Jump to content

A huge mess

noelle303

By noelle303
in The Other Man / Woman

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

jj33 Established Member

jj33

Posted
Posted

And just to add:

 

You tell him, get him to pay for it (the least he can do) and then you kiss him good bye.

 

This in itself should be enough to let you know that the relationship has reached its sell by date.

 

Again sorry you are going through this.

 

Big hugs

jj33 Established Member

jj33

Posted
Posted

Thanks Herenow. I fully expect the wrath of God to fall on me in others posts for this one...

CrayonAngel Established Member

CrayonAngel

Posted
Posted

What do you want from this situation?

 

I had a child @ 18 with the man I am now married to. It was a huge change and it hasn't always been easy. I continued with my education and he is now 5 and light of our lives! You are going to make any situation just what you choose to make it. IT is YOUR CHOICE! not his. Please don't wait on him to tell you to get rid of it. This is your chance to reclaim your life.

Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted
This is a 20 yr old girl, lost pregnant and alone, lied to by an older guy who should know better, and this is all you can say? Can you say schadenfreude? Really not nice. She's barely more than a kid (sorry OP I don't mean that in a negative way). She was perfect bait for this guy - when she is older and wiser she will never fall for the type of crap that this guy pulled but until then why can't we all be a bit understanding and help her?

 

 

20 years old is not a child. She is old enough to know that any time you have sex that there could be unintended consequences.

 

Noelle, my heart does go out to you but you did get yourself into this situation. It's 50% your fault. Think long and hard about what you are going to do because depending on what you decide, this will affect you for the rest of your life. I wouldn't depend on the MM for much of anything. I say tell him, but don't expect miracles from him. And think about it, would you really want to have a child together with this man? He has already, in a sense, abandoned his first two children (and wife) to have fun with you.

YellowShark Established Member

YellowShark

Posted
Posted
This is a 20 yr old girl, lost pregnant and alone, lied to by an older guy who should know better, and this is all you can say? Can you say schadenfreude? Really not nice.

 

She is not "a child." She is a 20-year-old woman. And I am not engaged in schadenfreude. It amazes me that with all the news regarding Tiger Woods and Jesse James these days that ANYONE would hook up with cheating married man expecting a positive experience.

 

YellowShark we get it. She was dumb for sleeping with a mm, and was even dumber for using faulty birth control. She has admitted both, and is looking for support. Tough love is one thing, going on and on about how she screwed up to prove your point is another. And for the record, I am a BS.

 

I have never used the word "dumb." I never called her dumb. But I won't be one of those posters that blows smoke up her butt for the sake of support when she knewfrom square one that he was a married man who was cheating on his wife with her.

jj33 Established Member

jj33

Posted
Posted
What do you want from this situation?

 

I had a child @ 18 with the man I am now married to. It was a huge change and it hasn't always been easy. I continued with my education and he is now 5 and light of our lives! You are going to make any situation just what you choose to make it. IT is YOUR CHOICE! not his. Please don't wait on him to tell you to get rid of it. This is your chance to reclaim your life.

 

Your situation is much different. You married the man. She got knocked up by an old lechy sleezebag.

 

Big big difference

Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted
Your situation is much different. You married the man. She got knocked up by an old lechy sleezebag.

 

Big big difference

 

Having a child at a young age is difficult whether you are married or not so please don't discount Crayon's input.

 

According to Noelle's OP, the MM is 30, 10 years older than she is. Not that huge of an age difference, IMO.

califnan Established Member

califnan

Posted
Posted

 

having that child will be like wearing a scarlet "A" for the rest of your life.

 

QUOTE]

 

----------------------

 

Not so. This baby may be an interruption to your life .. But a true Blessing .... And yes adoption is the option ..

 

The MM can be told, but there are only two people in this - You and your baby ..

 

My grandson was born out of wedlock .. I have never known such a beautiful loving glowing bighearted child .. :love:

Hazyhead Established Member

Hazyhead

Posted
Posted

Noelle, I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in... it's an expensive lesson to learn. I agree with those that say you have to face the likelihood that if you choose to have this baby, you will be a single parent. It's a tough decision what to do... one of the toughest one could face, but it's your decision. You are aware of your options.

 

I say that if you are going to tell the guy you should make your choice first, so you are just informing him of what's to happen; he should NOT be a part of the decision making process because he will only put himself first and if by some small miracle he doesn't, he will not be someone you can rely on, due to what he'll have going on in his life.

 

What is your family support system like? It is a hard path, being a young parent, especially if you want to continue your studies... or if not, too. You will need plenty of people around you to keep you up.

 

Hon, think so very carefully. Keep posting here.

 

(((((((noelle)))))))

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted
20 years old is not a child. She is old enough to know that any time you have sex that there could be unintended consequences.

 

 

Totally agree Noelle, your not a child, and are about to make some decisions that will change your life forever...one is a possitive and one is a negative.

 

Being a parent...my daughter is unable in this day and hour to make it on her own and she has three kids...they are my life...I don't mind helping at all, they can have all my money:), or whatever it is they need.

 

I am taking care of my granddaughter today as she has a summer cold, and I'm watching her sleep right now, she is sooooo precious.

 

My daughter had my first grandchild at 18, he's 7 now and extremely intelligent...I'd like to say it's all been the ideal sitch...there have been rough times, although when you look at those little faces:):):)

herenow Established Member

herenow

Posted
Posted

 

having that child will be like wearing a scarlet "A" for the rest of your life.

 

QUOTE]

 

----------------------

 

Not so. This baby may be an interruption to your life .. But a true Blessing .... And yes adoption is the option ..

 

Maybe the option for you, but it's Noelle's body and she needs to figure out what is best for her. She is the one who would have to carry a child for nine months and turn it over to someone else to raise if she chooses adoption. You say it like it's so easy. Have you given up a child for adoption? I haven't but, IMO it would be a very difficult thing to do.

Mimolicious Established Member

Mimolicious

Posted
Posted

Whoa! Welcome to LS!

 

Ok, let's see... what is done is done. Now you have to deal with the aftermath of a "mistake" and think of which is the best option for you.

 

To be honest, it is quiet disturbing that you got drunk, spazzed out and called his home. Let's say you do go through with this pregnancy and he decides that he is not going to be a part of it, is this going to trigger you into more calling and causing drama? I mean, if you have this baby and he is the dad, there is always Family Court to get proper financial assistance. No getting out of that. If things that he said didn't indicate that he was very "happy" at home, watch what happens now.

 

I agree with Hereandnow- he didn't lie to you and told you he was single. You were fully aware of his situation.

 

As per a R with him? Doubt it. BTW, this is his child, so yes you would have to inform him that you are pregnant if you decide to go through with it. If you dont go through with the pregnancy, move on and leave this MM in the past.

 

Crayon- was your H a MM then, when you got pregnant? Let's not mislead this young girl. At 20, with no degree and a 'love child', is no sprinkles, rainbows and unicorns.

 

Yeah, I know condoms were to be used but I didn't believe this man to have AIDS or anything and I was on birth control for a loooong time and it always protected me from pregnancy.

 

:eek:

It actually scares the living hell out of me, that at this age in time young adults have hardly any knowledge of sex ed. :sick: AIDS/HIV is not a sign on anyone's forehead!!!!! :rolleyes: This is very ignorant for a 20yr old full-time student in the 21st Century.

 

Find a planned parenthood in your area or a health clinic that can offer you counseling and medical care. They have social workers that will sit down with you and help you evaluate your situation, show you different resources and can help you make a sound decision.

 

Thanks, I'm not dependent on my parents but if I have a child I surely would be... I have no idea where to even start.

 

 

This is unfair and incosiderate towards your parents.Dont you think? It is not their responsibility to care for your child. If this was a perfect scenario, where you were having a baby with your partner, you wouldn't be dependent on them. You had poor judgment and now is time to correct what you can.

BellaBellaBella Established Member

BellaBellaBella

Posted
Posted

Noelle,

 

I don't think your a stupid woman. Yes, you did something you shouldn't. Is to find support to see you through this mess. You do have several options. Perhaps one of the first would be go to counseling to decide right now what you want. Your choice include

 

1) having baby and keeping it

2) having baby and putting up for adoption

3) abortion

 

All have long term affects. The issue here is, everyone can say should have, would have, could have. But this ship has sailed.

 

How can we support you?

 

Bella

  • Author
noelle303 Established Member

noelle303

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone so much for your input. It really means a lot!

 

 

So many things are going through my head that I can't even write them all down... it will be just a lot of rambling so I apologize in advance.

 

 

Yes, I am 50% to blame in this situation. I won't even try to defend that. But as I said, it's too late for the ''could've, would've, should've' now. I, in no way, did predict this current predicament I am in.

 

But I am not alone in it. He is too. I refuse to take on 100% of the blame here.

I have no idea what I want to do, as per your advice I'm going to take some time for myself to recover and straighten myself up a bit. But then I'm going to tell him.

I want to know how he feels about participating in any way because I know that if I make a decision to terminate I would always wonder if maybe he would have been on board. And only after I know his answer I think I will be able to decide for myself.

 

Does that sound unreasonable?

Mimolicious Established Member

Mimolicious

Posted
Posted

 

having that child will be like wearing a scarlet "A" for the rest of your life.

 

QUOTE]

 

----------------------

 

 

The MM can be told, but there are only two people in this - You and your baby ..

 

 

 

 

Really? Last time we checked you needed a Man & a Woman to get to a Baby. Even if it is artificially inseminated.

 

"can" be told?

Cali- does your grandson know who his father is?

 

This is how you create troubled adults with a sense of lost identity that at 30y/o go on quest trying to find their origin.

  • Author
noelle303 Established Member

noelle303

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

 

 

This is unfair and incosiderate towards your parents.Dont you think? It is not their responsibility to care for your child. If this was a perfect scenario, where you were having a baby with your partner, you wouldn't be dependent on them. You had poor judgment and now is time to correct what you can.

 

I know it's not their responsibility. They can say no to me and they can turn their back... I am over 18 years old, I don't live with them and am not at the moment financially dependent on them.

 

However, since they are my parents who love me, I would like to think that they would surely help me out when I most need it.

2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted

Since truly the responsibility for all of this including the pregnancy does fall into the 50/50 between you and MM...

 

You have to tell him. Decisions have to made. Just realize that MM is not alone with his 50% the of responsibility - his wife will have a say in all decisions going forward. Even if she divorces him, she is going to be a big factor.

  • Author
noelle303 Established Member

noelle303

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Noelle,

 

I don't think your a stupid woman. Yes, you did something you shouldn't. Is to find support to see you through this mess. You do have several options. Perhaps one of the first would be go to counseling to decide right now what you want. Your choice include

 

1) having baby and keeping it

2) having baby and putting up for adoption

3) abortion

 

All have long term affects. The issue here is, everyone can say should have, would have, could have. But this ship has sailed.

 

How can we support you?

 

Bella

 

 

Thank you. You guys have actually given me a lot to think about.

 

Adoption is a very very honorable thing. I question myself whether I would ever be able to do it...

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted

JJ33, I am on your side with this. I'm all for abortion and this in this case, it's the best option.

Being so young and alone with a child is scary.

 

OP, life is laced with hard lessons, I made a ton of crazy mistakes at your age and even when I was in my late 20's, but mistakes like this build strength.

 

Think logically if you can, I know this must be overwhelming,

 

Good luck

herenow Established Member

herenow

Posted
Posted
Totally agree Noelle, your not a child, and are about to make some decisions that will change your life forever...one is a positive and one is a negative.

 

IMO, a 20 year old student having a child with a MM is in no way a positive. Children should be wanted from the start IMO. They should be a blessing and there should be no question to keep a wanted child.

 

If Noelle came here saying that she wants this child and no matter what she will have it and love it (or give it up for adoption), then that would be a positive for her. That's not what I'm reading. Please , Noelle, let me know if I'm wrong.

 

You may or may not believe in abortion, but sometimes it is what is best. It's a positive that it is still legal in this country and women still have the right to choose that option for themselves.

  • Author
noelle303 Established Member

noelle303

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

To be honest, it is quiet disturbing that you got drunk, spazzed out and called his home. Let's say you do go through with this pregnancy and he decides that he is not going to be a part of it, is this going to trigger you into more calling and causing drama? I mean, if you have this baby and he is the dad, there is always Family Court to get proper financial assistance. No getting out of that. If things that he said didn't indicate that he was very "happy" at home, watch what happens now.

.

 

Clearly, that won't be happening again. I was upset.

 

It never happened before and it will not happen again.

 

You know... in 5 months he carried on an affair, got the girl pregnant so ONE inconveniant phone call is what I call getting off pretty easy. Certainly compared to me.

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted

 

Maybe the option for you, but it's Noelle's body and she needs to figure out what is best for her. She is the one who would have to carry a child for nine months and turn it over to someone else to raise if she chooses adoption. You say it like it's so easy. Have you given up a child for adoption? I haven't but, IMO it would be a very difficult thing to do.

 

My mother did, and I am so grateful. Herenow, they are two separate people...the baby with his/her own body dependant on the mother for survival.

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted
.

 

According to Noelle's OP, the MM is 30, 10 years older than she is. Not that huge of an age difference, IMO.

 

You're right, when someone is 40 and the other person is 50.

But the ages of 20 and 30 are a HUGE difference.

 

But then again, younger people of today are nowhere near as grown up as the 20 and 30 ys olds of 20-30 yrs ago.

Mimolicious Established Member

Mimolicious

Posted
Posted
Thanks everyone so much for your input. It really means a lot!

 

 

So many things are going through my head that I can't even write them all down... it will be just a lot of rambling so I apologize in advance.

 

 

Yes, I am 50% to blame in this situation. I won't even try to defend that. But as I said, it's too late for the ''could've, would've, should've' now. I, in no way, did predict this current predicament I am in.

 

But I am not alone in it. He is too. I refuse to take on 100% of the blame here.

I have no idea what I want to do, as per your advice I'm going to take some time for myself to recover and straighten myself up a bit. But then I'm going to tell him.

I want to know how he feels about participating in any way because I know that if I make a decision to terminate I would always wonder if maybe he would have been on board. And only after I know his answer I think I will be able to decide for myself.

 

Does that sound unreasonable?

 

No. It is your world. Like I said before, he is also part of the dilemma and should be informed. Should he be part of what you decide? Uummm... from your own post, it seems like you are hoping that he chooses to be part of it rather than doing what is right for you. You may be setting yourself up for disappointment here.

 

What does being "on board" mean to you?

Child support & last name?

You continue to lead an A with him + child?

Him leaving his W & kids to be with you?

 

I hope you realize that his W wont exactly want to throw a baby shower for you. :o

  • Author
noelle303 Established Member

noelle303

Posted
  • Author
Posted

It's a great thing, adoption. But I don't know whether I want to go through a pregnancy. It will affect my studies, it will affect my job etc.

 

I really don't know guys...

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...