Confusion and Pain: Breakup bedfellows

[thaiboxer1]

I have lost something. Something special.

 

Five years I shared with my ex-girlfriend. I met her when I was still in high school at the naive age of 17. She was 16. I'm now 23 and mourning the loss of our relationship for the fourth time.

 

In those years we shared some profound experiences together. We became best friends, and that was the anchor of our relationship. It was pure companionship. We could anything with eachother. Burp, fart, laugh, screw, chat, cry, vent, challenge, fight. There was nothing she wouldnt do for me, even if it meant disadvantaging herself. She never doubted our relationship.

 

But like clockwork a gradual rot grew inside me every year. I began to doubt my love for her. I began to question if there was something better out there. This was compounded by a growing lack of attraction I felt towards her. Even when we first met I was not overtly physically attracted to her. I never considered her 'pretty', okay looking but not good-looking. I dived into the relationship because it was my first and I guess I wanted the notch on my belt, the experience behind me. But it grew and balooned into something simply fantastic at times.

 

My own vanity and narcisissm had me convinced she was not my equal physically. Even though I considered her a match intellecually I coudn't seem to get past my sub-conscious reasoning that she didn't meet me at a physical level.

 

No she isn’t a top model, and she was insecure about her appearance which I did not find attractive. But she tried so hard because deep down she knew I wasn’t satisfied, and that wasn’t her fault. It was mine. My vanity and my shallowness. The superficial value I place on physical beauty, when any ‘hot’ girl I have ever come into contact with was someone I couldn’t stand - vain, selfish and petty.

 

Four times I have now called it off for such a reason. Each time we got back together I thought I had matured and could overlook my pathetic issue with superficial beauty. And it is a lie to say that I was never attracted to her. Love making was always great and she could genuinely put a smile on my face when I looked at her sometimes.

 

This fourth time was the hardest. I thought I would be using up my last strike, so it was all the more an emotional decision to make. I thought It wouldnt be fair on her to pursue the relationship if I couldn't shake these lingering doubts and commit after five years. Starting a new journalism degree packed with pretty girls didn't help the situation. I even told her when we broke up attraction wasn't a major factor for me in our relationship. She took that hard.

 

It has been three months since and I am quite possibly the most miserable I have ever been in my life. It's the first break up where I havn't really kept in contact with her. Thats what she wants while she recovers I suppose. She really truely loved me. And I truely love her. I cry almost every day still and she dominates the majority of my thoughts.

 

Every time I do something we did together I hurt. I saw her at the movies the other night with another guy - I was going with my parents. The movie was Inception directed by Chris Nolan, a mutual favourite. We would have watched it together. That hit me hard. It spoiled the film, I tried to pick her out in the theatre instead of watching the film.

 

I am so confused. I have almost convinced myself to attempt getting back together. I even fantasize about proposing, something she was keen on but a concept I have never been overly keen on. Not neccesarily because of her just an innate part of my thinking. But I would hate to repeat my sins and mistakes again. I feel like I have finally identified the issues around my inability to do our relationship justice, that my love outweighs the negatives I seem to dwell on instead of focusing on strengths. I am so terribly confused. Am I just lonely or do I genuinely love her and need her?

 

I want my best friend back

[DustySaltus]

You broke up with her 4 times. What would make the 5th time different?

 

I think it's your pride that is hurt. She went to the movies with another guy and you went with your parents.

 

You put value on the physical which is understandable but not what the basis of a long lasting relationship is.

 

Unfortunately, often when we realize this it's too late to get the person back that we really want to be with. All you can is learn from the experience and make sure that you don't make the same mistake again.

 

This experience is all part of growing up and finding out what's important in life. If you truly care about her, let her be and focus on yourself and what you need to improve on.

[bussie]

What are you waiting for, go get her back, man. If you really love her it wont matter what happen in the past, as long as you have realised you are part off the problem, in the relationship, and that you have to change what ever it is you need to change to make this relationship work.

If things don't change then you might as well stay apart. But you can do it, tell her how you feel.

I have lost something. Something special.

 

Five years I shared with my ex-girlfriend. I met her when I was still in high school at the naive age of 17. She was 16. I'm now 23 and mourning the loss of our relationship for the fourth time.

 

In those years we shared some profound experiences together. We became best friends, and that was the anchor of our relationship. It was pure companionship. We could anything with eachother. Burp, fart, laugh, screw, chat, cry, vent, challenge, fight. There was nothing she wouldnt do for me, even if it meant disadvantaging herself. She never doubted our relationship.

 

But like clockwork a gradual rot grew inside me every year. I began to doubt my love for her. I began to question if there was something better out there. This was compounded by a growing lack of attraction I felt towards her. Even when we first met I was not overtly physically attracted to her. I never considered her 'pretty', okay looking but not good-looking. I dived into the relationship because it was my first and I guess I wanted the notch on my belt, the experience behind me. But it grew and balooned into something simply fantastic at times.

 

My own vanity and narcisissm had me convinced she was not my equal physically. Even though I considered her a match intellecually I coudn't seem to get past my sub-conscious reasoning that she didn't meet me at a physical level.

 

No she isn’t a top model, and she was insecure about her appearance which I did not find attractive. But she tried so hard because deep down she knew I wasn’t satisfied, and that wasn’t her fault. It was mine. My vanity and my shallowness. The superficial value I place on physical beauty, when any ‘hot’ girl I have ever come into contact with was someone I couldn’t stand - vain, selfish and petty.

 

Four times I have now called it off for such a reason. Each time we got back together I thought I had matured and could overlook my pathetic issue with superficial beauty. And it is a lie to say that I was never attracted to her. Love making was always great and she could genuinely put a smile on my face when I looked at her sometimes.

 

This fourth time was the hardest. I thought I would be using up my last strike, so it was all the more an emotional decision to make. I thought It wouldnt be fair on her to pursue the relationship if I couldn't shake these lingering doubts and commit after five years. Starting a new journalism degree packed with pretty girls didn't help the situation. I even told her when we broke up attraction wasn't a major factor for me in our relationship. She took that hard.

 

It has been three months since and I am quite possibly the most miserable I have ever been in my life. It's the first break up where I havn't really kept in contact with her. Thats what she wants while she recovers I suppose. She really truely loved me. And I truely love her. I cry almost every day still and she dominates the majority of my thoughts.

 

Every time I do something we did together I hurt. I saw her at the movies the other night with another guy - I was going with my parents. The movie was Inception directed by Chris Nolan, a mutual favourite. We would have watched it together. That hit me hard. It spoiled the film, I tried to pick her out in the theatre instead of watching the film.

 

I am so confused. I have almost convinced myself to attempt getting back together. I even fantasize about proposing, something she was keen on but a concept I have never been overly keen on. Not neccesarily because of her just an innate part of my thinking. But I would hate to repeat my sins and mistakes again. I feel like I have finally identified the issues around my inability to do our relationship justice, that my love outweighs the negatives I seem to dwell on instead of focusing on strengths. I am so terribly confused. Am I just lonely or do I genuinely love her and need her?

 

I want my best friend back

[Welp]

Hey man,

 

I'm going through something somewhat similar to this, yet also different in other respects. I'm just gonna blurt it all out right here, cause I have a conclusion in the end that I think you must take to heart.

 

You and I both have dumped our significant other several times because of a weakness in ourselves. For you it may be vanity or narcissism, for me it's an attachment disorder implanted through the divorce of my parents causing me to be manipulative and hurtful at times and also to doubt my future parenting abilities. She really wants kids in a short few years. I've worked out the parenting issues after we broke up the second time, but they came back after we broke up the 3rd time because I realized my attachment disorder cuts deeper than I thought (and I sought professional help at this point, something she had asked me to do in August 2009 already but I was stubborn and thought I could get over it by myself).

 

We've both dumped our girl 4 times. Well, I dumped mine 3 times really, the 4th time we broke up was because I couldn't answer her question of whether I would stay with her forever because I have a problem of rationalizing everything and have a hard time answering with my emotion.

 

After the last time we broke up I tried to make it right again and told her I wanted to live with her and have kids, but she said 'I want kids but not with you anymore..'. After this she still tried to help me with some extremely painful new issues with my mother that had arisen. The pain of her not wanting to be with me anymore and my mother practically disowning me and behaving completely insane caused me to snap and I made out with another woman at a party, I basically behaved in a very childish and disrespectful manner, looking for female comfort that reminded me of her.

 

After that I realized that I had broken the very last chance. Even though she told me she didn't want to continue before, she told me after this happened that in truth she had hoped we would come together at a later point when I would be doing a bit better again, and that she had been wanting to book a little weekend away for my birthday together but that that wasn't going to happen anymore. My world crumbled right down to the ground, this was the 4th of this month. I tried to comfort her and hold her but my emotions had overloaded and I couldn't feel anything, she sensed this, begged me to let my emotions back in and be there for her, hold her, but I just couldn't seem to do it with emotion at that point. We went to sleep, and when I woke up the blockade was gone. She stepped out of bed without saying anything and I tried to grab her but she shrugged loose and headed quickly for the shower. I tried talking to her there but she wouldn't, I freaked out, said something nasty and got my clothes and left her house, feeling like I had died and gone to hell.

 

After this, I tried to reach her but she would not respond. Eventually 2 days later I managed to get her on the phone but she said she didn't want to hear from me, talk to me or see me ever again, that she wanted me out of her life and that I was to leave her alone. The ******* I am ofcourse sent a few texts over the next few days, to no avail. I then texted her that I wanted my house keys back, to which she responded she would inevitably be meeting her sister soon who lives in my city, and that she would drop the keys on my desk when I was working.

 

Weekend came, and I was a mess, still a bit dazed by it all. I was sitting in my house with a friend when another friend called that he was outside and if I could open the door for him. So I went downstairs, and there was someone coming up the steps. At first I thought it must be the girl who lives a floor below, but then I saw her face and it was my ex. She said she would have thought I would be somewhere going out because it was Saturday night (I go clubbing often, that's how we met a good 2.5 years before by the way). I begged her to just talk to me but she became very angry and sad at the same time and told me she didn't want to talk to me after the way I treated her. I had to comply and let her walk out the door, where her sister was waiting with the bicycle. My friend (who didn't know my ex, only by face) was also waiting in front of the door and when we were back inside that when he arrived at the door he didn't recognize her at first but soon did and kept his distance cause he knew something was going on, which I thanked him for.

 

Another week went by, I started to realize the extent of the damage I'd done and I was feeling extremely guilty. I texted another desperate message trying to get her to talk to me at least. No reply. The next weekend I was at a friends place in another city on Sunday, and around noon I noticed I had a missed call from my ex. I returned the call after about 15 minutes and she picked up. She asked where I was, I told her, she then said well I really just dialed your number by accident while I was reading your text, and I still don't want to speak to you.

 

The week after this, it really started to sink that it was over, so I texted her that I was sorry, that I never wanted to hurt her, that I wished her and her family all the best and that I would really miss her. This was on thursday. On Saturday after that which was last Saturday, I had gone clubbing in the city she introduced me to more or less, and was in a club in the early morning, around 7. The party ended and I looked at my phone to check the time. There was a message from my ex, saying that she could for the first time see the relationship in retrospect a little bit more positive.

 

Instantly, my world had color again and I responded that I thought it was really sweet of her to tell me that. I went to a friends place and plugged my phone in the charger, spinned some records, went back to my phone an hour later and noticed two messages. One read: Do you want me back or something? The next read: Nevermind, you don't seem to care about reacting anyway, and it really doesn't even matter anymore.

 

I immediately called her upon reading the messages, and she picked up. I asked her why she had texted me asking me if I wanted her back, she said she didn't know, that she was having a weak moment because she had been clubbing too and was tired and sad. She then asked me well would you want me back? I said of course I want you back, you mean everything to me. The reaction was not what I had hoped for because she told me that that was the reason we'd never be able to be friends, because we would always want each other back but she had become too insecure and couldn't take me back, that she had to get me out of her life in order to slowly forget me and be able to open up to someone new eventually. I told her that I wanted to be that person, that she knew I was already in therapy and I was working very hard on my problems after our 3rd break up. She told me she knew this but that I had to get better for myself, because she's really ready for kids and is nearing 30, that she loves me but she needs someone who is more stable so she can just have a good life with steady family. That if I would continue to be in her life, she would constantly be wondering how I was doing and if I was better yet, and that that would mean she would be standing still and that she can't wait much longer out of fear of not being able to have kids but also out of fear of me getting her back with me only to leave her again when we have kids.

 

I told her I didn't know if I'd ever really get over her (she has this quality, it's really weird, but I wouldn't be the first guy that never got over her after years..), and that I really would like to get in touch again after a year to see if she's single and see how we click then, but she said that would again mean she'd have me in her head and wouldn't be able to let go. In the end we talked about some other things and even ended up laughing on the phone about silly things, and it felt like we were together, which made me cry. She said maybe it's a good idea to continue the conversation another time because she was with a friend and had to go somewhere. I said that would be really good, we said goodbye and that we loved each other, then hung up.

 

The next day I texted her if she had time this week, to which she replied she was kind of fully booked but that she also thought it would be a good idea to do it in about three weeks so we would have a little more distance and quiet in the meantime. She also started to end her messages with 'regards' in stead of kiss. I said alright, but that it really didn't change the way I feel about her. I then realized that week was the week of my birthday. I also realized that I had made a mistake by telling her that time would not change the way I feel, and sent another message saying sorry I shouldn't have sent you that line. That I was having a complete breakdown, that my feelings of despair had only been growing since we broke up in stead of waning, and that I had been clubbing in the city she showed me and everything had reminded me of her, that I had cried at work several times, etc etc.

 

She called me asking me if I was alright and we had a very calm phonecall and she really tried to make me feel better but still held on to her decision. In the end of the phonecall we were kind of reminiscing things we had done, vacations, rituals we had and such, and we arrived at the tv series Lost that we used to watch. She suddenly said oh I'd REALLY want to watch a Lost with you right now, and I said I'd come her way immediately, she said she knew that but then said oops, there are no trains that will take you back on time in the morning for work (I had to work at 6 in the morning). That was a real bummer, and she said well maybe it's for the best, because it would make things complicated and there would be false hope for both of us, that we'd end up making things complicated again and that she was scared I'd hurt her in the end. I said I felt really sad that I would not see her again, we talked a little longer and that was that.

 

I thought this was it, I wouldn't hear from her ever again..

 

The next morning at work I feel my phone vibrating, I had a missed call from her due to the bad reception in the building, so I walked outside and called her. She picked up and I asked hey babe what's up? are you ok? She said Oh, nothing, nevermind.. So I tried to get her to tell me why she had called and she finally said well what are you doing on your birthday? I said well nothing yet, I haven't even taken a day off work because of the breakup.. She said that she would like me to come to her place to watch lost that day. So I went to my boss to get my bday off.

 

Now I'm looking forward to that, but I also know I run the risk of seriously deluding myself. It's a great birthday present to be able to hold her one more time but it's also scary because I know that it quite possibly could be the very last time because when I texted her afterwords about the time she would like me to come she replied but also told me not to bring expectations.

 

Now, the conclusion of this story.

My advice to the poster of this thread:

 

Am I just lonely or do I genuinely love her and need her?

Do whatever you can to get her back if that's what you really want. If you feel you've identified your faults and are willing to work hard to improve yourself, go for it. If you get another chance, don't blow it, because you don't want to feel what I'm feeling.. That guy she was with might as well have been just a friend cheering her up, or a reboundish figure. Iron bends while it's hot, get on it!

 

My question: Am I a fool to believe that there may be a tiny minute chance that a friendship could emerge from this (which of course with due discretion I would analyse for entrypoints back to more) after she first tells me she doesn't want anything to do with me - then has phone conversations with me - then suddenly invites me over? Could this be a rising trend or a bubble that's going to burst August 13 when I wake up? Of course I have to take into account that a lot can happen to her emotionally in two weeks, and also that my behavior that day will be paramount to anything hinting towards her still being in contact with me happening at all..

 

 

Just give me all your two cents, may I be rich afterwards!

Edited July 28, 2010 by Welp

[Welp]

Never mind you guys,

 

I woke up today feeling that it's better to not be in a relationship with her right now. I have too much work do do on myself and how I handle things. I'll enjoy my birthday with her, show her my love once more, say goodbye for a while, and hope for a shot at getting back together in the future sometime (life will tell me if that hope survives time).