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A huge mess

noelle303

By noelle303
in The Other Man / Woman

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califnan Established Member

califnan

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Maybe the option for you, but it's Noelle's body and she needs to figure out what is best for her. She is the one who would have to carry a child for nine months and turn it over to someone else to raise if she chooses adoption. You say it like it's so easy. Have you given up a child for adoption? I haven't but, IMO it would be a very difficult thing to do.

 

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HN, I haven't given a baby up for adoption .. and wouldn't .. I would raise my baby proudly .. not matter the circumstances ..

herenow Established Member

herenow

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My mother did, and I am so grateful. Herenow, they are two separate people...the baby with his/her own body dependant on the mother for survival.

 

Depends on your views. I respect what you are saying, but Noelle has to do what is right for her.

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noelle303 Established Member

noelle303

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No. It is your world. Like I said before, he is also part of the dilemma and should be informed. Should he be part of what you decide? Uummm... from your own post, it seems like you are hoping that he chooses to be part of it rather than doing what is right for you. You may be setting yourself up for disappointment here.

 

What does being "on board" mean to you?

Child support & last name?

You continue to lead an A with him + child?

Him leaving his W & kids to be with you?

 

I hope you realize that his W wont exactly want to throw a baby shower for you. :o

 

 

Clearly, if he says that he would pay child support, that he would help me out if I needed something would affect my decision.

 

If he said that he would leave her, it would affect my decision.

 

If he says he won't have anything to do with this, it would affect my decision.

 

And no... I will not carry on an affair with him no matter what I choose to do in this situation.

califnan Established Member

califnan

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It appears that the quotation system is off this morning .. The wrong names are displayed in the quotation areas ..

 

It happens from time to time.. So know these latter quotes are not representative of those posters..

Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

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Yes, I am 50% to blame in this situation. I won't even try to defend that. But as I said, it's too late for the ''could've, would've, should've' now. I, in no way, did predict this current predicament I am in.

 

But I am not alone in it. He is too. I refuse to take on 100% of the blame here.

I have no idea what I want to do, as per your advice I'm going to take some time for myself to recover and straighten myself up a bit. But then I'm going to tell him.

I want to know how he feels about participating in any way because I know that if I make a decision to terminate I would always wonder if maybe he would have been on board. And only after I know his answer I think I will be able to decide for myself.

Does that sound unreasonable?

 

No, it doesn't sound unreasonable at all. Noelle, from your posts here you sound very level-headed and mature. Much more so than many 20 years olds. I am confident you will make the right decision for you.:)

 

I only added the 50% blame comment in my earlier posts because some were either only blaming you or the MM.

 

Just don't base your decision on what your MM does or doesn't do. It's up to you. Good luck!

herenow Established Member

herenow

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It's a great thing, adoption. But I don't know whether I want to go through a pregnancy. It will affect my studies, it will affect my job etc.

 

I really don't know guys...

 

Exactly Noelle. People throw out adoption like is such and easy solution. You are the one who has to carry that baby. I'm sure abortion has it's own emotional turmoil attached to it. Fact is, you have options and it's your body so only you can decide how to deal with your pregnancy.

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

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Noelle, dont let a bunch of stranger (including me) who don't know you from ADAM, to make a choice for you.

Go with what's in your heart and whatever choice you make, it's neither right nor wrong, but what is best for you.

 

Don't think about this married guy. We are 100% responsible for ourselves.

califnan Established Member

califnan

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Just don't base your decision on what your MM does or doesn't do. It's up to you. Good luck!

 

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Noelle, I agree with the above.. It is you and the baby .. Not an irresponsible MM in the equation..

sweetjasmine Established Member

sweetjasmine

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But I am not alone in it. He is too. I refuse to take on 100% of the blame here.

 

But there's a very good chance you'll end up with 100% of the responsibility. Do you think you can handle that?

herenow Established Member

herenow

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Clearly, if he says that he would pay child support, that he would help me out if I needed something would affect my decision.

 

If he said that he would leave her, it would affect my decision.

 

If he says he won't have anything to do with this, it would affect my decision.

 

And no... I will not carry on an affair with him no matter what I choose to do in this situation.

 

And, would you trust that he would follow through with his promises?

 

Keep in mind that right now, you are in charge of your body and the pregnancy. Once that baby is born, you will be attached to the MM for the rest of your life. He will always be the father. You never know what will happen. There have been stories on LS about an OW who had a baby and the MM and his wife filed for full custody claiming that the mother was unfit.

califnan Established Member

califnan

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Exactly Noelle. People throw out adoption like is such and easy solution. You are the one who has to carry that baby. I'm sure abortion has it's own emotional turmoil attached to it. Fact is, you have options and it's your body so only you can decide how to deal with your pregnancy.

 

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"Emotional turmoil" that's a good one..

BellaBellaBella Established Member

BellaBellaBella

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Both my children are adopted. They were told from the beginning that their BM was to young to keep them and she loved them enough to find them the right family. Both my children are very well adjusted to the concept and have explained it at school. We offered open adoption in both cases, and both decided only to go with pictures. We do have pictures of the birth parents for them. Son keeps his in a frame by his bed. Both are very bonded to us.

 

One birthmother backed out on us at the last minute. I was sad, but for me it was okay. I wanted her to do what was right for her.

 

On the other hand I have supported my niece through a teen pregnancy and friends through single pregnancy. It is all a choice to make.

 

I think getting some counseling on your own, then telling him then going back to couseling even with him might be the best idea.

Mimolicious Established Member

Mimolicious

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Clearly, that won't be happening again. I was upset.

 

It never happened before and it will not happen again.

 

You know... in 5 months he carried on an affair, got the girl pregnant so ONE inconveniant phone call is what I call getting off pretty easy. Certainly compared to me.

 

Uum... Hone, take some responsability here and don;t be bratty about it. The BOTH of you carried an A. You own your body and I understand that this was a BC oopsie type thing but let's not place the all blame on your MM. You think this guy is "gettign off pretty easy" compared to you?

 

Let's flip the tables for a minute. You have options. You can be pregnant today and not tomorrow (sorry to be blunt about it) keep it moving and never hear from this man again. Now, let's see what happens to prince charming if he is exposed. Remember, this doesn't only involve you and now your pregnancy. This involves him, his W, his kids, the puppy, HIS AND YOUR EMPLOYMENT! Since he is a client of yours.

 

Yes, too late to consider those things but neither one of you really cared about them when you were in between the sheets.

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

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Clearly, that won't be happening again. I was upset.

 

It never happened before and it will not happen again.

 

You know... in 5 months he carried on an affair, got the girl pregnant so ONE inconveniant phone call is what I call getting off pretty easy. Certainly compared to me.

 

My kids have two separate fathers...they weren't there while I was M'ed to them they had A's and I left them, they never paid any child support and RARELY ever saw their kids.

 

Being M'ed to the fathers doesn't mean the fathers will be in the kids lives...BUT I was and I supported my kids and they had everything they needed and still do and my grandkids are well taken care of.

 

I never depended on a man because either I subconsciencly chose wrong men or I just got screwed every time...who knows. I did it all on my own...my parents helped, mainly my dad, although not that much, at least not like I do with my kids.

 

Everything turned out ok, finances were difficult at times and others we were all eating lobster:D. The rough times were good because it taught me how to handle finances...and now I have plenty due to that...it doesn't take a lot for me to be very comfortable:D...God provided all the way, and He will for you too:D

Mimolicious Established Member

Mimolicious

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You're right, when someone is 40 and the other person is 50.

But the ages of 20 and 30 are a HUGE difference.

 

But then again, younger people of today are nowhere near as grown up as the 20 and 30 ys olds of 20-30 yrs ago.

 

Of couse not! The 30's is the new 20's. So that must make the 20's the new 10's. :rolleyes:

califnan Established Member

califnan

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And, would you trust that he would follow through with his promises?

 

Keep in mind that right now, you are in charge of your body and the pregnancy. Once that baby is born, you will be attached to the MM for the rest of your life. He will always be the father. You never know what will happen. There have been stories on LS about an OW who had a baby and the MM and his wife filed for full custody claiming that the mother was unfit.

 

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My God .. HN, Do you work for an abortion clinic???

herenow Established Member

herenow

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"Emotional turmoil" that's a good one..

 

I'm sorry, are you being sarcastic? I can't tell. I was being serious. Noelle has a difficult choice to make.

lolapalooza Established Member

lolapalooza

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These statements will probably be controversial, but some things to think about.

 

Don't kid yourself and think that you can tell MM that you are pregnant and he's going to be beside himself happy. He will most likely not only ask you to get an abortion, he will most likely demand that you do. No I don't know the guy, but 5 months of screwing does not a relationship make. He already has a wife and kids. He probably doesn't want another one. If he did, he would have divorced his wife and courted you properly.

 

It's your body. You are under no obligation to tell him. In the state I live in, the father does not have to sign off on an abortion. I don't know of a state that does. Keep that in mind because it's looking like the only reason you want to tell him is to make sure he's not going to beg you to keep it. He doesn't have to carry the baby to term, nor does he have to raise it. He has two of his own to raise, and you can see how seriously he takes that. What you do with your body is your decision, not his.

 

Now, as a parent. Once I have raised my daughters, I'm done. I'm not willing to raise their children for them. If they get into trouble, they are on their own. My job as a grandma is to dote on them, to spoil them, to teach them bad habits that will annoy their mothers, and to then to send them home. Think carefuly about how much support you will need from your parents if you decide to have this baby. They may not be as mean as I am, but I really doubt they will be excited about being grandparents right now.

 

Good luck. This is a serious lesson and a hard one to learn.

Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

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You're right, when someone is 40 and the other person is 50.

But the ages of 20 and 30 are a HUGE difference.

 

But then again, younger people of today are nowhere near as grown up as the 20 and 30 ys olds of 20-30 yrs ago.

 

Maybe, maybe not.

 

But Noelle and her MM are both adults who made this decision...this is not a case of a lecherous old man who preyed on a young girl. Both are to blame for this situation 50/50 but unfortunately, Noelle gets left holding the bag in this situation.

 

But that isn't the point of Noelle's posts here either.

BellaBellaBella Established Member

BellaBellaBella

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Hey I don't think adoption is easy on the birth parents. I also don't think abortion is easy on the person having it. I support both options. I think it is an individual choice. However, laying all the choices out are the right thing to do.

 

I don't think bashing Noelle is the answer either.

 

I do think getting some neutral help could be in her and the child's best interest and even his.

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

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Noelle, dont let a bunch of stranger (including me) who don't know you from ADAM, to make a choice for you.

Go with what's in your heart and whatever choice you make, it's neither right nor wrong, but what is best for you.

 

Don't think about this married guy. We are 100% responsible for ourselves.

 

I seriously doubt she will....I think she is looking for suggestions as most of us do;)

herenow Established Member

herenow

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My God .. HN, Do you work for an abortion clinic???

 

Is there something I said that wasn't correct? The truth is, he is the father. Once the child is born he has the right to be a father. What does that have to do with abortion? Just facts here. Something that Noelle should consider, along with everything else, to make the decision that is best for her.

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noelle303 Established Member

noelle303

Posted
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But there's a very good chance you'll end up with 100% of the responsibility. Do you think you can handle that?

 

I have NO idea tbh.

 

And, would you trust that he would follow through with his promises?

 

Keep in mind that right now, you are in charge of your body and the pregnancy. Once that baby is born, you will be attached to the MM for the rest of your life. He will always be the father. You never know what will happen. There have been stories on LS about an OW who had a baby and the MM and his wife filed for full custody claiming that the mother was unfit.

 

 

I don't know... yeah, thats a good point.

 

I still want to hear what he has to say before I can make the decision for myself. I mean... I wanna know whether I would be completely on my own, you know what I mean?

Mimolicious Established Member

Mimolicious

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Noelle, dont let a bunch of stranger (including me) who don't know you from ADAM, to make a choice for you.

Go with what's in your heart and whatever choice you make, it's neither right nor wrong, but what is best for you.

 

Don't think about this married guy. We are 100% responsible for ourselves.[/QUOTE]

 

Totally agree but it seems like his position will have a lot of impact on the decision making.

 

 

Clearly, if he says that he would pay child support, that he would help me out if I needed something would affect my decision.

 

If he said that he would leave her, it would affect my decision.

 

If he says he won't have anything to do with this, it would affect my decision.

 

And no... I will not carry on an affair with him no matter what I choose to do in this situation.

 

:o

herenow Established Member

herenow

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Hey I don't think adoption is easy on the birth parents. I also don't think abortion is easy on the person having it. I support both options. I think it is an individual choice. However, laying all the choices out are the right thing to do.

 

I don't think bashing Noelle is the answer either.

 

I do think getting some neutral help could be in her and the child's best interest and even his.

 

Agreed, difficult choices all around. The only person who can make the choice is Noelle. I think getting some therapy no matter what she chooses would be a good idea.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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