. I'm sure they mean well, but don't realize that it's having a negative affect on you. If they are true friends, they'll stay out of it and respect your wishes, leave it alone and focus on other parts of the friendship.
LittleTiger Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Good to hear from you mimi, it's been a while. Glad to hear you're doing okay. Personally, I do think it's better that he misses what you had together and feels that sense of loss that he brought on himself. Rather that than be in some of the situations we read about on here, with both parties at each other's throats. I think it's natural for the walk away partner to have some regrets. It doesn't sound as though he intended for you to hear about it, so it's probably not a deliberate ploy to tug at your heartstrings when you're doing so well in recovery. It must be very confusing to hear something like that though, considering how keen he was to be free in the first place. As you say, what could he possibly do now to make up for what he put you through? I think I'm lucky that, despite our continued friendship, my ex has made it clear he has no regrets about our split and, in a sense, that does make it easier to move on without looking back. I agree with whichwayisup that it may help to ask mutual friends not to pass on this kind of information. I'm sure they said it with the intention of making you feel better and just didn't realise it would have the opposite effect.
You Go Girl Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Watch these mutual friends. I'm sorry to be negative here, but I'm going to lay it out as I see it. I have a dear friend who was very close to my ex and she just couldn't help herself from sharing little tidbits all the time about his new life, what he said about me, what his new wife said about me, yadda yadda. I think these people are not as innocent as they seem. Really, some of them are just dying to share gossip with you just to see how you will react. Some people are meddlers, busy bodies. They may have sweet hearts in many situations, but there's a little red devil on their shoulders telling them to share some news and watch the fallout. I'd go as far as to say that they can't help themselves, but I know better.
trippi1432 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Watch these mutual friends. I'm sorry to be negative here, but I'm going to lay it out as I see it. I have a dear friend who was very close to my ex and she just couldn't help herself from sharing little tidbits all the time about his new life, what he said about me, what his new wife said about me, yadda yadda. I think these people are not as innocent as they seem. Really, some of them are just dying to share gossip with you just to see how you will react. Some people are meddlers, busy bodies. They may have sweet hearts in many situations, but there's a little red devil on their shoulders telling them to share some news and watch the fallout. I'd go as far as to say that they can't help themselves, but I know better. YGG, glad to see your back!! Hugs!! You are so right on this....only believe half of what you hear and all of what you see...that's the rule. My ex's family, as much as I miss them sometimes, were the biggest gossipers. It was nothing to hear about our own lives from five states away...and you can imagine how the story blew out of proportion by then. Same thing with mutual friends Mimi...don't sweat the small stuff.
You Go Girl Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 YGG, glad to see your back!! Hugs!! Glad to see you too! Hugs backatcha! Temporarily out of hiding.
phineas Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Do these people even know he cheated on you? seriously. My wife cheated. She took my desire to fix the marriage & used it to use & manipulate me. If I even considered taking her back there would be a line out side my door extending around the corner of friends & family looking to knock some sence into me. Litterally. LOL! I hope she drops my name. She doesn't deserve it.
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